I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

Yeah, don't tell him you've been invited, it's nothing to do with him. I would say, on being asked, ' I have no idea where he is.' Or words to that effect. It's true, after all, you won't know where he is. I wouldn't go into any details, hold your head up high, look a million dollars and enjoy yourself. ( Am thinking that his colleagues probably know something? )

Glad this thread is helping you, it's such a difficult time.

I would go to the gathering, definitely don't tell him, what you do is none of his business.

If it were me, if anyone asks I would tell them the truth. I made sure everyone knew what my ex had done and with whom (he was and still is her boss). There was no way I was covering up for him.

I would just say "this is a bit awkward and I assumed he would have told you, but we're not together any more"

You don't have to lie for him.

No, definitely don't tell him and absolutely no need to cover for him either.
I agree with other posters, hold head up high and with dignity. Then if you're asked, say confidently (even if you don't feel it) and clearly "I don't know, he has left me." Completely up to you whether you say he is with someone else or not.... see how you feel at the time.

Personally, I'm not saying to anyone who knows me that I have separated from H, I'm saying he left me.... strangers are different, I do say I'm separated.

I was invited to my H's closest friend's birthday party a couple of months ago.... they didn't want him there, knew I was alone that day so invited me. I was very unsure about going and even felt guilty that I was going and not him...
There were other couples there, our mutual friends. Do you know what, it was the very first time I had done a social occasion on my own and everyone was so lovely and engaged in lovely conversation with me and I had the best time! I was so proud of myself and you will be too.
It's another first but once you've done it, you'll be so pleased and fine for the next time.
By the way, my H found out I was there with our mutual friends and was not happy, big kick in the guts for him....
Good luck OP, be strong, you can do this xx

Thanks everyone, I will see what happens when I go to the party and take it from there.

I’m struggling with something else. My oldest (23) has said he will gladly speak to OW if his dad introduces her to him and he will do his best to get along with her. To me this is a kick in the teeth. I just feel this woman is muscling in on my family. I am so angry and hurt.
I don’t expect him to not have a relationship with his dad but with her??? I kind of feel no one has my back. Ex has gotten away with everything as no one has pulled him up for what he has put me through, what he has said to me. His family have told me they are disappointed and they can’t believe it, don’t know what he’s thinking, but not one of them have said anything to him. I know he is their son/brother but not one word has been said. My oldest cheated on his girlfriend and I told him I was angry and disappointed he could treat someone like that.

I’m sitting here crying thinking I’m going to lose my family slowly but surely and I have no one on my side. I don’t know how to deal with this.

Your DS will always love you above everyone else.
He just wants a relationship with his dad and knows the OW is part of that.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down at the moment.

Glam up and enjoy the party if anyone asks tell them.

As far as your son goes I think it is a testament to you that he is not bitter. You are his Mum and always will be. Even if it feels like a betrayal just let him do what he needs to do. If he talks anout it/them too much just remind him that you are still feeling very raw and hurt, but don't make him pick.

Today, I have been really really struggling. I want to scream & shout, I have been so tempted to smash up the house (but I haven’t), I have this terrible rage in me today and I want him to suffer, I want to emotionally hurt him so bad.

I’m so unsettled, the doctor hasn’t given me any more sleeping tablets, and I can’t sleep. I don’t really want to take anymore sleeping tablets as they only make me fall asleep quickly, they don’t make me stay asleep.
My mortgage isn’t sorted yet, I’m still waiting to see if I have been accepted.

He has walked away without any parenting responsibilities, he has hardly seen the kids, doesn’t really contact them, has been golfing plenty and has been away for the weekend with her! Our youngest son has been sitting his exams, he hasn’t asked how he has been getting on with them.

I know people have said I’m not worthless etc, but I feel it, I feel worthless, and a waste of space, I was only worth the lies, why couldn’t he have treated me better. I KNOW I shouldn’t think of them together, today I’ve been finding it hard not to, I keep thinking she will be as happy as a pig in shite, she will think she has won. I know she hasn’t but she has got her man. I keep thinking he said he was unhappy with me, he even told our son that, and I keep thinking he will be so happy with her.

As I said I know I shouldn’t be thinking that but I can’t get those thoughts out my head, there are days when I don’t think like that, but today just isn’t one of those days, today is one of the worse days I’ve had.

Right now I want to fall asleep and not wake up.

@Californiansunsets, how are you this morning? I'm so sorry you're going through this, you sound in so much pain. I have never been through this so I don't have any advice regarding the anger and outright injustice you are experiencing, but I am thinking of you and hoping today is a better day for you. Sending love.

Sorry you had a bad day. I hope today will be better.

3 years ago I was in your position, it's raw, it's hard, it's frankly probably one of the worst times of your life.

All that you feel is normal.

I went back to my gp re lack of sleep and she gave me a second pack of sleeping tablets, but I only took one once or twice a week and then reduced to half a couple if times a week. I bought the herbal sleeping tablets from Boots and decaf vanilla tea and moved into that. It helped and gradually I could sleep again but it will take time. Not sure where you are but the heat at night at the moment is making sleep hard.

Feel the anger, feel the rage, let it all out. Do you have any friends you can meet to talk? In my view talking and letting it all out helps hugely as does a good cry.

Do you do any exercise? I did and found this a huge help, I used to do combat classes and imagine I was punching the hell out of them, still do on occasions! I ran and played loud music in my headphones.

You are not worthless, he was and is weak for doing what he did.

Don't believe the narrative of him not being happy, he probably wasn't but that is the only way he can justify doing what he did. Those of us that have been through this have all been fed that line. If he was that unhappy he should have told you, a marriage is between 2 people.

I had quite a bit of counselling which really helped me incase that is an option. I can recommend someone but I'm in Yorkshire so it depends where you are?

My ex had his dc but only for a 3rd of the time. He used a lot of his leave to go on holiday with her and just kept 2 weeks in the summer for the dc. I work full time and was left to sort the rest out. He didn't care, the OW was clearly her priority.

Interestingly this year he's taking more time off to be with the DC. Either he's realised or I hope maybe the shine is coming off their relationship!

So 3 years on I still have a lot of anger and hatred towards them and want her to cheat on him so he knows how it feels and for it all to have been a big mistake for him.

I want to go on to the happier and better life that others have said they have but I'm not there yet.

It takes time, so you are doing fine and all that you feel is normal.

Be kind to yourself and keep posting on here when you need to.

Oh and all that she has won is a liar and a cheat, a weak man.

That's no prize.

I hope that soon the realisation will set in that this wasn't about you or anything that you are lacking. It's about HIM his insecurities, his weakness. The most beautiful and dynamic women in the world get cheated on.

The sad fact is that you are the one left to pick up the pieces caused by HIS failure, but do you know what, you will pick up those pieces and make a new,probably better life for you and your children because YOU are brilliant

@Pastryapronsucks is right, op. Once you get through this, your future will be amazing. Bet his won't be, and as for the ow, she'll always be wondering if she'll 'lose' him the way she met him.

I’m sorry you are going through this, I know how painful it is when the person you live suddenly throws all the l on be away and places the blame on you. It’s just what they do to try and justify their actions and make themselves feel better. He knows he’s a low life. He’s ruffing high right now on the endorphins, feels excited to be with his new woman.. the gloss will wear off at some point, but that’s his problem. You just have to concentrate on you now, on your feelings and put your welfare above any concerns for his.

Sunsets - I'm worried that you're coming out of this really badly financially. I can't understand why you're getting a mortgage...are you also pooling your pension pots and dividing them 50/50?

If you haven't done this yet, you could take your share of his pension pot as equity in the house. Then you can downsize in the future and free up funds for your retirement. Has your solicitor talked you through this?

He's a rat of a man. You need to stop shedding tears for him. Focus on your future and making sure that you're in a good financial position that gives you security. You will never be able to move on if you suffer financially from this as well as emotionally. You absolutely need to forget anything he has ever told you or said to you - he's a liar and only cares about himself. That man you knew before, and all the things he said, only existed in that moment.

SunnySideDownBriefly yes the solicitor has talked me through it all. The house is worth more than his pension so that's why I have to get a mortgage, as I stillnown him money.
I still have my own pension although it's only a small pension.

I remember someone posting on another thread that recovery from a partners infidelity is like a roller coaster ride. You will feel completely out of control, you will be up then hurtling down, but all the time you ARE moving forward, and the ride will eventually end.

Don't feel guilty or bad for having down days, it is completely to be expected. Just hang on tight 🙏💪💐

Ok so I'm not getting over this, I still miss him terribly even though I wouldn't take him back.
I have never felt grief like this, I feel.like im dying.

Even my SIL (ex's sister) is saying I just have to get over it and move on. She is getting annoyed I'm still crying. I was with him for 36 years and I cant just get over it!

With him for 36 years and he has thrown me away like a piece of rubbish and treats me like a piece of shit on his shoe!

You don't have to move on, you just have to try to take it an hour, a day, at a time. Moving on will happen, but for now, you are grieving. It's similar to telling someone who's bereaved to move on. We just wouldn't do that. Ignore your SIL, can you surround yourself with friends who can sit and listen, and support you?
Sending you strength.

Californiasunsets you can’t just ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’ just like that. It’s a huge portion of your life and it’s hard to just stop loving someone, no matter what you find out about them. It’s natural to miss him and the life you had when you can hardly remember life without him.
So first thing, stop feeling as if you have to ‘try’ all the time. It is like a death, it’s the death of what you knew before, of the life you had before and a figurative death of the man you thought he was and the man you now know he is.
You need time to grieve this, with all the pain, rage and denial a bereavement brings. A lot of time. You WILL heal from this. But in your time, on your terms.
Just give yourself permission to heal in your own time, no-one else’s. Rant here if you feel others IRL are losing patience. We are listening. No judgment.
Sending love X

My word that SIL is bloody harsh - not even two months and she expects you to get over such a massive betrayal? As the pp have put it so well above, you take your time. It is a death, and you are entitled to grieve. How could you possibly be over the shock and upheaval of all this in less than 8 weeks??

Sounds like your eldest is like your husband.

I would absolutely be telling his colleagues about the affair as soon as the financials are sorted and that he has completely abandoned his children.

He treated you badly and had at least one affair before.

I would think he has had multiple affairs.

Definitely give his colleagues all the gossip about his affair with his boss, and hold up your head high while doing it.

Very unprofessional of her and him.

There is nothing horrible men dislike more than others knowing their business.

So tell his office his business, how it had been going through business trips, how you were at home with a job and the children and he was having a work affair while on the job.
How devastated the children are by his betrayal even though he has never been a good father, and that he has abandoned.

OP, it will soften his cough for him to know he's the talk of the place.

Just wait till the papers are signed.

You will survive this.

He's a cheater.
Better you know now.

You need to take a good course of Lysine for the cold sores Solgar do an excellent one.
All the health shops have it.

One course of it and my friend went years without one again.
Well worth trying.

I really wouldnt advice you to go telling his business to people at work because if they arent together (maybe he is indeed seeing someone else or will be by the time all papers are signed and you feel safe enough to tell them) you will lose all credibility and nothing you say will be believed. In the long run, he wins. Also I dont see how exactly it would help your situation? Would probably alienate your Kids from you even further.
I know this is a very painful timw but Im beginning to worry for your exs safety. The way youre spiraling...doesnt bode well for him or you tbh. We know how those kind of stories usually end.

@Sampafie

I really wouldnt advice you to go telling his business to people at work because if they arent together (maybe he is indeed seeing someone else or will be by the time all papers are signed and you feel safe enough to tell them) you will lose all credibility and nothing you say will be believed. In the long run, he wins. Also I dont see how exactly it would help your situation? Would probably alienate your Kids from you even further. I know this is a very painful timw but Im beginning to worry for your exs safety. The way youre spiraling...doesnt bode well for him or you tbh. We know how those kind of stories usually end.

What?! Her ex's safety??

He has been so vicious and nasty to her, she owes him nothing.

He is a waster father too.

Why should she protect his reputation.

It will be good for his colleagues to know exactly what they are working with.

He has given the OP a dogs life.

When OP comes out of the fog she will thrive and wonder why she ever cried over that nasty sleeze.