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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever set boundaries with your in-laws regarding elderly help? If so, some tips and advice are needed please.

178 replies

Cheeseandbeansontoast · 29/04/2021 13:32

For background info, there is dh and his brother, plus me and SIL and their adult children. We didn’t have children.

Some help required here as the In-laws (who think women should be kept in a box until help is expected 🙄) are getting older and getting more demanding.

Dh is doing all he can to help, his Dbro isn’t doing much to help as their adult children ‘need him at home’ , and as we don’t have children, surely we have nothing better to do…..As you can tell, I’m a bit pissed off.

I help out every now and then with Dh, but they make a five minute job into a day of a thing, adding jobs on to the original ‘to do’ list, so we are stuck there longer than anticipated, and the hints of women’s work and elderly care are getting stronger. Up to now, I have ignored them.

But it’s going to come to a head one day, and I think boundaries need setting now. Have you set boundaries regarding this? If so, how did you implement them?

My thoughts are that the primary caregiving goes to Dh and his Dbro, 50/50, seeing as she gave birth to them and brought them up.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 29/04/2021 13:40

Buckets and buckets of sympathy. Haven't been in your exact situation (yet!) but I very much relate to demanding in laws, caring being women's work, and your time not being valued because you don't have children. Put your foot down and keep it there - these are not your parents, and even if they were, it is not your responsibility to care for them just because you're a woman

Practical idea - when you or DH go around to help, be clear what will be happening and how long you will be there e.g. 'see you Friday, we will be round at 10 to fix X, will need to be gone by 12 for Y reason'. And then stick to it like glue.

hopeishere · 29/04/2021 13:42

Interesting. FIL is now in a home but I gather extended family were annoyed immediate family didn't do more before making that move.

BiL now shoulders most of the day to day manner of that - visiting etc. But he likes to be in charge and is living rent free with bills paid in Fils house!!

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 29/04/2021 13:54

@Lottapianos

Buckets and buckets of sympathy. Haven't been in your exact situation (yet!) but I very much relate to demanding in laws, caring being women's work, and your time not being valued because you don't have children. Put your foot down and keep it there - these are not your parents, and even if they were, it is not your responsibility to care for them just because you're a woman

Practical idea - when you or DH go around to help, be clear what will be happening and how long you will be there e.g. 'see you Friday, we will be round at 10 to fix X, will need to be gone by 12 for Y reason'. And then stick to it like glue.

MIL is very crafty, honestly.

She booked a decorator to do her living room, THEN rang us up to help her choose wallpaper. We only had days to sort this out due to the decorator being due. No chance of us declining, or saying we are busy.

She then decided while we were there choosing wallpaper for her living room that she wanted to buy some for all the other rooms for when they needed to be done. No ‘is this ok?’, oh no, just ‘ooh while we are here …..’

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 29/04/2021 13:57

Sorry @Lottapianos, I meant to say thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2021 13:58

As far as I'm concerned, the only person you need to speak to is your husband. You tell him clearly that you will not be his parents carer. Discussion over. He and his brother will have to manage things, which as adult men, they are perfectly capable of doing.

gobbynorthernbird · 29/04/2021 14:27

My thoughts are that the primary caregiving goes to Dh and his Dbro, 50/50, seeing as she gave birth to them and brought them up

Both your DH and his brother can do as much or as little as they would like and feel comfortable with. Outside agencies may be necessary to fill in the gaps.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 29/04/2021 14:40

They've conveniently forgotten that you also have parents who might need/want your time too. Yanbu to leave the bulk of it to your h.

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/04/2021 14:51

Definitely tell your DH that you will not be shouldering any part of caring for his parents.

Also, why do you go with him when they ask him to go round to do jobs? Can't you just leave him to go and visit/sort them out?

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 29/04/2021 15:08

Thank you all for your replies I was expecting to be flamed tbh.
To answer a couple of things, my parents are not around anymore. That’s another thing that I think they might use when convenient.

And as dbro isn’t as forthcoming with his help, I think they want me to fill in his duties for him 🙄

I have had the conversation with DH about the caregiver role belonging to him and his dbro. He just said right, ok. He hasn’t protested and said I need to help. It’s just her and the ‘women’s work’.

OP posts:
MunchyCat · 29/04/2021 15:28

Why do they need help choosing wallpaper?

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 29/04/2021 15:30

@AmandaHoldensLips

Definitely tell your DH that you will not be shouldering any part of caring for his parents.

Also, why do you go with him when they ask him to go round to do jobs? Can't you just leave him to go and visit/sort them out?

He does go on his own most of the time. Luckily with lockdown and their precious ‘old age’, they haven’t wanted anybody else there in case they caught COVID. The day we went wallpaper hunting was the first time I’d seen her for a year. A day too long. She really doesn’t value my time at all, and now that lockdown has ended, well, that’s why I started this thread.
OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 29/04/2021 15:32

The trick is not to feel guilty about it.
Not for one second.
Let other people think what they like. You'll soon get over it.

InpatientGardener · 29/04/2021 15:34

Can you just not go round there without DH? Then any requests for help can go straight to him and if any hints about you taking on the 'women's work ' are made either you can just suggest they get a cleaner, cook slave whatever it is they need. Sympathies, it would be a cold day in hell before I did any care for my inlaws.

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 29/04/2021 15:35

@MunchyCat

Why do they need help choosing wallpaper?
Because it’s ‘“woman’s work’ to choose wallpaper, men have no idea”, his Dad didn’t come, plus she said I have a good eye for design. Hmmm. Now that lockdown is over, I need my wits about me.
OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 29/04/2021 15:39

@InpatientGardener

Can you just not go round there without DH? Then any requests for help can go straight to him and if any hints about you taking on the 'women's work ' are made either you can just suggest they get a cleaner, cook slave whatever it is they need. Sympathies, it would be a cold day in hell before I did any care for my inlaws.
Sorry, should have explained, We could only have two people in the store at one time due to 2m distancing, so DH waited in the car outside. I wouldn’t go anywhere with her on my own.
OP posts:
Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 29/04/2021 15:41

She had asked dh to take her to the wallpaper store but also asked him if I could come as well as I have the ‘eye for design’.

OP posts:
InpatientGardener · 29/04/2021 15:41

Oh I see, yes I meant more generally just don't see them alone as it might set a precedent for you 'being there anyway' and you won't have the DH barrier.

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 29/04/2021 15:42

@AmandaHoldensLips

The trick is not to feel guilty about it. Not for one second. Let other people think what they like. You'll soon get over it.
Thank you, I certainly want to get over it. I’m feeling better already.
OP posts:
joystir59 · 29/04/2021 15:51

I don't see why any family member should become responsible for giving ever increasing amounts of support in terms of maintaining and clean the house or providing personal care and life admin support. I personally believe that when we become incapable of managing ourselves and our affairs it's time to sell up and move into an assisted living facility or residential/care home. That's what I will be doing. I wouldn't dream of burdening family members.

crazylikechocolate · 29/04/2021 15:53

I think you just have to be firm ,

"It's your wallpaper you are going to be looking at it you must choose "
"Sorry I don't have time for my own tasks I can't add yours and do them as well "

If you had been unable to go to choose the wallpaper she would have had to have chosen it herself , sorry but you need to be tough !

joystir59 · 29/04/2021 15:54

I mean just exactly why on earth do some people think it's ok to become so needy and dependent? Awful!

Cattitudes · 29/04/2021 16:09

@Cheeseandbeansontoast

She had asked dh to take her to the wallpaper store but also asked him if I could come as well as I have the ‘eye for design’.
Sounds as if you have to be less good at things. What about this lime green one 🤢? Or I think stripes might be back in.

Dusting? Oh no I have found if you leave it long enough no more gathers.

BeyondMyWits · 29/04/2021 16:10

My MIL has dementia. She is currently in hospital. I have had the talk with DH - he is the ONLY one I need to have the talk with - I will not be taking on her care, that no, she cannot stay/recuperate/live in our 2 bed house with us and our daughter (and one bathroom and no downstairs loo).

(can I roll my eyes more loudly...)

I am providing care for my 2 teenagers (one at uni - mental health issues mean a large amount of remote care is needed), a sick dog (idiot dog who ate a stick) and my husband who has the worry of an ill mother.

That is enough.

So would couch things as - you will be providing support to your husband, he will be providing or arranging care for his parents.

ItsDinah · 29/04/2021 16:49

What do they need help with? Can they not keep up with cleaning and household maintenance or are the items on the To Do list a pretext to get you and your husband to spend time with them?

angelaEhen · 29/04/2021 16:57

She things you have a good eye for decor and wanted your help picking wallpaper, that doesn't seem bad to me at all. More like she valued you opinion.
I thought you were going to say cleaning and washing and then I would of said you are not unreasonable

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