Have you ever set boundaries with your in-laws regarding elderly help? If so, some tips and advice are needed please.

[Cheeseandbeansontoast]

For background info, there is dh and his brother, plus me and SIL and their adult children. We didn’t have children.

Some help required here as the In-laws (who think women should be kept in a box until help is expected 🙄) are getting older and getting more demanding.

Dh is doing all he can to help, his Dbro isn’t doing much to help as their adult children ‘need him at home’ , and as we don’t have children, surely we have nothing better to do…..As you can tell, I’m a bit pissed off.

I help out every now and then with Dh, but they make a five minute job into a day of a thing, adding jobs on to the original ‘to do’ list, so we are stuck there longer than anticipated, and the hints of women’s work and elderly care are getting stronger. Up to now, I have ignored them.

But it’s going to come to a head one day, and I think boundaries need setting now. Have you set boundaries regarding this? If so, how did you implement them?

My thoughts are that the primary caregiving goes to Dh and his Dbro, 50/50, seeing as she gave birth to them and brought them up.

So you havnt seen MIL for over a year and you resent spending an afternoon with her to help her choose wallpaper? !

I feel like there’s three issues at play here.

1. You resent that your DH’s brother (and wife) is quite comfortable setting his own boundaries with what he’ll do for his parents, but feel like this means the onus falls on you and your DH
2. You feel MIL in particular has an expectation from you that in the future you’ll be her personal carer
3. You don’t like having ‘jobs’ no matter how innocuous sprung on you.

I don’t really understand why you think your MIL holds the power here? If she didn’t want you to do the shop for her - ok fine husband, you do it or tell MIL how to do it. I don’t want to get it wrong. I’m sorry I will never do intimate care for anyone, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable. Sorry MIL, I didn’t realise you wanted to be out longer - I’ve made plans with a friend for later.

I assume there’s more going on here that you haven’t shared because none of this sounds particularly demanding. If it’s more that your husband automatically takes everything on because his brother won’t, then the conversation must be with him.

But I don’t think YABU to not want to get pulled in by default.

[quote Parkperson]@Cheeseandbeansontoast
You write '
Dh and I have been talking about our will recently as it needed changing to include new arrivals in the family. I brought it up again today about booking an appointment to see the solicitor and mentioned at that point about power of attorney over PILs will. He says its his and his dbros job to doing.
Inheritance wise as DH is helping, I don’t see why he wouldn’t get any inheritance. 🤷‍♀️ If I didn’t help I wouldn’t expect anything anyway, but what dh will get inheritance wise will go in our joint account
So you are happy to benefit from inheritance money from your PILs but resent any caring responsibilities for them.. I'm afraid you do come across as entitled and uncaring. I feel sorry for them.[/quote]
When my parents went, my inheritance went into the joint account, even though dh never needed to help them when they were here.

To be honest, complaining about being asked to help your MIL choose wallpaper is frankly pathetic
If she were asking you to carry out intimate care, clean the bathroom or do the washing then you’d have grounds to moan.
I sometimes think I'm not a very compassionate person but this thread has made me feel a little less selfish in comparison to some.

Unfortunately the diary bit doesn’t work when she organises (controls) our time by organising a decorator beforehand

But how is it your problem that she organised a decorator and needed to get supplies within a certain time? If you'd simply said you were too busy to visit the wallpaper shop (never mind staying while she looked for more) she'd have had to either do it herself or rearrange the decorator ... job done

Having been through the complete nightmare of both of my dear parents declining at the same time, becoming unable to make good decisions about their own care, refusing help (very independent), and then all hell breaking loose, I can honestly say that choosing wallpaper is not elder care.

She sounds lonely and needy, not infirm in any way. She wanted someone to be a part of her life by helping her choose. I don't know if this would work for you, but including her in family time might really help. Sunday dinner etc.

I agree you need to say no. It does get much harder though. I had to deal with bringing meals from a 4 hour trip away, missing weeks of work when one went in hospital and the other could not be left, and many more very tough things. The best I can offer is set the boundaries around non essential things like wallpaper, and try to put a plan in place for the tough things.

In the end I was happy I helped and would have walked over hot coals for them, but there is nothing pretty about getting old and infirm.

Good luck.

I would step right back and let the sons do the work

It's really simple - they are his parents, not yours. Excepting you to help out becuz u are womanz is just sexist, isn't it?

If you feel like they are taking the piss, stop them. Stop being helpful. Stop having useful opinions. Stop giving helpful tips and recommendations. They are probably pushing you because you are a helpful, responsible person, and they think if they put enough pressure on you, you will succumb to the guilt because they know you feel obligated. It doesn't help if they also see this as women's work which will make it harder to stand up to them, but they need to respect you.

Do something radical and scary if you feel they are taking too much from you - just say no. You don't have to give an explanation as they'll most likely just use it to shoehorn you or guilt trip you into doing what they want. Just say 'No - I don't want to thank you' .....but be ready for the fall out!!!

Expecting*

You need to think what are your problems.

So with the decoration situation, your problem was you didn't have time to spare to go to the store to help choose paper. How could you have fixed your problem? Solution - don't go, say No. Perhaps you could have offered to help choose from a photo texted to you once MIL had narrowed it down to the final two herself?

The problem with the decorator needing a wallpaper choice/purchase by 3 days time is PILs problem, ie not yours to fix, let them figure out their own solution. If all their solutions involved you, keep saying "No that doesn't work for me". If they come back with "well what are we going to do?", "I don't know" is an acceptable answer (although probably not in their eyes!), don't take any verbal abuse for it.

The to-do list expansion situation. Your problem? You have only got 'X' time available to help. Your solution? State that and spend only 'X' time at their home helping. Perhaps ask for the list to be numbered in order of priority. The list not having been completed? That's PILs problem, you don't have to fix it.

If relatives don't want to help, a lot of things can be outsourced eg cleaner, gardener, handyman, carers, decorators, befriending service for the lonely, shopping delivery, taxis to doctor etc. If they've money they'll have to pay for help.

A lot of it is down to living somewhere suitable for their needs. This might mean no garden if they're not up to the maintenance. Or a communal garden they don't have to maintain, to give them somewhere to go I they can't get out and about. Ground floor flat or bungalow if stairs are an issue, or a stairlift. Living very close to a local shop/post office/bus stop, if mobility is difficult. Living somewhere small if housework is difficult. Having clothing with velcro if getting dressed is difficult. A wet room instead of a bath. Etc. It's no good them saying they've lived in eg. a rambling house with huge garden for 50yrs so they're not leaving. Well they can choose that, but they can't expect everyone else to run round facilitating their choice.

I would help a neighbour or any elderly person to choose wallpaper and wouldn't resent it if they stretched it out a bit. Then l grew up seeing my parents help the elderly in our neighbourhood who had no one. Just be kind to an older member of society who needs a hand. Look at all the kindness shown to the elderly during lockdown and done with a smile. Forget your bil and his wife.
When it comes to intimate care that's different but what's happening if someone resents this simple task. The elderly have a bit of a habit of adding on bits but doing it happily won't kill you. We will be all old before long.
I was lucky to have lots of siblings to help me with caring for my dm but before my inlaws went into full time care l had no bother doing a few bits as did all the other inlaws male and female.
Time to worry about this when it gets intense. Meanwhile humour an old lady who raised your dh!!

I don't look at helping inlaws as helping them - I look at it as helping my husband to repay the care they have given him over the years. I don't take responsibility for their care like my husband does - but I try and do things I feel comfortable with that I know will help him or make him happy. I am low contact with my m'n'law infact I recently blocked her on my phone so its not as if we have a good relationship but this arrangement allows us all to rub along well together.

@junebirthdaygirl

I would help a neighbour or any elderly person to choose wallpaper and wouldn't resent it if they stretched it out a bit. Then l grew up seeing my parents help the elderly in our neighbourhood who had no one. Just be kind to an older member of society who needs a hand. Look at all the kindness shown to the elderly during lockdown and done with a smile. Forget your bil and his wife. When it comes to intimate care that's different but what's happening if someone resents this simple task. The elderly have a bit of a habit of adding on bits but doing it happily won't kill you. We will be all old before long. I was lucky to have lots of siblings to help me with caring for my dm but before my inlaws went into full time care l had no bother doing a few bits as did all the other inlaws male and female. Time to worry about this when it gets intense. Meanwhile humour an old lady who raised your dh!!

Ok, I’ll try and humour her, but I don’t think she understands what that is😂.

It doesn’t take much to be nice, but this should extend to her especially when she knows dh goes out of his way to help her.
She is very astute and very manipulative. She moves around faster than me and I’m in my fifties 😮😃.

When goes down to PILs, I help him out

'She is very astute and very manipulative'

I hear you. Not every older person fits the sweet harmless old lady / man stereotype. Some people on here say you're making a huge fuss over choosing wallpaper, but I can tell you feel you're being sucked in to something bigger

I really can't get worked up about the wallpaper thing. It sounds like they maybe stall you because they're lonely.

Your DH and his brother need to discuss what the plan is for your PIL if and when they need intimate care, and then relay that to them. So the next time there are any hint you can say "we have discussed this, if you got to that stage we would be getting carers in."

Oops, pressed too soon

When dh goes down to help them, often with very short notice, I take over his tasks, and that works, so that will carry on.

It’s up to dh how he responds to MILs demands. He is a grown man and I’ve given up asking him to step back a bit (not altogether) and encourage her to seek help elsewhere/dbro.

And yes I know I haven’t seen her for a year, I get that, but it works both ways. She hasn’t seen me for a year either, but no ‘Hi DIL really missed you, how are you ? as I said to her. Just radio wallpaper.

I’ll shut up now and not post anymore.
I will carry on helping dh when he helps her.
I’ll try not to think about the future, maybe when adult children leave home, dbro won’t have any excuses and help.

@Lottapianos

'She is very astute and very manipulative'

I hear you. Not every older person fits the sweet harmless old lady / man stereotype. Some people on here say you're making a huge fuss over choosing wallpaper, but I can tell you feel you're being sucked in to something bigger

Thank you, that exactly what she isn’t, sweet and harmless 😟

Dbro has set his own boundaries, as everyone is entitled to do. Would not bet on him changing those boundaries when his kids move out. He is not using them as an excuse , he is using them to deflect from the fact that he is going to do nothing, he has chosen his path. You need to choose yours independently. Are you happy to leave the in laws to it? He is.

The brother will find another reason to not be at the service of the elderly person, he's not stupid and he's not going to be taken for a mug, anyone who's got any sense will follow suit

Ultimately this is a game of musical chairs (even if you don't recognise it as such) if you have the misfortune to be the person who is still standing up (i.e. does not have a plausible reason for not providing care) then everything will be your fault and you will be the one who is run ragged
Don't be a mug, find your chair straight away.

@Miasicarisatia

Ultimately this is a game of musical chairs (even if you don't recognise it as such) if you have the misfortune to be the person who is still standing up (i.e. does not have a plausible reason for not providing care) then everything will be your fault and you will be the one who is run ragged Don't be a mug, find your chair straight away.

I recognise it as exactly that, musical chairs.

And yes, I intend to find my chair.

@Miasicarisatia

Ultimately this is a game of musical chairs (even if you don't recognise it as such) if you have the misfortune to be the person who is still standing up (i.e. does not have a plausible reason for not providing care) then everything will be your fault and you will be the one who is run ragged Don't be a mug, find your chair straight away.

And thank you, your post makes sense.

Similarish situation with my grandparents. There is my mom and uncle. My mom is expected to do everything as its womens work and my uncle works. My mom also works and has a disabled husband.

We've made it quite clear that, if it comes to it, they will need to go into a care home or have carers coming in. Its being ignored currently but there really is no other way around it. My mom can't afford to retire yet and would be destitute. My grandparents have had a lot of money pass through their hands over the years, they are very frivolous, its not as if they could fund my mom giving up work to care for them.

We are waiting for "well we looked after you when you were a child" to come up.

@BeyondMyWits

Dbro has set his own boundaries, as everyone is entitled to do. Would not bet on him changing those boundaries when his kids move out. He is not using them as an excuse , he is using them to deflect from the fact that he is going to do nothing, he has chosen his path. You need to choose yours independently. Are you happy to leave the in laws to it? He is.

Are you happy to leave the in laws to it? He is

As I am less morally obliged to look after them than dbro, then yes I am happy to leave the in laws to it.

I’m definitely going to go off thread now, it’s Bank holiday and there is food and beer to be had.

Thank you all for your input 💐

And Happy Bank holiday everybody 🙂