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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever set boundaries with your in-laws regarding elderly help? If so, some tips and advice are needed please.

178 replies

Cheeseandbeansontoast · 29/04/2021 13:32

For background info, there is dh and his brother, plus me and SIL and their adult children. We didn’t have children.

Some help required here as the In-laws (who think women should be kept in a box until help is expected 🙄) are getting older and getting more demanding.

Dh is doing all he can to help, his Dbro isn’t doing much to help as their adult children ‘need him at home’ , and as we don’t have children, surely we have nothing better to do…..As you can tell, I’m a bit pissed off.

I help out every now and then with Dh, but they make a five minute job into a day of a thing, adding jobs on to the original ‘to do’ list, so we are stuck there longer than anticipated, and the hints of women’s work and elderly care are getting stronger. Up to now, I have ignored them.

But it’s going to come to a head one day, and I think boundaries need setting now. Have you set boundaries regarding this? If so, how did you implement them?

My thoughts are that the primary caregiving goes to Dh and his Dbro, 50/50, seeing as she gave birth to them and brought them up.

OP posts:
AmyLou100 · 29/04/2021 17:24

People only get away with what you allow them too. That's what it really comes down to. Stick to your times in advance and when they start pulling out all the other things, just get up and head towards the door. They continue pulling these stunts because no one stops them.

Newestname001 · 29/04/2021 17:30

@Cheeseandbeansontoast

She had asked dh to take her to the wallpaper store but also asked him if I could come as well as I have the ‘eye for design’.

The key here, OP, is to say NO as clearly, politely (if you wish) but as consistently as you can. Otherwise you are being manipulated by proxy. 🌹

Andylion · 29/04/2021 17:32

@Cheeseandbeansontoast

She had asked dh to take her to the wallpaper store but also asked him if I could come as well as I have the ‘eye for design’.
I wouldn't bother feeling guilty about turning down a request such as helping pick out wallpaper, assuming she didn't need a ride there and FiL could have gone.

I would start by saying you are busy when they make this kind of request.

ancientgran · 29/04/2021 17:35

@Aquamarine1029

As far as I'm concerned, the only person you need to speak to is your husband. You tell him clearly that you will not be his parents carer. Discussion over. He and his brother will have to manage things, which as adult men, they are perfectly capable of doing.
So how do you enforce that? If their sons don't want to do it no one can make them. Believe me some people do their share and others don't.
Whatwouldnanado · 29/04/2021 17:36

Are they lonely and simply enjoy spending time with you but feel they need a reason to get you to come and visit? Is there usually much affection between you all? How about allocating one afternoon a week or something, alternating with your husband's brother and his wife? Get contacts for cleaners, home help, gardeners for the rest.

ancientgran · 29/04/2021 17:39

I don't mean OP should do it, just that from a practical point of view you can't just make people do it even if you think it is their duty.

johnd2 · 29/04/2021 17:47

In terms of boundaries you don't need to make any proposal of what should happen, your boundaries only cover what you won't be doing yourself. I agree with previous posters that your problem is your own not your mils, the problem is you are feeling guilty and as a result of that guilt you are doing things that you don't want to, she is manipulating your feelings whether intentionally or not to control you.
You need to break the link between the guilt and the action, then the guilt will lessen over time.
Good luck, it's not easy to break the link but it will be a good investment.

Garman · 29/04/2021 18:05

My inlaws are only in their mid 60s but I have already made it clear I will have absolutely no part in their care as they get older, because they are terrible people and mil is as toxic as they come. They're not my parents, they have their own children, it falls to them not me.

beachsidecafe · 29/04/2021 18:16

This is the right time to set boundaries, now more than ever given the covid excuse will no longer be viable.

DH and DB need to either make a rota between them or hire help and care. It is as simple as that. You don't need to be involved, and nor does SIL. Having adult children is hardly a good excuse.

Just make it crystal clear to dh that you are not doing any of it, not the wallpapers, the days out, the caring side. Nothing. And no need to feel worried, you were not put on this earth to serve the needs of everyone else, regardless of whether they are extended family or not.

wombatgoeswild · 29/04/2021 18:17

I'm being dragged into this sort of thing. Fortunately I have a good DH & Bil is stepping up, despite the distance involved. The only people not cooperating are my actual in-laws, who are in deep denial about what needs doing. So apparently we need for things to get worse...

Much empathy.

beachsidecafe · 29/04/2021 18:18

what why should op give up a whole afternoon for them?! They are NOT her family, not her problem. Care can be paid for, dh can do the visiting. Op can drop in IF she feels like it!

Soontobe60 · 29/04/2021 18:22

To be honest, complaining about being asked to help your MIL choose wallpaper is frankly pathetic.
If she were asking you to carry out intimate care, clean the bathroom or do the washing then you’d have grounds to moan.

Soontobe60 · 29/04/2021 18:23

@beachsidecafe

what why should op give up a whole afternoon for them?! They are NOT her family, not her problem. Care can be paid for, dh can do the visiting. Op can drop in IF she feels like it!
A mother in law IS family.
Soontobe60 · 29/04/2021 18:24

I’m shocked at the number of people on here who would not help out with their parents in law, but leave it all to their partners. What happened to supporting family? God help some of you when you get older and need more support.

beachsidecafe · 29/04/2021 18:27

soon nope she is not a blood relative, and the onus is on dh to organise care for HIS parents.

God help some of you when you get older and need more support

I will organise my own care and will not become a heavy burden to my children. I did not have children so they could serve me in old age. I would prefer my children to visit when they want to and can manage, they are under no obligations or guilt trips or anything like that.

I have been in hospital a number of times with serious illness and surgery and just booked a local agency. I didn't ring around making it everyone else's problem.

Craftycorvid · 29/04/2021 18:36

It’s not an automatic obligation to devote yourself to caring for any older relative, and expecting a younger person to do so is unreasonable. So far, the demands don’t seem more than annoying but I get your sense they’ll escalate. There is support available though some may have to be paid for. And I’d embrace a brand new ‘interest’ that keeps you super busy Grin

Oneeyeopen · 29/04/2021 18:36

You hadn't seen your mil for a year and resent spending a few hours looking at wallpaper with her.
Well you're a peach!

Notaroadrunner · 29/04/2021 18:39

Choosing wallpaper wouldn't bother me at all. I enjoyed picking out things with MIL for her house when she redecorated. Being expected to do a few odd jobs is fine if your Dh is free and can do them but I'd draw the line at a couple of hours, not a whole day unless previously agreed. There's no need for you to go with him when he's doing these things.

As for providing care for them, I'd be saying a very firm no. You need to start stepping back from visiting so that they realise you are not available to them. It's up to your Dh and his brother to discuss their future care with their parents. Any expectations that you or SIL should be the ones to care for them needs to be shut down. I wouldn't mind cooking an odd dinner or better still looking up local meals on wheels and cleaners for them to contact, but that would be the extent of the 'care' you should consider (then you can at least say you helped). But of course your Dh is well capable of looking up these services. His brother is entitled to decide on what level of help he is willing to give and I'm guessing he and SIL have copped on to the hints from your inlaws before now and are keeping their distance.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/04/2021 18:50

Picking wallpaper doesn't sound too hard a task but you're afraid this is the thin end of the wedge I think. I looked after my DM for six years when she had Dementia and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, only love for her kept me going, I'm afraid my In laws will have to depend on their son. I'll help but I couldn't commit to it like I did for my own.

Original poster
Cheeseandbeansontoast · 29/04/2021 18:58

Thank you for your replies.
Lots to answer, but I’ll have to keep it brief as dh is home.

MIL is not an easy person to get along with, she is hard work. You cannot sit and have a conversation with her about nice things without her bringing everybody down by being negative and constantly draining..

Dh is here, will come back later.

OP posts:
Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 29/04/2021 19:03

Going through similar with my MIL. Won't ask her dd for any help because she (sil) s so busy (she doesn't work at all, drives a top range car, owns two pedigree dogs and a horse and claims all the benefits going as she is incapacitated!!!) But MIL will ring us for anything and everything (even though we both work and have a young family!). She manipulates my partner so much. If he goes there to do one job it turns into a mega list of things she needs done (but won't do herself as it is man's work) ie mowing the lawn, pouring jeyes down the drain, cleaning her windows, or even decorating her own bloody Christmas tree!!! She is currently not talking to me (bliss) because I told her to back off and get her daughter to help more as gluteus maximus paralysis is not permanent! (Sil won't get off her fat arse!). Sometimes you just have to be tough or they learn to be helpless!

StillWeRise · 29/04/2021 19:03

you have my sympathy OP
I will make this observation- people who are retired, espeially if they have been retired a while often have no idea at all of the preciousness of other people's time. I remember my DF (and DM can do it now) droning on and on to people like tradespeople who were clearly in a hurry, but too polite to cut him short. He was a sociable sort who enjoyed chatting, he'd forgotten that we don't all have infinite time for that sort of thing.
And I think the same applies when ILs ask you round to help with 'a little job' which then expands...they have forgotten what its like to have hardly any free time

Divebar2021 · 29/04/2021 19:06

Jesus some of these comments are cold. Some of you sound like complete delights.

Craftycorvid · 29/04/2021 19:14

Getting caught up in caring for someone whose needs will increase is a strain. If the person is difficult or hard to like, it’s infinitely worse and better for a professional who can be breezy because they aren’t emotionally involved. I know people whose lives are wasting away whilst they care for an abusive elder.

Hoppinggreen · 29/04/2021 19:15

Does “don’t look at me speak to sil” count?