Have you ever set boundaries with your in-laws regarding elderly help? If so, some tips and advice are needed please.

[Cheeseandbeansontoast]

For background info, there is dh and his brother, plus me and SIL and their adult children. We didn’t have children.

Some help required here as the In-laws (who think women should be kept in a box until help is expected 🙄) are getting older and getting more demanding.

Dh is doing all he can to help, his Dbro isn’t doing much to help as their adult children ‘need him at home’ , and as we don’t have children, surely we have nothing better to do…..As you can tell, I’m a bit pissed off.

I help out every now and then with Dh, but they make a five minute job into a day of a thing, adding jobs on to the original ‘to do’ list, so we are stuck there longer than anticipated, and the hints of women’s work and elderly care are getting stronger. Up to now, I have ignored them.

But it’s going to come to a head one day, and I think boundaries need setting now. Have you set boundaries regarding this? If so, how did you implement them?

My thoughts are that the primary caregiving goes to Dh and his Dbro, 50/50, seeing as she gave birth to them and brought them up.

Post covid is a really good opportunity to put some boundaries in place and end some indulgences with PILs and elderly over entitled parents.

Fortunately when I was in that position mobiles were "bricks", there were no smart phones or internet. I made an art form out of being "difficult to contact" so I escaped a lot of it. More so when I moved to another city and got employed on an international project.

@Cheeseandbeansontoast

For background info, there is dh and his brother, plus me and SIL and their adult children. We didn’t have children.

Some help required here as the In-laws (who think women should be kept in a box until help is expected 🙄) are getting older and getting more demanding.

Dh is doing all he can to help, his Dbro isn’t doing much to help as their adult children ‘need him at home’ , and as we don’t have children, surely we have nothing better to do…..As you can tell, I’m a bit pissed off.

I help out every now and then with Dh, but they make a five minute job into a day of a thing, adding jobs on to the original ‘to do’ list, so we are stuck there longer than anticipated, and the hints of women’s work and elderly care are getting stronger. Up to now, I have ignored them.

But it’s going to come to a head one day, and I think boundaries need setting now. Have you set boundaries regarding this? If so, how did you implement them?

My thoughts are that the primary caregiving goes to Dh and his Dbro, 50/50, seeing as she gave birth to them and brought them up.

How old are they?

Agree set days/times to deal with their stuff and stick to it

Ooh, not sure Cheese will understand what I want, she might not get me the right thing. The conversation rambled on so much about my conceived computer illiteracy that Dh had to take the job back.

No, he didn't.

@memberofthewedding

Post covid is a really good opportunity to put some boundaries in place and end some indulgences with PILs and elderly over entitled parents.

Fortunately when I was in that position mobiles were "bricks", there were no smart phones or internet. I made an art form out of being "difficult to contact" so I escaped a lot of it. More so when I moved to another city and got employed on an international project.

I think you nailed it with the elderly over entitled parents.

If they didn’t treat women as ‘keep her in a box until needed’ then I wouldn’t mind helping, it’s just the lack of respect she has for us until she requires/ demands our help.

I think going shopping for wallpaper is very different to them needing elderly help. Obviously if you don't want to go shopping just don't but it isn't a big deal is it. I mean how often are they buying wallpaper?

Even young people can appreciate advice when buying household stuff or clothes, it isn't really an elderly thing is it. Having said that I like to shop by myself so I wouldn't particularly want to go shopping with someone else. I guess we are all different.

@Nanny0gg

Ooh, not sure Cheese will understand what I want, she might not get me the right thing. The conversation rambled on so much about my conceived computer illiteracy that Dh had to take the job back.

No, he didn't.

I said she didn’t need to know that I was doing it, but he decided to take it back. I do his share of the housework when he is helping them, and that way I am less involved with her and still helping.

I do nothing for my in-laws as they expect us to do everything that needs doing, and they refuse to go into care. I’ve now gone NC and barred their phone number from our house phone.
At first DH was buying their shopping and paying for their massive garden to be tended - I went absolutely mental. No way was their stuff coming out of our money when they both had an OAP and private pensions ( so 4 pensions between them ) and we had kids/house to maintain and jobs to hold down.
DH got SS involved and they forced carers on them, which they begrudgingly pay for, and they also pay a Gardner now.
Their sense of entitlement staggered me.

That should have said, I said to dh that she didn’t have to know that I was doing it

@ancientgran

I think going shopping for wallpaper is very different to them needing elderly help. Obviously if you don't want to go shopping just don't but it isn't a big deal is it. I mean how often are they buying wallpaper?

Even young people can appreciate advice when buying household stuff or clothes, it isn't really an elderly thing is it. Having said that I like to shop by myself so I wouldn't particularly want to go shopping with someone else. I guess we are all different.

I was quite happy to go wallpaper shopping with her, it was the ‘add ons’ at the end that I was unhappy with.

If she had made it clear she was shopping for more than one room beforehand and not EXPECTED it to be ok for us to stay longer then that’s a different matter.

MN is incredibly ageist and has a view that, if you ‘choose to have children’, 100% of the obligations are from the parents to the children and children should never feel obliged to do anything for parents at any point in their lives.

I really cannot agree with this.

I see no problem at all with elderly parents expecting (or at least helping) for a bit of help and company in their old age. I feel that this is a good thing for all concerned.

But, yes, there need to be boundaries. If your time with them is massively interfering with the rest of your life you do have to say, firmly, ‘I cannot do this weekend (or whatever the suggested time) but let’s put something in the diary’...or similar words.

And I love shopping on my own too.

@TheReluctantPhoenix

MN is incredibly ageist and has a view that, if you ‘choose to have children’, 100% of the obligations are from the parents to the children and children should never feel obliged to do anything for parents at any point in their lives.

I really cannot agree with this.

I see no problem at all with elderly parents expecting (or at least helping) for a bit of help and company in their old age. I feel that this is a good thing for all concerned.

But, yes, there need to be boundaries. If your time with them is massively interfering with the rest of your life you do have to say, firmly, ‘I cannot do this weekend (or whatever the suggested time) but let’s put something in the diary’...or similar words.

But, yes, there need to be boundaries. If your time with them is massively interfering with the rest of your life you do have to say, firmly, ‘I cannot do this weekend (or whatever the suggested time) but let’s put something in the diary’...or similar words.

I see what you are saying, unfortunately though the diary bit doesn’t work when she organises (controls)our time by organising a decorator beforehand.

I suspect we will be expected to step up and do the lions share because dh's brother does not live nearby - no doubt his wife will be busy issuing orders to us.

From what has been said I think fil will be OK of he has to go into in a home, but I just know mil will hate it, but tjats how it will have to be as oir dksabled dc is my priority.

@starfishmummy

I suspect we will be expected to step up and do the lions share because dh's brother does not live nearby - no doubt his wife will be busy issuing orders to us. From what has been said I think fil will be OK of he has to go into in a home, but I just know mil will hate it, but tjats how it will have to be as oir dksabled dc is my priority.

The worst thing with our dbro is that he lives round the corner from the PILs, and we live five miles away, not too far away I know, but that bit seems to be completely ignored. Dbro didn’t even pick up their mail when PILs were away, even though they asked him to.

but tjats how it will have to be as oir dksabled dc is my priority

Exactly🙂.

Genuine question here. Does no one have any sense of duty towards parents any more these days?

OP that's not aimed at you - I agree your DH should be the main one helping his parents out, and there's a gendered nature towards some of what's being asked of you, which isn't OK - but some of the responses people have given are really giving the impression that duty towards one's parents is not among many people's values any more these days.

I don't mean scenarios where people are constrained (job, geography, kids, finance, other own-life commitments) from helping elderly parents much. I fully realise that that means many people can't help much, or at all. But I'm talking about the basic principle that it's desirable to help them out as much as possible, if possible. Do some people really feel adult children owe their parents nothing and that said parents should have the decency to book themselves into a care home (or, judging by one post on here, actually off themselves!!!) when they start to falter, rather than expect any support at all from their grown children?

Dunno, maybe I'm just old-fashioned about these things, but some of the responses on here are pretty depressing to me.

I absolutely would look after my DM as we are very close, she's helped me a huge amount over the years and been a massive source of care and support. She would never expect me to do so though. On the other hand in laws aren't very involved with us but have high levels of expectation. We don't have a close relationship with them,
so I wouldn't be happy caring for them in their old age to be honest, and also unlike my DM they have plenty of money to pay for any help they may need. I think you reap what you sow as a parent and if you have been unwilling to support your child and have a reciprocal relationship you can't really expect them to do so for you. Also having watced my DM go from cooking for my DGD twice a week to having to manage his house, appointments, be on call if he falls plus a million other things, I think ongoing care from relatives can fracture even the strongest of relationships and cause resentment because it does eat up so much of your own life.

Bit stunned tbh by so many views about not helping elderly parents whether they are your own or your in laws. I did the lions share of support and care for my late dad. My bro was a bit of a bystander often saying “you’re better at these things”. My SIL did absolutely nothing which irked me. She could pass my parents house several times a day without as much as dropping a pint of milk off when they were poorly.

My husband on the other hand was hugely helpful and understanding of the amount of time I spent taking my dad to hospital, daily visiting, accompanying to appointments and generally sorting out anything he needed. This was a pressure for me but helped him and in turn took the pressure off my mum.

My brothers lack of practical support and being missing in action was an issue for me but I couldn’t make him do it. Plus they knew he didn’t want to do it and it was grudged so they were happier if I sorted stuff out. My husband helped where he could.

My dad has now passed away. I have absolutely no regrets about my care of him. I’m pretty sure my bro can’t say the same. I did everything in my power to make him as comfortable and as happy as I could. Dementia is distressing for all involved.

My husband has a great relationship with my mum and would pretty much do anything to help her. If he wasn’t compassionate to people I care about I wouldn’t be with him.

In turn I have an expectation to be involved in providing support to my MIL when required. I don’t have a particularly good relationship with her. Don’t think I’ve ever been forgiven for taking her son away from her. My husband has a difficult relationship with her too but I support and encourage him and prompt him to call her, do things for her etc, order her treats. We both do things for her.

My view is my parents gave me a great childhood. I could always rely on them and it’s my turn to repay this. I do completely appreciate the difficulty if this hasn’t been the case and parents are now dependent or needing care/time/support.

I think compassion and kindness goes a long way. This idea that “professionals” can replace the support and warmth of having family around you in your later years is an odd one. Often this care is more transactional.

I should say that I have a very senior job so do long hours so when my dad was ill I didn’t have bags of time but the time I had he got. At one point I found myself ducking out of a meeting to run into a city centre shop to pick up stuff he had asked me to get his friends. Not even for him. Lol. He had v specific requests and a quick call was never a quick call or a quick visit. He wanted to talk to me. Tell me things. He wanted my time and had no concept of my limited time or work commitments. He too had done very traditional views about women’s work but I accepted that as he was in his 80s.

So big long post but unlike others I do feel I have a responsibility towards my parents and my in laws. I show them as much compassion and kindness I can. Of course at times it grates but they’re our family x

@TheUndoingProject

So you haven’t seen them for a year and after one afternoon choosing some wallpaper you’re worried about boundaries?

I wouldn’t really call your situation providing elderly help...

This, honestly.

I came on here fully expecting to support you and encourage you to push back against being used to provide personal care to your ILs but that's not what this is at all.

An elderly woman you haven't seen for a year wanted you to help her choose some wallpaper and you're acting like you have to change her incontinence pads 5 times a day. Your defense that "I thought we were only buying one wallpaper, but it turned into more that one!" Is neither here nor there. Your MIL obviously doesn't get out much and probably wanted to kill a few birds with one stone while she was in the shop rather than potentially ask you to take her again next year.

It's just sad really. Can't you be kind? This is your husband's mother. Surely you can spare her one afternoon a year?

@joystir59

I don't see why any family member should become responsible for giving ever increasing amounts of support in terms of maintaining and clean the house or providing personal care and life admin support. I personally believe that when we become incapable of managing ourselves and our affairs it's time to sell up and move into an assisted living facility or residential/care home. That's what I will be doing. I wouldn't dream of burdening family members.

Entitlement. With old age and decreasing mental facility comes an increased sense of entitlement. 'I can't do it so now you have to'.

Driving home yesterday after my two-day per week childcare stint (recently reduced from five days per week) I pulled in to take an urgent call from my brother. My 89 year old father had fallen. Fallen, yes, Four times last night. Doubly incontinent. My life is now turned upside down. My brother has severe COPD, can't breathe much. I have a list of ailments and conditions as long as my arm. There's no-one else. We will have to do what needs doing or take the harsh decision about a care home.

My sister in law is supportive but we won't be expecting her to come round and wash dad's bum. To be fair, he hasn't let us do that either, as yet, but that just means he's at risk of infection.

Driving home yesterday after my two-day per week childcare stint (recently reduced from five days per week) I pulled in to take an urgent call from my brother. My 89 year old father had fallen. Fallen, yes, Four times last night. Doubly incontinent. My life is now turned upside down. My brother has severe COPD, can't breathe much. I have a list of ailments and conditions as long as my arm. There's no-one else. We will have to do what needs doing or take the harsh decision about a care home.

@DoingItMyself so sorry to read that. I've done a lot of elderly parent care myself with ongoing health issues, so I can really relate. The feeling of being the only person standing between a parent and a care home is very stressful. Make sure you're doing all you can to manage your own health as well as your dad's, though.

I see no problem at all with elderly parents expecting (or at least helping) for a bit of help and company in their old age. I feel that this is a good thing for all concerned.

Very circumstantial imo. My mum will get limited help from me. On the positive side though I won't be locking her screaming in the bathroom for hours on end, leaving her in supermarkets abroad in the hope someone else will walk off with her or repeatedly telling her I wished she'd die in her sleep (all things she did to me when I was small).

My mil on the other hand is amazing and I have zero issue helping her out.

OP, you have said more than once something along the lines of you having no choice because the decorator was already booked - but that is actually completely irrelevant. Having boundaries is not about attempting to change other people's behaviour, it is about your own behaviour.

So, despite the fact that your MIL had booked the decorator to come in a few days, YOU could have declined and/or said you were busy. "Oh Lucy, what a shame you didn't give us more notice - we won't have time to help you choose wallpaper in the next X days so you will either need to choose it yourself or rearrange the decorator. We could help you choose wallpaper on the afternoon of ."

Then in the wallpaper shop," Oh Lucy, such a pity you only told me we were looking for one roll today! We will have to find another date to come back again, there isn't time today. Let's take this roll to the till."

It's no good expecting her to have a sudden personality transplant, you need to be much firmer with your communication.

@Cheeseandbeansontoast
You write '
Dh and I have been talking about our will recently as it needed changing to include new arrivals in the family. I brought it up again today about booking an appointment to see the solicitor and mentioned at that point about power of attorney over PILs will. He says its his and his dbros job to doing.
Inheritance wise as DH is helping, I don’t see why he wouldn’t get any inheritance. 🤷‍♀️ If I didn’t help I wouldn’t expect anything anyway, but what dh will get inheritance wise will go in our joint account
So you are happy to benefit from inheritance money from your PILs but resent any caring responsibilities for them.. I'm afraid you do come across as entitled and uncaring. I feel sorry for them.

I dont think they get it that we are time poor. My DGM was the same. She expected so much of the women in particular even me as a single parent with a young child. My male cousins were let off despite having wives to have the children.

I also felt that I was kind of being set up to take over full time care because I didnt have a man around. I did as much as i possibly could but it was upsetting that others did so little.

Elderly care/ women’s work that she keeps hinting at is toilet/hospital/bed sores/cleaning/nappy changing for when they become incapacitated. The cleaner she had originally got sacked because she didn’t clean to her standard.

NOPE. No no no. Absolutely not.