Death grip in a relationship

[GreenFairyHouse]

Has anyone here experienced deathgrip in a relationship and can you come back from it?

I met my partner a number of years ago and the relationship I have with him is like no other. We got on so well and we experienced so much together.

There was one issue - the bedroom.

The bedroom antics was never fulfilling for me. I'm not a horny, raged lunatic by any means. In the early days we had sex when we could and that was about once every 2 or 3 weeks. When we did have sex it was never all that great. He always maintained the same position, flat on his back and he was never able to go the full way in me. He always finished off with his hand.

I've now come to realise that he has a death grip.

When I tried to talk to him, he said that he is happy with the way things are and he doesn't see a problem. I say we had sex about 3 times in 2019 and once last year.

We don't have a sex life anymore. I really don't see it resuming. He tried to get close recently a few times but I don't know what to do any more. It's just awkward after so long without and I'm not happy and comfortable any more. The spark and chemistry is completely gone now.

We get on well together but I feel we are more friends than anything else. I really can't see how we can come back from a place of no sex.

Lately over the past month or so, I was having some dreams in my sleep where I can feel myself aroused and I wake up aroused. Nothing to do with my partner or any other person. I don't know what the dreams were about.

[quote Seadad]@dotdashdashdash "You don't think that frequent masturbation with a strong grip and in the absence of regular vaginal stimulation might cause some sensitisation issues?"
No - I've never heard of this in any male forum ever. Not have a read about it anywhere serious.

Nor does it seem remotely likely that an organ as sensitive would have to require 'firm grip' . It may be that only self stimulation works - but- as for women - this is unlikely to have any physical cause.[/quote]
I must admit it does sound like total nonsense. Equivalent to saying women stop feeling anything down there if they use vibrators. Sounds suspiciously like sour grapes when one sex excludes the other from their fun!

@Alcemeg

Death-grip
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death-grip_syndrome

And the female equivalent is known as Dead-Vagina syndrome

www.health.com/condition/sexual-health/dead-vagina-syndrome

Lots Of debate on the about the medical validity of either, have a read and make you mind up

[quote JustAnotherOldMan]@Alcemeg

Death-grip
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death-grip_syndrome

And the female equivalent is known as Dead-Vagina syndrome

www.health.com/condition/sexual-health/dead-vagina-syndrome

Lots Of debate on the about the medical validity of either, have a read and make you mind up[/quote]
So I see!

Looks like a load of old wank to me 😁😎

OP, put it another way.
Ideally he'd be in a relationship where his GF thinks he's lovely and just right for her.
He SO is not, right now.
By ending this you're doing HIM a favour too. Stringing him along is a bad thing, don't do it .

So..."The concept of death-grip syndrome is not recognized by any mainstream medical bodies."

I'm not really surprised.
OP most people pick up at on the various unspoken hints around relationship unhappiness- and it's bound to affect sexual pleasure, especially if they were somewhat repressed to begin with.

Why haven't you given up and dumped him?

This

On the rare occasions that you did have sex, it wasn’t fulfilling. Sexually you’re not compatible, move on already!

Health line talks about ‘death grip ‘ being not confirmed however it’s clearly states
‘Hyperstimulation leading to decreased sensitivity in the penis isn’t new. Research shows that a person who gets more pleasure from masturbating than from other types of sex is more likely to continue deep-rooted habits, including unique masturbation techniques.

This leads to a vicious cycle in which a person needs to increase the force of masturbation to counteract declining sensitivity.’

Absolutely ridiculous and minimising for people to get on here and claim that men can’t master are to the point where they lose interest in sex with their partner . THIS is absolutely a thing that can and does happen and no it’s not always a result of ‘ other issues in the relationships ‘ sometimes it’s just a fact that the men have personal issues that lead them to prefer masterbating . Whether that be problems with be intimate or just plain old selfishness . Totally horrible that some people think it’s fine and they know better than the experiences of women who have actually had to deal with men like this.

@Washingtofold - that explanation doesn't make it an actual physical thing - in the same way that a perversion is when a particular act is necessary for orgasm (unlike a fetish where it is enhanced).
It doesn't mean that sexual perversion is bodily or in the equipment used - it's in the mind.
And to be accused of mansplaining to women about owning a penis does kinda take the biscuit! (NB The biscuit only enhances pleasure for me - but is not necessary to complete coitus or it would be a dreadful porn induced custard cream perversion)

OP you deserve to be with someone who satisfies you
You know you deserve better too.

Sorry if I've missed it in your thread or a pp, but what about children? Did you want any? I imagine it would be very difficult to conceive with this man since he won't stay in you...
Not only that, god forbid your sex drive goes through the roof if you did fall pregnant and then who's going to help you in that department?

I'm a bit younger than you, but as someone who just found her sexually compatible partner last year, I'd say you definitely need to find yours. When it's right, it's soooo right.
End this before restrictions ease completely and he wants to see you more. Do it now. Why should you waste any more of your time. He's selfish.

@ComtesseDeSpair

Has he actually said that he masturbates a lot, or is this just your assumption? Not being able to finish through PIV isn’t actually as uncommon for men as it’s assumed. Equally, plenty of women don’t get off through PIV alone and need oral sex or toys/vibrators to help them along the way - but that doesn’t seem to attract a diagnosis of “vibrator clit” or whatever.

It sounds like a wholly unsatisfactory sex life, but moreover it just sounds like he doesn’t have a particularly high sex drive, has a bit of erectile dysfunction, and therefore sex isn’t enough of a priority to him that he can be bothered to look for ways of solving the issue. It doesn’t have to be this difficult, it’s time to accept you aren’t sexually compatible and call it a day.

I often think that. Seems a bit unfair. Who cares where he finishes, so long as you get yours too?

That said, this relationship sounds awful. End things and move on, OP.

[quote Seadad]@Washingtofold - that explanation doesn't make it an actual physical thing - in the same way that a perversion is when a particular act is necessary for orgasm (unlike a fetish where it is enhanced).
It doesn't mean that sexual perversion is bodily or in the equipment used - it's in the mind.
And to be accused of mansplaining to women about owning a penis does kinda take the biscuit! (NB The biscuit only enhances pleasure for me - but is not necessary to complete coitus or it would be a dreadful porn induced custard cream perversion)[/quote]
No what your mansplaining about is not just a mans problem ‘
How is a woman saying she is not satisfied with sex a ‘mans problem ‘
Perhaps you as a man know why women are not satisfied ?? Of yes of course , it’s never because they are right and that some of you men are wanking too
Much

And additionally I think perhaps you should go back to school if youdon’t understand how a pet is being tugged too often and too hard creates less sensitivity is a ‘physical thing’
But go ahead and keep mansplaining

@Washingtofold - bit harsh on both sides. I'm really not diminishing the emotional pain for anyone on the other side of the relationship.And I've not sought to explain anything about a women's satisfaction.

All I'm saying is I think sensitivity, responsivemess and ability to orgasm are far more related to how we train our bodies and how we feel emotionally than anything we do unless it's some serious nerve damage.

I don't think there is any evidence that vigorous masturbation reduces or changes nerve sensitivity in men or women, and certainly nothing clinical. There are preferences of course. But nothing to do with 'grip'. And no, there is no evidence that masturbation is harmful. Obviously if it reduces or replaces intimacy in a relationship then of course it matters- but that would be true of any activity (gaming, golf, social media etc).
So for what it's worth OP - I don't think your OM has broken his penis - there could be a physical cause (low testosterone, diabetes?) But it sounds as though the problems in your sex life relate to your relationship, intimacy and sexual connection. The question is whether you want to fix it.

[quote Seadad]@Washingtofold - bit harsh on both sides. I'm really not diminishing the emotional pain for anyone on the other side of the relationship.And I've not sought to explain anything about a women's satisfaction.

All I'm saying is I think sensitivity, responsivemess and ability to orgasm are far more related to how we train our bodies and how we feel emotionally than anything we do unless it's some serious nerve damage.

I don't think there is any evidence that vigorous masturbation reduces or changes nerve sensitivity in men or women, and certainly nothing clinical. There are preferences of course. But nothing to do with 'grip'. And no, there is no evidence that masturbation is harmful. Obviously if it reduces or replaces intimacy in a relationship then of course it matters- but that would be true of any activity (gaming, golf, social media etc).
So for what it's worth OP - I don't think your OM has broken his penis - there could be a physical cause (low testosterone, diabetes?) But it sounds as though the problems in your sex life relate to your relationship, intimacy and sexual connection. The question is whether you want to fix it.[/quote]
It’s fine for you to not THINk that vigorous master actions reduces nerve sensitivity in men . Health line, our health today and many other sites say otherwise .
I’m not interested in debating with you on opinion . I’ll go off my own experience , YES as a women who’s been I. Therapy with a man who’s experienced this qbd the psychologists who advise men not to masterbate excessively because of this issue . I could ask you to provide evidence that grip does not affect the sexual performance as I personally know sex therapist who says otherwise but I won’t
OP I think you would be best advised to listen to you intuition and seek medical or therapist advice possibly .

@Washingtofold - I really wouldn't want to underestimate your experience and I'm sorry if you've suffered this personally in a relationship.

I know some women also fear that the use of toys - especially vibrators - may have a similar desensitising effect on their ability to enjoy PIV sex. And the truth is that, certainly for men, masturbation is going to affect performance if there isn't a sufficient time gap.

But again, it doesn't really matter whether what's happening is physical or mental as far as the experience is concerned. I don't actually think we are that far apart in Ive said that technique can train our bodies to require or respond differently without any physical changes.
I'm just adding in that there is a relationship dynamic in which the intensity of sexual touch is experienced - and the emotional connection can make a big difference to sexual sensitivity for both sexes.

Healthline is not exactly the Lancet/NEJM. I'm surprised they don't encourage men to eat cornflakes and do vigorous chin-ups each morning to increase virility.

It seems quite likely that a hand job is more satisfying if (a) a bloke finds the intimacy of sex difficult and/or (b) he has reduced sensitivity for whatever reason, e.g. circumcision.

Reading it the other way round, i.e. wanking causes lack of sensitivity, seems illogical. How exactly does it cause that? The nerve endings become numbed over time? Really???

Reading it the other way round, i.e. wanking causes lack of sensitivity, seems illogical. How exactly does it cause that? The nerve endings become numbed over time? Really???

@Alcemeg I think it's more than men with 'death grip' get used to a certain type of/vigorous sensation in order to come. The same as if a man watched a certain type of porn each time, some then find it hard to come without that type of porn being involved.