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Original poster

Death grip in a relationship

93 replies

GreenFairyHouse · 27/04/2021 14:28

Has anyone here experienced deathgrip in a relationship and can you come back from it?

I met my partner a number of years ago and the relationship I have with him is like no other. We got on so well and we experienced so much together.

There was one issue - the bedroom.

The bedroom antics was never fulfilling for me. I'm not a horny, raged lunatic by any means. In the early days we had sex when we could and that was about once every 2 or 3 weeks. When we did have sex it was never all that great. He always maintained the same position, flat on his back and he was never able to go the full way in me. He always finished off with his hand.

I've now come to realise that he has a death grip.

When I tried to talk to him, he said that he is happy with the way things are and he doesn't see a problem. I say we had sex about 3 times in 2019 and once last year.

We don't have a sex life anymore. I really don't see it resuming. He tried to get close recently a few times but I don't know what to do any more. It's just awkward after so long without and I'm not happy and comfortable any more. The spark and chemistry is completely gone now.

We get on well together but I feel we are more friends than anything else. I really can't see how we can come back from a place of no sex.

Lately over the past month or so, I was having some dreams in my sleep where I can feel myself aroused and I wake up aroused. Nothing to do with my partner or any other person. I don't know what the dreams were about.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 28/04/2021 10:21

I was with someone who I thought sex was great with initially, we found a good routine that worked well for us. But after a month or so of this, even though great initially, I started feeling mentally a bit bored, a great routine becomes less great when you know what's coming next. So, I suggested changing the order of play, we did different positions, used some toys.
Can't imagine being in the same position all the time every time, but if you're close enough to have sex, surely, you should be close and comfortable enough to suggest something else?
What happened if you asked him to go on top, or behind etc? If you've never felt able to ask for something else, there are some issues here that are yours and you need to work on them. If he has simply refused, then the issue is his and as he hasn't bothered to work on it for years, then it's unlikely to improve, so better off without him.

TillyTopper · 28/04/2021 10:36

If you have no kids and no ties and don't live together have you considered ending the relationship? If he's not satisfying you and there is almost no sex and you want that what is the point in staying with him. You are very young to give up everything for a celibate life tbh.

Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 10:44

[quote JustAnotherOldMan]@Washingtofold.
None,
but I have had female partners who were seemly incapable of having mutually satisfying sex life, I used to think that was my fault, maybe it was , but maybe it wasn’t, but I did used to feel guilty about ending those relationships ( 1 in particular), but after reading some of comments on this thread, I don’t feel so guilty now.[/quote]
I don’t think anyone needs to feel bad about ending a relationship with someone if they are not sexually compatible
However if men ( or women for that matter ) are developing death grip that’s actually their own doing
Luckily it wasn’t the case here but certainly seems a lot of wankers (literally ) who allow porn to destroy sex for them and their partners

WeAreNow · 28/04/2021 10:51

I would be trying a new position. My boyfriend likes me on top but he very rarely finishes from it and we have to change.

Why is he making you do all of the work any way?

ZombeaArthur · 28/04/2021 10:52

Ultimately, if you have a problem in your relationship and you partner won’t even consider trying to improve things, this is not a fixable problem.

Alcemeg · 28/04/2021 10:56

Another thing to consider is sensitivity. My ex-DH was circumcised and had less sensation in that department. And everyone's different in that regard. Or have different sex drives. It doesn't necessarily mean someone has disabled themselves with a lifetime's over-vigorous wanking!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/04/2021 13:16

@TillyTopper

If you have no kids and no ties and don't live together have you considered ending the relationship? If he's not satisfying you and there is almost no sex and you want that what is the point in staying with him. You are very young to give up everything for a celibate life tbh.
This. Why are you doing this to yourself, OP? He's a shite shag who wants to use you to effectively be a human wank machine and you have almost no sex. Why waste your life on this person. You're not married. You can walk away.
Exiledmancguy · 28/04/2021 13:48

Definitely sounds like the guy has a much lower sex drive than the OP. A couple with no kids, living apart would normally be struggling to keep hands off each other, especially in current context where visits haven't been permitted for much of the last year.

With no kids and no ties, can understand why the OP may wish to call it a day, and hopefully get a more passionate and satisfying relationship with someone else.

Original poster
GreenFairyHouse · 28/04/2021 14:52

I wouldn't consider myself to have a high sex drive. I think my happy place is once a week or once a fortnight or once every three weeks.

Before lockdown when we were sleeping together, the sex drive was there but it wasn't for me. It was for his hand.

I think our relationship was forced into a friend one area due to the lockdown. I am now in a position where I have no desire for him. I thought about going away for a night but I can't do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenFairyHouse · 28/04/2021 14:55

I never had to do the dumping before.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/04/2021 15:08

@GreenFairyHouse

I never had to do the dumping before.
Easy! You put yourself first, you know, the way he does when it comes to his needs (laying back and thinking of England whilst he has you on top bouncing round being his human wanksock because he's a selfish prick and a shite shag).You do not owe him apologies or explanations or justifications.

'We've had a great time but the relationship has run its course. It's no longer working for me. So I need to end it and move on. This isn't negotiable. It's over and we're splitting up.'

If he says why, you can stick with or tell him the truth whilst at the same time sticking to your boundaries. If he pleads, tells you to give him a chance, say he'll change, you know a) that's this is not true. This is who he is and b) that he doesn't respect you and your boundaries. When someone tells you NO, it's over, then that's that. You respect that if you care about the person.

But NO ONE should have to put up with shit like this, Green.

UpdateMate · 28/04/2021 15:26

You can only come back from it if he is willing to work on it.

DH told me he was suffering a bit from his death grip - he laid the blame clearly (and accurately) at his own door. We aren't having sex as often as he would like, and he does masturbate a lot (I do not have a problem with this) but it was impacting our sex when we do have it. He has taken measures to reduce this and they are working - he continues to masturbate but is conscious of the "death grip" and it has improved for when we do have sex.

DinosaurDiana · 28/04/2021 15:31

I hadn’t had sex with my husband for a while. Over the years I’ve come to resent him a lot, add to that a bottle of wine every night and struggling to come due to antidepressants, and it’s not very romantic.
So I decided that I had to try one more time, that I just had to do it once and we’d get back into it.
No, it was the same. He stunk of red wine and couldn’t come. That was the end. We now live without sex.

BraveGoldie · 28/04/2021 15:50

I think you are interlacing loads of issues. I hadn't encountered the phrase 'death grip' before.

My DP doesn't come from penetrative sex, but he is awesome at sex and our sex life is great and both our sex drives are high. He is considerate, giving, highly active and imaginative, and knowing he's not going to come from penetration means we can go as long as we want (till I am happily satiated! 😄) before 'finishing him/us off in other ways.

So I guess what I am saying is don't mix up what situation makes him orgasm with him making zero effort/ having low sex drive/ you guys having low compatibility overall...? The death grip idea seems to be a way of making it all his fault, when it doesn't really sound like you are very compatible full stop.

Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 22:56

@BraveGoldie

I think you are interlacing loads of issues. I hadn't encountered the phrase 'death grip' before.

My DP doesn't come from penetrative sex, but he is awesome at sex and our sex life is great and both our sex drives are high. He is considerate, giving, highly active and imaginative, and knowing he's not going to come from penetration means we can go as long as we want (till I am happily satiated! 😄) before 'finishing him/us off in other ways.

So I guess what I am saying is don't mix up what situation makes him orgasm with him making zero effort/ having low sex drive/ you guys having low compatibility overall...? The death grip idea seems to be a way of making it all his fault, when it doesn't really sound like you are very compatible full stop.

Death grip is a recognised thing . If you do some research on it you understand how when men are wanking constantly they CREATE the issue IF that is the issue . The OP says her partner is in fact doing that I do t see how he is not responsible when his actions are directly causing the issue .
Hont1986 · 29/04/2021 01:38

OP, how do you actually know that he has a 'death grip'? Or is this just your assumption?

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2021 02:49

The problem is not the physical one of the damage he has done to himself, the problem is that he is just plain selfish.

"He always maintained the same position, flat on his back and he was never able to go the full way in me. He always finished off with his hand."

"When I tried to talk to him, he said that he is happy with the way things are and he doesn't see a problem. I say we had sex about 3 times in 2019 and once last year."

Your satisfaction is of no concern - he's happy and that's all that counts (to him). TBH, with such an unvarying routine to the sex, your presence seems immaterial Sad. I expect he wanks flat on his back every time too.

You've cottoned on that this is never going to change and now you have the ick - ("He made some attempt in recent times to get cosy and close but I stopped it all in its tracks because I think it's just so awkward now after so long.").

So no, I don't think there's any 'coming back' from this. And 'this' is not death grip, but his sexual selfishness.

Seadad · 29/04/2021 09:33

I don't think 'death grip' is a thing - at least not in the least a physical thing. What's going on for him is far more likely to be in his head and his response to arousal.
Right now it's easier than ever to get online therapy which you could explore with him as a way of improving your sex life together. But that won't solve the issues of resentment or underlying desire to not be in the relationship at all. You need to decide how much difference it would make if you both had a more fulfilled sex life.

pog100 · 29/04/2021 09:57

Look he doesn't give a shiny shit about you or your pleasure. You don't live together and don't have kids together. I fail to see the problem, just split up.

RantyAnty · 29/04/2021 10:04

Gather up your courage and tell him it's over.
People here can help figure out what to say, if needed.
I don't know what you want in a relationship, but you know this isn't it.

BraveGoldie · 29/04/2021 11:49

@Washingtofold I didn't question whether death grip exists, I simply said I hadn't encountered the phrase before.

The OP didn't mention porn or wanking in her OP and he is trying to initiate sex, so the diagnosis seems unclear at best. My point is that a man not coming inside the woman's body doesn't lead automatically to this kind of dire sex life... we have no indication what is causing the problem - from wanking, to pure laziness, selfishness, low sex drive or simple sexual incompatibility..... as they have never had a good sex life, and we don't have any information on how he would be with someone else....

And in terms of responsibility, he seems happy enough for whatever reason.... the OP is responsible for making choices based on that.... try to fix with him, or go find a sex life elsewhere that will give her the joy she deserves...

dotdashdashdash · 29/04/2021 11:55

I don't think 'death grip' is a thing - at least not in the least a physical thing.

You don't think that frequent masturbation with a strong grip and in the absence of regular vaginal stimulation might cause some sensitisation issues?

Alcemeg · 29/04/2021 12:16

@dotdashdashdash

I don't think 'death grip' is a thing - at least not in the least a physical thing.

You don't think that frequent masturbation with a strong grip and in the absence of regular vaginal stimulation might cause some sensitisation issues?

I agree that OP should leave and have some fun in life.

However, I do feel a bit sceptical of the death grip. Isn't it a bit like saying vaginas must lose sensation from inserting tampons/having sex/having babies/whatever?

I mean, it's not as though nerve endings are destroyed.

jamaisjedors · 29/04/2021 12:28

I agree with @BraveGoldie, 2 seperate issues.

The lack of effort and sex life at this stage probably means the end of your relationship if you are not compatible on that point.

It is possible for example, as @Bravegoldie says, to have a great sexlife with someone who can't "finish" from penetrative sex - i personally can't and my partner struggles because of medication... But yesterday i came 5 times and he came twice in one afternoon... (possible boasting on my part but this is all new to me Grin and rather wonderful).

Think you know what you have to do @GreenFairyHouse, sorry Sad.

Seadad · 29/04/2021 13:56

@dotdashdashdash "You don't think that frequent masturbation with a strong grip and in the absence of regular vaginal stimulation might cause some sensitisation issues?"
No - I've never heard of this in any male forum ever. Not have a read about it anywhere serious.

Nor does it seem remotely likely that an organ as sensitive would have to require 'firm grip' . It may be that only self stimulation works - but- as for women - this is unlikely to have any physical cause.