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Original poster

Death grip in a relationship

93 replies

GreenFairyHouse · 27/04/2021 14:28

Has anyone here experienced deathgrip in a relationship and can you come back from it?

I met my partner a number of years ago and the relationship I have with him is like no other. We got on so well and we experienced so much together.

There was one issue - the bedroom.

The bedroom antics was never fulfilling for me. I'm not a horny, raged lunatic by any means. In the early days we had sex when we could and that was about once every 2 or 3 weeks. When we did have sex it was never all that great. He always maintained the same position, flat on his back and he was never able to go the full way in me. He always finished off with his hand.

I've now come to realise that he has a death grip.

When I tried to talk to him, he said that he is happy with the way things are and he doesn't see a problem. I say we had sex about 3 times in 2019 and once last year.

We don't have a sex life anymore. I really don't see it resuming. He tried to get close recently a few times but I don't know what to do any more. It's just awkward after so long without and I'm not happy and comfortable any more. The spark and chemistry is completely gone now.

We get on well together but I feel we are more friends than anything else. I really can't see how we can come back from a place of no sex.

Lately over the past month or so, I was having some dreams in my sleep where I can feel myself aroused and I wake up aroused. Nothing to do with my partner or any other person. I don't know what the dreams were about.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenFairyHouse · 27/04/2021 14:32

We don't have small children by the way and no babies so there's no stress there.

I thought about booking a night away but I am getting cold feet about the idea now because it's been so long.

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 27/04/2021 14:34

Sorry if I sound really really naive... but is that when they wank too much and (naturally) a vagina doesn’t have the same ‘grip’ as his hand?

If that is the case, he has a pretty bad addiction in regards to masturbation! I know my DH masturbates and I’ve had 3 children so I’m definitely not ‘tight’ down there but we don’t have these problems. I’d say it’s because he’s so used to finishing himself off that he could be in bed with Beyoncé and he’d still struggle!!

Original poster
GreenFairyHouse · 27/04/2021 14:55

That is exactly what death grip is. I think it's more to do with years of wanking too hard than anything else and the real deal isn't as strong as their hand or grip.

OP posts:
whiskersonkittenss · 27/04/2021 14:56

Yes. My ex boyfriend had this. Turns out he had a porn addiction.

whiskersonkittenss · 27/04/2021 14:56

It didn't get any better for us because he was selfish and then had affairs (online and irl).

Original poster
GreenFairyHouse · 27/04/2021 16:13

I forgot to add a few more other things.

We are both late 30s. I think I am too young to go into a life of sexlessness. If there was some health condition either one of us had that prevented sex, I could understand that and take it reasonably well but our sexless relationship has occurred because of a death grip.

I'm now in a position where I can't see this coming back. He made some attempt in recent times to get cosy and close but I stopped it all in its tracks because I think it's just so awkward now after so long. I think he could be happy without sex and just being cosy cuddling but I'm not happy with that.

OP posts:
YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 27/04/2021 16:17

@GreenFairyHouse

I forgot to add a few more other things.

We are both late 30s. I think I am too young to go into a life of sexlessness. If there was some health condition either one of us had that prevented sex, I could understand that and take it reasonably well but our sexless relationship has occurred because of a death grip.

I'm now in a position where I can't see this coming back. He made some attempt in recent times to get cosy and close but I stopped it all in its tracks because I think it's just so awkward now after so long. I think he could be happy without sex and just being cosy cuddling but I'm not happy with that.

You definitely deserve a healthy sex life and the fact he’s let his porn/wanking addiction get so out of hand (excuse the pun) just shows he’s very selfish.

Yes this would a dealbreaker for me!

JustAnotherOldMan · 27/04/2021 16:19

Do you currently live together or just meet up every few weeks?

Original poster
GreenFairyHouse · 27/04/2021 16:29

The lockdown wasn't very good on us. We don't live together so the lockdown never helped. However the lack of sex appeared before lockdown. I think he's happy with the lockdown because it doesn't force the issue and it conceals it for a little bit more. It conceals it for him. I know there is a death grip problem though.

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 27/04/2021 16:40

If you’re not living together and only had sex 4 times in about 2.5 years, I’d give it up as bad job, from personal experience, once the sex stops it’s hard (no pun) to restart it.

However you do mention that he tried to get close and you knocked it on the head, that action will probably prevent him from trying again as he may think your not interested

Anyhow, probably best to find someone else.

Original poster
GreenFairyHouse · 27/04/2021 16:57

Me knocking his attempt of getting close didn't start us on the sexless path. I was usually up for it at the start and throughout until recently. I just find it awkward now at this stage because it's been so long.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 27/04/2021 17:06

Has he actually said that he masturbates a lot, or is this just your assumption? Not being able to finish through PIV isn’t actually as uncommon for men as it’s assumed. Equally, plenty of women don’t get off through PIV alone and need oral sex or toys/vibrators to help them along the way - but that doesn’t seem to attract a diagnosis of “vibrator clit” or whatever.

It sounds like a wholly unsatisfactory sex life, but moreover it just sounds like he doesn’t have a particularly high sex drive, has a bit of erectile dysfunction, and therefore sex isn’t enough of a priority to him that he can be bothered to look for ways of solving the issue. It doesn’t have to be this difficult, it’s time to accept you aren’t sexually compatible and call it a day.

Roberta268 · 27/04/2021 17:09

My answers are: yes, I have experienced it; and no, we couldn’t get over it. Despite being in his mid twenties, he was effectively impotent and never wanted sex with me. He didn’t see it as a problem!

cheezy · 27/04/2021 17:12

Read up on the so-called ‘no fap’ movement. It’s said to cure death grip. (It basically means going cold turkey on masturbation and especially masturbation to porn)

Sunnyday321 · 27/04/2021 17:16

If he is always on his back , is it you that is always doing the work ( as it were ? ) Is he passive all the time , as in lay back and think of England ?
If so , and it was me I couldn't put up with that and the lack of regularity and I am years older than you.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 27/04/2021 17:17

You don't live together and you haven't had sex in ages, so your relationship has gone backwards to just friendship it seems.

Keep him in your life as a friend and find a new romantic partner (obviously explain to him first that's what you're going to do).

You won't have lots anything and potentially have lots to gain.

Original poster
GreenFairyHouse · 27/04/2021 17:34

I read about nofap. Thing is, he doesn't see a problem and he is happy with the way things are so in his mind he has no reasons to change things.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/04/2021 17:37

Has he told you that's why he has a problem? He's the only person who can resolve it and he doesn't seem to want to, so I think you haven't really got a romantic relationship any more.

Original poster
GreenFairyHouse · 27/04/2021 17:39

Sunnydays,

Anytime we do attempt to have sex, it's always him on his back and me on top. There was no change to that position ever.

To be honest I hate it. I had a dream the other night where I became aroused. I think I was dreamy of anal sex. To be honest, I miss the spice in my life.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/04/2021 17:42

What would your life be like without him in it?

What would he say his life would be like without you in it? More time for wanking, probably

me4real · 27/04/2021 18:09

@GreenFairyHouse I don't think the dreams are a mystery at all. They just show you're horny and frustrated. Grin

The sex sounds grim and awful. Boring and uninspiring that he doesn't make any effort to go on top or anything sometimes. And maybe some men find it hard to climax through PIV. But them chugging away woud still be unattractive to see.

Original poster
GreenFairyHouse · 27/04/2021 18:40

Hollow Talk

I think my life would be easier without him. My job can be a nightmare at times and sometimes it can be intense. Sometimes the only bonus I get is a big fat headache. Sometimes I find it impossible to grab even 5 minutes for myself.

OP posts:
Humpthree · 27/04/2021 18:46

@ComtesseDeSpair You're a man, aren't you.

Singlenotsingle · 27/04/2021 18:51

Why haven't you given up and dumped him?

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/04/2021 19:32

[quote Humpthree]@ComtesseDeSpair You're a man, aren't you.[/quote]
I doubt I’d have chosen this username if I were.