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Original poster

Death grip in a relationship

93 replies

GreenFairyHouse · 27/04/2021 14:28

Has anyone here experienced deathgrip in a relationship and can you come back from it?

I met my partner a number of years ago and the relationship I have with him is like no other. We got on so well and we experienced so much together.

There was one issue - the bedroom.

The bedroom antics was never fulfilling for me. I'm not a horny, raged lunatic by any means. In the early days we had sex when we could and that was about once every 2 or 3 weeks. When we did have sex it was never all that great. He always maintained the same position, flat on his back and he was never able to go the full way in me. He always finished off with his hand.

I've now come to realise that he has a death grip.

When I tried to talk to him, he said that he is happy with the way things are and he doesn't see a problem. I say we had sex about 3 times in 2019 and once last year.

We don't have a sex life anymore. I really don't see it resuming. He tried to get close recently a few times but I don't know what to do any more. It's just awkward after so long without and I'm not happy and comfortable any more. The spark and chemistry is completely gone now.

We get on well together but I feel we are more friends than anything else. I really can't see how we can come back from a place of no sex.

Lately over the past month or so, I was having some dreams in my sleep where I can feel myself aroused and I wake up aroused. Nothing to do with my partner or any other person. I don't know what the dreams were about.

OP posts:
notagainmummy · 27/04/2021 19:36

A weekend away is just a sticking plaster and won't improve this situation. You are flogging a dead horse OP. After all this time and such a disappointment in the bed department, you need to just move on and give up. If he wanted a normal sex life he would have tried to improve the situation sooner.

Anonanonon · 27/04/2021 22:21

Anytime we do attempt to have sex, it's always him on his back and me on top. There was no change to that position ever.

That's not going to help things at all. Male arousal, as we're no doubt all aware, is facilitated by blood flowing to the appropriate... er... apparatus. Now obviously most men don't instantly go flaccid when their partners offer to go on top - however the blood does have harder work getting to (and staying) where it needs to go than in other positions.

To be honest, if he's so fussy in his choice of positions I'd say the problem is larger than simple death-grip. He doesn't sound interest in sex full stop.

Honeyroar · 27/04/2021 22:26

Your sex life is dead, you don’t live together and you think your life would be easier without him.... You know the answer.

Closetbeanmuncher · 27/04/2021 23:11

Thing is, he doesn't see a problem and he is happy with the way things are so in his mind he has no reasons to change things

This is exactly why you need to end it.

Saltyslug · 27/04/2021 23:23

Tell him you’d like to work on your sex lifetogether and go see a sex therapist together

Guavafish · 28/04/2021 00:30

He has a porn addiction or fetish ... either way you won’t be able to change the death grip

Anordinarymum · 28/04/2021 00:33

He lays on his back and lets you service him. What a weirdo. I would kick him to the kerb. Life has to be better than this surely ?

JustAnotherOldMan · 28/04/2021 07:24

@Anonanonon

Anytime we do attempt to have sex, it's always him on his back and me on top. There was no change to that position ever.

That's not going to help things at all. Male arousal, as we're no doubt all aware, is facilitated by blood flowing to the appropriate... er... apparatus. Now obviously most men don't instantly go flaccid when their partners offer to go on top - however the blood does have harder work getting to (and staying) where it needs to go than in other positions.

To be honest, if he's so fussy in his choice of positions I'd say the problem is larger than simple death-grip. He doesn't sound interest in sex full stop.

That’s not really true, once a man has an erection muscles surrounding the blood vessels in the penis close, keeping the penis full of blood, the blood doesn’t just flow out again if he lies on his back.

my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/10036-erection-ejaculation-how-it-occurs

JustAnotherOldMan · 28/04/2021 08:59

@Anordinarymum

He lays on his back and lets you service him. What a weirdo. I would kick him to the kerb. Life has to be better than this surely ?
@Anordinarymum That’s quite an interesting comment, as a man I’ve had female partners who would just lie on backs during sex but I never thought of them as weirdo’s, I just assumed I was the problem (e.g. they didn’t really like me much) And they soon got kicked to the kerb as well.
Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 09:13

Well if he doesn’t see a problem with you being unhappy and his sleazy porn habit causing PIED (Porn induced erectile dysfunction ) I would be telling him to get the hell out and not to let the door hit him on the way out
Fuck dealing with that when there are decent men out there

vimtosogood · 28/04/2021 09:18

How do you know it has anything to do with porn use? He might just have a low sex drive. Unfortunately some people do and they hide it until after they are married. Angry

Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 09:19

@JustAnotherOldMan
And how many partners have you had who have made themselves incapable of having mutually satisfying sex due to excessive masterbating to other men ???

Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 09:22

@vimtosogood

How do you know it has anything to do with porn use? He might just have a low sex drive. Unfortunately some people do and they hide it until after they are married. Angry
I’m not sure if your question is for me or the IP but the death grip is a term for men who are used to masterbating to much , almost always with pirn . She also mentions nodal site which is a site that encourages the giving up of excessive porn use and wanking The OP will be able to clarify whether her partner is in this situation due to porn . I certainly know my ex was and several friends have experienced the same with men who become obsessed with porn
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 28/04/2021 09:24

It's more than death grip isn't it? Not having sex often to start with, not getting properly hard, no creativity and variety - he's not really into sex is he?
Are you ready to have a sexless life forever?

Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 09:24

Sorry not nodal - the nofap site

Alcemeg · 28/04/2021 09:25

I think you already know your answer, @GreenFairyHouse!

You're not compatible sexually. Which would be fine if it didn't bother you, but it does.

His issue might not be Death Grip necessarily. Some men have very low sex drives.

Call it quits, just be friends. Then go and have some fun! You know you want to. 😋

TracyHorrobin · 28/04/2021 09:25

If he doesn't think there is a problem you are on a hiding to nothing here. I think you are too young to stay in this relationship. I think he is selfish to not realise that you are unsatisfied and unhappy

Dery · 28/04/2021 09:27

“You're not compatible sexually. Which would be fine if it didn't bother you, but it does.

His issue might not be Death Grip necessarily. Some men have very low sex drives.

Call it quits, just be friends. Then go and have some fun!”

This with bells on.

Washingtofold · 28/04/2021 09:29

Another who agrees - go have some fun

JackieTheFart · 28/04/2021 09:36

Really, you’re just friends that sleep in the same bed. As much as you like him, the sex life has never been nice fulfilling.

You owe it to yourself to break up and find someone who does want to have sex with you. You’re too young to not do that. Don’t stay with a man because it might hurt his feelings.

Mehoooole · 28/04/2021 09:36

I have never heard of this. It wouldn't be the type of relationship I would be interested in. If you don't live together and you don't have sex you are just friends. You should move on and have the sexual relationship you want. Presumably if he stopped what he is doing he would appreciate sex again so he isn't even making an effort. I don't think you should waste another day.

JustAnotherOldMan · 28/04/2021 09:59

@Washingtofold.
None,
but I have had female partners who were seemly incapable of having mutually satisfying sex life, I used to think that was my fault, maybe it was , but maybe it wasn’t, but I did used to feel guilty about ending those relationships ( 1 in particular), but after reading some of comments on this thread, I don’t feel so guilty now.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 28/04/2021 10:01

@Sunnyday321

If he is always on his back , is it you that is always doing the work ( as it were ? ) Is he passive all the time , as in lay back and think of England ? If so , and it was me I couldn't put up with that and the lack of regularity and I am years older than you.
This.
toocold54 · 28/04/2021 10:01

There was no change to that position ever.

I couldn’t cope with someone who doesn’t like changing positions. I think that’s quite odd behaviour and I would end up getting bored very quickly!
Do you think he likes sex? Or does he do it just because he thinks he should?

toocold54 · 28/04/2021 10:09

That’s quite an interesting comment, as a man I’ve had female partners who would just lie on backs during sex but I never thought of them as weirdo’s, I just assumed I was the problem (e.g. they didn’t really like me much)

You’re not the problem i think some people are just lazy.