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Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 10:48

@littlepattilou

Sorry to go off topic slightly, what is an SO? I have seen this quite a bit on here this week, 'my SO,' and 'my ex-SO...' What's a SO?

Thanks Smile

it's 'serious other' - basically a bit more than a boyfriend I think in MN terms...!
OP posts:
Imissmoominmama · 28/04/2021 10:53

I had a letter once from the new fiancée of an ex who was very controlling, asking me to ring her. The issues she was having were exactly the same as the ones I had experienced with him, but she was worried that something in her was making him behave that way. I put her straight, and was glad to; if we’d have stayed together, I’d probably not be here now, such was his affect on my MH.

Every time I see a post like this, I wonder if it’s about him...

Sparklfairy · 28/04/2021 10:57

You are kind OP. It sounds like she's struggling. I have an EA ex who I know is with someone else now. He seems to have love bombed her and it's moving very quickly. She seems really sweet and has a young child so I'm worried for the inevitable time when his masks slips and he becomes jealous and controlling like he did with me. I like to think that if she reached out to me for help I would help her, but it's a really awkward position to be put in.

billybagpuss · 28/04/2021 10:58

Well done OP I think you’ve done the right thing.

Justilou1 · 28/04/2021 10:59

I feel sorry for her. I suspect the friends are all tight and keep his secrets because they know what he’s like and think that she does too. They suspect that she’s been tolerating a serial cheater. Poor woman. You did a really brave/kind thing.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 11:01

@Imissmoominmama

I had a letter once from the new fiancée of an ex who was very controlling, asking me to ring her. The issues she was having were exactly the same as the ones I had experienced with him, but she was worried that something in her was making him behave that way. I put her straight, and was glad to; if we’d have stayed together, I’d probably not be here now, such was his affect on my MH.

Every time I see a post like this, I wonder if it’s about him...

Oh no - sorry to hear this!

I had no idea how to deal with a controlling, jealous SO when I dated this man and as I'm fairly confident and assertive thought I could handle him. I recall telling my best friend at the time I dated him that he was jealous etc and she warned me off him, he said stuff to me re that like "I'm only jealous etc because I love you and care about you" which of course naive me believed. Funnily enough when they met they didn't get on. Hmm

When I met him it was because my other best friend at the time was dating his best friend and his best friend wanted him to settle down and thought I'd be good for him. We first met in a bar (with a load of others), went onto a club in Leicester Square (Home) and then we met up a couple of weeks later at another Soho bar where again I wasn't interested in him! But somehow we ended up speaking and going home together - didn't do anything but ended up dating after that.

Nowadays if I met someone like him I'd ditch straightaway but as I said we were both young and felt we should 'settle down'. how ironic that sounds now!

OP posts:
Bluedeblue · 28/04/2021 11:02

I wouldn't be meeting for coffee. I'd draw a line under it now.

mmollymeekinss · 28/04/2021 11:04

OP you're so lovely! I really think his current wife is genuine and just needs reassurance/guidance it doesn't seem dodgy at all.

I hope I never have to deal with this in my life but if I did I hope the person on the other end is like you.

I have been contacted by my ex's current wife as she was at the end of her wits. She needed to know a few things I was super neutral and honest and she was very grateful we never spoke again after and I'm sure she made the right decisions in the end.

Majority of people do not want drama!

Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 11:07

@Sparklfairy

You are kind OP. It sounds like she's struggling. I have an EA ex who I know is with someone else now. He seems to have love bombed her and it's moving very quickly. She seems really sweet and has a young child so I'm worried for the inevitable time when his masks slips and he becomes jealous and controlling like he did with me. I like to think that if she reached out to me for help I would help her, but it's a really awkward position to be put in.
I forgot - he did love bomb me but I knew nothing about this - and of course MN wasn't around at the time!

After 3 months he told me he loved me, lavish presents (Tiffany earrings, gold and silver at Christmas) which was only 4-5 months after we met. Of course I was impressed and pleased but it was really moving way too fast and not on the scale of previous relationships.

We went to Prague not long after we first met too but to a 5 star hotel which he was really proud of booking - had a lovely time there, all paid for by him.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 11:08

@Bluedeblue

I wouldn't be meeting for coffee. I'd draw a line under it now.
yeah I think you're right. I really think this convo was enough for me and her.
OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 28/04/2021 11:09

No way would I want to get involved in the marriage of an ex I haven't had contact with for 20 years ago to talk about his current relationship.

You no longer know him, and you don't know her. Don't play amateur counsellor, you have no idea what damage you could do. Can't believe you are even considering meeting this woman.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 11:10

@mmollymeekinss

OP you're so lovely! I really think his current wife is genuine and just needs reassurance/guidance it doesn't seem dodgy at all.

I hope I never have to deal with this in my life but if I did I hope the person on the other end is like you.

I have been contacted by my ex's current wife as she was at the end of her wits. She needed to know a few things I was super neutral and honest and she was very grateful we never spoke again after and I'm sure she made the right decisions in the end.

Majority of people do not want drama!

For me - I'm just pleased I can help her out.

I don't wish to stir drama in their lives - far from it. I've worked as a Legal Sec in solicitors firms where there are divorce and family cases and they can be upsetting and drama ridden to work on so you have to disengage from them which can be harder than it sounds.

I just hope she makes the right decisions going forward but I'd like to think this is the end of my involvement with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 11:14

@WeAllHaveWings

No way would I want to get involved in the marriage of an ex I haven't had contact with for 20 years ago to talk about his current relationship.

You no longer know him, and you don't know her. Don't play amateur counsellor, you have no idea what damage you could do. Can't believe you are even considering meeting this woman.

This woman reached out to me - it seems like his behaviour hasn't changed much from when I knew him. No harm in me stating facts and I didn't go into lots of detail, I actually let her talk.

I'm not playing amateur counsellor - I'm just helping out someone who's reached out to me. I like to think if the shoe were on the other foot I could be helped in this way but agree good to draw boundaries.

I am now not going to meet her - she wanted to do this and suggested this.

OP posts:
BlackCatShadow · 28/04/2021 11:15

Thanks for updating. I think you helped her a lot, but you definitely don't want to get sucked into her drama by meeting up or talking more.

tenlittlecygnets · 28/04/2021 11:18

It was kind of you to speak to her, but I'd butt out here and not meet her for a coffee. She needs to decide what to do with her life, and worry about herself and her dc. You're not really relevant to her any more, in the kindest possible way. I'd be concerned that she accidentally tells her h about seeing you and he started to contact you again...

Sparklfairy · 28/04/2021 11:18

@CleverCatty I'm not sure what good meeting up would do, especially when you really really don't want him to find out and kick off. If you detach yourself now you'll probably get away with it. If she starts to see you as a form of support and understanding longish term it could mean trouble for you with the ex.

That said, I would feel so conflicted just leaving her to it, knowing wha he's like!

The love bombing is awful isn't it. He truly had me believing we were something special. Now he's doing the same to his new gf, and it's worse for her as there's a young kid involved.

menopause59 · 28/04/2021 11:20

For someone that started off saying they didn't want to get involved. You seem to of got very heavily involved very quickly

Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 11:23

@menopause59

For someone that started off saying they didn't want to get involved. You seem to of got very heavily involved very quickly
I seem to have been involved - heavily with her from when she messaged me yday. I actually thought long and hard about this last night if I actually wished to block her or ignore her but decided if I rang her this would be the right and kind thing to do.

I didn't wish to ring her but decided to do this so I could park the situation afterwards and leave her to get on with it.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/04/2021 11:25

@Bluedeblue

I wouldn't be meeting for coffee. I'd draw a line under it now.
Good grief. This, 100%!

Having read your update this woman has problems and doesn't seem to know what a boundary looks like. Does messaging a stranger out of the blue 20 YEARS after she dated her partner, then dumping on her for an hour, sound like normal behaviour to you?

To blazes with the #BeKind noise. You don't have to be. And it isn't the end of the world if you're not. You've already been far more kind than I would have been in the same situation.

A friend taking liberties like this is one thing: this I'd accept, because that's what friends are for. In these circumstances? Not a snowball's chance in hell.

Impossible to say what her motivations are, but it sounds to me she has the kind of issues you don't need. I'd be drawing a hard line in the sand on this one as of now.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 11:26

[quote Sparklfairy]@CleverCatty I'm not sure what good meeting up would do, especially when you really really don't want him to find out and kick off. If you detach yourself now you'll probably get away with it. If she starts to see you as a form of support and understanding longish term it could mean trouble for you with the ex.

That said, I would feel so conflicted just leaving her to it, knowing wha he's like!

The love bombing is awful isn't it. He truly had me believing we were something special. Now he's doing the same to his new gf, and it's worse for her as there's a young kid involved.[/quote]
Trust me - I really really don't wish to meet up or really speak to her anymore.

Hopefully she won't contact me again but I'm keeping her unblocked on FB Messenger and Linkedin for now but will block if I need to.

I do feel slightly conflicted for her, knowing what he's like but I feel she's got family and friends to support her so I'm now going to duck out of this.

Thanks to all who responded.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 11:29

MarielVanArkelStinks

I think, to be fair to this woman, she's just doing ground work to find out about him and what he's like and his exes (seeing as though he doesn't have many) and I was a natural choice as I snooped on her FB!

Totally agree with friends doing this and what she's doing isn't great - but it sounds like his friends and their wives are keeping secrets from each other about all their behaviour including her DH's, so that's why she's turned to me.

But I'm now backing out of this convo with her and will block further messages. She needs to deal with this herself. I think she got the answers she needed when she spoke to me this morning.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 28/04/2021 11:31

@CleverCatty I think what you've done is kind and fair and sensible. Flowers

alphajuliet123 · 28/04/2021 11:34

You’ve done the right thing, OP, and thank you for updating us nosey lot!

I’d be wary of meeting her as I wouldn’t want the ex to find out - it could cause more problems for his wife. I’m sure she’ll message again if she needs to but it sounds like you’ve given her the info she was after.

ChairmansReserve · 28/04/2021 11:41

I hope this isn't real, because if it is you are absolutely insane to be doing this.

gannett · 28/04/2021 11:43

OP you did the right and kind thing by speaking to her. That was a conversation that might have helped her a huge, huge amount.

I find all the posters who say they'd turn their back on a situation like this to be callous, frankly.

Women have a responsibility to each other. So many of us know how hard it is to be in an abusive relationship, without anyone to immediately turn to, doubting oneself about what's actually happening. So many posters in this thread have been helped by reaching out to an ex, or been the ones providing support.

While we should think about our mental health and physical safety first - I'm not suggesting anyone retraumatise themselves or open themselves up to danger - if it's just a case of being inconvenienced or not being bothered, why wouldn't you lend an ear and possibly a hand to a woman reaching out? It's not about involving oneself in drama, it's about supporting someone who may need it.

This woman has explained why she reached out to the OP specifically, and sadly her situation isn't uncommon.

It's definitely fair to set boundaries so you don't get completely enmeshed though. OP, what did she think she could gain by meeting IRL? Does she have more questions or does she now see you as emotional support? It sounds like you had a pretty detailed conversation. I think I'd keep communication lines open but not meet up unless there's a specific need or purpose.