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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
littlepattilou · 28/04/2021 15:32

@BlueVelvetStars

is it not 'significant other' 🤔
Same difference I guess. Grin
starfishmummy · 28/04/2021 15:39

*So I suppose we'll meet up.

I don't really want to get too involved in their lives or they in mine*

So don't meet up then. You have a choice here!!

AlanSinclair · 28/04/2021 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Notaroadrunner · 28/04/2021 16:03

@AlanSinclair

Definitely safest to ignore this, I think! Maybe she clicked on your profile by accident, was worried she could get found out, then panicked and sent you a message to try and cover it up (and failed!)

Chalk it up to one of the day's weird occurrences and move on, I say! I don't think any good can come from engaging with her, honestly!

Too late!
Sargass0 · 28/04/2021 16:58

I really don't want him ringing me up shouting at me which I fear he may do if I speak to her

I'd like to know how he would know your number unless its the same one from 20 years ago

godmum56 · 28/04/2021 17:29

ignore and block

LittleMissMe99 · 28/04/2021 17:34

I'd think about whether you would be concerned for her and children. If even a little, then reply. If not then I wouldn't reply. I don't think him cheating on you 20 years ago is relevant at all. But what if her question is about something else? What if it's about his possessiveness?

Remainanonymous2 · 28/04/2021 17:35

Sorry but no....just no...ignore...

Integrity7 · 28/04/2021 17:36

Reply, just say Hi, yes we did x years ago when we were young. Why do you ask? And then you will know.

Integrity7 · 28/04/2021 17:36

she may have something going on that she is reaching out about

susiewoozy · 28/04/2021 17:48

There's no question but I'm thinking there will be..I think she's checking that u were in fact his ex..however if u are to answer I would start with "hi..sorry who am I chatting to" or "who is this" but I would ignore it..it sounds like it's leading somewhere..somewhere u don't need to go..always be suspicious..and careful..u have a relationship that's possibly going somewhere..dont do anything to jeopardise it..

MrsPumpkinPie · 28/04/2021 17:53

What’s an SO?

BlueVelvetStars · 28/04/2021 17:59

Significant Other 🤣😂

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 28/04/2021 18:00

I’d just reply say ‘Yes, I am’ and see what she has to say

Bestlife18 · 28/04/2021 18:01

Normally I would say don’t get drawn in but - had someone told me all about m ex, it would have saved me a lot of heartache and time wasted. I only found out on the day I moved out that the real reason his marriage ended was because he had cheated with his ex wife’s best friend/bridesmaid at wedding. I also found out he had been a serial womaniser and targeted professional women! I would have really appreciated this information right at the start before getting sucked into his BS for 2 years! I would not disclose anything personal like where you live, contact details, kids schools etc, just give topline answers and once you have done that, block and move on. She might be going through hell and you might be the person who can put a piece of the jigsaw together for her

nicegirl73 · 28/04/2021 18:01

I would stay clear. I have a friend who jealously messages her BF’s exs when drunk and that drama I wouldn’t want any part of

Bertiebiscuit · 28/04/2021 18:06

Block and forget

Butwasitherdriveway · 28/04/2021 18:08

@nicegirl73

I would stay clear. I have a friend who jealously messages her BF’s exs when drunk and that drama I wouldn’t want any part of
Bloody hell
thenewduchessofhastings · 28/04/2021 18:13

Thé first message she sent you signify's she's hoping to open up a dialogue.

Then there's the questions she wants to ask.

Followed by your update about him being abusive.

Men like him don't change,they get worse.I've a feeling he's been abusing her.If she is planning on contacting the police she might be reaching out to you to see if she can prove a pattern of behaviour.

There was a mum who posted on here a few months back who was escaping her abusive husband and his siblings knew he abused the girlfriend he was with prior to her.

Imnothereforthedrama · 28/04/2021 18:41

If it was me I’d ignore it was 20 years ago .
God I’m definitely not the same person 20 years ago nor is my dh so anything you say how he was then is irrelevant. I’d really stay well out of it , I think it odd any way but from that long ago most definitely. You can’t be the only ex girlfriend so it’s just strange.

sue69m · 28/04/2021 18:51

Hi,
Message back telling her no and then block her on both platforms

BobbidyBob · 28/04/2021 18:55

If this is real, you’ve given so many ridiculously outing details on this thread that it’s laughable you told her that the information you gave her was “in confidence”. Even if you’ve changed some details, unless you’ve completely re written the story she will 100% recognise you and your ex could do, too.

YouJustFoldItIn · 28/04/2021 19:00

I would stay clear. I have a friend who jealously messages her BF’s exs when drunk and that drama I wouldn’t want any part of

Wow. Messaging your ex's new GF is one thing. Messaging your BF's ex GFs is another level of bunny boiler altogether.

toiletbrushholder · 28/04/2021 19:11

Help her out, no such thing as 'a bit abusive' , he'll be doing the same to her, do the decent thing.

Pinkandwrinkly · 28/04/2021 19:18

Walk away. You don't really know her, you could be unwittingly involved in a situation which is nothing to do with you and could backfire on you.
Walk away.