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Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
Miasicarisatia · 28/04/2021 11:58

@Imissmoominmama

I had a letter once from the new fiancée of an ex who was very controlling, asking me to ring her. The issues she was having were exactly the same as the ones I had experienced with him, but she was worried that something in her was making him behave that way. I put her straight, and was glad to; if we’d have stayed together, I’d probably not be here now, such was his affect on my MH.

Every time I see a post like this, I wonder if it’s about him...

If this sort of thing happen more often abusers would find it much harder to get any purchase
Swordfish1 · 28/04/2021 11:58

@gannett

OP you did the right and kind thing by speaking to her. That was a conversation that might have helped her a huge, huge amount.

I find all the posters who say they'd turn their back on a situation like this to be callous, frankly.

Women have a responsibility to each other. So many of us know how hard it is to be in an abusive relationship, without anyone to immediately turn to, doubting oneself about what's actually happening. So many posters in this thread have been helped by reaching out to an ex, or been the ones providing support.

While we should think about our mental health and physical safety first - I'm not suggesting anyone retraumatise themselves or open themselves up to danger - if it's just a case of being inconvenienced or not being bothered, why wouldn't you lend an ear and possibly a hand to a woman reaching out? It's not about involving oneself in drama, it's about supporting someone who may need it.

This woman has explained why she reached out to the OP specifically, and sadly her situation isn't uncommon.

It's definitely fair to set boundaries so you don't get completely enmeshed though. OP, what did she think she could gain by meeting IRL? Does she have more questions or does she now see you as emotional support? It sounds like you had a pretty detailed conversation. I think I'd keep communication lines open but not meet up unless there's a specific need or purpose.

This. I too think you did the right thing. I very much doubt she suddenly decided one day to contact you. She did so because of doubts stretching over a period of time and she needed someone who had possibly been in the same situation with this man to find out if her fears may possibly be founded.

I think you were very kind in doing so. I would hope if myself or a daughter of mine were in the same sort of situation, a stranger would be kind enough to fill in some of the gaps if they were in a position to be able to do so.

saraclara · 28/04/2021 12:04

If you're going to block her, at least send her a final message, or she'll be thinking that she did something wrong or offended you in some way. Just say that you've thought about this, and though you're glad you spoke with her, you've decided that any further involvement would be a bad idea.

Then block her.

Miasicarisatia · 28/04/2021 12:05

his friends and their wives are keeping secrets from each other about all their behaviour including her DH's
This is crucial to the abuser's Modus operandi, the secrecy, the web of people who are all (probably without realising) compromised and will keep their mouths shut
The abuser is like a spider in the centre of this web, they feel the subtle vibrations when someone might be About to betray them and they act to silence

toocold54 · 28/04/2021 12:49

Having read your update this woman has problems and doesn't seem to know what a boundary looks like. Does messaging a stranger out of the blue 20 YEARS after she dated her partner, then dumping on her for an hour, sound like normal behaviour to you?

I agree she seems quite unhinged to think he may be being unfaithful so decided to ask his ex from 20 years ago what she thinks!

I am glad you spoke to her but I’d stay well clear now OP.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/04/2021 12:49

I find all the posters who say they'd turn their back on a situation like this to be callous, frankly.

Women have a responsibility to each other.

No, women do not have a responsibility to other women on no other basis than shared biology. It would sound very strange to make the same assertion about men. I also find it callous that the narrative is constantly pushed at women (again, never men) that they must 'be kind', even when doing so is to their own detriment. It isn't very 'kind' to actively seek out a total stranger and then take the liberty of dumping all your personal problems on them. I'd go further, and suggest that this isn't only an outsize cheek but is concerning, strange behaviour. Seriously, who has the time for that kind of crap?

Whatever happened to being kind to ourselves? But of course, when you're female having boundaries and even saying 'no' is strenuously discouraged, by no one more than certain other women. It's a dangerous message and one that I, for one, am sick of hearing.

We do not exist to be everyone else's support humans.

BlueVelvetStars · 28/04/2021 12:52

oh lord....

gannett · 28/04/2021 13:06

We do not exist to be everyone else's support humans.

In my opinion we all exist to be each other's support humans to whatever extent we can. Ideally it would cross gender lines but we all KNOW the specific disadvantages of being a woman in an abusive relationship in the society we live in.

And if only men were told they had a responsibility to support their peers. Maybe if sharing their problems with each other wasn't seen as so unmanly, we wouldn't encounter so many emotionally messed-up ones.

Notaroadrunner · 28/04/2021 13:07

Don't meet her. Leave it be now. Her insecurities regarding whether or not he is cheating are not your problem.

crackingcrackers · 28/04/2021 13:17

I think you were very kind to have spoken with her. I echo pps saying that if I'm ever in this situation I'd be grateful that it was someone like you at the end of the phone.

It must be messing with her head wondering if he's capable of behaving that way, or whether it's just her. So at least you have given her that relief.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 13:19

@ChairmansReserve

I hope this isn't real, because if it is you are absolutely insane to be doing this.
Report me if you think this isn't real.

How am I insane?

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 28/04/2021 13:20

I think the new wife is pushing boundaries now.

I wouldn't have contacted her at all BUT now you have I would message back that you have no wish to revisit your past, you wish her well but now you are blocking her.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 13:22

@toocold54

Having read your update this woman has problems and doesn't seem to know what a boundary looks like. Does messaging a stranger out of the blue 20 YEARS after she dated her partner, then dumping on her for an hour, sound like normal behaviour to you?

I agree she seems quite unhinged to think he may be being unfaithful so decided to ask his ex from 20 years ago what she thinks!

I am glad you spoke to her but I’d stay well clear now OP.

According to her - she did say to me our mutual friend who she sees around was one reason she decided to message me. She doesn't know the mutual friend apart from to speak to occasionally in the street. She said this mutual friend seems trustworthy and nice compared to some of the other 'friends' and their wives.

Our mutual friend apparently fell out ages ago with some of my ex-SO's friends and their wives - apparently due to an affair that happened and there was some drama over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 13:27

@saraclara

If you're going to block her, at least send her a final message, or she'll be thinking that she did something wrong or offended you in some way. Just say that you've thought about this, and though you're glad you spoke with her, you've decided that any further involvement would be a bad idea.

Then block her.

this is exactly what I'm going to do.

I am also speaking to my mutual friend later on today, to say to her, please don't update me if anything further happens as I'd prefer to keep out of it.

Mutual friend messaged me this morning for an update - I told her what had happened, leaving out gossipy parts. I also mentioned the wife had said they'd met in beauty salon recently and had a chat. Mutual friend said to me she'd be happy - away from me - to meet her for a coffee and just be there for her. I said that sounded like a good idea as long as i wasn't involved. Maybe it would be good for the wife to have an ally in the mutual friend though.

The latter means I stay out of it but means wife still gets support. not that that's my concern really.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 13:34

@gannett

OP you did the right and kind thing by speaking to her. That was a conversation that might have helped her a huge, huge amount.

I find all the posters who say they'd turn their back on a situation like this to be callous, frankly.

Women have a responsibility to each other. So many of us know how hard it is to be in an abusive relationship, without anyone to immediately turn to, doubting oneself about what's actually happening. So many posters in this thread have been helped by reaching out to an ex, or been the ones providing support.

While we should think about our mental health and physical safety first - I'm not suggesting anyone retraumatise themselves or open themselves up to danger - if it's just a case of being inconvenienced or not being bothered, why wouldn't you lend an ear and possibly a hand to a woman reaching out? It's not about involving oneself in drama, it's about supporting someone who may need it.

This woman has explained why she reached out to the OP specifically, and sadly her situation isn't uncommon.

It's definitely fair to set boundaries so you don't get completely enmeshed though. OP, what did she think she could gain by meeting IRL? Does she have more questions or does she now see you as emotional support? It sounds like you had a pretty detailed conversation. I think I'd keep communication lines open but not meet up unless there's a specific need or purpose.

We had a detailed convo but mostly steered by her - she was looking I think for confirmation that she wasn't going mad re what he'd told her so far etc or said/done and it wasn't her mind playing tricks on her. She did want more answers but really I can't help more and don't think it's right to do so.

We also had a brief chat about how and why my relationship with him ended - and she did say to me he'd told her about his dad who'd cheated etc - I didn't say much to this as it's his parents' story, not mine. I did see this verging on emotional support too and especially if we met up which I really was loathe to do.

I did suggest Relate if she felt this would help her marriage but unsure if he'd go.

anyway I hope there's some sort of resolution for them both and they/she can go forward in a positive way - either she acts on her fears for her marriage etc or not.

OP posts:
BlueVelvetStars · 28/04/2021 13:38

I still cannot get over this being from 20 years ago..

honestly 😳

Original poster
CleverCatty · 28/04/2021 13:51

@BlueVelvetStars

I still cannot get over this being from 20 years ago..

honestly 😳

what can't you get over?

the fact that she chose to message me after all that time or the fact I snooped after all that time?

It seems he hasn't changed or not that much, leopards don't change their spots obvs and because we have a mutual friend there's a connection albeit a very loose one, you know, when you see people in the street etc and say hi. No one ever mentions me as far as I know which is good in a way and I suppose sparked the wife's curiosity. I haven't been to where he lives for years though and have no intention of doing so. I highly doubt he would do the same e.g. go to where I lived at the time though have moved since and he doesn't know where.

Anyway back to work now - lost a lot of time this morning!

OP posts:
Ideasplease322 · 28/04/2021 13:51

Op you did a lovely thing speaking to her. Also you are right to limit your involvement for here on in. You have reassured her she isn’t going mad, she can take it from here.

KirstenBlest · 28/04/2021 14:14

@BlueVelvetStars

I still cannot get over this being from 20 years ago..

honestly 😳

I can. I'm sure that XP's ex-girlfriend from about 20 years would have been able to help me work out what happened.
NewlyGranny · 28/04/2021 14:24

Well done, OP, I think you got the balance perfectly right. It would have been callous to ignore a woman who may be - almost certainly is - entangled with an abusive man. Her quiet thoughtfulness suggests you really shone some light into her situation.

I really don't think you need to do any more than you have done now.

As for the poster saying men don't stick up for each other, where have they been? Men are notorious for having each other's backs and covering up for each other at work and in relationships. Old boy networks, freemasons, drinking clubs, every kind of boy gang imaginable! And that's not even counting the 'Not all men', MRAs, MGTOW, F4J brigades. Good grief.

It does sound as if the ex and his family and friends have closed ranks, leaving the poor woman isolated, which is straight from the abuser's handbook, too. They recruit everyone to join in gaslighting the victim, usually by lying about her behaviour, and leave her wondering if she's actually going mad.

Well now she knows and can steer her own path, thanks to OP.

ShagMeRiggins · 28/04/2021 14:37

@Eruss

Not rtft yet but if you were having a nose on her page then you will come up on her suggested friends list.
Is that true? I don’t think FB works that way.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/04/2021 15:03

@CleverCatty - I've read all your posts but not all the responses.
I think you've done the right thing and in the current wife's situation, I'd be grateful to you for responding and answering questions. She's obviously wondering about his behaviour, and whether it's because of something she's doing, or whether he has form - you've given her the info she needed to prove that he has form for this behaviour so now she can make further decisions.

I would imagine that you came up as a suggested friend via links with your mutual friend, your ex and other friends - not necessarily because you'd stalked her on FB.

Glad to see you've decided to step back from this now, and I hope that your mutual friend can make a friend of this woman and help support her through the next phase, however it goes.

littlepattilou · 28/04/2021 15:20

@CleverCatty

it's 'serious other' - basically a bit more than a boyfriend I think in MN terms...!

Thank you! Smile

BlueVelvetStars · 28/04/2021 15:21

is it not 'significant other' 🤔

SunshineCake · 28/04/2021 15:26

@BlueVelvetStars

is it not 'significant other' 🤔
It definitely is significant other, not serious other.
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