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Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
Carriecakes80 · 28/04/2021 19:31

Why should you feel sick unless you have something you aint saying. :-) He's your ex, in your past for a reason, keep him there.
Block her, forget about her. I mean, even if you came right out and said 'Oooh he was a complete tosspot to me in the past!' she isn't going to leave him on your say so. Ignore it all. x

Honeyroar · 28/04/2021 19:42

It was very kind of you to speak with her, but I think you’re right not meeting up with her or having any further contact. You’re a stranger to her, she needs to find support from her own circle now.

TinselTinsel · 28/04/2021 19:48

I has a girlfriend of an ex message me to ask if he'd ever been abusive. He had and although I didn't want to get involved I had to be truthful, I couldn't live with myself if I'd lied. I let her tell me first what he had done to her then confirmed yes he had been abusive and gave her relevant advice if she wanted rid but told her it was her decision. He'd already battered her causing her to miscarry but she stayed with him for over 10 years and went on to have 2 kids with him. Finally came to her senses though thankfully.

jakeyboy1 · 28/04/2021 19:50

I think you've been fair and given her the courtesy but she's the one married to him and who knows what he's really like. You've done your part.

Estheryan07 · 28/04/2021 20:19

I can tell when someone has been mooching through my pics because I get a ‘someone you may know’ notification- (usually an ex’s new SO etc) pmsl she prob got one when you had a little peek and wondered who you were? Or you accidentally friend requested her lol

Passenger42 · 28/04/2021 20:28

Don’t bother getting in touch with her, there will always be that jealousy element as you had a previous relationship with her husband. She will end up siding with him and he won’t thank you for speaking with her.

She might even be getting in touch as he has been winding her up saying how much he has liked you in the past so she is checking up him.

AmazingGrapes · 28/04/2021 20:34

Argh I feel sorry for you but I also feel sorry for his new wife. She’s obviously not ok for some reason... if I could, I think I’d want to help. Ie if I thought I could do so with minimal repercussions in my own life. But it’s totally up to you what you’re comfortable with.

He sounds like a catch Confused

Holyjinglebells · 28/04/2021 20:38

I think she has drunk texted... Ignore

Usernamerequired · 28/04/2021 20:57

I would also reply. Sorry for what you have been through with your ex. Horrible people’s past catches up with them though

MrsLighthouse · 28/04/2021 21:05

If she has reservations about him, she needs to decide what to do. Why get dragged in ....Also would your current husband be comfortable with you getting involved in the past again . NOT worth disrupting your marriage for her drama !

AMillionMilesAway · 28/04/2021 22:18

If I was bored I would reply:
Yes, we did. Yes, I am fine. Thank you for asking.
I'd probably ignore though. Odd thing to do.

bullyingadvice2017 · 28/04/2021 22:27

You only went out with him for a couple of years when you were young. And what you describe is bad enough. He will for sure have been at least as bad with her.

These kind of men don't change generally. I knew little shits of 20 who were abusive to girlfriends. They are now 50 and still not nice.

I would talk to her. It may have taken her years to get the courage together. If he then rang me up shouting etc I would honestly just report him and refuse to engage. Help her. And be thankful you didn't marry him.

Tistheseason17 · 28/04/2021 22:34

I don't think this helped.
She offloaded on you. You then confirmed that 20 yrs ago he cheated on you. If she's using this info to make decisions now, that is odd.

I still think she contacted you as thought her DH was cheating on her with you - his old flame. She'll mention you in conversation and this could blow up.
I'd block and step away from these strangers - after 20 yrs you are strangers.

BlueVelvetStars · 28/04/2021 23:11

I agree... she will name you, there will be no confidentiality.. it might be fine .. it might not.

BanditoShipman · 29/04/2021 00:14

Could posters perhaps read the thread? Or even just the OP’s posts??

Luddite26 · 29/04/2021 05:20

I have just read a news article from Australia where a woman has contacted her chaps ex in the US on FB with similar questions about DV and the poor Australian woman got a DV order on the man but he has broken it and burnt her to death in the backyard.

MiaRoma · 29/04/2021 05:25

Definitely stop now. You've done enough imo

Synthesiser · 29/04/2021 06:53

I had the new partner of an ex phone me once to ask what he was like with me as they were having difficulties. They had a child. I was honest. No contact since but they did split which was the right choice for her as he was a nightmare.

gillhh7722 · 29/04/2021 08:00

I'd have to reply to it being nosy, it does sound like she might have something she wants to ask, just not in the first message to you

morwenna2 · 29/04/2021 09:40

She is anxious about something. It’s doubtful that this is mild social curiosity. She has checked you out on LinkedIn & clearly trusts you. I would want to help or at the very least find out what it is all about. Agree with the poster upthread who said men at 50 are really no different to how they were at 20. You could give her exactly the information she needs.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 29/04/2021 09:50

@Sargass0

I really don't want him ringing me up shouting at me which I fear he may do if I speak to her

I'd like to know how he would know your number unless its the same one from 20 years ago

if she gives me my current mobile number. But that is withheld.

Any other old numbers I had back then I presume are disconnected as I moved...

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 29/04/2021 10:00

@morwenna2

She is anxious about something. It’s doubtful that this is mild social curiosity. She has checked you out on LinkedIn & clearly trusts you. I would want to help or at the very least find out what it is all about. Agree with the poster upthread who said men at 50 are really no different to how they were at 20. You could give her exactly the information she needs.
it's sad if he's still the same man at almost 50 that he was in his 20s - weed smoking, taking coke, drinking loads and not doing much in the way of housework etc.

He lived with his DM at the time and treated her place like a hotel! When we moved in together briefly it was to my place and I knew almost from the start it wouldn't work because I was constantly cooking, cleaning etc after him and he didn't want to do much to help out.

I do have a hilarious photo of when we were on holiday on a Greek island - chalet style place - and no launderette, he'd run out of boxer shorts and forgot to bring 14 for the days we were there, I'd advised him to bring travel hand wash and he's hunched over the sink washing them there - I refused to do it! Grin

The other good thing though - I spoke to my mutual friend and she has agreed to meet up with the wife for coffee but not to bring me into it, she's seen her around where they live in the beauty salon anyway. So that's nice and if he is playing away she can hopefully get support there.

morwenna2 - that's another thing - when we were speaking on the phone (me and the wife) the wife mentioned to me that her DH had told her how nice I was etc (I remember being a bit of a spoiled cow actually but there you go!) and that I had good manners and was from a good family, so on that basis maybe she did feel she could trust me. God only knows what his family were like as I didn't meet them that much, just sometimes and on special occasions.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 29/04/2021 10:03

@Luddite26

I have just read a news article from Australia where a woman has contacted her chaps ex in the US on FB with similar questions about DV and the poor Australian woman got a DV order on the man but he has broken it and burnt her to death in the backyard.
Don't think he would do that. He would never hit a woman he said.

I've seen 'Murdered By My Boyfriend' though and though he was no way like that, he did try to alienate me from people, including my best friend who actually was incidental in us all meeting. He also told me what to wear but more on the scale of 'matching stuff, tops and bottoms' etc.

OP posts:
Madamum18 · 29/04/2021 10:30

For those surprised that the wife made contact after 20 years ...I think this strongly links to trying to work out what is happening to her and check out if it "just her" or a pattern of coercive control and emotional abuse! The wife will be being made to feel it is "her fault" but I suspect is now starting to question that. The unfaithfulness focus to start with will link to the shame of admitting what one is tolerating/suffering/managing/living with as part of the coercive control;. I am sure this wife is starting to try to find a way to reach out, seek help etc. If you speak to her again OP tell her to get counselling help ...or even to talk to domestic abuse group as coercive control is domestic abuse. She needs skilled advice.

chaosmaker · 29/04/2021 10:47

You are brilliant for getting in touch and it might have felt like a lifeline if she is surrounded by secretive people and doubting herself. The solution offered by the mutual friend is a great idea and means you can now out without abandoning her. It was have taken her a lot of courage to reach out to you in the first place. It's also something that has now been dealt with and you aren't worrying over. Flowers