Polly and her Dollies continue to improve in every way

[StuckInPollyannaMode]

Can’t believe it, but here we are on Thread 5!

Thread 4 here

Just back from a 4.5 mile run - bit cold this morning! I’ve sea monkeys growing in the kitchen, soaps hardening in the bathroom, and the carpets are full of glitter. They had a great weekend!

The thumb also seems to be improving. Phew.

All on today to prep for tomorrow’s meeting with Geller. He really does seem broken. But I will not waiver.

Hope everyone had a good weekend and all health ailments are on the mend. Time to slap on some moisturiser - caught the sun this weekend - but look much better for it!

Honestly? Being on Bumble, etc. isn’t necessarily a great idea atm. While it SHOULDN’T matter, I know of women whose DH’s have found their profiles while in divorce situations and it’s all been used as a character assassination. (Basically implying they were acting like horny, single teenagers and neglecting their kids simply for having dating profiles in the first place.)

I have refrained from posting on this subject, But there are 2 good things that have come out of this:
You had mind blowing sex
& it shows you how lacking G was in that respect.

The guy is weird, you have to wonder if he is married... hey ho
Onwards & upwards

I think your friends are into something. Really, you’ve discovered how easy good sex is and how it can happen first time- that sounds important and worth knowing. And you’ve discovered he’s a bit flaky and a very poor communicator, and you’re done with him, also good to know. It was probably worth it?
@Justilou1 is that the thinking re the syphilis outbreak? That people were less careful because they were ‘sneaking out’? I have been wondering! (I’m in melb)

Yeah - lots of illicit sex. Obviously without condoms. It’s global, too.... The syphilis thing is just one of the things that’s recorded.

I agree with the others, that you need to take some time out to work through your divorce, and discover what’s important to you again.

Sadly, it takes 2 to make and 2 to break a marriage. It’s taken me a few years to really understand the part I played in it all. He was abusive, coercive, cruel. The works... but I also had not laid down boundaries, had been (and still am) conflict adverse.

Would you be able to go and see a therapist for a few sessions?

Coming out of a loveless marriage in a pandemic where human touch isn’t permitted either, makes the need for hugs and connection all the stronger. I hear you!

I am now going out with a guy, but I’m doing it for ME and with my eyes wide open.(Well, occasionally I shut them!)

Well, I got some sleep. Emailed a counsellor to book in an appointment - she's the one I saw with Geller when he made that ridiculous suggestion about a ten year arrangement, so at least she will understand partly what I'm going through.

Got dressed this morning in leggings, a sloppy short jumper and a denim skirt. As I was rushing the kids out the door my skirt fell off. The kids said it was fine and I looked ok so I styled it out... only to realise once I'd got to the school gates that they were my thin leggings not my thick ones. So I've basically just flashed everyone

Cried all the way home. How do I deal with this loneliness? I feel like I've suddenly got in touch with my physical side and like I've got all this pent up affection and need for physical contact yet no outlet for it. Hugging the kids doesn't cut it. I'm absolutely not ready for dating or being dicked around again, but how on earth can I manage this?

Been thinking about what my friends said re loneliness in my marriage. They're right. I basically did it all on my own for years. That's far more likely as to why I'm feeling the way I did. Plus, as you say @ByeByeMissAmericanPie, it takes two and I played my own part in enabling the situation and getting into the position I was in.

And you're right, at least I had a good shag out of it. An amazing one, actually. So it does exist.

Well, let’s be honest - if it was just the physical release you were after, you could sort that out yourself with an appliance and your imagination. As that’s not enough for you, I think it’s right to be honest with yourself and admit that you’re after human interaction. Geller was a bloody robot, and lockdown’s been long, damnit! You’re a woman with needs and you’re in the prime of your fucking life! If you think that I have any issue with you admitting that you need to get some, you’re deluded. I think you need to guard your heart and soul without becoming hard and bitter Polly. That is going to be a challenge. Wait for someone to show you how easy it can be - for someone to love YOU. Let them show you how special YOU are. If we can all see it, I think it won’t be long before you have the choice of several.

@timeisnotaline, sorry - more info. Probably best description would also be that a lot of this behaviour and jump in disease transmission to the heterosexual women can probably be explained by habitual cheaters who do so while overseas for work. They play it much safer as they are aware of the higher disease rates, etc. Travel opportunities haven't happened so they have had to sneak out for quickies - and of course we’re not just sticking with the hetero variety. Syphilis is probably the top of the iceberg, but the disease with the most social ick factor.

Had a call from the counsellor just as I picked the kids up - she doesn't have a regular slot in her schedule but if I don't mind being ad hoc she can fit a few sessions in seeing as how I've seen her before.

First one tomorrow! She did ask if I wanted to wait a week but I think we might as well crack on.

I'm drawing up a list of things to talk to her about, and I will be keeping the contents of the sessions (mostly) private, but if there is anything you guys think I really should raise with her, I'd be so grateful if you would let me know.

So far I've got:

Boundaries and how to enforce them
The shitshow that was my marriage
My mother / brother / family dynamics
Why did / do I make such awful decisions and how to break the pattern
How to cope with Geller's constant negativity
Coping with loneliness and being alone
Being needy and how to cope with impulse control
Tools to help me going forward

You've all helped me so much so far, if you would like to add to the list I'd take your suggestions seriously

No time like the present! Good one Polly!!!

That list sounds like enough to be going with, perhaps think about which you feel are most in need of work - or most important to you? Good luck!

When they saw you kneeling
Crying words that you mean
Opening their eyeballs, eyeballs
Pretending that you're Al Green, Al Green

80s

I suspect that you'll find your mother/brother/family dynamics will dovetail nicely with your marriage - often we learn patterns in childhood that set up the future for us.

The negativity and boundaries will also probably tie in together.

You are amazing, Polly, and strong. You've just had a lot to deal with in life. I hope the counsellor helps you to see you.

Oops. Wrong thread. I wondered where it had gone! Sorry Polly

Made me laugh @dexterslockedintheshedagain!

Feeling miles better this morning, hurrah. Perspective and a bit of time. Also, I’m guessing, because I’m taking action by seeing my therapist etc.

I’ve ordered a couple more books people have recommended (very into Vex King at the mo) including the brilliantly titled The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving A Fuck - how to stop spending time you don’t have doing things you don’t want to do with people you don’t like.

I’ve high hopes for that one.

I’ve a new run route planned this morning - the most challenging one I’ve done so far, not in terms of time or distance but in hills. I finally feel ready to do it. Let’s see.

Oh, and I bought the most delicious top on Vinted. Oops. At least I’ll have a whole new wardrobe at the end of this.

I hope you get to the point where you have solid boundaries around Gellar, stop worry about "upsetting" him and give no
Fucks to what he thinks!!!

A longtime lurker just popping up to ask a Q that randomly popped into my head just now: have you ever accidentally called him Gellar to his face by accident?

Hope you enjoy your run today, and your session later starts a positive process for you.

Just finished therapy session. God she’s good. Wow. A lot to think about.

Ha no I haven’t @Ringsender2 - I actually try not to call him anything to his face. I used to refer to him by a nickname when talking about him and I’ve stopped that too, I call him by his full name when I mention him.

I think you've been very wise to get back into therapy now and with someone you trust. You'd have got there on your own, but it's so much easier with some support.

Oh god.

I just absolutely lost it with the kids. (In a controlled manner and only after extreme provocation)

You know, all I wanted to do tonight was a bit of yoga, have a gin, sort the laundry, watch an episode of BBT and maybe phone a friend. Instead I’ve spent the last hour arguing with small versions of myself.

They have messed around over which bed they are sleeping in, argued over whether to have a sleep story, they’re too hot, too cold, in the same room, out the same room, they’re not tired, they’re too tired.

I ended up shouting at them and I feel awful.

But this is completely ridiculous and unacceptable.

And it’s all because when they’re at his he goes to bed at the same time as them and quite often lets DD1 sleep in the same bed as him from bedtime.

My eldest DD has said that she sometimes finds it hard switching from one environment to the other. It's worse when ex is being a crappy parent / disney dad, and they go from having no boundaries, to having them again. It used to make me so fucking cross. He wanted 50/50, but then doesn't actually fucking parent. Argh!

Now, I feel a lot more detached from his drama. In my house, we have rules, and these include bedtimes, and own beds. And I used to turn into a stuck record on the first night back. "It's bedtime, tell me in the morning". Always with lots of cuddles, but quiet ones, no chatting.

We're 18 months out of the old house, and we have a steady routine. It does get easier. Sometimes they need consistency, all the more so when one side has very little of it.

I have just tried to bribe DS to stay in bed. It didn't work. I feel your pain.

I think you need to be clear:

"My house, my rules" and perhaps removal of privileges with warnings for continued messing about.

I'm sure they rather wouldn't spend more time at his!

They have now lost pizza and film night as well as a play date at the weekend

Going back to basics. As of Friday, if they want to behave like this, they can go back to having a strict bedtime routine.

They may actually need the security of a strict bedtime routine. Back to Mum where boundaries and proper parenting exists!