Dating Thread 203- Love is in the air!

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@VanGoghsDog 🤣nicking that!

@VanGoghsDog

That made me laugh I’m thinking of who I can send it too arguably no one right now! I’ll store it though

@30somethingandstillsingle i think he's a liar and has carried on letting you believe so much, and would have continued. Personally i would walk away at this point, how can you even trust him now? I just hate liars.

Yes it's the lie that is the biggest issue. He says they are still living together due to practical/financial reasons and a reluctance to leave his dc.
He came clean now (and not the other times I had asked him ) because of the guilt, and apparently his friend had told him recently that he had to tell me the truth and couldn't carry on the lie as he would lose me either way.

I do see how the lie escalated (considering we started as fb's) but I gave him so many 'outs'. he does seem genuinely sorry but I've been here before, being lied to and giving another chance only to find out more down the line.

He does keep saying how bad he feels and how much of an idiot he is for screwing things up... which is a bit as it feels a bit like it's making it all about him and his feelings.

I've totally fallen for him which makes this so much harder, I wish I could just walk away without a second thought

I also feel a bit like the other woman now. I don't think I am as he comes here randomly and at short notice and we talk on the phone most nights when he is Homs. But then I didn't think she was still living there

It’s informed choice - if he’d presented himself as living with an ex (and a lot of people do so it’s not like scandalous or anything) maybe you wouldn’t have got in so deep with feelings?

I don’t have children but I can actually imagine how it might work well financially and practically with parents alternating care?

But if that doesn’t work for a new party they’re entitled to say no at the start?

@30somethingandstillsingle i would wonder if this is the truth. How do you know they aren't still together? Im always suspicious with these things. I hope you find your answers.

30somethingandstillsingle

The lying would do for me I'm afraid. And I understand it would make you feel like the OW.

Maybe you need to have a bit of space to reflect?

@30somethingandstillsingle

Yes it's the lie that is the biggest issue. He says they are still living together due to practical/financial reasons and a reluctance to leave his dc. He came clean now (and not the other times I had asked him ) because of the guilt, and apparently his friend had told him recently that he had to tell me the truth and couldn't carry on the lie as he would lose me either way.

I do see how the lie escalated (considering we started as fb's) but I gave him so many 'outs'. he does seem genuinely sorry but I've been here before, being lied to and giving another chance only to find out more down the line.

He does keep saying how bad he feels and how much of an idiot he is for screwing things up... which is a bit as it feels a bit like it's making it all about him and his feelings.

I've totally fallen for him which makes this so much harder, I wish I could just walk away without a second thought

I'm so sorry 😞 this has happened to you. Liars are not great for having a relationship with. I'd cut your losses now, before it's even harder to let go. Unfortunately he has probably been counting on your strong feelings for him, hoping that you'll forgive the lie.

And as whoppers go, it's a massive one. As someone said upthread people are usually open about this early on in a relationship because it does happen at the end of a marriage. My ex h and I lived together at the weekends for a while & I decided not to date in this period as we were still so enmeshed. We were even tempted to sleep together even though we absolutely were over but old habits die hard and it was, we thought, a way of making it just about bearable.

But it's not fair on you and you should have known what you were getting into.

@Rainandspirit - a full on snog on a first coffee date is a bit much - not surprised you backed off. If you'd had a few drinks and been openly flirting then maybe. Would you see him again if he asked despite this blip?
@30somethingandstillsingle - when I first started OLD - nearly 4 yrs ago, I was in his position. I didn't put it on my profile but mentioned it if I got to a first date. Didn't put anyone off. The fear is there, that no one is going to take you seriously. However, you did say you started as FB, so I can sort of see why he maybe didn't think it was important at the time. I guess as time went on and feelings developed, he just didn't know how to tell you. If you did forgive him, how do you see things developing? Has he any plans to move out?

I've got a 2nd date with MrSolid on Thurs. Going to his village for a walk and lunch then back to my town for a few drinks and I've assumed he'll stay over. He is an ex so whilst we are starting again, there's non of the formalities of getting to know each other, which is great.
Although we have talked about what went wrong before and how we've changed and some logistics have changed, would I be pushing it to tell him my concerns again? He's so confident we can work and doesn't seem to have any worries about me! I don't want to burst his bubble but do I speak out or just wait and see?

I think I will call him MrSnog 🤣🤣
I think I am going to see him again . He did message me to say sorry if he over stepped and we have talked about it this evening. I think we were just not on the same page !!
We have great chat online and really hit it off it’s more that I am soooo out of tune with it all and a bit scared it will take me a bit longer . O the joys

@Rainandspirit

It sounds like you have good boundaries and are comfortable communicating through - you don’t feel comfortable don’t do it is always a good place to start off.

Obviously everyone has different comfort zones for physical contact and intimacy and I think just sticking to being honest means that you’ll attract the right ones (whether it’s this one or not) and put off the wrong ones?

@Rainandspirit the open communication is a really good sign, hope you get to see Mr Snog again and give him another go! I can understand your reaction... I always tend to go for a snog whatever the situation (even if I don't like the guy much I always try them out for a kiss 😂😳) but I like to be prepared not caught off guard!!

Thanks @SpringlikeBunk yes we all have different comfort zones . And the fact we can talk about it is great.
@Bbub I will give him another go as the kiss was definitely like when u were a teenager starting out 🙈 . A good kisser is very important

Well.....MrWG has taken that meme as a demand (after a few other exchanges) and is now trying to work out a date!

MrDecorator has been going on about me cooking curry for him. He really is quite dull in his banter. He then asked "are we meeting up this weekend". So weedy, where is the thoughtful suggestion or invitation?
I've just skirted the issue. Painting starts Monday! Phew.

I forgot to tell you all - MrD, MrNK and the gardener all have the same first name. Really, you couldn't make it up! At least I can just photocopy the Dear John letter for them. The name is, in fact, John!

@Naimee87

I'm 33 and so far never really ever been interested in anyone the same age as me or younger. I really prefer or am so much more drawn to men like 40+ is anyone else similar?

This is fine. But when you're sixty you'll still be drawn to men who are 40!

@VanGoghsDog

I agree with @Onesmallstep67

MrWG seems the only one you’re actually genuinely excited about - the others seem like they belong in the ”distant/boundaried/occasional friendzone”?

Thank you for your wise words @BelladiMamma @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I text last night, told him I wasn't comfortable with his attitude to mask wearing. He responded "ok no worries, was expecting it", and blocked me..all good.

It has put me off to be honest. My last relationship was the outcome of OLD. This recent experience, I've realised I need to be more ruthless, and tighten my boundaries. That's if there is a next time!

Good luck everyone

@VanGoghsDog mr Decorator has no personality at all does he. You’d probably have more fun watching his paint job dry... arf! 🙈

I now have the situation where MrWG is coming round one evening next week, hopefully after MrD has left for the day from his painting.

And I just know I'm going to get a letter about my hospital procedure which will fall on the same day. Which means I'd need to call off MrWG, and my friend has to come and stay because I need someone with me for 24 hours after it and I have to isolate for three days before so the decorating would need to be postponed.

@30somethingandstillsingle I'm so sorry to hear that Mr Tall has lied.
The problem with him admitting the lies now is whether you can actually believe anything he says.
Are they really seperated? Maybe you could meet her if things are serious between you both.
Does his house have enough bedrooms that everyone is genuinely sleeping separately?
A lot of men don't live with their kids and manage fine, why doesn't he ask for 50/50 and if his ex doesn't agree he can take her to court. 50/50 is the usual amount awarded unless there are other issues like job hours, or violence etc
When would the living together end? When the kids are grown up?
How would your relationship with him work if he lives with his ex for the next 10+ years?
I hope he's not going to suggest moving in with you to resolve things.

The lying would be too big for me to get over but only because my ex lied to me constantly for 17 years about emotional affairs.

As someone else said your choice to enter into an FB situation and then develop feelings was made based on lies.
Personally I wouldn't have met someone on Fab who couldn't accomodate, I didn't care how long seperated they were.

Just because you have feelings doesn't mean you can't end it, it will hurt like hell but at least you could look back and enjoy the memories of the time you had.

Really sorry to hear that @30somethingandstillsingle I think you've had your suspicions for a while but I'm glad he's finally come clean.
It's really difficult to decide whether or not to move on/forgive and forget once you know they've been dishonest. I'm in a similar predicament and, having had some space away, I'm leaning towards finishing things. It's not necessarily that I don't believe what he's saying, it's that I hate the fact I'm questioning everything in the first place. It shouldn't be like this.
@Shayelle2009 laughing out loud at watching the paint job dry 😂 @VanGoghsDog you don't seem enthused about any of them bar Mr WG. Hope things fall into place for you.

Poor you @30somethingandstillsingle. Hurts so much when you really like someone and things start going wrong or falling apart. Hope you can get past it if he’s a good one and it’s what you both want xx

@VanGoghsDog, presumably if you have to isolate for 3 days beforehand then the hospital would need to give you some notice. If you are not WFH then as far as they know you would have to tell work you need those days off and reschedule life in general, we all have different circumstances that can't easily be halted without some warning.
@30somethingandstillsingle, none of us know Mr Tall so you are best placed to decide whether you believe his new version of his living arrangements. Some of us get triggered more than others by lies such as this. It's clear that if you feel you are both emotionally invested then there needs to be an honest conversation about what now ? I would need to feel that he was already working towards getting his own place and then allow a certain amount of time to see if keeps his word. I'd also need some sort of tangible reassurance that things were totally over in terms of the marriage. I've not been in this scenario so have no personal experience to base my advice on.