Thoughts on men leaping into second marriages and babies

[awalkbythesea]

I'm intrigued more than anything...

My ex husband of 25 years had an affair, got the lady pregnant and got married with the year. We have children together who are in their twenties. He now has toddlers and is 55 years old.

I've noticed that a few of our friends are in the same scenario. Husband has affair with younger woman, gets her pregnant and marries immediately. The ex wives, on the other hand, seem happy on their own, lose weight, take up the gym/yoga and enjoy not having to wake up to a grumpy man each morning.

Do you think men just need to be "needed"? I can't for one moment imagine that my ex thought he'd be changing nappies again at 55? !

It seems a bit of a script

Doesn’t it?

I think they need to feel young again, and also need to prove that the affair was something important, and not an embarrassing mistake.

IME they rush into new marriages and babies to make sure everyone knows they are not having a mid life crisis, and are very happy with their younger wives.

I know a number of men who followed this script - all divorced again or looking very miserable.

Of course, there must be men who enjoy the new lease of life, younger wife, little children too!

I think it's male ego. I think men don't know what to do if someone isn't looking at them with starry eyes.

I personally just cannot imagine going through the baby stage again.... let alone the dreaded teenaged years !!!

My FIL did this - he had 4 kids & a 25 year+ marriage, left, remarried pretty quickly & had DH’s sister at 56 and DH at 57. Cannot imagine anything worse, personally!!

My brother is one of these. His new wife thinks he's totally content. In reality he can't believe he's starting parenting again. He loves his second lot of children but this isn't what wanted to be doing in his fifties, he wishes he'd never left his first wife.

He won't leave as he's justified leaving his first family by this being the love of his life.

I love him but he frustrates me! The whole situation is a result of his choices.

Maybe they see it as just the price you pay if you want to keep a younger girlfriend?
My exh nearly got in the same position - telling his OW he wanted to have a child with her. He did not want one; they did not have one, and she broke up with him.

My dad left my mum in a similar time frame, I was very relieved his second wife was in her late 40s!

My ex has done this he has 2 dc in their late teens/early 20's and now a 4 year old and a 18 month old.

Meanwhile I am free to pursue hobbies, friendships and some time to myself. I do not envy my ex at all

My sons father did the same to his wife
15 years marriage 2 teens
Left for OW and has a baby at 52 and Young stepson who is about 10
His eldest is my son who is 27
He has 2 grandkids who are the same age as his youngest 😂
I honestly couldn’t think of anything worse at having a kid at that age
My DH is 54 ( same age as EX ) - he bought a new Mercedes 😂fuck having a baby at that age

I think older men do this to either indicate the new relationship is serious, or because they want a second chance at parenting.

I think it comes down to age. Men in their 40's can go on to father several more DC, whereas most women in their 40's wouldn't/couldn't have more. So the fact the a lot of these men often end up with the cliched younger women, means that they are almost bound to have more DC after leaving as those younger women still want DC.

XH's OW was 20 years younger than him and desparate for a child, which he knew. Within months of officially coming out as a couple, she was pregnant, and he became a father again in his 50's, and they married after a few years, whereas with us, he wanted to do it all properly and marry before DC. It was all so much more of a hurry for him the second time round.

My ex refused to have anymore babies with me (we had one of each so that was fine). The affair women got pregnant "by accident" and wouldn't terminate it because of her religion (a bit odd as her religion seemingly was ok with her getting pregnant by another woman's husband... by there we go! LOL!) . Basically, he is stuck with her and as others have said, he'd look a royal arse if he left this family as well.

I was having a similar conversation recently! My thoughts- having dc is not such a huge thing for men. It's just not. Even a man who genuinely takes on half of everything in term of childcare and house stuff still doesn't take on the strain of pregnancy and childbirth. I'd probably have 5 kids if I didn't have to carry and birth them! Not to mention, lots of men simply don't do half of the workload- they carry on working and socialising and the woman picks up the slack (how many times do we read that on mn? On a daily basis I'd say!). Then there is always the option to walk away for a man. Sure, the option is there for women too, but how many women compared to men do you know who have left their dc and moved out? Women are judged hard for this, whereas when men do it, it's just the accepted thing (I know things are moving more to 50:50 with custody so maybe this is changing). Also women are guilted horribly for having dc. I see it a lot even on mn - what about the dc you already have? How will you divide your time fairly? And so on. And, of course, the latest stick to beat women with - what about the environment? I never ever hear men bombarded with such questions, nor have I ever heard judgement pass on a man for damaging the environment or whatever other societal ill women are forced to take into consideration when thinking about having dc. In short - alongside the clear biological differences in that men simply can have kids until they die, men also have the better side of the deal in every way: they don't have to risk their physical wellbeing, they don't have to sacrifice their careers, social lives and identity, they don't have to deal with society judging them every step of the way for every single decision they make. I'm not saying there's no pressure at all on men/fathers, but I genuinely think it's a lot easier for them and if they did have as many consequences as women, the birth rate would plummet!

I call it pathetic

@Hufflepuffsunite
I think what you say is very true. No one berated my ex for walking out on his wife and older children who were devastated, yet had I been the one to just "up and go" all hell would have broken loose!
My ex MIL told me it was probably my fault anyway as I didn't light a candle for him every night at dinner and I no longer looked how I did when I met him (at 21)!!!!!!

I’ve seen this happen so many times and from what I’ve seen, the original Wife is always the winner,.Her children have flown the nest and she has a good lifestyle.Whilst her ex looks like his new children’s Grandad, exhausted, utterly miserable and bending over backwards to keep a younger woman happy.

From a biological/evolutionary point of view it makes perfect sense. Kids with first wife are grown up and no longer need him for their survival. Younger second wife is fertilie and ready to produce more babies. He's still young enough to nurture them to the point they no longer need him for survival. For second wife older man is usually more financially and emotionally stable than an younger model and can provide for her and the children. Sounds like caveman instincts kicking in.

It's pretty Darwinian - the blokes who do do this get to have (much to their exhausted chagrin haha) more kids than the ones who don't, so any genes promoting this behaviour get passed on with a vengeance. The fact Dad is 55 when 2nd family comes along doesn't have much if any of a detrimental affect on the survival chances of the new kids.

Do you think men just need to be "needed"?

No, quite apart from wanting to be needed, these sort demand to be admired and are actually incredibly needy and high maintenance themselves. They want a willing woman to do the shit work, and care for them as they get older - almost universally without reciprocation. Older women have had enough of the shit the rubbish ones deliver and are better at identifying a taker before he can get his feet under the table.

More kids is the entry price of a younger and more naive domestic appliance woman.

I suspect it has a lot to do with making sure the second wife doesn't move on to someone else because she wants to have children, which would leave him all alone in his old age.

Well no is the answer. You say in your first paragraph 'he got the lady pregnant' as if she had no say whatsoever in the pregnancy not once but twice. Why wasn't she using birth control, she knew he was older and already had two children in their 20s.

Maybe she saw him as an a older well off male with a good pension and thought "I'm having that" and he was too naive to realise.
Or could it just be that they are happy, it's not panned out the way it traditionally happens but not really your business as he's an ex husband.

The same happens the other way round. I know women that constantly move from awful partner to worse awful partner because they can't be alone. Then there are the ones that inexplicably have lover back tattoos with new lovers name that they've only known a few months.

People need people as Barbra once sang (it's just not that exclusive to men).

I wonder if women could biologically conceive at that age if they would with a new partner or not? Though I never understand the appeal of it from either sex.

I only ask because I have zero examples of males doing this in my life (though obviously many many do) but I do have two female friends who each got married right out of school, had a couple kids, left their husbands mid to late thirties to make the most of their lives as they were bored or unhappy. One met someone at 40 and now has two babies and the other is now 44 and six months pregnant.

I also had a uni mate who's parents had him at 18 and when he was 18 (and they were 36ish) went on to have 4 more children together. That one always baffled me as why would you want to start over ..especially with the same person?

Very common sight around my area. Is it to do with economic success? ie a brag that not only can they score a younger woman, they're virile enough to make her pregnant, youthful enough to raise the children, and rich enough to pay for another 18 years of housing etc.
I'm not sure there's anything else that ticks all those who boxes.

EGO boxes not who