Thoughts on men leaping into second marriages and babies

[awalkbythesea]

I'm intrigued more than anything...

My ex husband of 25 years had an affair, got the lady pregnant and got married with the year. We have children together who are in their twenties. He now has toddlers and is 55 years old.

I've noticed that a few of our friends are in the same scenario. Husband has affair with younger woman, gets her pregnant and marries immediately. The ex wives, on the other hand, seem happy on their own, lose weight, take up the gym/yoga and enjoy not having to wake up to a grumpy man each morning.

Do you think men just need to be "needed"? I can't for one moment imagine that my ex thought he'd be changing nappies again at 55? !

My dad did exactly the same thing, left my mum after 30 years of marriage because of an affair. My dad is in his mid 60s, his partner is a year older than me also in her 30s, I now have a half brother who is a few months old, which I find really weird. I really feel sorry for my mum that sacrificed her entire life for my dad.

I guess having an affair with a younger woman and leaving your wife and kids etc has to have a big reason to justify it. Like ‘grand love’. If a few
months go by and the new woman wants kids he’s a bit hard pressed to then say ‘ah well this love was big enough for me to lie, cheat and leave my ex wife, but wouldn’t go as far as having babies with you’ isn’t he?

Isn't this what George Osborne has now done? Four grown up kids with his now ex wife and now having a baby with his new younger fiancee. You'd think he'd want a quiet life.

The other time this seems to happen super quickly is when a guy has been in a long term relationship, say 5/10 years and not wanted to get engaged / said 'marriage is just a piece of paper' etc, then after finally breaking up with a long suffering partner (who should have left long before they did as the differences in what they wanted were painfully clear) have been engaged with a baby on the way within a year.

Three times that's happened in our circle of friends alone!

My dad did this too. My mother left him and he got together with someone new within a couple of months. They’d only been together for about two months when she “accidentally” got pregnant. Apparently the pill made her ill and “it was only the once” 🤣 - it was a weird day when I had my snivelling nearly 60 year old father using that phrase, seemed a bit of a role reversal! New partner 10 years younger then me and they have three kids. Apparently they’re very happy but we’ve barely heard from him since .... I’m not entirely sure he would be able to pick my children out in a line up if his life depended on it. So much is the hatred for my mother (acrimonious divorce) that he can’t bear to look at us. Ah well... life’s rich tapestry and all that.

These guys are still working. They can just fuck about in the office until after the babies bedtime.

They don't raise the kids at all, so why should they care? And babies are very cute when you have to do fuck all.

This is what DH father did meanwhile MIL also remarried and has a nice life, plenty of holidays, weekends away etc whilst also getting to dote on GC. I know who I'd rather be.
FILs 'second family' DC are the same generation as his GC which I do find a bit odd.

My ex left his first wife (no children because apparently he couldn't have them) got with me got me pregnant (turns out he could have children after all) we married had another child he had a vasectomy we split he gets involved with another woman tells her I FORCED him to sterilise himself and he was "saving up" for a reversal she was going to help him pay for it too but they split up he is now onto another woman another sob story if he hadn't had the snip he would have been scattering kids everywhere

One of my work colleagues did this, got out of an unhappy marriage, met someone younger & started 2nd family, he seems very happy, and says he is a better parent 2nd time around as he has more patience, experience and money now

@sheebysheep I feel for my kids too. They were suddenly replaced by a baby who they've still never met to this day.
We too had a very acrimonious divorce and the sudden pregnancy (3 months into their relationship!) and the instant need for a shiny UK Visa for the new woman, was a bit of a head fuck for all of us!
Ex husband is seemingly now paying for new houses to be built for the new wives family abroad........

They aren't all like this as the only married man I had an affair with would never have left his wife. Proper cake and eat it man

It's for the best as I've learnt what creeps men like him are and how people deserve so much better. It think the type of person to have an affair will never be truly happy

[quote awalkbythesea]@sheebysheep I feel for my kids too. They were suddenly replaced by a baby who they've still never met to this day.
We too had a very acrimonious divorce and the sudden pregnancy (3 months into their relationship!) and the instant need for a shiny UK Visa for the new woman, was a bit of a head fuck for all of us!
Ex husband is seemingly now paying for new houses to be built for the new wives family abroad........[/quote]
This is a familiar tale! My XH left after 20 years of marriage and 3 teenage kids, and promptly married the much younger OW.. also in need of a visa...and now has a baby at 53!

I can't even begin to imagine a newborn again at this stage in life and am very much enjoying more time to myself, a new house and job and whilst my lifestyle is not what it was when married to him, it is enough...

It really is grim, my friend has two half siblings younger than her children. I think she was 28 and 29 when they were born.

I do think that the wealth of the older man is key though.

I have seen this a lot - and it looks like a transaction- the “younger woman” is often late 30s rather than in her 20s - so is keen to start a family. I wonder if it is really what the older guy wants.

I wonder if this happens much with broke blokes?

Although I would suspect that they might well be financially squeezed once they pass their earning / career plateau and are still funding teenagers in their 70s from their pension that their first wife may have a cut of.

I have seen these Dads being calmer and more available to their toddlers - but they must be exhausted.

Not sure how it pans out for the woman if she then ends up being the sole breadwinner working full time in her late 50s/early 60s financially and emotionally supporting a family of teenagers and being a carer to an OAP.

The second wives / younger woman in these situations must also be on MN - would be good to hear their experience too.

@Stichintime

I think older men do this to either indicate the new relationship is serious, or because they want a second chance at parenting.

I think that they are simply thinking with their dicks and then suddenly new partner is pregnant. 50% of pregnancies are not planned or are they

I doubt they want a second chance at parenting 😂

@TalkedTooMuchStayedTooLong

So intrigued by your story !!!! Is identical to mine !!! LOL!

I don’t think it’s that simple. IMO most “unplanned” pregnancies are a myth, and these woman who fall pregnant two/three months into a relationship know exactly what they’re doing, and also likely believe that having a baby is the only way to keep him.

It takes two to make a baby, and where there are these older men having more children there are also women in the picture.

I have no doubt my H would do this —when— if we split. He just doesn’t like his own company. And he has no firm wants of his own so he just goes along with whatever is happening around him, as long as it doesn’t interfere with his work. He’d also not keep a relationship with our D.C. very weak willed is how I’d describe him I suppose.

@Hufflepuffsunite has it right - men can have as many kids as they like and bother the consequences.
Also OW's probably desperate - they don't seem likely to force their older DH's to carry an equal share of parental load. If they weren't that desperate they could've stayed single until they found a more suitable man or had a baby on their own.

I’d love to hear from some of these second wives too.

I don’t think it’s the man driving the pregnancies in these cases, I think it’s more that the thirty something single woman who seems like a young hot prospect to the ageing man is actually acutely aware of her single status and biological clock and, having failed to meet someone of the usual child bearing age who is also single, is so desperate not to end up alone and childless that she sets her sights lower and starts to entertain married men in their fifties. And an ‘accidental’ pregnancy ensues. They’ve both got what they want, he has the younger wife and she has the stability and baby, but he is exhausted and she has to muster the enthusiasm to shag a man old enough to be her dad. Hence why both of them usually look pretty fucked off after not much time.

I think that sometimes it's done to prove that he loves new wife as much as original wife.

Mine married a much younger woman who fortunately for him didn't want children. I think he got a big ego boost for it but then started to dress like something from the matrix, wearing leather necklaces and bangles and going to Ministry of Sound and dance festivals abroad.

When I knew him he had absolutely no sense of rhythm, chronic dad dancer and Pringle sweater wearing golfer. Cringe, just cringe.

And yes, there’s a good dollop of the bloke desperately trying to look like it’s actually true love and worth destroying his first family for. No it’s definitely not all just a massive cliche driven ego trip.