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Original poster

Thoughts on men leaping into second marriages and babies

252 replies

awalkbythesea · 25/04/2021 15:23

I'm intrigued more than anything...

My ex husband of 25 years had an affair, got the lady pregnant and got married with the year. We have children together who are in their twenties. He now has toddlers and is 55 years old.

I've noticed that a few of our friends are in the same scenario. Husband has affair with younger woman, gets her pregnant and marries immediately. The ex wives, on the other hand, seem happy on their own, lose weight, take up the gym/yoga and enjoy not having to wake up to a grumpy man each morning.

Do you think men just need to be "needed"? I can't for one moment imagine that my ex thought he'd be changing nappies again at 55? !

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 26/04/2021 11:48

Can’t see that many young attractive women wanting a much older partner and no kids. May be some but few and far between I imagine!

MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 12:04

[quote awalkbythesea]@sheebysheep I feel for my kids too. They were suddenly replaced by a baby who they've still never met to this day.
We too had a very acrimonious divorce and the sudden pregnancy (3 months into their relationship!) and the instant need for a shiny UK Visa for the new woman, was a bit of a head fuck for all of us!
Ex husband is seemingly now paying for new houses to be built for the new wives family abroad........[/quote]
No fool like an old fool.

MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 12:08

Posters have said from the make's pov that it's an attempt to the affair/destruction, to keep the (often) ow happy etc.

From the ow's pic it's also an attempt to vindicate the affair - it's not a fling, it's twu luv, serious, the real thing, significant ... And v importantly it also puts her and their relationship (in her eyes) on the same level of significance as that with his ex wife. It also ties him to her, she thinks, in case he thinks about leaving her - either to go back to ex or to be single/for someone else sooner or later.

MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 12:08

*male's pov

MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 12:09

That was supposed to be "an attempt to vindicate, as it were, the affair/destruction"

ravenmum · 26/04/2021 12:12

@MsTSwift

Can’t see that many young attractive women wanting a much older partner and no kids. May be some but few and far between I imagine!
They seem to be in surprisingly plentiful supply tbh. My ex's OW was 10 years younger and more attractive than me. After her, he found himself another younger, pretty woman. My daughter's friend's dad had a pretty wife and got himself a younger, equally attractive mistress. Some women are simply not bothered by ten or fifteen years; the guys are often confident and still sexy, dress better, can talk about interesting subjects and have learned a few tricks. (A female friend of mine also nabbed herself a younger, attractive man, so it's not all one way.)
IrishGirl2020 · 26/04/2021 12:13

@MsTSwift
There are some but not many I agree. My uncle is one case - his first marriage didn’t work out and he was the one who left. Didn’t have much as much contact as he’d have liked with his 2 kids. He eventually met someone 20 years younger - he was up front with her about not wanting more kids and she was ok with that - they’re still married 25 years later.
He always felt guilty about the breakdown of his first marriage and the lack of relationship with his kids and was adamant it wasn’t fair on them for him to have another family with a new wife. He felt that whatever energy and financial resources he had should go to them.
I think having a second family can make the first family feel like second best especially if the man cuts back on work to spend more time with the second lot of kids - as some posters have mentioned is common. I think that’s really horrible for the children of the first marriage. It seems very selfish and a bit like ‘I got that wrong, let’s cut my losses and try and do better next time’. I’m sure not all men are like this but it is so important to show the first set of kids that they are still loved just as much.

IrmaFayLear · 26/04/2021 12:20

Look at rock stars... they continue to father children with ever-younger women until they have to be hoisted up into the marital bed.

As someone said upthread, not many people want an 80-year-old pauper to be their baby’s father....

TurquoiseLemur · 26/04/2021 12:32

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

Isn't this what George Osborne has now done? Four grown up kids with his now ex wife and now having a baby with his new younger fiancee. You'd think he'd want a quiet life.
He probably WILL have a quiet life, all the hard work and drudgery will be carried by someone else: the younger partner, and paid staff.

If men like this had to carry the actual burden of the day-to-day, they'd be a lot less keen to start another family.

Johnson is the same. A lot of it is ego. (But can't say I see what these younger women see in either Johnson OR Osborne, tbh.)

AndromedaGal · 26/04/2021 12:36

@TurquoiseLemur

They’re rich & powerful. That’s what they see in them.

TurquoiseLemur · 26/04/2021 12:40

[quote AndromedaGal]@TurquoiseLemur

They’re rich & powerful. That’s what they see in them.[/quote]
Well, sure, but neither of those things necessarily make them good relationship material. As Johnson certainly keeps on demonstrating.

TillyTopper · 26/04/2021 12:43

I have also noticed this OP and find it strange that men do this. I was also talking to a friend who has done similar and now has a baby and he is 56. He told me that he was shocked because last time (23 years ago) his wife did everything, but this time his new wife has demanded a schedule and he has to do night feeds and changing and be far more involved. I laughed inwardly!

Newname12 · 26/04/2021 12:59

In mine and dh’s case...

His ex chucked him out, moved her other man in. Dh went from being a full time, involved father to sleeping on his mum’s couch, seeing his kids on a weekend, them sleeping on camp beds in his mums room. From doing the school runs and bedtimes every day to nothing, while the new bloke stepped in, was taken to parents evenings etc.

Couple of years later meets me. I am older than his ex fwiw!

We discuss kids. I am aware he has two already. I am ambivalent, but probably would like kids in the future. He is torn, how would his kids feel, he doesn’t want to feel like he’s “replacing” them etc.

In the end he came to terms with the fact he’d never live with his kids and be a full time father, which is all he’d ever wanted. So we decided to have our own- kept things the same for his kids as much as possible, he still saw them same days, paid the same etc.

In some ways it helped as ex wouldn’t let him have overnights- once we had ours the kids started asking to stay over and we were more set up for children etc.

It isn’t easy, and I’m sure we have made mistakes along the way. But being a nrp is hard if you do actually want to parent your kids, and surprisingly there are men out there that want to.

Dh still has times where he gets upset about the sdc as his relationship has been affected- but realistically by the divorce and having separated parents rather than the fact he had more kids.

Lots of women go on to have new relationships and more kids which doesn’t seem to be judged as much...

MsTSwift · 26/04/2021 13:07

Actually dh and were saying yesterday watching the news what an odd couple Boris and Carrie are. They don’t “match” in any way like pretty much all the couples we know. L

IrishGirl2020 · 26/04/2021 13:08

@Newname12

Lots of women go on to have new relationships and more kids which doesn’t seem to be judged as much...

But that’s because the women usually don’t abandon the first set of kids and have a second family. It’s usually just more like one big family - maybe different Dads but same family.

Of course not all men who split from their partner abandon the kids either - and your DH sounds like a decent man trying to do the right thing for everyone.

Notanotherter · 26/04/2021 13:28

But that’s because the women usually don’t abandon the first set of kids and have a second family. It’s usually just more like one big family - maybe different Dads but same family.

Yes definitely dads or nrp who don't keep to visits and schedules and duck out of their responsibility are terrible. But sometimes just being the nrp or divorcing your children's mother is equated with "abandoning" children from a first marriage. As a nrp will never be a full time parent is it wrong to start again with a new partner? Does that also equal replacing the children from a first marriage? What about in the OP's case when she says their children are all adults? Can you realistically abandon them when they have moved out and started their own lives and dad remarries and has more kids.

Personally speaking for me, in all these situations if my dad left my mum, I would feel replaced in every scenario listed and there is genuinely nothing he could do to make me feel okay with a new family whether I was 8 or 38. I can say I would judge him no matter what, so is it ever okay for men to remarry and have more children and the children don't feel replaced?

(Well definitely don't have a family with OW for starters -)

frazzledasarock · 26/04/2021 13:41

My DH quietly accepts his dads new family, he used to spend a lot of time ferrying his half siblings around to activities and stuff on weekends and school holidays.

SIL on the other hand feels hurt at FIL for having a new family as she has no place in her dads new home. Whereas her step-siblings each have a room in their mums house and they are late twenties so adults also, but SIL doesn't have her own space in her dads home.
Which she has said repeatedly, makes her feel incredibly rejected and replaced. Possibly also why she acts out and demands expensive gifts in lieu to feel she is still valued by her father.

Quincie · 26/04/2021 13:45

One problem is, as the wife usually instigates social life, the first family get left out. If the DF does make a serious attempt to maintain a good relationship with his first family then well and good but with a well-paid, so presumably busy, job, new babies /toddlers/ new wife and her family and friends it could be tricky to keep proper contact with adult first family and DGCs.
Regardless of how much he was in love with new partner/ loves children/ is a great dad etc that is going to be difficult.

GrumpyHoonMain · 26/04/2021 13:48

@Quincie

One problem is, as the wife usually instigates social life, the first family get left out. If the DF does make a serious attempt to maintain a good relationship with his first family then well and good but with a well-paid, so presumably busy, job, new babies /toddlers/ new wife and her family and friends it could be tricky to keep proper contact with adult first family and DGCs. Regardless of how much he was in love with new partner/ loves children/ is a great dad etc that is going to be difficult.
Yes particularly as the elder children may be the father’s only hope at being any kind of grandparent.
Newname12 · 26/04/2021 14:04

If the DF does make a serious attempt to maintain a good relationship with his first family then well and good but with a well-paid, so presumably busy, job, new babies /toddlers/ new wife and her family and friends it could be tricky to keep proper contact with adult first family and DGCs

Works both ways. Adult dc, say at uni, struggle to find time for two sets of parents. When sdc were at uni, when they came back for holidays they stayed with their mum- between them working, seeing mum and mums family, seeing friends, spending time with boyfriends etc, they usually only had time for a quick meal out once or twice. Again makes a massive difference to the relationship when you don’t physically share a house and see them every day.

If sdc or their mum move away as adults, it becomes even harder to carve out time to go and stay with parents.

Divorce is pretty shit for everyone involved tbh, kids can’t split themselves in two so someone loses out, including the kids.

Slideviewer · 26/04/2021 14:26

Can’t see that many young attractive women wanting a much older partner and no kids. May be some but few and far between I imagine!

I'm married to one. We did talk about having children but when it came to decision as to exactly when to start trying, we realised that neither of us were actually that keen.

TurquoiseLemur · 26/04/2021 14:59

@Quincie

One problem is, as the wife usually instigates social life, the first family get left out. If the DF does make a serious attempt to maintain a good relationship with his first family then well and good but with a well-paid, so presumably busy, job, new babies /toddlers/ new wife and her family and friends it could be tricky to keep proper contact with adult first family and DGCs. Regardless of how much he was in love with new partner/ loves children/ is a great dad etc that is going to be difficult.
Well, yes, but why IS it usually the wife who instigates social contact? Are men physically incapable of doing this? No, it's simply that far too many assume that it is the role of the women in the family.

And some women assume this too.My MIL approaching me because my FIL and DH had had an argument, MIL somehow expecting ME to fix it. Men in such scenarios are expected to be useless in this regard. . . so they never learn!

user1471538283 · 26/04/2021 16:52

One of my friends had a baby in his early 20s then split with the mother. Then had a baby at 50 with another woman and married her. After a year or so they split up. I just didnt understand her reasoning unless she thought he had matured?

Women usually do most of the work and much as I loved the baby and toddler years the thought of doing again makes my blood run cold.

MsTSwift · 26/04/2021 17:10

God yes. The fact these older men are ok about doing it all again demonstrates just who it is doing most of the grunt work 🙄.

Am 45 and hell would freeze over before me or any of my large same age friendship group would have another baby! The youngest of our kids late primary. Also as a woman your hormones drain away as you get older and you can’t be arsed with it

everythingbackbutyou · 26/04/2021 19:25

@AnyOldPrion, same! He kept making half hearted arrangements to get a vasectomy and I was wondering the same thing. Coupled with the fact that he had begun to point out men who looked like my type, and mentioned something along the lines of "If I was single, babyEverything in her pushchair would be great for meeting women". Despite his massive drama presentation when I said I wanted to separate, I now think he already had one foot out the door but, being a narcissist, wasn't prepared to look like the villain of the piece by walking out on his wife and 3 kids.