Thoughts on men leaping into second marriages and babies

[awalkbythesea]

I'm intrigued more than anything...

My ex husband of 25 years had an affair, got the lady pregnant and got married with the year. We have children together who are in their twenties. He now has toddlers and is 55 years old.

I've noticed that a few of our friends are in the same scenario. Husband has affair with younger woman, gets her pregnant and marries immediately. The ex wives, on the other hand, seem happy on their own, lose weight, take up the gym/yoga and enjoy not having to wake up to a grumpy man each morning.

Do you think men just need to be "needed"? I can't for one moment imagine that my ex thought he'd be changing nappies again at 55? !

@Dacquoise

Mine married a much younger woman who fortunately for him didn't want children. I think he got a big ego boost for it but then started to dress like something from the matrix, wearing leather necklaces and bangles and going to Ministry of Sound and dance festivals abroad.

When I knew him he had absolutely no sense of rhythm, chronic dad dancer and Pringle sweater wearing golfer. Cringe, just cringe.

Something from the matrix

@MayorGoodwaysChicken, always a good look on a dumpy, balding fifty year old with the looks of a Gargoyle!

@awalkbythesea I suspect it's a not uncommon tale!

@Dacquoise

Mine married a much younger woman who fortunately for him didn't want children. I think he got a big ego boost for it but then started to dress like something from the matrix, wearing leather necklaces and bangles and going to Ministry of Sound and dance festivals abroad.

When I knew him he had absolutely no sense of rhythm, chronic dad dancer and Pringle sweater wearing golfer. Cringe, just cringe.

my XH also has a fondness for dressing "young"... he has lost weight, which actually has made him look older, but has a interesting selection of what he used to scoffingly describe as "look younger" necklaces and similar... and wears expensive designer trainers that my DD described as "what an old person thinks a trendy young person would wear, but they wouldn't!"

Well my ex hasn't fathered more kids but has embraced bringing up his dp's kid, his bio kids are bemused as he never was hands on with them like that and certainly never took them to children's places, hated it

The men are just looking for a younger woman. The younger woman wants the babies. The men are willing to pay that price to be with a younger woman.

I think you got that right @TheYearOfSmallThings

Exactly that

I feel sorry for the first lot of kids, abandoned by their father and replaced with shiny new second chance children.

How about being a proper dad to your existing children first? Which includes treating their mother with respect.

@PicsInRed

Do you think men just need to be "needed"?

No, quite apart from wanting to be needed, these sort demand to be admired and are actually incredibly needy and high maintenance themselves. They want a willing woman to do the shit work, and care for them as they get older - almost universally without reciprocation. Older women have had enough of the shit the rubbish ones deliver and are better at identifying a taker before he can get his feet under the table.

More kids is the entry price of a younger and more naive domestic appliance woman.

Wow I think this might be spot on. And agreed with what people said earlier, for men having kids isn't such a big deal especially if the woman is desperate for them because they can bargain and say things like "Ok but I'm not taking time off work"...

I do agree that as women get older they take less shit.

It’s not just men leaving their wives. Two of my school friends tragically lost their mothers to cancer young - one in sixth form and the other just after we left school, so 16 and 18. Despite being happy marriages (as far as we knew) both dads had moved on and remarried within a year or two, and went on to have kids with the second wives, 18-20 years after their first family.

I’ve seen that Damian Lewis has already been talking about Helen McCrory giving her blessing to his future relationships. Willing to bet it’s not going to be long.

I suspect some of it is economic. Second wife is invariably unemployed, was in debt, sharing a rental and didn't have a car when she met my exhusband. Now having rights to a property, his pension and the pocket money he gives her must make her feel a lot more secure. Not sure someone financially independent would find him quite so attractive. But then I would say that. He's her problem now....enjoy!

Men are programmed by nature to fuck anything that moves. That’s what ensures the survival of the species.

@PicsInRed, this. Mine was bowled over after 2 decades of marriage when it turned out I wouldn't actually suffer his abuse forever and I initiated a divorce. It took him 2 months to find a new girlfriend, 7 months to buying a place together, will be married not 2 years later. He simply does not 'do' alone. I think she will waive the entry fee as she already has a dd, but who knows.Hope he doesn't show his true colours to her too, for her sake.

@Dacquoise, absolutely. He is her problem now, as are his bizarre enabling family who have not said a word to me since we split, despite the fact that I am the mother of their only grandchildren. Crack on.

By the way, is it a coincidence that currently the next thread on this forum is "So Many Complete Jackasses"? I think not.

I know more than one woman in her mid to late 30s who ‘accidentally’ got pregnant with an older man. Often, as a woman, if you haven’t met someone by late 30s then the only men available are those who’ve already been married and had a family (or they’re the only ones who aren’t total commitment phobes at least!)
I find it amusing that the men in most of those cases seem shocked by the ‘surprise’ pregnancy too - did they really not realise that a woman of that age might be pretty keen to start a family!! The men I know have generally stuck by the second wife but are not always completely happy about being old dads. Rather than it making them feel young again, they find that they’re just exhausted from being back in the throes of looking after young children and often mistaken for being the grandad! Not good for the self esteem!! And they’re also often envious of the ex-wife who, like other posters mention, has her life back and is enjoying new found freedom!
I don’t for one minute envy men’s ability to start a new family in their 50s - one family is plenty enough for me 😀

@Nameregretter women grieve, men replace as they say

My Nan and grandad divorced at 50 and by 55 he was married with another child. My mum and her brother were late 20s. My grandad was very happy with his second wife (16 years younger) and was with her until he died.
He did say he enjoyed parenthood more second time around as he had more time, money and patience. When my mum and her brother were young he was working 12 hour days in his business so felt he missed out whereas when he has my aunt he had a regular job and then retired by her teens.

It’s easier for men to start again as they don’t bare the brunt like women!

In the two cases I know, the OW got pregnant to force the man to leave his marriage.

Both are now insistent that the OW is the love of their lives, but I’m pretty sure they would have happily carried on shagging the younger woman on the side if they had been able to.

One is a senior consultant shagging a junior doctor - had to shack up with her when she fell pregnant to avoid a massive scandal. The other is one of our friends, and OW turned up pregnant on wife’s doorstep, so obviously wife dumped him. Both men significantly better off than OW. Both have been massively played, but serves them right frankly.

Let's ask our Prime Minister

Gosh.
Why so much contempt if a man in their fifties doesnt live the routine owned way that will suit a woman they met two decades ago? He’s not a prisoner- divorce and changing partners isnt illegal! He’s not a pet that’s run away from his rightful owner at his own peril, he’s a person. And I know it makes some people feel better to denigrate their exes but having been through a divorce and seen my friends do the same, I don’t see how the contempt and stereotyping helps anyone. I really don’t.

Maybe he wants and likes children and is madly in love with his partner and wants to have a family (and, and I get this is painful, but maybe in part that is so that all the memories of that significant bond are not only the old ones with a woman they no longer love nor want to be their only significant partner?)
Maybe he wants another go to do parenting when he’s less distracted by work or with a different sort of mother, different financials, or a partner he realises he loves differently or more?
Maybe if women could have children in their fifties more would when they meet, fall in love? Maybe that’s an urge that resurges when any human at any age wants to settle down?

What we do know is the only reason men with younger partners are the ones you see doing it is because women that age cant, and men with women of their own age (of whom there are thousands) cant? So it is a selfselecting sample.

Maybe some looked for someone younger not just for the beauty or whatever is the contemptuous reason y’all sneer at but, actually for the ability to bear a child? They may regret it, they may not. Maybe the moaning is because everyone moans when knackered with a young baby?
Maybe they aren’t “stuck” with their new wife - just like you don’t like to think they were ever “stuck” with their old one?

Not statements, questions- to inject a bit more humanity into the snidey judgment on this thread.
Men talk about older women in the same way - writeoffs who embarrass themselves if they dont just accept their lot and keep their heads down- and its so sad- we all need to be a lot kinder.

@ladamanera have you even read the OP? The thread is about men who have had affairs. Cheating is disgusting. Hence the judgement. Also why would a non-desperate woman marry her affair partner? When you marry a cheater... you marry a cheater.

Same reason a non-desperate woman marries the man the first time around despite his various failings, I’d guess. Love.
My marriage-ex didn’t cheat on me, but he was rubbish as a partner for me, and I thought I was pretty crappy for him too (he kindly disagrees). Brilliantly, someone totally different to me is happy with him now and has been for two years and I’m just so glad our relationship didnt leave him on his own. Just cos we didn’t make each other happy doesn’t mean he should be some kind of pariah.
Endings are messy. People are complicated.
I have been cheated on before and it stings but I have to say I’d be reassured if they loved the person they left me for, not rubbing my hands with glee that some “desperate” woman is “stuck with him”. If I felt that contemptuous about either him or a woman who loved him then logically I should have set him free years ago (as what does that say about me?)

Yes of course there must be 50 something men who fall in love with a younger woman and genuinely want to start another family with them. But quite often I think it comes more from not wanting to deny the new wife the opportunity to have her own children than from wanting more children themselves - but that’s just the people I know - so obviously a very small sample size.

Also not uncommon for men to have a vasectomy when they split from their wives as they are so worried about dating again and the possibility of accidental pregnancies.

But people are different - some women carry on wanting more babies long after it’s biologically no longer possible so I’m sure some men feel the same except it is potentially possible for them.

@AndromedaGal

Nail on head.