Thoughts on men leaping into second marriages and babies

[awalkbythesea]

I'm intrigued more than anything...

My ex husband of 25 years had an affair, got the lady pregnant and got married with the year. We have children together who are in their twenties. He now has toddlers and is 55 years old.

I've noticed that a few of our friends are in the same scenario. Husband has affair with younger woman, gets her pregnant and marries immediately. The ex wives, on the other hand, seem happy on their own, lose weight, take up the gym/yoga and enjoy not having to wake up to a grumpy man each morning.

Do you think men just need to be "needed"? I can't for one moment imagine that my ex thought he'd be changing nappies again at 55? !

I think this is a well worn road TBH! Has OW then she wants baby or sets out to get pregnant .He leaves wife and wants to start a "new life" with a young wife and family .Probably regrets it, as he is having to start again with young DC .How many ageing Rockers are there that do this .Ronnie Wood ,Rod Stewart and so on .They are less tired though as can afford help!

@ladamanera

Same reason a non-desperate woman marries the man the first time around despite his various failings, I’d guess. Love. My marriage-ex didn’t cheat on me, but he was rubbish as a partner for me, and I thought I was pretty crappy for him too (he kindly disagrees). Brilliantly, someone totally different to me is happy with him now and has been for two years and I’m just so glad our relationship didnt leave him on his own. Just cos we didn’t make each other happy doesn’t mean he should be some kind of pariah. Endings are messy. People are complicated. I have been cheated on before and it stings but I have to say I’d be reassured if they loved the person they left me for, not rubbing my hands with glee that some “desperate” woman is “stuck with him”. If I felt that contemptuous about either him or a woman who loved him then logically I should have set him free years ago (as what does that say about me?)

So nice to read a mature comment on one of these types of posts. Really refreshing that there are women who can accept life changes/people change as we get older and don't blame partners/ex-partners etc for how their lives turned out! I've also been cheated on, ex called me at work to say girlfriend was pregnant, I divorced him, met someone else and life goes on!

My Dad was an older Dad - we were his second family.
I think everything was fine until he developed age related health issues in his early 60's and my DM had to look after young children/teenagers and nursemaid him. It aged her, and she never got to do the young fun mum stuff.
She told me she was so happy she had met my Dad though, she hadn't managed to find a guy her age who wanted children so she was over the moon to meet my Dad.
He unfortunately died while I was in the 6th form - so I never got to have an adult relationship with him. Nor did the children of his first marriage because they felt 'replaced' by me and my brother.
I wonder if my Dad would have made the same choices knowing what he knows now.

My FIL did something similar - only there was no cheating involved.
One of my SIL is actually older than my mum and one of my BIL was in the same year as my mum. Crazy!

I hope my DH never does anything like you have described to me. We have a great relationship now but I guess you never know what will happen 20-30 years down down line.

Mt exh also had an affair with a woman 12 years our junior and I left him when I found out. They stayed together for almost 2 years...enough to 'prove' to people that this was a great love affair and totally worth the agony he caused me and our children, before leaving her (I suspect because he realised she would want kids of her own at some point and wasn't just a shiny play thing) and is now with a woman a few years older than us with 2 kids of her own, so when he doesn't have our two, he spends most of his time with hers, while I enjoy lovely child free time.

I just thank God that he had a vasectomy after our two kids so that he didn't have to force half siblings on our children on top of everything else.

Years ago in my 20's I worked in a company with a young work force and over a few years there were a load of affairs between women in their late 20's and men in their very early 40's.

Each of the men were a bit on the sleezy side.
The type that stayed late at work unnecessarily, out for every drinks night etc.

Within two years they were all on second families, with wives who continued to work in the office and watched them like hawks.🤣

They all looked pretty miserable to us who used to have a good laugh at their expense.

We would have known their first wives and felt bad for them being treated so poorly.

We speculated they probably wished they hadn't bothered as they certainly weren't hanging around the office late as their new partners knew exactly what they were like and having none of it.
They often came to work in one car!🤣

@billy1966 Yes - my ex's affair was with someone he worked with, which narrowed his opportunity to continue all the socialising he did through work when we were together and also his opportunity to move onto the next one...who he didn't work with, funnily enough!

Good job his office has been closed for the past year really as I can't imagine it would have been that comfortable working with the OW after dumping her for another OW.

[quote Sunshineandflipflops]@billy1966 Yes - my ex's affair was with someone he worked with, which narrowed his opportunity to continue all the socialising he did through work when we were together and also his opportunity to move onto the next one...who he didn't work with, funnily enough!

Good job his office has been closed for the past year really as I can't imagine it would have been that comfortable working with the OW after dumping her for another OW.[/quote]
They were all little clones of each other🙄, pleasant, chatty men, good enough at their
job, nice, attractive wife at home and perhaps 2 children under 5.
Wife was obviously busy with working, children and not giving them the attention they required and deserved 🙄.

They would "work late" because they were so important and fart around the office flirting with the single woman.

We see the affair happening even though they would think they were being discreet and within a year it was out in the open and low and behold they are having a baby.

Hugely entertaining as we thought they were gobshites.

Their miserable faces must have been noted because after a glut of a dozen such new alliances, things really calmed down🤣

Where I used to work (top City law firm) the sleazy older married men were too smart to risk a midlife divorce (ouch expensive) and if they were shaggers were careful to keep the ow as a bit on the side. Let it be said this was a minority- lots of decent senior family men there too.

Where I used to work (top City law firm) the sleazy older married men were too smart to risk a midlife divorce (ouch expensive)

I can imagine. I went with my DH to have his vasectomy privately in a central London clinic. As I sat in the waiting area, the man having the op before and after my DH both paid cash. It was around £500 so they must have withdrawn it specially - maybe didn’t want a record on their bank statement? I wondered who they needed it to keep it a secret from (over-active imagination!!). Both well dressed and in their early 50s

@IrishGirl2020 interesting you say that about men keeping a vasectomy quiet.
My DH friend told him a few years ago that he had one after he left his wife for the OW but wouldn’t tell any the OW or any of his girlfriends that he had a vasectomy.
The OW was early thirties and desperately wanted kids . But I think he made it clear he wasn’t having any ( not that he could ) and eventually she left him after a few years .over they years he had Other girlfriends who were similar ages late twenties early thirties & no kids .They all wanted to have a baby and he said there was no way he was having more kids and he wasn’t go to tell them that he had a vasectomy either as he said it was none of there business as he had already said he didn’t want any more kids .

@Roxy69 Sorry to hear you don't have your parents anymore. I hope it doesn't seem insensitive but would you have preferred they hadn't had you at all?

I used to work with a man who broke up with Wife 1 and got with a younger model (Wife 2).

For a while, he was living the dream: part time Disney dad to his two pre-teens at weekends and going home to his swanky apartment and younger wife each night.

But wife 2 wanted kids, and he ended up in his late 40s juggling a newborn & toddler with Wife 2 and two teenagers from his first marriage. He looked knackered and despite a good job appeared to worry about money.

Then he used to complain because all his middle-aged mates (who had stayed with their first wives and packed their kids off to uni) had taken up cycling and golf, but he never had any free time ........

I didn't have an affair.
However I left my wife and have ended up with a younger woman, 12yrs. All the women I dated post divorce were around the same age gap.

She wants a baby, that's the narrative with younger women. Personally I don't mind, I like having a family, children, and comparative to my business/work life, family/home life is a walk in the park.

Personally I don't mind, I like having a family, children, and comparative to my business/work life, family/home life is a walk in the park.

I'm sure it is.

Personally I don't mind, I like having a family, children, and comparative to my business/work life, family/home life is a walk in the park.

Yes dear.

[quote Tipsylizard]@Roxy69 Sorry to hear you don't have your parents anymore. I hope it doesn't seem insensitive but would you have preferred they hadn't had you at all?[/quote]
Can't say as I have never thought about it, but I would have liked the chance to have them longer in my life. I do feel cheated and I do think people ought to think about that.

Boris Johnson or Boris Becker have you noticed how they end up over reaching finance wise to sate the new younger wife’s desires . They would have started in the bedroom but then it becomes quid pro quo so they can look like they have still got it.

@Darlingx
God don’t get me started on Boris Johnson 😂
Moaning about how his PM salary isn’t enough etc. Maybe stop having children then because, guess what, they can be expensive! Something most of the rest of us managed to work out for ourselves 🙄

Sounds like so many follow the same pattern!

I once read that men (typically!) won't leave a relationship, no matter how unhappy he is until he's got the next woman lined up & waiting....women on the other hand are more likely to leave an unhappy relationship on the basis they are unhappy (i.e. no 3rd party).

I guess we then want a break and a bit of peace before getting together with someone else?!

Obviously not true in every case but seems quite common.....

@ladamanera

Same reason a non-desperate woman marries the man the first time around despite his various failings, I’d guess. Love. My marriage-ex didn’t cheat on me, but he was rubbish as a partner for me, and I thought I was pretty crappy for him too (he kindly disagrees). Brilliantly, someone totally different to me is happy with him now and has been for two years and I’m just so glad our relationship didnt leave him on his own. Just cos we didn’t make each other happy doesn’t mean he should be some kind of pariah. Endings are messy. People are complicated. I have been cheated on before and it stings but I have to say I’d be reassured if they loved the person they left me for, not rubbing my hands with glee that some “desperate” woman is “stuck with him”. If I felt that contemptuous about either him or a woman who loved him then logically I should have set him free years ago (as what does that say about me?)

If the OW knows the wife and kids (as she did in my situation) and happy to shag about for a year behind my back then too right I'm rubbing my hands in glee at them being miserable together 😂 They deserve each other and all the unhappiness they get being stuck with each other!

@lucy5236

In my company all the women would have known bloody well the men were married but honestly we could well imagine they didn't give a damn if there were young children involved.

Hence they continued working after having their child and watched their new husband like a hawk.

They were both judged and when we increasingly saw the miserable faces on the once full of themselves men, shadows of their once happy selves, we definitely lad a laugh at their expense.🤣

I was mid twenties at the time and it certainly gave me and my friends pause for thought to see the way some of the married men behaved.

Without exception they had all been married to lovely women that we would have met at the very very frequent office social night.

The best scenario I witnessed was as a late teen I babysat for a family. Wife was stunning lovely and thoughtful. The dh cheated on her with numerous younger work colleagues and she found out and ended the marriage. She asked me to babysit. The dh was there seeing their kids. A gorgeous man turned up to collect her 😁. The dh actually had an adult tantrum as the wife and date drove off. Absolutely hilarious.

When I had a French boyfriend and was invited to visit his mother at Christmas suddenly a big family drama was going on. The sister had discovered her partner father of their children was having an affair . Now consider she was the affair he left his first wife for and then started a new family with her. What she had achieved was to create a vacancy for a bit on the side and it was a surprise to her what he was putting the family through and at Christmas but she found it acceptable to steal him away from the first family? I just feel for the children they get diluted or forgotten and as some said when they correct the mistakes they made before with the new family ? For the time being in some cases and to be in the public eye and have that as your strap line when the baby arrives that shouldn’t be the pat on the back unless all his family are included.

Some wives would probably encourage this if their marriage seemed to have run its course. It might be better for both of them, but the new GF might just be a passing fling, so a new marriage and kids should be delayed til it’s proved itself.