Thoughts on men leaping into second marriages and babies

[awalkbythesea]

I'm intrigued more than anything...

My ex husband of 25 years had an affair, got the lady pregnant and got married with the year. We have children together who are in their twenties. He now has toddlers and is 55 years old.

I've noticed that a few of our friends are in the same scenario. Husband has affair with younger woman, gets her pregnant and marries immediately. The ex wives, on the other hand, seem happy on their own, lose weight, take up the gym/yoga and enjoy not having to wake up to a grumpy man each morning.

Do you think men just need to be "needed"? I can't for one moment imagine that my ex thought he'd be changing nappies again at 55? !

I definitely think most men can’t handle being on their own in the same women can.

I cannot tell you the amount of men I’ve heard of who settle down very quickly after a long term relationship breakdown or bereavement. Far more so compared with women.

In general men get looked after by women.

Women do the housework and run the home, raise the children and even look after the men's health.

It's a sweet deal being a married man, marriage improves their health and happiness, the opposite for women.

I see the older I get how much more empowered and confident myself and my female peers are. It's easy for men to look at a younger model and think they are going to be a trophy and not give them any trouble if they throw them a comfortable lifestyle and a couple of babies.

@mumofthemonsters808

I’ve seen this happen so many times and from what I’ve seen, the original Wife is always the winner,.Her children have flown the nest and she has a good lifestyle.Whilst her ex looks like his new children’s Grandad, exhausted, utterly miserable and bending over backwards to keep a younger woman happy.

It’s great that you see things so clearly, completely untinged by any bitterness.......hahahahha.

My dad was in his 50s when we were born. His first wife had died. Never once looked exhausted or utterly miserable......I couldn’t imagine being part of a happier or more loving family.

I have no reason to think this can’t be the case for other older men who end up in relationships with younger women.

One of my friends married an older man and they had children when he was in his 50’s. His first wife left him so it wasn’t him having an affair. I have to be honest, he looks exhausted in his late 60’s, I think his career and his family have worn him out. He’s a good Dad to his younger children, but things aren’t right with his older children- I don’t know all the details but I don’t think he was such a good Dad to them, there are tensions and problems between them.
It’s not a situation I’d want to be in, tbh, my friend beats the brunt of everything.

*bears

I think they just need a new bangmaid to facilitate their life until they die. Find a much younger one and have the admiration and envy of his peers.

Having more children isn't an issue, especially if he has money. He will never have to do the lion's share of taking care of them. Throwing money can make things go away. Hanging out in the office late every night to avoid having to do anything at home.

He can show up and be fed and have clean clothes, house, sex on tap. Then get up early and leave and not have to deal with any family things he doesn't want to deal with.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers ^
Isn't this what George Osborne has now done? Four grown up kids with his now ex wife and now having a baby with his new younger fiancee. You'd think he'd want a quiet life. ^

He only had 2 children with his first wife Frances (barrister turned author).

I assume that as these middle age men rarely go for age peers, and instead they are usually in their 30's, kids are non negotiable for the women they move on with and have no choice but to continue having kids or end up alone.

Seen both sides and it is weird. I have two uncles who have done this and struggle to bond with "new" younger cousins as I can't keep up and there is a massive difference in age with their siblings being in their 30s and 40s.

My friend is a second wife to an older man. They met online while he was on business abroad and his wife had left him. He genuinely seems happy and enjoys his young DC and step DC. His daughter is 30, like me and my friend, and he has 2 more younger daughters. His ex did not take the news well but his daughters seem to be happy l, visit regularly and we all hang out (which i found weird initially) but friend and her step daughter definitely have their own relationship and hang out independently and get on well. Her DH is enjoying being a dad to young kids again, is very generous financially and built her a nice new home and got her a pricey new car as a "push " present. He is also pushing for a second DC, while she would rather wait, as she travels a lot for work and has a business abroad and here. I was sceptical of their age difference but it seems to work well for them.

I would struggle to be happy and accepting if my dad did this even if it was after he split from my mum. I wouldn't like it all.

Isn’t the statistic married men live longer than single men. Single women live longer than either. Married women have the shortest life expectancy.

For a man having subsequent families, small babies till they die doesn’t really affect their lives much. You only have to read on here to know it’s the women who’s lives and careers take the hit.

I think it makes sense for men who have affairs and leave their first families to start families again. It keeps their new partners tied to them, it validates the new relationship (obviously wasn’t just an ego boost if they’re starting a family together etc), the men have the whole family set up with a woman racing around doing all the wife work so pretty much swap out one domestic set up for another and it doesn’t affect their lifestyle too much.

My FIL left MIL for a younger woman he met at work. From what I can see she puts up with a lot more crap than MIL would. She’s more complaint and does as she’s asked whereas MIL wouldn’t.

A maternity leave friend of mine was the second wife in a situation like this. She is quite open about the fact she wouldn’t have stayed with him if he didn’t agree to have children with her. She’s younger rather than young (early 40s) and he is nearly 60 with a 3 and 1 year old to go with his 25-30 year old children from his first marriage. Rather him than me.

Sounds like he’s living the dream. 🤣

Just be glad that he’s not your problem anymore. And your ex MIL, she sounds lovely too. 😬

No idea why some men do this. I think they want to feel young again. Pathetic.

A lot of the time the woman is mid to late 30's and they see it as last chance for a child.

Altho not in his fifties at the time my father returned to New York, pursued his career in corporate banking, remarried and went on to have 4 kids with is second wife. Despite the distance we still have a close relationship so I asked him what he felt about starting a second family in his 40’s - he said he hadn’t planned it that way but he’s been happily married for 20 years now and didn’t regret any of it. You’d have to meet my mother to understand why. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 10 years.

[quote awalkbythesea]@Hufflepuffsunite
I think what you say is very true. No one berated my ex for walking out on his wife and older children who were devastated, yet had I been the one to just "up and go" all hell would have broken loose!
My ex MIL told me it was probably my fault anyway as I didn't light a candle for him every night at dinner and I no longer looked how I did when I met him (at 21)!!!!!![/quote]
I know where that candle would be.

One of the couples in my NCT group was a woman in her thirties with a 50 something man. Got to know her quite well and he also had two children in their late twenties. To be honest he seemed lovely and a lot younger than his true age, he seems to be enjoying fatherhood the second time round and they have an equal relationship from what I can see, both have good careers. I don't think the situation with the older children is exactly harmonious but they do visit.

I'm only 40 but can't even bear the thought of going back to sleepless nights! But he seems to be taking it in his stride.

@lostitall

They aren't all like this as the only married man I had an affair with would never have left his wife. Proper cake and eat it man

It's for the best as I've learnt what creeps men like him are and how people deserve so much better. It think the type of person to have an affair will never be truly happy

Unless you didn't know he was married when you were having your affair, he can't be the only creep in your story.

Good luck to them.
I wouldn't want to be 70 with a child at school.
Now that my children are grown ths is time for me.

This is what happened in my marriage exactly. Ex got involved with someone who would have been 9 at our wedding (married in our early 30s). She got pregnant, he left, now has more kids. She is SAHM (I never was), and they live in a huge house and drive leased cars. I saved and we loved a modest life. Now he can no longer save for retirement, but he can finally feel like the big shot he thinks he is. I loved him, but thought of us as equals. She thinks he hangs the moon and that getting caught up with him was a gift from God (she is also VERY RELIGIOUS). Whatever. I think he is pathetic. I am closer to my kids than ever and they will be off to uni in 2 years. He has a newborn. It is insane.

I’m a second wife although I want to stress he was already divorced before we got together. We have 3 kids together conceived in his late 40s. My DH loves having a family. He had stepchildren and his own child from his first marriage, he really just wanted to have a family again.

He’d have more if he was younger but he accepted he is now too old really (mid 50s). Ironically his health has improved since having kids because he no longer drinks or smokes. Plus he’s running around after primary age kids.

I quite liked knowing that when our eldest was born he knew exactly how to change a nappy and was very much hands on, he even took 6 months paternity leave. He is currently getting 3 kids ready for school whilst I chill with a cup of tea.

I guess it’s a luxury men have, that they are not limited by biology. He will freely admit that he gets exhausted by them, but doesn’t really mind.

I think the ones who do start again in order to keep a younger wife are idiots. But some really do embrace second fatherhood.

I work with a man who has young children in his 50s with his new wife. He is really happy though, he might be putting it on for show, but it's been a few years now and that would be quite a charade to keep up with. I know his adult daughter as well, who has nothing to do with him (her choice), her and his ex wife are always posting about him on social media and telling anyone who will listen how miserable he must be, sounds tedious.

Also not uncommon for men to have a vasectomy when they split from their wives as they are so worried about dating again and the possibility of accidental pregnancies.

My ex was reluctant to have a vasectomy despite being clear he wanted no more children. I wondered whether he was hoping for a second bite at the cherry with someone else. He finally got one after it became clear that the “natural” birth control method we had been using was unreliable.

I’m relieved he did. I understand second marriages with children work for some people, but he was not a great dad to our children and the idea of him fawning over a second wife and children now he’s much better off would only hurt our children more, I think. I think he might well have been the type to do it.

Poor hapless fuckers.

This is what happens when they think with their dicks.

Caitlin Moran writes about this. Middle aged men can basically do the middle stage of life again. Women cannot so are fire forced to forge ahead with a new third stage focussing on themselves. Plus often women do the grunt work of small kids do who wants to go back to that? Know what I would prefer!

Dh met several men like this at his cycling club there was a lot of moaning about having toddlers again - he wasn’t sympathetic...

Maybe some looked for someone younger not just for the beauty or whatever is the contemptuous reason y’all sneer at but, actually for the ability to bear a child?
Lots of "maybes" in your post - but my post was based not on maybes, but on what my exh told his OW and what he told me. While wooing his OW, he went along with her talk about babies - even claiming that I had prevented him from his dream of having a third child. (In fact, we had agreed we did not have enough money for a third child, and I was the one who was sad about it.) His affair was discovered, we divorced - during this process we met for coffee one day and he was talking about a colleague his age who'd become a father, and how awful it must be to be 50 with a 5yo. I pointed out that that would be him, if he had a child with the exOW. He made it clear that he did not have the cash or inclination to have another child. It lasted another year after that I think - she was 39 by then and no doubt mightily pissed off with him breaking his promises.
The speculation on my part is that some men are not such dreadful liars as my exh, and actually go through with the promises they make when they are in the honeymoon phase, even if it is not actually their dream.