Thoughts on men leaping into second marriages and babies

[awalkbythesea]

I'm intrigued more than anything...

My ex husband of 25 years had an affair, got the lady pregnant and got married with the year. We have children together who are in their twenties. He now has toddlers and is 55 years old.

I've noticed that a few of our friends are in the same scenario. Husband has affair with younger woman, gets her pregnant and marries immediately. The ex wives, on the other hand, seem happy on their own, lose weight, take up the gym/yoga and enjoy not having to wake up to a grumpy man each morning.

Do you think men just need to be "needed"? I can't for one moment imagine that my ex thought he'd be changing nappies again at 55? !

This is probably a cultural thing. In mine it isn’t considered socially acceptable for a man in his 50s to marry a woman in her 20s ever.

Those having second families in their late 40's and early 50's often have more time, and can afford to work less due to the point they are in their career. So basically wife one does all the child rearing and home stuff, then he gets to actually parent family 2. And no- not a bitter ex wife, but this seems to be the trend. More time can be spent with the second family than the kids ever got in the first marriage.

I don’t think they need to be needed as such, they’re attracted by the lure of a new relationship but before they know it they have babies and toddlers again, but what a price to pay, way too high!

I personally would be absolutely horrified be doing all that again when I already have kids at in their late teens. So lol.

Personally can’t think of much worse than going back to baby years! If dh did yes part of me would laugh 😁

Those having second families in their late 40's and early 50's often have more time, and can afford to work less due to the point they are in their career.

This is true. MN often points out the benefits of having old parents when couple in her 40s is having a baby as opposed to being a younger parents and that people are in good shape and aging better etc, so no problem with being in your 60s with a teenager. I often agree so I do tend to disagree that all these dads in their 40s and 50s are miserable as having financial security means a lot of freedom and as has been pointed out, women do the bulk of the grunt work with regards to small children and carry the pregnancies so even second time dads or first time dads in their 40s get a better deal than first time mums in their 40s. I also think being around children whether as a parent of GP keeps you young running after them.

Insisting all older dads are miserable starting again sounds a little bit biased and wishful thinking. MN is quick to defend a woman in her mid to late forties wanting to undergo fertility treatment to have a baby at 45/46/47.That undoubtedly is more exhausting carrying a pregnancy than just being a dad at the same age. It's a double standard on MN, women in their 40s are as young, active/better mums, not obese or phone obsessed like mums in their 20s, but men in their 40s are too old to be dads if they date/marry a younger woman.

@Notanotherter

Those having second families in their late 40's and early 50's often have more time, and can afford to work less due to the point they are in their career.

This is true. MN often points out the benefits of having old parents when couple in her 40s is having a baby as opposed to being a younger parents and that people are in good shape and aging better etc, so no problem with being in your 60s with a teenager. I often agree so I do tend to disagree that all these dads in their 40s and 50s are miserable as having financial security means a lot of freedom and as has been pointed out, women do the bulk of the grunt work with regards to small children and carry the pregnancies so even second time dads or first time dads in their 40s get a better deal than first time mums in their 40s. I also think being around children whether as a parent of GP keeps you young running after them.

Insisting all older dads are miserable starting again sounds a little bit biased and wishful thinking. MN is quick to defend a woman in her mid to late forties wanting to undergo fertility treatment to have a baby at 45/46/47.That undoubtedly is more exhausting carrying a pregnancy than just being a dad at the same age. It's a double standard on MN, women in their 40s are as young, active/better mums, not obese or phone obsessed like mums in their 20s, but men in their 40s are too old to be dads if they date/marry a younger woman.

Women who can conceive naturally or have IVF work for them in their 40s and are able to carry and deliver a baby to term are usually the most healthy. And these are solid markers for longevity (see the telomere effect). Any man who produces sperm can have kids with a much younger woman and they don’t have to be healthy to do it.

Women who can conceive naturally or have IVF work for them in their 40s and are able to carry and deliver a baby to term are usually the most healthy. And these are solid markers for longevity (see the telomere effect). Any man who produces sperm can have kids with a much younger woman and they don’t have to be healthy to do it.

Maybe true, but the same 50 year old having DC with a woman in her mid to late 40s isn't deemed old or unhealthy when he is having a child with the woman in her 40s only if he chooses to have DC with a woman in her 30s does he suddenly become old, at risk of dying early etc.. but if you point out the exact arguments that are being made about dads in their 40s and 50s here, in a conversation on MN about woman in their mid 40s trying to conceive, then that is automatically discounted as each of these couples are super fit and in better shape than most 20 year old so being a parent in their 60s with school age children is not a worry/common in their circle.

I'm just pointing out that the age of the men only seems to be a problem on MN when they choose to procreate with younger women.

Men also have the advantage of being able to improve the quality of their sperm if they improve their health and diet relatively quickly. Most men married to younger women tend to watch their health better too, esp if TTC.

I don’t agree that having kids late keeps you young at all. Or that running around after them as GP keeps you young either. If you’re already fit and healthy then it won’t harm you but I would argue you need to be fit and healthy in the first place to run around with them. I see lots of exhausted GP doing childcare and although they enjoy it they’re not necessarily glowing with vitality as a result!

Though I agree that being able to conceive in your 40s could be an indicator of good health generally, I don’t think actually having the baby improves your looks/health. At least I haven’t seen any examples of that irl.

Friends of mine who’ve had babies in their mid 40s always seem hyper aware of their age. At social gatherings they often feel the need to point out that they’re ‘older’ mums, almost as if they’re apologising for it somehow. It’s obviously an issue for them even though no-one else cares. But they’re very aware of their age relative to younger mums and definitely not feeling young.

You should have a baby in your 40s because you want to, not because you think it will keep you young!

Different situation from yours op but I read recently that when a man refuses to marry and have kids with a first partner but then goes off with a younger model and promptly marries and has kids, it isn't necessarily that he suddenly wants kids or marriage, but that he feels that the younger woman is too good for him so might leave him and he needs to do something extra to keep her. Your ex may not have wanted kids but felt compelled to have them. Make sure you flaunt your life of freedom to him.

I was one of these relatively 'younger women' - but NOT an OW. His wife had left him more than a year before he asked me out.
Picsinred is spot on. I was vulnerable and didn't see that he was just a taker until it was too late. We had 1 DC when he was 50, split up when little one was 4, now I feel so so stupid...

Not many women want to start a shiny new family in their forties after walking out on their teens from their first marriage.

Also from personal observation I reckon there does come a point when men stop screwing around because they’re too old and not rich enough to continue.

From personal observation FIL chose SMIL also as she’s from a wealthy upper class background. He absolutely loathed his poor background, he was incredibly clever and worked very hard to move up and obtain the education and career he did. Think MIL reminds him of that too as she’s the same as him super clever and worked her socks off to carve a career when women couldn’t get past a certain level. And from a very poor background.

But with SMIL & their DC he can share her background instead.

FIL has a very polite relationship with his older DC. He tends to throw money at problems. Which has turned SIL into a pretty granny persona who measures love by the value of gifts she’s given.

Grabby not granny

@Notanotherter

Men also have the advantage of being able to improve the quality of their sperm if they improve their health and diet relatively quickly. Most men married to younger women tend to watch their health better too, esp if TTC.

There are links with old sperm and several serious MH conditions and Childhood cancers. So much so that IVF clinics have age limits for sperm use too (it’s usually 40).

I'm a second wife. I'm 12 years younger than DHs first wife. I'm sure she thinks he's crazy having more kids but he genuinely wanted them. He is a high earner and missed so much the first time around because he was always travelling. He's older now and has adapted his work to mean he can work from home 80% of the time so he does school runs etc. But he was in his 40s not 50s when ours were born.

There are links with old sperm and several serious MH conditions and Childhood cancers. So much so that IVF clinics have age limits for sperm use too (it’s usually 40).

Yes that is true. There definitely is a much higher risk of developmental issues when both parties are older. I keep labouring this point not because I'm in favour of these second families but it's better in an example.

My friend is early 30s and her DH is in his early 50s. He is in relatively good shape and a keen jogger. He was married to his first wife for 14 years but with her probably 20 years and they struggled to conceive, and were still undergoing fertility treatment in their 40s.

They divorced and he met my friend shortly after and they had two DC quite quickly as he was keen to start a family. She has since been the recipient of horrid messages from ex-wife and some of their mutual friends saying her DH will die soon and leave her DC fatherless and he is too old/unhealthy to have such young DC and could drop dead any second, or he will be a pensioner with school age kids. I don't feel sorry for her DH, who knows what horrible things he did to his ex-wife to make her act out like this (people don't usually do or say random hurtful things unless there was an issue to begin with, perhaps he was still married when he started dating friend or misled his ex about getting back together etc.), but feel for my friend and find it amusing that his ex and friends where supportive of a couple in their 40s TTC and if successful their DC would have had two older parents going through the same alleged health issues her DH is guaranteed to suffer from now, so arguably worse off as both parents could drop dead any second, but her DH and his ex were healthy and fit enough to TTC, but her DH is suddenly now too old and unhealthy because he had DC 2ith a 30 something old not his ex in her 40s/50s.

@Notanotherter

There are links with old sperm and several serious MH conditions and Childhood cancers. So much so that IVF clinics have age limits for sperm use too (it’s usually 40).

Yes that is true. There definitely is a much higher risk of developmental issues when both parties are older. I keep labouring this point not because I'm in favour of these second families but it's better in an example.

My friend is early 30s and her DH is in his early 50s. He is in relatively good shape and a keen jogger. He was married to his first wife for 14 years but with her probably 20 years and they struggled to conceive, and were still undergoing fertility treatment in their 40s.

They divorced and he met my friend shortly after and they had two DC quite quickly as he was keen to start a family. She has since been the recipient of horrid messages from ex-wife and some of their mutual friends saying her DH will die soon and leave her DC fatherless and he is too old/unhealthy to have such young DC and could drop dead any second, or he will be a pensioner with school age kids. I don't feel sorry for her DH, who knows what horrible things he did to his ex-wife to make her act out like this (people don't usually do or say random hurtful things unless there was an issue to begin with, perhaps he was still married when he started dating friend or misled his ex about getting back together etc.), but feel for my friend and find it amusing that his ex and friends where supportive of a couple in their 40s TTC and if successful their DC would have had two older parents going through the same alleged health issues her DH is guaranteed to suffer from now, so arguably worse off as both parents could drop dead any second, but her DH and his ex were healthy and fit enough to TTC, but her DH is suddenly now too old and unhealthy because he had DC 2ith a 30 something old not his ex in her 40s/50s.

I’m guessing they’re just trying to hit him where it hurts because he strung the ex along for so many years and then dumped her for a ‘breedable model’? A lot of IVF occurs because one party (usually the man) isn’t ready until the woman is a lot older and so by then it leaves a tiny window of opportunity to fix fertility issues. If he then split with her in the middle of fertility treatment it could have meant she was unable to have kids as a result.

But no such problems for him because he deliberatelt got himself a younger partner and was able to become a father pronto.

For a lot of men it is absolutely that they need to feel needed.
Their children might have flown the nest, his wife might have grown into an independent woman (no longer in the 'mum' role, but now starting to spend time on herself), and they think that there's no role left for them. That sounds ridiculous to us women, but it just seems to be a thing for a lot of men. I have a theory that the more hands-on they were as dads when the children were young (taking the children to clubs, playing around in waterparks, playing football, etc.) the greater they feel the loss of being 'needed'.
They are so foolish because they don't recognise they are still needed, but in a different way. It's very sad.
Because they feel bereft, that is one reason why they can get drawn to the younger woman. Because it reminds them of the time they were needed in the way they remember.

I’m guessing they’re just trying to hit him where it hurts because he strung the ex along for so many years and then dumped her for a ‘breedable model’?
Friend tells me they were actively TTC from early on in their relationship and had an early miscarriage only to find the ex had fertility issues, so the IVF was over a long period and tens of thousands of pounds if not over 100k not so much due to misleading or postponing starting a family as some are victim to. He seems to have ended his marriage because his ex could not conceive and he had no issues and felt he had tried everything to have a child with her and failed. I don't blame his ex for feeling the way she does.

I don't think he is particularly innocent but it was very obvious the reasons for the end of the marriage and that he would definitely find someone who could give him children quickly.
I agree with your assessment of hitting where it hurts and the argument of age being a massive factor. My only point is we really do focus on the complications of being an older parent when a man has a younger partner but focus on the good bits of older parents like financial security, more time and flexibility etc when the man has an older partner in her 40s.

@Notanotherter

I’m guessing they’re just trying to hit him where it hurts because he strung the ex along for so many years and then dumped her for a ‘breedable model’? Friend tells me they were actively TTC from early on in their relationship and had an early miscarriage only to find the ex had fertility issues, so the IVF was over a long period and tens of thousands of pounds if not over 100k not so much due to misleading or postponing starting a family as some are victim to. He seems to have ended his marriage because his ex could not conceive and he had no issues and felt he had tried everything to have a child with her and failed. I don't blame his ex for feeling the way she does.

I don't think he is particularly innocent but it was very obvious the reasons for the end of the marriage and that he would definitely find someone who could give him children quickly.
I agree with your assessment of hitting where it hurts and the argument of age being a massive factor. My only point is we really do focus on the complications of being an older parent when a man has a younger partner but focus on the good bits of older parents like financial security, more time and flexibility etc when the man has an older partner in her 40s.

I think it’s because women (particularly first time mums) in their 40s often do have age related insecurity any way which is crazy as we live (on the whole) longer and healthier lives than men and can reasonably hope to see our children well to adulthood even if we had a baby at 50. I know I did and I wasn’t even that old - late 30s.

I do feel for the ex though. Seems like your friend’s OH used her and your friend to have kids. Not sure I’d want to be in your friend’s position with teenagers, older parents and an older dp to take care of / manage.

I think a lot has to do with whether they already have kids. If they don't I don't think it is as bad, but with some men they will be raising kids for 40 + years
I also think 50's is WAY too old and I think while some men look good then it is really the time that aging starts to accelerates. I see it with my own DH who looks 10 + years younger - his whole family do but for the first time his age is catching up with him
I would laugh for socks off if my DH left me for another women and started having babies again in his mid 50's. He is a great Dad and LOVES kids but Jesus do you really want to be doing the school gate at 60.. grim.

Interestingly when I worked with older high net worth clients when the first marriage broke down the men pretty much all re married women of a similar ish age usually no more than a few years younger and in the same social circle. Was quite surprised the cliche of rich old man and much younger woman didn’t seem to happen. Guess the lure of good company and no more babies won over a pert bottom 😁

@MsTSwift

Interestingly when I worked with older high net worth clients when the first marriage broke down the men pretty much all re married women of a similar ish age usually no more than a few years younger and in the same social circle. Was quite surprised the cliche of rich old man and much younger woman didn’t seem to happen. Guess the lure of good company and no more babies won over a pert bottom 😁

I work in investment banking and see something similar. Usually, in my experience, even divorces are rare but where they happen it’s the first wife who’s younger and a SAHP and the second one who is their age and in a prestigious occupation.

Yeah this happened to my parents.

Dad left mum at 48, after 25 years of marriage for someone else. Has been the other woman (20 years younger) for 3 years now, and fair enough they do seem to love eachother. She has four kids from a prev relationship - 4, 5, 8 and 12 years old. It's very weird as I'm 25, younger brother is 18 and older sister is 30.
My dad has very much taken on the role of father to them, their dads aren't involved. So he now has 7 children essentially, ages 4 to 30, at age 51. I wouldn't be surprised if they have more kids together to cement their relationship as they talk about it all the time. I'd feel weird about it as his grandchildren will be older than his children!

Weird setup.

Like your post, my mum on the other hand has been happily single for nearly 4 years now. Does her own thing, works hard and owns a business with a friend.

I agree with the poster who said it's the price of having/keeping a younger partner/wife.

I have a male friend from uni. Was good looking, fairly successful, a bit cocky. Always says he'd never marry or have children. He had a long relationship with a lovely woman but she left in the end because she wanted marriage and children. He set out to find a new young attractive partner and suddenly realised that most of the women he dated wanted the same as his ex and their "currency" as a partner was higher than his as a result of their youth and attractiveness. Er, he's now married with a child.