I want a dog and DH doesn't

[iwantadogdhdoesnt]

Here goes ..... I really, really want a dog. I'm an animal person and always have been, it's integral to who I am. DH is not. I would do 100% of care for said dog. When pressed he says maybe towards the end of the year we can get a dog but not now. On occasion he has admitted he's just not a dog person so I fear his just not now actually means never (he said he wanted to get engaged for 8 years before he actually asked me so he has form for delaying)

The back story - we have had a serious conversation about this twice now. I have ended up really upset and have said I don't think this is just about the dog. I think this is indicative of a power imbalance in our relationship. Whether he admits it or not, he earns all the money, I'm a SAHM and there has been a subtle shift over the years that he has the final say on a lot of things (always disguised as a discussion though).

We are in the perfect spot to get a dog, kids old enough to be sensible but also desperate for a dog, financially very secure, I'm at home all day and we have a great house/garden for a dog. This keeps coming up (as I keep looking at digs for sale) and I'm increasingly feeling a lot of resentment that his wants trump the rest of us. Thoughts please? (And before anyone says it I've had two interviews last week and I'm headed back to work part time ASAP)

I’d say if one person in the relationship doesn’t want dog then that has to be respected. It’s a massive commitment even if the other person says they’ll do everything.
I would 100% not want a dog in my house even if my husband took care of them completely. I just don’t like dogs I my personal space.
Sounds like there’s other problems in your relationship though.

"financially very secure"

Hmm, I'd focus on making sure you are as you don't sound particularly happy.

As for the dog, it's not about the care of the dog it is about living with one. I know I couldn't, I describe myself as "not a dog person" but the truth is I honestly can't stand dogs.

I don't think it is fair to have an animal unless everyone wants one.

But you should have equal say in all decisions. I would address that and look at getting back to work.

You can't expect a non-dog person to live with a dog.

You don’t need a dog you need a job. Being a SAHP only works if you husband sees you as an equal. Making unilateral decisions only works if you are single.

@Canoenewbie Thanks for your comment it's made me think. I would describe us as happy day to day, until this issue comes up. I do feel like it's representative of a bigger problem but as others have pointed out, maybe It's just not fair to ask a non dog person to get a dog?

I would never have a dog. I like other people's well enough but even if I didn't have to do any of the work I wouldn't want to share my home with one.

When he says maybe later in the year is that him putting off an awkward conversation? Or is he hoping to want to do it but the reality is he doesn't?

It is a shame that you aren't on the same page as very difficult for either of you to compromise. I think it is unfair to get a dog if he doesn't want to. But also feel it is sad for you to never have a dog when you really want one.

@Canoenewbie To add, we looked after a friends dog recently partially as an experiment, and he said he liked having her around, couldn't believe how well behaved she was and that the house was quiet when she had gone home 🤷🏻‍♀️

LTB If he doesn't like dogs he's i not a keeper 😂

I don’t know. I would never have a dog. But my entire extended family know this, relative strangers know this, my colleagues know this. My dh certainly knows this, and has known this long before he married me. I’d never say maybe about having a dog. I’d be pretty pissed off if he said maybe about something to me and he meant not if hell froze over.

@Skyliner001 I may have said during the last "discussion" "how the hell did I end up marrying someone who doesn't like animals?!" 😳

@LemonTT I think there's an element of truth in what you say, hence the interviews this week. I think by May I'll be back at work. But I'll still want a dog?

The person who doesn't want to get a dog trumps the one who does.

Same as the person who doesn't want a child / another child trumps the one who does.

And the person who doesn't want to have sex trumps the one who does.

Some things need consent from both parties.

A dog is a massive commitment for anyone but even worse when one person doesn’t want one

@I0NA This is the exact discussion we had about finding out the gender of the kids (and some other things), it was agreed that if one didn't want to know that had to trump the other. So the general consensus is I can't ever have a dog? I may have to LTB 😉

@I0NA Argghhhh, I mean sex of the children before anyone jumps down my throat

As a couple those kinds of decisions should be joint if you live together. I like animals but have never had a dog. My DH grew up with several dogs. We don't have one, not that I would rule it out forever, but were too busy with work etc and I feel it would be a chore. But there again, he has never pressed me to get one. (We have cats and agree on those).

Looking after a friend's dog is not the same thing at all. Like having a niece or nephew to stay when you don't have kids. There's no long term commitment to anything.

I think you DH is entitled to have his pov respected. But maybe it's not the real issue in your relationship?

@Onelifeonly I'm struggling with what the issue is to be honest. Day to day we are very very happy. We discuss decisions and come to an agreement. So maybe I'm complicating things. Maybe it is as simple as I want a dog and I'm cross that he doesn't and I have to respect that decision?

If you're going back to work very soon, now probably isn't a great time even if you both wanted a dog.

A pet should only be brought into a house if everyone living there want it.
I understand your desire for a dog- I am not a dog person- but love my cat.
You sound like you are feeling resentful and frustrated. Going back to work would be a good thing but not really compatible with getting a dog.

DH and I both quite wanted a dog and thought it would be good for dc.
We both grew up with dogs.

Having a dog as an adult is totally different to having it as a dc.
The dc do love the dog.
I am glad that we got him for them.

But I would never have another and neither would DH, it is a massive, tying commitment.

Part time? How long is the dog going to be left then?

Dogs restrict where you can go and how long you can go for. Your husband will be affected by that even if you do all the walking/shit picking/feeding/vet. And then there's the smell, chewing and hair..

I got my dog after almost 20 yrs in a relationship with a non-dog person. It was the DCs that swung it.
I do most of the work, feeding & walking, responsible for vet care, training etc. I carefully chose the dog type - medium size, short coat, non-drooly, not too manic, very athletic. I work v hard at training to make sure he's an obedient dog.
We're a very active family & DH does do canicross with the dog & we do lots of outdoor activities which dog meshes in with well - pub visits not so much, yet.
Summary - DH now loves our dog (still not other dogs) but we were incredibly fortunate to get through pup & teen stages without too much angst, & we have a calm, active, well trained dog. If he was more hard work, DH would be seriously pissed off.
I wish we had TWO dogs, but even I can see where the line is drawn.

If he doesn’t want one, don’t do it. I convinced my DH to get one and it has caused an absolute shit storm since. I wouldn’t be surprised if he leaves me over it, it’s that bad.

I told my then boyfriend that if he ever proposed it would be on the understanding that he was agreeing to have a dog (he didn't like them at all) to me it was as much of a deal breaker as the children discussion. I couldn't have a life without a dog.
He proposed, we have dogs.