I want a dog and DH doesn't

[iwantadogdhdoesnt]

Here goes ..... I really, really want a dog. I'm an animal person and always have been, it's integral to who I am. DH is not. I would do 100% of care for said dog. When pressed he says maybe towards the end of the year we can get a dog but not now. On occasion he has admitted he's just not a dog person so I fear his just not now actually means never (he said he wanted to get engaged for 8 years before he actually asked me so he has form for delaying)

The back story - we have had a serious conversation about this twice now. I have ended up really upset and have said I don't think this is just about the dog. I think this is indicative of a power imbalance in our relationship. Whether he admits it or not, he earns all the money, I'm a SAHM and there has been a subtle shift over the years that he has the final say on a lot of things (always disguised as a discussion though).

We are in the perfect spot to get a dog, kids old enough to be sensible but also desperate for a dog, financially very secure, I'm at home all day and we have a great house/garden for a dog. This keeps coming up (as I keep looking at digs for sale) and I'm increasingly feeling a lot of resentment that his wants trump the rest of us. Thoughts please? (And before anyone says it I've had two interviews last week and I'm headed back to work part time ASAP)

@murbblurb I'd put the idea of getting a dog to bed when I decided to go back to work. This evening I've seen an older dog advertised so would avoid the puppy stage. I would also have a daily dog Walker so the dog wouldn't be alone for more than 3 hours at a time. Is this ok for you?

Sorry, if he doesn’t ever want a dog then you can either leave him or never have a dog.

Have you considered cats?

I’m not a dog person and would really struggle if DH insisted on getting a dog (we have cats).

However I agree with others that this may be indicative of a broader issue. Being a SAHM should NOT mean that the working partner gets the final say in every decision.

Would it be enough for you and the kids to do something like BorrowMyDoggy.com, so you get regular dog walking & playing time but without the commitment of needing to pay vet bills or find kennels when you (at some point in the future!) go on holiday?

What will you do with the dog whilst you are at work? Surely you’re better getting a dog then once you’ve trained and settled it into your family going back to work? I have a 7 month old pup and it’s been really hard work, that’s with 2 of us doing the work with him.

As for your husband getting to make the rules - did you both decide you were to stay at home with your kids? Doesn’t he appreciate you’ve perhaps sacrifice your career to care for the kids until they are old enough to not need you home all the time? I think some men think sahm are just sitting at home spending their money: if it’s a choice you both made equally you need to sort out this power imbalance as he sounds like he’s enjoying controlling you all, I couldn’t live like that. I hope you can get your dog though, we lost our boy last year and this dog was supposed to be a friend for him however he’s filled a gap in the family.

@milinhas Hideously allergic to cats, limited in what dog breeds I can have

IF this is actually about a dog (not just him willy waving) ask him WHY not now, after having your friends dog, that he enjoyed & missed when she went?! Because otherwise it just feels like fob off. Later in the year? Summer or winter? Now is an ideal time, weather wise to get a dog, especially a puppy.

But if this is going much deeper than that, don't add a dog into the mix. Really think about your relationship & if you still want to be married to him, because if you don't, the last thing you need is a dog complicating issues (hours you can work/rental that allows a dog etc) but once you've sorted your life you can get a dog if you want to.

I LOVE dogs, I really want one, but I can't have one right now. It is hard, but at least it's my decision so I can't really resent anyone for it.

However, a dog is still a massive game changer even if the other person 'does' everything. It limits days out/holidays/there's disagreements about being allowed on the furniture, time spent walking/training/spoiling that takes away from family time. I think 'not wanting one is understandable'.

FWIW I know two couples where the man was adamant they didn’t want a dog and the woman did, they ended up getting one on the proviso she did all the work - and the dog ended up being Man’s Best Friend, both besotted with their dogs, so there is a chance that he’d change his mind if you did get one.

However, I’m not a dog person and would be really annoyed if my DP got a dog. I hate the smell, I wouldn’t want to be tied to the dog 24/7 and having to go out for walks every morning and evening whether or not you feel like it, having dog hair on everything you own etc. Annoying enough when it’s a pet you actually want, but if it’s one you didn’t choose it would be so annoying and could put an unnecessary strain on your relationship.

My partner doesn’t like animals and was very anti-pets. I do like animals. So I compromised and got 2 dogs, 7 lizards, 2 terrapins, 2 snakes, a koi pond and 7 chickens. They’ve grown on him over the years and says he wouldn’t be without them now, it was actually him who suggested dog number 2

I know you say you'll do one per cent of the care but it's way more than that. They are a lot of work and even with you doing it all it changes how the whole household lives.

If he's not a dog person (which I wasn't for a very very long time) he will quickly get fed up having to adjust his routines etc for a dog he was clear he didn't want and if you ever end up in a position where you can't meet the dogs needs, such as health conditions, then it's his responsibility to meet the dogs needs and I agree with the others, if one person does not like dogs then no dog should be brought to the household.

It's not just the looking after it, it's the tie that affects how long you can all be out of the house without the dog, holidays etc. If I didn't want a dog, I'd resent the heck out of the inconvenience.

Well firstly everyone in the house has to wait a dog or it’s not fair on anyone, including the dog.
Also, if you are planning on returning to work soon it’s not a good idea as you dint know what hours etc you will be working yet.
Maybe there are other issues you need to work on but no, unfortunately you can’t get a dog

@category12 I think that's a lot of his reluctance. Our lives have just started getting easier as the children have got older, we've bought our forever house etc and he doesn't want to make things harder again with a puppy. We don't really take holidays as DH is always at work. we don't really see him Mon-Fri but if we did go away we can well afford a pet sitter/or have friends who have dogs who will dog sit for us

Also I have never know a house with a dog that didn’t smell of dog . I hate the smell of dog. I hate dog shit too.

Also, I have a dog (but waited until the kids were older to get one) because I love dogs. However, mine is small and easy to manage. I'm now in a serious relationship with someone who has a big dog and causes quite a lot of destruction and mess in the house (just from the sheer size of him and his enthusiasm). I don't want to live with a man for years yet as some of my kids are still at home, but as much as he's a lovely dog, I'm not sure I want to cope with all the mess all the time.

It's why I wouldn't have a cat again. I used to have a cat and the hair and the litter tray was extra work that I don't want to do anymore.

@Crappyfridays7 DH says that my job is the important one for our family, he just earns the money, he says I keep the whole show on the road. He's really supportive about me going back to work even though overall we will be losing money when I go back. I'm starting to think maybe it is really just that he doesn't want a dog and I have to respect that 😔

I dislike dogs with a passion, the smell, the slobber, the jumping up, the shit, the barking, the whining and whimpering, the way they take over your life.

If my DH wanted a dog it would be a case of me or the dog. If he got a dog I would leave and the marriage would be over, simple as that.

If someone dislikes dogs then all the arguments you're putting forward don't cut any ice at all I'm afraid.

Why is it that you want a dog?

Tell him that you are suffering from "empty nest syndrome" as the children are older and in school all day. If he is adamant about not getting a dog, suggest another child. A baby in the house would replace a dog and you can't have both.
See how long it takes him to decide the time is right for a dog.

I think you have to accept his wishes, he doesnt want a dog. What else is there to say really.

@GeorgiaGirl52 I'd rather chew off my own arm than have another baby and DH has a vasectomy booked next month. But I do genuinely wonder if the desire for a dog is particularly strong now as I want something else to look after/love

You and the kids can sign up to Borrow My Doggy. Give it a whirl, you never know!

www.borrowmydoggy.com/

@De88 I want that unique connection you can only get with an animal. I want to do the training to have an obedient, well trained dog, I would find that immensely satisfying. I want something that is "for me". I want a dog to teach my children about responsibility and truly unconditional love. I want to give a dog a really great home. I've had dogs in the past and I know what I'm letting myself in for. I really feel like I'm missing a bit of myself not having one

@CuriousaboutSamphire I'm not in the UK but I'll look at similar websites for where we are. We do look after our friends dog quite regularly but Me and the kids are so sad every time she leaves

My dd2 cried and cried for a dog. Dh and I talked it over and decided we'd get one, well aware that it would fall to us to do most (all) of the care. She is actually very good with him and does loads.

But it turns out dh is NOT a dog person (both of us thought we were neutral - bizarrely it turns out I AM a dog person!) and just having the dog about annoys him if he's tired or stressed. I can't walk ddog as I'm disabled but I do everything else when dd2 is at school/now college/with friends.

Please don't get a dog if he already says he's not a dog person, it's really not fair on the dog. We have developed routines (eg in the evening ddog snuggles up to me on the sofa because although he belongs to dd, he's really my dog) and dh has got his own ways of coping with the walks he needs to do. Him and ddog go "wombling" not walking and he's cleared up lots of areas of local woods by taking a bin bag and a litter picker along - he's always been someone who does this on a walk! But he'd rather do it without the dog.

Dog is happy and of course loves dh beyond all reason, and I wouldn't be without him now. But if I could go back I wouldn't get him. He'd have been happy elsewhere and dh would have one less layer of stress. We'll never have another one.

We have other pets (cat, rabbits, guinea pigs) and dh loves them all, feeds and cleans out, cuddles and treats) and dh isn't a monster. He's just REALLY not a dog person!