I want a dog and DH doesn't

[iwantadogdhdoesnt]

Here goes ..... I really, really want a dog. I'm an animal person and always have been, it's integral to who I am. DH is not. I would do 100% of care for said dog. When pressed he says maybe towards the end of the year we can get a dog but not now. On occasion he has admitted he's just not a dog person so I fear his just not now actually means never (he said he wanted to get engaged for 8 years before he actually asked me so he has form for delaying)

The back story - we have had a serious conversation about this twice now. I have ended up really upset and have said I don't think this is just about the dog. I think this is indicative of a power imbalance in our relationship. Whether he admits it or not, he earns all the money, I'm a SAHM and there has been a subtle shift over the years that he has the final say on a lot of things (always disguised as a discussion though).

We are in the perfect spot to get a dog, kids old enough to be sensible but also desperate for a dog, financially very secure, I'm at home all day and we have a great house/garden for a dog. This keeps coming up (as I keep looking at digs for sale) and I'm increasingly feeling a lot of resentment that his wants trump the rest of us. Thoughts please? (And before anyone says it I've had two interviews last week and I'm headed back to work part time ASAP)

Dog or wife?

Have you ever actually had a dog OP? It's a miserable waste of time and money.

Wife, no
Dog - yes, maybe when I retire

Fostering?

There is a huge amount of good you can do - the training you want to do will help a fostered dog massively to adapt and settle into their permanent home. Plus, training multiple animals is the best way to improve training skills.

But the commitment is not forever, so there will be periods of time between dogs when a dog is not imposing on the rest of the family.

Even with fostering, though, everyone has to be in agreement to do it. It's not fair to ask a dog to live in a home where one person doesn't want him/her there.

Having a dog is a huge commitment and a tie. I love my pup and have had him 3 years and I still struggle with not being able to do spontaneous things without considering the dog! The kid is FAR more portable and accepted everywhere. For me the benefits outweigh the just general pain in the arsedness of being a dog owner but I’d fully respect anyone who didn’t feel that way!

Dogs are a huge commitment. I know you say he liked looking after a friends' dog, but it's very different when a) you know it's temporary and b) it's a trained, calm, obedient adult and not an unruly, messy, loud, destructive, bitey puppy.

We have a dog and he's three now - it's only in the last 6-8 months or so that it's become "easy". I wouldn't want to do it without DH's complete support. Walking and looking after a dog seven days a week is a big commitment. You can't just "take a day off". The dog needs feeding, walking, toileting and and looking after no matter how shit and tired you feel.

Trust me - you don't want to be doing 100% of the work. You'll soon resent DH when you're up for the third time in a night, or the puppy has chewed the fifth pair of shoes that week.

Or become a borrower through Borrowmydoggy? Ddog gets walked by a few people and looked after by someone when we are on holiday.
I'd happily join it when we don't have our only ddog as you get most of the upsides of dog ownership without the cost or omnipresence issue.

Get a cat instead?

If you are looking for work, now is not the right time to get a puppy. They are also ridiculously expensive at the moment. You may be able to get a rescue dog in a couple of years from someone who's circumstances have changed.

I actually love dogs, but I absolutely would not want to live with one even if someone else was doing 100% of the care. Getting a goldfish that can be tucked away in a corner if someone isn't keen is one thing, getting an animal that freely roams around the house and garden is another.

I'm an animal person and always have been, it's integral to who I am. DH is not.

You knew this when you married him, and you also knew he's "hideously" allergic to cats. You are being completely unreasonable and ridiculous. If having animals is really so "integral" to who you are, you clearly picked the wrong man.

@Aquamarine1029

I'm an animal person and always have been, it's integral to who I am. DH is not.

You knew this when you married him, and you also knew he's "hideously" allergic to cats. You are being completely unreasonable and ridiculous. If having animals is really so "integral" to who you are, you clearly picked the wrong man.

Yeah, I have to agree with this, tbh.

I've always had cats and I knew I always wanted a dog. I wouldn't have moved in with someone who disagreed with my attitude to pets, let alone got to the point of marriage and DC.

We got our first kitten within a month of getting together

I do find it odd that so many animal (or dog) lovers marry or live with someone who doesn't like animals.

Do people not talk about things before they marry or move in together? Would someone who hated children marry someone who loved them and wanted them?

I met DH when he was walking one of his dogs. I stopped to stroke the dog, we got talking and 5 months later we got married.

In those 5 months (a lot less time than the majority of people spend before marrying or moving in together) we discussed whether we wanted children or not, what pets we wanted (cats and dogs), what sort of area we wanted to live (country, city etc).

I could never have married someone who didn't love animals and wouldn't want any pets. We have had loads of pets over the years - mice, hamsters, gerbils, pygmy hedgehog, rabbits, guinea pigs. In 40 years we have had around 24 cats (mainly rescues) and 10 dogs (mainly rescues).

@Aquamarine1029 He's not allergic, I am!

I don't think we did ever talk about pets when we talked about marriage and children etc. I had horses when we first met and for the first 10ish years of our relationship, but I didn't have a dog when we met.

We had a proper chat about it last night. Thanks to all who commented, it gave me a lot to think about. I asked DH if when he said we could get a dog just not yet, he actually meant he never wanted a dog. He said he's not particularly bothered, he would never choose to get one himself, but we will get one when the time is right as he knows it will make and the children happy and it might be nice to have one around.

That should say make me and the children happy

@vimtosogood I had family dogs from 12 to when I left home. I had horses from 13 to when I moved overseas at 32. I know exactly how much time and money animals take up, we disagree that they're a waste of money or that they make me miserable

He doesn’t want a dog.
You may be able to wear him down and emotionally blackmail him into saying yes but he quite clearly doesn’t want one.

So unfortunately you can’t get one.

To re iterate I am well aware and prepared for the commitment and demands of owning a dog. I was at the yard at 5.30am mucking out and caring for my horses from when I was 13 until I was 32 and moved overseas. I did the same straight after school/work. Twice a day, every season, every day for years. No days off, the horses always came first. I think I'm well prepared for owning a dog

@RunningFromInsanity I don't use emotional blackmail. I'm not sure I would actually know how to! In life I state what I want clearly and, if not possible I try to understand the reasons why I cant get it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Can you get him to pin down the ‘when the time is right’ comment? How will you know when that is? Whether it’s time-based or down to certain conditions you need to know otherwise those goalposts could keep moving.

@Sunbird24 He's always said towards the end of this year. I'll be settled in a job (if I decide to go back) our youngest will be about to start school, and we will have decided whether we are renovating our home and if not will likely have moved by then. All very sensible really, I just don't want to wait any longer 😂

No days off, the horses always came first. I think I'm well prepared for owning a dog

TBH I think dogs are a very different kind of commitment.

Horses can live in stables or out in fields/pastures/yards all day long while you go out. They don't get separation anxiety if you leave them for too long. They won't pee on your furniture, eat your shoes or nip and jump at your young children.

You don't have to worry about who will look after them if you want to go on last-minute trip to the zoo or the beach. You don't have to rush home from work or cancel a night out to let the horse out to the toilet etc.

I love my dog to bits but he's much more of a commitment than I ever imagined him to be. I'd get another in a heartbeat but I can absolutely see why so many people struggle. They're hard work, especially as puppies when you can barely leave them unattended for a minute.

I'll be settled in a job (if I decide to go back) our youngest will be about to start school, and we will have decided whether we are renovating our home and if not will likely have moved by then.

Who will look after the dog if you're at work all day?

@sunflowersandbuttercups You are absolutely right, of course. I do perhaps need to think further ahead than what our life is like now. There is very little spontaneity at the moment and life is very routine driven with young children. I have my own routines Mon -Fri that don't include DH. I need to think about when life won't be so routine driven I guess. I honestly am taking in all your comments, and thank you for them. But, even considering all the negatives for me the benefits of having a dog in our home far outweigh them 🤷🏻‍♀️ There must be people that agree or none of you would have dogs 😂

They are benefits for you OP but not for your DH. I think you need to address the imbalances in your marriage and the fact that he is not there during the week. Bringing an unwanted animal into the house won't make your marriage any better; it is likely to cause big friction and resentment.
You need to talk with him about how you are feeling being on your own all week.