I want a dog and DH doesn't

[iwantadogdhdoesnt]

Here goes ..... I really, really want a dog. I'm an animal person and always have been, it's integral to who I am. DH is not. I would do 100% of care for said dog. When pressed he says maybe towards the end of the year we can get a dog but not now. On occasion he has admitted he's just not a dog person so I fear his just not now actually means never (he said he wanted to get engaged for 8 years before he actually asked me so he has form for delaying)

The back story - we have had a serious conversation about this twice now. I have ended up really upset and have said I don't think this is just about the dog. I think this is indicative of a power imbalance in our relationship. Whether he admits it or not, he earns all the money, I'm a SAHM and there has been a subtle shift over the years that he has the final say on a lot of things (always disguised as a discussion though).

We are in the perfect spot to get a dog, kids old enough to be sensible but also desperate for a dog, financially very secure, I'm at home all day and we have a great house/garden for a dog. This keeps coming up (as I keep looking at digs for sale) and I'm increasingly feeling a lot of resentment that his wants trump the rest of us. Thoughts please? (And before anyone says it I've had two interviews last week and I'm headed back to work part time ASAP)

Don't get a dog. If dh doesn't want it you'll either make him miserable and end up rehousing dog or splitting up.

I don't want a dog, my dh does. So we aren't getting a dog. I don't care about whether he walks, picks up after and pays for it. I don't want to live with an animal that I don't want, that will most likely follow me around all the time and make my house hairy and smelly.

@weegiemum it doesn't help that my DH younger brother got a dog when he was a kid. As the older brother DH ended up responsible for this terribly behaved totally untrained dog that was by all accounts a complete nightmare

Everyone in the family has to be onboard if you have a dog, as a good dog becomes a family member, and anyone half hearted about keeping a dog, can spoil the whole dynamics of having a dog in your home.
I have witnessed this a few times, where only one partner bought,or rescued a dog on a whim. and it caused arguments in the home, and upset and confused the dogs, so goodness knows what happened to these dogs later.

I'm not a dog person at all. I'd honestly do most things to make my dh happy but I just couldn't get a dog. To me, getting a dog would make me uncomfortable in my own home so would have a bit impact. I know it sounds daft but whether or not we were dog people came up while we were dating - it was one of the big questions along with 'do you want kids' - thankfully dh is also not a dog person and so I didn't have to decide if it was a dealbreaker or not!

I like dogs, even had one when DH and I met, but there’s no way I’d get one now. While I’m fine with the day to day work involved (feeding, walking etc) I absolutely hate the idea of being tied to an animal and, as the children get older and we have a little more freedom, the idea of being tied to an animal is really stifling.

I was the one who wanted a dog. DH was a bit reluctant but agreed but if he had said no then we wouldn't have got the dog.

I do the majority of care but it impacts absolutely everyone in the house. We have had emergency vet runs on bank holidays and even Christmas Day one year due to accidents and illnesses. You can't just go out for the day without thinking about the dog. Dog slobber and hair happen and if you are a dog person you don't notice or care but if you don't like dogs it's a big deal.

Fortunately DH loves our dog but both of us agree it's been hard work and has turned our life upside down.

I've wanted a dog since forever. Dh and I have been together 10 years and I've gone on and on with him saying a flat "no". That is until a month ago he said himself it would be nice to have a pet. Cue me jumping straight on it! Picking up puppy hopefully in august. Good luck!

If he doesn't want a dog you need to respect that. I wouldn't care if my husband did 100% of the work relating to the dog like you're offering to, I'd never agree to cohabitate with a dog. I can tolerate them if they're on a lead and the owner has enough control of that lead to prevent the dog from coming near me but an unrestrained dog in my house? Absolutely no way. It doesn't matter why your husband doesn't like dogs, it is unfair on him to keep pushing the issue given that you know how he feels.

How did you even end up going on a second date with someone who doesn’t like animals? Ugh, absolute dealbreaker.

Looking after a friend’s dog isn’t remotely comparable to having one of your own.

My parents look after my dog when I go anywhere and they like having him. But there’s no way they want a dog of their own, they’re a tie, you can’t go out impulsively, go away for a weekend or even a whole day out because it’s not fair to leave the dog.

Added to which you are going back to work and you have allergies. There are very few dogs who don’t shed at all, and generally you won’t know for some time after you get the dog home, so you could quite conceivably get a dog and end up having to rehome it because of your allergies.

Quite apart from your DH’s objections, having a dog really isn’t practically possible for you anyway and you need to let the idea go.

I totally sympathise OP as I'm in the same position. I've actually cried about it. I'm desperate for a dog but DH is insisting he wouldn't until our cats are no longer around (they're 9 and 6, got years left- hopefully!)

We spoke about it one day and out of the blue he decided he wanted a third child and thinks I did too and a puppy would be a baby substitute. So now we're TTC but I'd still bloody love a dog, I'm such a dog person although I do love our cats to bits. He's a cat person.

We don't really take holidays as DH is always at work. we don't really see him Mon-Fri

How long would it take him to notice if you actually got a dog? This doesn't sound great.

Tell him the dog's to keep you all entertained in his absence and if you're not getting one, he'll have to cut back on his working hours and start taking holidays.

My DH didn't want a dog. Me and our DDs wore him down and eventually we got a Labrador puppy. The deal was that me and DDs would walk it, train it, feed it etc. DH would be having nothing to do with it. 9 years on DH and the dog are slavishly devoted to each other and he cannot imagine her not being here. She had been one of the best things to come into our lives. I would try and persuade him along the lines we did then wait for him to fall in love.

I’m afraid everyone has to be on board, it’s a huge commitment and changes your life, no more long lies, no spontaneous trips, tough if you’re ill the dog still needs walked and quite honestly the heartbreak when it’s time to say goodbye to them is not something I would go through again.
We all loved our dog who sadly passed away last year but we never expected for instance that he would be extremely car sick to the point we couldn’t take him anywhere without being sedated which meant even a day trip involved having to ask a friend to look after him. He was such a happy dog but only in his own house with his family or someone he knew well, in his fifteen years of life we managed one family holiday because we couldn’t put him through the stress of kennels and nobody we knew could give up a week of their life to care for him.
It’s not a commitment to undertaken when one party does not want to do it.

We had this and I bought one anyway and he loves it

@Irishterrier

We had this and I bought one anyway and he loves it

If you share a home, don't you think that's a totally unfair risk to have taken? For the dog if not for your partner? What if he hadn't taken to it and it had caused huge issues or insisted the dog be rehomed or leave etc?

I'm glad it ended well in your case but I think it's a pretty shitty thing to do to a partner you share a home and life with when they've been clear about their wishes.

If you’re going to run around after it and he doesn’t have to lift a finger then I don’t see a problem.
He will say I told you so every time something goes wrong though.

You could always divorce him and take him to the cleaners.

My husband was not a dog person but was OK with me getting a dog so long as I was the one totally responsible for it. Ultimately he ended up loving the dog(s) - we got a second one - just as much as I did. However they cost us an utter bomb in vet bills as well as the not inconsiderable day to day costs plus the cost of care when we went on holiday. Your husband has to be on board enough not to cause a problem about bills if he is the one paying.

@RulesDontApply2Me

If you’re going to run around after it and he doesn’t have to lift a finger then I don’t see a problem. He will say I told you so every time something goes wrong though.

You could always divorce him and take him to the cleaners.

What if the one who wants a dog gets ill though? Or the dog is really ill and takes up lots of costs that eat into family money? Or if they don't want to live in the same house as a dog even if they don't have to 'help' with it?

I am a dog person, always had them and absolutely adore them. But wouldn't think it fair to expect a partner to share a home with one if they didn't want to.

If you’re going to run around after it and he doesn’t have to lift a finger then I don’t see a problem.

Dogs don't leave you alone, tho. They follow you round, they want your attention, they want affection, they take up room, they snore, they fart, they get up to mischief, they have accidents, they shed, they smell, they bark, they whine, they lick, they sleep in doorways and trip you up . It's not the case that you can live with a dog and not be affected by it.

Pets are single veto. Everyone in the house needs to agree or the pet does not join the family. It’s just not possible that one person can be 100% responsible for a pet. There will be moments when you are not there and your DH will have to deal with the dog. Even something as simple as reminding the dog not to grab food off a plate is dealing with the dog. That doesn’t even get into issues of needing to help with walks, cleaning up the garden, etc.

I understand your desire. I have had to give up on acquiring pets because my DH is not on board. That is just life.

Go out for a walk for an hour morning and night and see how you feel about it after a year, whatever the weather or occasion. Dogs are a huge responsibility. Will you be happy to do everything that comes with a dog or will your enthusiasm tail off after a bit, I love dogs and so does dh but they are restrictive and it costs a fortune when we go on holiday as ddog doesn't settle in kennels.your DH is not being unreasonable, not everyone is a dog lover

Some harsh comments here, mostly from dog haters.

If you really want a dog then get one @iwantadogdhdoesnt

I don't think it's right if you want one that much, that your DH says no. My DH isn't a dog person and didn't really want a dog, but he said if I really wanted a dog, to get one. He even helped me find a puppy. To start with I did absolutely everything and he pretty much ignored the dog. Gradually, she's found a way into his heart and I hear him talking to her in a right soppy voice, when he thinks I can't hear him. He shares his ginger biscuits with her now and they're devoted to each other. He even walks her and throws a ball for her. He admits that having a dog has enriched his life beyond anything he ever imagined.

LTB

Maybe see if you can foster a dog. If he warms to the animal then great - if not then I suppose it’s better to know before you take on an animal ;if he still hates dogs, what about when you are sick, or busy or if you have to go away for a few days - would he help out?).