I want a dog and DH doesn't

[iwantadogdhdoesnt]

Here goes ..... I really, really want a dog. I'm an animal person and always have been, it's integral to who I am. DH is not. I would do 100% of care for said dog. When pressed he says maybe towards the end of the year we can get a dog but not now. On occasion he has admitted he's just not a dog person so I fear his just not now actually means never (he said he wanted to get engaged for 8 years before he actually asked me so he has form for delaying)

The back story - we have had a serious conversation about this twice now. I have ended up really upset and have said I don't think this is just about the dog. I think this is indicative of a power imbalance in our relationship. Whether he admits it or not, he earns all the money, I'm a SAHM and there has been a subtle shift over the years that he has the final say on a lot of things (always disguised as a discussion though).

We are in the perfect spot to get a dog, kids old enough to be sensible but also desperate for a dog, financially very secure, I'm at home all day and we have a great house/garden for a dog. This keeps coming up (as I keep looking at digs for sale) and I'm increasingly feeling a lot of resentment that his wants trump the rest of us. Thoughts please? (And before anyone says it I've had two interviews last week and I'm headed back to work part time ASAP)

@sunflowersandbuttercups I've addressed this further down the thread. IF I go back (and I'm not decided) I will pay to have a daily dog walker, or for someone to come and just be with the dog, or for dog daycare (if the dog is suited to and enjoys it) I'd be out of the house 8-4 2 or 3 days a week, the dog wouldn't be left alone for more than 3 hours. Also where we live it's usual to allow dogs the run of your back yard when you are out so for those 3 hours the dog wouldn't be cooped up inside.

@BigButtons I am so used to being on my own all week I don't actually mind it at all. I have my own routines with the children which work well for me, and on the odd occasion DH is around he slots into those routines. I actually have a really happy marriage as long as we don't talk about getting a dog right now 😝

thing is if you get a new dog you really do need to be there for it until it is settled so I don't think going back to work and getting a new dog are things that can be done together. It's not fair on the dog.
It doesn't really matter if you do all of the dog care. Your DH's life will be impacted by having a dog in the house and if he doesn't want that then you can't have one. It would not be fair on the dog or on him.

[quote iwantadogdhdoesnt]@sunflowersandbuttercups I've addressed this further down the thread. IF I go back (and I'm not decided) I will pay to have a daily dog walker, or for someone to come and just be with the dog, or for dog daycare (if the dog is suited to and enjoys it) I'd be out of the house 8-4 2 or 3 days a week, the dog wouldn't be left alone for more than 3 hours. Also where we live it's usual to allow dogs the run of your back yard when you are out so for those 3 hours the dog wouldn't be cooped up inside. [/quote]
Sorry, but you can't leave a puppy from 8-4 with just a dog walker coming in at lunchtime. And you absolutely should never leave your dog alone unattended in a garden. Ever.

That plan is just not appropriate. You would need to pay for daycare.

@sunflowersandbuttercups I take your points on board but I'm genuinely interested as to why I couldn't leave my dog unattended for 3 hours in my fully secured back yard? Thats exactly what everyone who lives here does with their adult dogs (not suggesting appropriate for a puppy)

@sunflowersandbuttercups most dogs sleep outside year round here 🤷🏻‍♀️ (ours wouldn't but that's unusual)

@sunflowersandbuttercups If DH said yes to getting a puppy now I wouldn't go back to work. I'm well aware the two aren't compatible because I'm not stupid despite what your condescending tone suggests you may believe

[quote iwantadogdhdoesnt]@sunflowersandbuttercups If DH said yes to getting a puppy now I wouldn't go back to work. I'm well aware the two aren't compatible because I'm not stupid despite what your condescending tone suggests you may believe [/quote]
I'm not trying to be condescending. I'm a dog walker and dog-care professional and I see far too many people leave their puppies alone for hours and then wonder why it all goes tits-up.

Anyway, to answer your questions:

I would never leave a dog outside unattended for several reasons - firstly, the risk of theft, which is on the rise here. Secondly, because many gardens are not as secure as the owners like to think and it's very easy for a bored dog to dig their way to freedom, or to escape out of a gate left open by a delivery driver. Thirdly, because many gardens contain flowers and items that could hurt your dog/puppy. And finally, because if your dog decides it's bored, it could spend the entire time barking and make a nuisance of itself.

Your response upthread said you would potentially leave the dog 8-4 several days week, with a dog walker for company. Dog walkers will only come for an hour or so, which implies the dog will be left alone for seven hours in total - that's far too much even for most adult dogs, let alone for puppies. Your idea of daycare would work, though.

I'm really not trying to be "condescending" but I see lots of people getting puppies and they immediately become very overwhelmed with the intensity of it all. I've had lots of people ask me to come and care for their puppies (their plan being to leave them all day with 1-2 visits from me) and, without fail, every single one of them has changed their plans and sent the puppy to daycare or to stay with family during the day.

I think when you, as a professional, are left to pick up the pieces when it goes wrong, you see dog ownership from a different angle to the average owner.

If OP is in Oz for example it is normal to leave your dogs outside, dsis does that all the time over there.
Obviously in the UK it isn't normal.

@Ineedaneasteregg Yep, that's where I am 😊

To be honest the OP's posts have shown that her main focus seems to be herself and what she wants, with no real consideration for others.

She's willing to try to selfishly arm twist her partner into accepting a demanding animal to live in their home full time for likely a whole decade or more, and is refusing to respect his right to enjoy living in his own home, and would be happy to leave her dog alone in a backyard with no thought to the barking nuisance it would very likely cause neighbours, especially those trying to work from home.

OP I get you like dogs and I'm sure you'll love it,
but just accept that this simply isn't the right situation to have a dog (which is one of the most demanding and lifestyle restricting pet you can possibly get) and move on.

@LivBa There's no arm twisting going on here?! Of course I wouldn't leave a barking dog alone in the back yard, and yes, I would know as I know both of my neighbours very well and they would tell me immediately. If there was a problem with me working I'd stop, frankly I'd rather have a dog than a job and I have the luxury of choosing whether I work or not

@Operasinger

Some harsh comments here, mostly from dog haters.

If you really want a dog then get one @iwantadogdhdoesnt

I don't think it's right if you want one that much, that your DH says no. My DH isn't a dog person and didn't really want a dog, but he said if I really wanted a dog, to get one. He even helped me find a puppy. To start with I did absolutely everything and he pretty much ignored the dog. Gradually, she's found a way into his heart and I hear him talking to her in a right soppy voice, when he thinks I can't hear him. He shares his ginger biscuits with her now and they're devoted to each other. He even walks her and throws a ball for her. He admits that having a dog has enriched his life beyond anything he ever imagined.

That isn't the default reaction though. Husband likes cats, I wouldn't choose to have one so we didn't get one until an accidental one showed up.

I didn't have the heart to reject the traumatised thing but once she pops her clogs I'll sigh a relief and never, ever again and she's pretty easy as cats go.

I'd go nuts if husband just brought in another one when I said no

If OP is in Oz for example it is normal to leave your dogs outside, dsis does that all the time over there.

Obviously in the UK it isn't normal.

Is it that unusual? I know quite a few that do, including my own sister. Obviously, they have somewhere to go out of the weather.

Could the expense of the dog be putting him off too? I have two cats. One broke her leg in the first few months and it cost £3.5k to fix..only £1k was insured. We bumped up to better insurance but now both have heart problems and we're stuck with our insurer because nobody else will cover preexisting conditions. Between insurance, food, cat litter and flea/worming treatments they cost us about £180 a month. We love them to bits but if one of use wasn't a cat person we'd be pretty resentful by now.

Fostering could be a good half way house for now? Experience a dog in your home and all that involves (appreciate you are fully prepared so more for your OH), knowing that it isn't a long term commitment and that if all goes well you could be a failed foster and adopt.
FWIW, I have lots of animals including horses and was up for a dog when OH suggested it. Dog is 7 now and is a cool dog, loved and well looked after but I'm not a dog person which surprised me. I couldn't imagine what it would have been like if I hadn't wanted one to begin with.

Why not see if anyone local is looking for dog walking? You and your DC could get the benefits of playing with a dog without the maintenance side of things. And you never know, your DP might come around to the idea

Maybe he doesn't want to live in a house that stinks of dog.

(Note to all dog owners: yes it does.

Yeah, no, it does.

I'm sure you think so. But, in fact, it does.)

@ChairmansReserve

Maybe he doesn't want to live in a house that stinks of dog.

(Note to all dog owners: yes it does.

Yeah, no, it does.

I'm sure you think so. But, in fact, it does.)

Lol she's as fit as a butchers dog. Just wees a lot. Vet said she has the heartbeat of a dog half her age. She's bionic.

My DH and I have this same issue except it’s me who doesn’t want a dog. DH is out most and I know I’d end up being the one to look after it. Additionally if you are going back to work, I wouldn’t be prepared to have a dog in the house alone. It’s not fair on them. My DH can be very insistent that he wants one but I just don’t. It might seem unfair but I would resent having one in the house when I made it clear I really didn’t want one.

My dh loves dogs and I agreed we could have two dogs who keep each other company while DH is at work. DH agreed he would do all the walking, feeding and vet trips. The dogs we have are Lhasa Apso so small/medium dogs. They are really no trouble at all as do not shed. They bark if a stranger comes to our house. I have fed and walked occasionally if DH is unwell. At the moment he is wfh. When he comes down for lunch they rush over to him.waving their tails like flags. I like the dogs now even though I was not too keen before we had them. The dogs know they belong to DH as he makes such a fuss of them. I have also noticed DH seems less stressed and more relaxed than before we had them.

Just a thought, could you advertise to do dog walking? Or help out at dog shelter if your DH is really against having one at your home?

@ChairmansReserve I don't think all houses with dogs smell of them and I don't have any any more (when I did it wasn't my choice, my husband had them when we met). Some houses smell, mainly those with dogs in carpeted areas or that are allowed on furniture, or generally smellier breeds. Definitely not all in my experience.

@sunflowertulip I refer you to my previous post