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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Only fans / cheating / porn addict

135 replies

Londongirl865 · 25/04/2021 12:58

This is my first post and I’m really looking for some honest answers. I’m feeling quite alone and not sure what to do.
Until last week I thought I was in the most loving, happy relationship. We don’t ever argue, we have many of the same interests and we are just so happy. We’ve spoken about having our first baby and I’m no longer on the pill. We have a home together and have been in each others pockets over lockdown as we’ve both been working from home. Anyway... I’ll cut to the chase he was showing me his bank statement and I noticed a subscription to onlyfans, and he denied using it claiming it must be an old subscription from before we got together (it was a pending charge for the day before - I’m not stupid). I asked him to leave because he kept lying and then I went on his computer to find thousands of downloaded paid for porn videos, this is money going out every month - he often claims he has no money so I cover him on many occasions, which I don’t mind, I earn more and I love him. I checked the dates he was doing this and it’s been throughout our entire relationship, even at times when he’s borrowed money off me he’s been paying for porn. For example I pay for all of the household bills because he says he can’t afford them, but because I earn more I can. The money he has been regularly paying out covers our bills and way more.... one month he spent over £400 on porn. I confronted him with all of the evidence and he told me he has a porn addiction (it’s also a specific type of porn which grossed me out... he’s been paying for pictures of random women’s feet amongst other stuff). I’m struggling to speak with friends about this because I’m embarrassed. We also have sex almost every day, so I’m just shocked that he’s doing this.... he said it’s when I go to bed and am asleep. It makes me feel sick as we discussed the use of porn when we first got together and both agreed it was not ok to watch in a relationship, or to at least hide from the other. He has also made comments on other people’s relationships / only fans and how awful he thinks it is to do this if you’re in a relationship.
He’s had a session with a sex therapist and he said he is committed to stopping and having therapy but I just don’t know what to do or if I can ever trust him again. In my eyes he’s cheated on me since we met, messaged women for intimate photos and paid for it. I’ve never felt the need to look at his phone or social media etc because we were in such a trusting relationship and now I’ve become someone I didn’t think I would be.
Has anyone else had a relationship with a porn addict? I just feel so betrayed and hurt. He’s also asked that we don’t tell people what’s happened because he’s so embarrassed about what he’s done/ what he’s into... so I’m having to pretend things are OK. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!

OP posts:
MyAltAccount · 26/04/2021 17:13

I don't think you have to leave him; Every problem on here seems to lead to advice to LTB.

If you think he can overcome this addiction and you're prepared to help him then why not at least give it a go? If he is an otherwise good man it's worth a try. But I agree that now is not the right time for a baby.

Good luck.

MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 17:42

@MyAltAccount

I don't think you have to leave him; Every problem on here seems to lead to advice to LTB.

If you think he can overcome this addiction and you're prepared to help him then why not at least give it a go? If he is an otherwise good man it's worth a try. But I agree that now is not the right time for a baby.

Good luck.

Really - he's a sponger/lives off her, is on video calls with only fans women getting sexual & fetish services using op's money, and had actually gotten the women to use him deceiving op in their script for him to get off to!!!!!!
MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 17:43

Every problem on here seems to lead to advice to LTB.

No, only cheating, cock lodging, lying, sex industry users.

MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 17:44

@Swordfish1

So putting this in persepctive.

He has apparantly had a porn 'addiction' from age 19. But enetred into a relationship with you, didn't tell you this, not because he was ashamed but because he wanted to continue with his 'addition'.
He is only seeking help for it AFTER you have found out about his 3 year stint on cheating. It is cheating OP.
SO your relationship during those 3 years, in essence, meant so little to him because not at any point during it did he attempt to stop or seek help. In fact he borrowed money from you to continue with it.

He is only sorry now because he has been found out. If he really had any respect and love for you he would have sought help long before you found this and at the very least should have let you know he was struggling with it when you started a relationship with him.
He didn't, because he isn't struggling with it. He likes doing it.

Addiction is the one they all pull out when they get caught. So you find it harder to be mad at them. Like they are ill and can't help it. Taking the blame off themselves.

As for not being able to afford your rent on your own. Go see your landlord or estate agent and tell them the situation you are in and that you need to take your name off the lease. Then move out. Leave him with the rent to pay.

If it was my dp done this, I wouldn't hesitate in blackmailing him into signing me out of the lease by threatening to tell everyone about his sick little hobby if he didn't.

Do not be embarrassed. he is the biggest shit out there. Get rid. ASAP.
YOu are worth so much more than this.

Excellent post.
AnyFucker · 26/04/2021 17:45

Every problem on here seems to lead to advice to LTB.

Your bar must be set very, very low

MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 17:46

@CatWillSaveMe

Did you ask for that book at all?.. It’s all about him and his needs isn’t it. He was perfectly happy to lie to you and spend your money on his dick. It only became a problem when you found out and his cushy lifestyle was threatened. So as part of the proposed solution you get a book which will help to bring you back in line, i mean which will ‘teach’ you to be a more supportive and understanding girlfriend. As poor thing now has a medical condition🤢 Your new assigned role now is to support him and i bet at some point this will be thrown back in your face as any anger expressed towards him will be reframed as ‘you’re not supporting me enough’.

Who is supporting YOU? Strangers on the internet as this scum is discouraging you from telling anyone in real life. Because if you did there’s a good chance you’ll get same reaction as on here and he knows it. And you might just listen as it would be people close to you.

I hope you can see clearly what he is doing here. He’s giving you a new role (‘the saviour’, supportive girlfriend) and is not allowing you real life support for yourself.

His efforts and counselling will last until you accept and internalise your new role. Then he’ll be back to his old habits but hiding them better. Cutting up the cards is just a trick of distraction, they can be replaced in no time. He still has bank account and whatever credit limit he has with them. So cutting up cards is just amateur dramatics.
You have an opportunity here to save yourself years of misery, choose wisely.

And this.
MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 17:48

@AnyFucker

Every problem on here seems to lead to advice to LTB.

Your bar must be set very, very low

It's like that poster actually wants another woman to be lived off, used for money for sexual services, deceived and essentially cheated on with online sex workers.
MarshmallowAra · 26/04/2021 17:49

He's not going to turn into another person ..
What's the point in staying and putting off having a baby - if op wants children. He's a shit candidate for it.

Ihatesalad · 26/04/2021 18:45

Some people standards just are incredibly low— I remember when I split from my 1st husband my gran saying ‘but he doesn’t hit you and he makes good money’ —- I’m afraid that’s what some women’s standards are, particularly some older women who put up with any old crap due to limited options

Haffiana · 26/04/2021 20:49

If he was serious about his sudden realisation of what this is doing to your relationship, and truly serious about 'curing' his addiction then he would split up with you, sort himself out and then come back to you and start over. That's if he truly valued you over porn.

But no, as per the addicts script, he is going to make lots of promises instead. He WILL blame you for not being supportive enough when he cannot keep them, and really, he won't be able to. He just won't be able to. He is an addict and specifically a sex/fetish addict. A fetish is part of who you are. It doesn't go away just because you really want it to.

Somewhere out in the internet, there will be some figures on the %age of men (and women) who have actually overcome a fetish. It will be fewer than the number of camels that can fit in my coffee cup.

RLEOM · 26/04/2021 23:20

Run. It's not worth it.

My ex was a porn addict. He had an unhealthy obsession with women, paid for porn, would look up dogging sites to make a few.

I discovered it a week after giving birth to his child. He'd blow hundreds each month on porn, was always skint. He spent £150 alone on porn in the first 2 weeks of our child being born and had the cheek to make me pay for things whilst claiming our child had made him penniless 🙄

The cherry on the top was him then starting an affair. I left when our child was 3 months old. Him and his porn/woman obsession ruined me. A few years later, I now dislike men.

Honestly, it's not worth the pain, lies, humiliation and the battering of your self esteem.

Washingtofold · 27/04/2021 01:38

@MyAltAccount

‘I don't think you have to leave him; Every problem on here seems to lead to advice to LTB’

This post reminds me of another post on here . Something about ‘women who make excuses for crap men ‘
Unless this is just a case of a man who things using women as paid sex dolls is ok and that consent can be bought
Either way - disgusting

Susannahmoody · 27/04/2021 01:55

Oh god op just don't waste your breath on this loser.

You're young, get yourself a new bloke who's not a complete waster.

Take the advice you've been given - these men NEVER change. Therapy, cutting up credit cards etc, all bullshit. Get rid.

PurpleTrilby · 27/04/2021 02:07

You said at one point that he "only" did porn stuff and that is quite minimising. In my book he's not only used porn and other women he's used YOUR money to fucking fund it. Think about that. He's got you to pay all the bills and borrowed money off you while you work full time. Fuck him off for good. Your life is not about fixing him or salvaging this train wreck of a relationship. 3 years is nothing. Get rid now, please. For you. You owe him nothing and you can sort the rental contract out. You're not forced to stay. Best of luck.

MsDogLady · 27/04/2021 05:51

Londongirl, he has played you like a fiddle for the whole of your relationship. He has lied, exploited and cheated, all the while pretending to be the faithful, devoted Partner.

He devalues and exploits women, including you. That he feels sexually gratified by using your money to pay sex workers to mock you is really twisted.

Even now he is controlling the narrative and manipulating you to maintain the status quo and protect his reputation. He will be up to his old tricks as soon as the coast is clear. I fear that if you stay with this emotionally dangerous man, you will become diminished beyond recognition.

Lex345 · 27/04/2021 06:42

This man has lied to you, deceived you, leeched off you financially and sounds manipulative OP. You say you love him-but you fell in love with the version of himself he chose to show you. Be honest-if you knew then what you know now-would you have fallen in love with him?

What you have discovered will be the tip of the iceberg. How many times over the years has he used other devices, cleared his history, looked at free porn, used other methods of interacting with women?

Break down what he has done, don't let him minimise this for you.

1- You clearly and specifically disclosed to him early in the relationship that porn use was not OK in a relationship for you and you provided him with valid reasons for this. He AGREED with you (see how he has manipulated you here) and then proceeded to search for, engage with, pay for and hide his porn usage- all this knowing how you felt about porn- even going so far as to lend money from you to facilitate that.

  1. He has chosen to pay to interact with women to satisfy a specific fetish. Personally I have three issues here-one, instead of speaking to his partner, he has chosen to seek out another woman. Two, he has placed a higher priority on his sexual satisfaction than your joint financial interests. This shows him to be selfish, self serving and thoughtless. Three-and for me this is the worst part-he views women as commodities that can be bought on a whim to satisfy whatever takes his fancy, they are disposable objects to be used for his pleasure. Many women in porn are exploited, abused and coerced. Especially I imagine in some of the more extreme, niche areas. This is a mindset towards women. In a way, can you see how he has used you too OP? To meet his own needs?

  2. Having been found out, he has made an elaborate display of how sorry he is, how he hid it from you because he didn't want to lose you, over compensating in grandiose acts like cutting up the cards, proclaiming an addiction, buying you books (This is so offensive to me that he has done this by the way-like somehow this is a shared problem you have to work through together). Do you not see how manipulative this all is? He is setting the scene for his "relapse", safe in the knowledge he can say you knew about this.

  3. I am so sorry what happened to you in the past OP. I worry that this "fetish" of his risks history repeating itself.

I am so sorry, but you are worth so much more than this. Although it may be hard to sort out with your flat and finances, it will be worth it. Life is too short for this.

Good luck OP.

Washingtofold · 27/04/2021 07:55

Lex345 says it perfectly except I’ll add that you didn’t need a ‘valid ‘ reason to say porn is a dealbreaker for you
Just not finding it acceptable for ANY reason is totally valid
This guy has played you badly and you deserve so much more

bubblebath62636 · 27/04/2021 07:57

He's a loser op.

Throwing money away so he can have a wank.. gross.

Back on the pill and out the door.

Bluedeblue · 27/04/2021 11:34

some of it was even speaking to camera, saying your girlfriend doesn’t even know what you’re doing etc asking for money and doing weird things on camera...like it just feels quite personal

That's because it IS personal. I don't like this aspect of it at all. Why would the women even say that?

I am one million percent sure you can find a better "man" than this. I know it's hard to walk away. It seems like an insurmountable task. I left my first H when I discovered he had tried to get off with all of my mates. It took me 4 years to motivate myself though. We'd been together 20 years and had 2 kids, and it meant blowing up my life. But he showed no remorse and even carried on, so I left. Best thing I ever did. You only have one life, after all.

Maggiesfarm · 27/04/2021 11:44

You don't need this man, you can do far, far better.
Get rid quick.
Let him find someone else to help him with his 'problems'.

You've found out in time, before having a child, thank goodness.

Good luck - and don't look back!

Burnley88 · 27/04/2021 15:53

Too much porn properly rots the mind. Id stay well clear

Maybeonedaysoon · 28/04/2021 22:35

Leave, really. I was in a similar situation and stayed, now I have a child with him and I’m stuck in an awful marriage I don’t know how to get out of.

I don’t think they ever change.

Crabbypaddy · 28/04/2021 23:06

I’m confused who the hell pays for porn when u get it for free on the internet

wingsnthat · 28/04/2021 23:07

@Crabbypaddy

I’m confused who the hell pays for porn when u get it for free on the internet
Men who don’t like “normal” porn

They can get more niche stuff or even personally request something

me4real · 28/04/2021 23:25

For example I pay for all of the household bills because he says he can’t afford them

@Londongirl865 This is bollox though isn't it- When he had a job he could afford some bills like everyone else, even those of us on benefits. That's even without the fact he was spending it all on porn. If he has a student loan or whatever, that's money towards living expenses too (he magically has it now.)

I bet they will almost all claim they're a 'sex addict' to claim they can't help it. I mean, I do think there are some people hooked on porn etc. But even those who 'just' enjoy it will claim addiction.

I’m confused who the hell pays for porn when u get it for free on the internet

Men who don’t like “normal” porn. They can get more niche stuff or even personally request something

Paying for it also adds to the buzz for some men maybe, as it makes them feel like a big shot/someone with power to make a woman do stuff for them.