Only fans / cheating / porn addict

[Londongirl865]

This is my first post and I’m really looking for some honest answers. I’m feeling quite alone and not sure what to do.
Until last week I thought I was in the most loving, happy relationship. We don’t ever argue, we have many of the same interests and we are just so happy. We’ve spoken about having our first baby and I’m no longer on the pill. We have a home together and have been in each others pockets over lockdown as we’ve both been working from home. Anyway... I’ll cut to the chase he was showing me his bank statement and I noticed a subscription to onlyfans, and he denied using it claiming it must be an old subscription from before we got together (it was a pending charge for the day before - I’m not stupid). I asked him to leave because he kept lying and then I went on his computer to find thousands of downloaded paid for porn videos, this is money going out every month - he often claims he has no money so I cover him on many occasions, which I don’t mind, I earn more and I love him. I checked the dates he was doing this and it’s been throughout our entire relationship, even at times when he’s borrowed money off me he’s been paying for porn. For example I pay for all of the household bills because he says he can’t afford them, but because I earn more I can. The money he has been regularly paying out covers our bills and way more.... one month he spent over £400 on porn. I confronted him with all of the evidence and he told me he has a porn addiction (it’s also a specific type of porn which grossed me out... he’s been paying for pictures of random women’s feet amongst other stuff). I’m struggling to speak with friends about this because I’m embarrassed. We also have sex almost every day, so I’m just shocked that he’s doing this.... he said it’s when I go to bed and am asleep. It makes me feel sick as we discussed the use of porn when we first got together and both agreed it was not ok to watch in a relationship, or to at least hide from the other. He has also made comments on other people’s relationships / only fans and how awful he thinks it is to do this if you’re in a relationship.
He’s had a session with a sex therapist and he said he is committed to stopping and having therapy but I just don’t know what to do or if I can ever trust him again. In my eyes he’s cheated on me since we met, messaged women for intimate photos and paid for it. I’ve never felt the need to look at his phone or social media etc because we were in such a trusting relationship and now I’ve become someone I didn’t think I would be.
Has anyone else had a relationship with a porn addict? I just feel so betrayed and hurt. He’s also asked that we don’t tell people what’s happened because he’s so embarrassed about what he’s done/ what he’s into... so I’m having to pretend things are OK. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!

He is now saying he will pay for bills as he will stop the porn / now has 400 a month spare(?)

But he would've let you.go on paying all the bills except a measly half the rent, and taking money off you to pay for sexual services behind your back; had you not found this out yourself.

He's in damage control, preservation mode. He's desperate to hold onto his cash cow and kind, supportive (way too soft) partner.

I'd consider whet he's been doing cheating - I don't think you're wrong in feeling that. And the getting sexual.gratification over deceiving you is particularly disgusting.

You're only renting, no.moetgsge together, you have no.kids together, you won't be worse off if you split because you've actually been subsidising and supporting him .... You.sre in such a good position to end the relationship with this "man" compared to do many women posting on here.

He sounds like he was too busy with his little hobby to focus on what he should have been focusing on - finding a new job so he wasn't living off his partner, do he was contributing fairly to the household. Nothing lower than a man who.lives off a woman and then apparently resents her for his own laziness and weakness and is deceptive, derogatory and unfaithful towards her, to try to get some of the "masculinity" back .... that he has himself doesn't has given away (no doubt his behaviour is for his gratification as well).

This stood out - so part of what he's doing/paying for is actually being aroused by the interaction being illicit, being behind your back etc. - actually referencing you and decieving you ..... Quite honestly, that made me really angry on your behalf.

Couldn’t agree more with this from Marshmallow That is seriously messed up behaviour from him, especially as he knows your past

He may have “nice” sides but there is something wrong with him for him to be getting off on that. You deserve so so so so so much better

Also, this shouldn’t need saying, but absolutely none of this is your fault. He would be like this with any girlfriend - the fault is with him and not you.

I think it's worth you having private counselling to work on your self esteem. Perhaps his spare £400 can pay for it.
You've reiterated you love him, in a way that makes me think you will (or have) forgiven him. But it's worth asking yourself why you love him so much you would accept this behaviour.

asking for money and doing weird things on camera

Is it financial humiliation he's into as well or something?

Honestly the bloke is a sponger, a creep, and a degenerate; you can do better.

If you throw your lot in with this dude, you'll end up divorced and he'll take assets off you because it's usually 50-50.

You'll also be pressured to work and look after the kids a d holding it all up because he's happy to live off you, be subsidised by you ... And even before kids (which out massive strain on relationships) he's behind your back camming essentially sex workers getting them to do weird shit on camera oa d getting off on deceiving you and on you being clueless .... This shit is extremely unlikely to get any better and quite likely to get worse.

If you want to be a stressed, over stretched, deceived mother, and then a single one with a Disney dad who's priorities are wanking to cam girls and who never has any money .... Go right ahead and try and make the relationship "work", get more invested, get inextricably linked to him, have a child with him etc.

You'd have a brighter future with someone else.
He's not the man you thought he was.

Split up, go through the heartbreak and heal. And you'll be in a better place this time next year than If you stick around with this dead beat.

I can’t help but keep thinking people will think it’s a reflection of me.

People's behaviour is a reflection of them.

His behaviour is a reflection of him.

Now that you know what he's been doing and what he's like, let your behaviour be a reflection of your best self.

I always find it's useful to turn these things around ... For you to have given up your job, let your partner pay for everything except half the rent, asked your partner for loans to, behind his back, go on male escort sites - messaged them, cammed them, paid for images from them, paid for them to do stuff in camera including saying things that exult over your partner having no idea what you're doing on there with them etc etc .... What sort of person would to be? What sort of feelings would you have to have (or not have) for your duped partner?

You'd have to be a lazy, exploitative, deceptive, unfaithful, selfish, twisted bitch (who actually gets sexual gratification out if deceiving your partner), wouldn't you?

Do you want to continue a relationship and have kids with someone like that?

Time flies, women's reproductive years are shorter, every day with him is a day wasted for recovery and for meeting someone else.

You were in an abusive relationship before - it's v common to get into a other type of abusive relationship. I think he knew you were vulnerable in a way, with low expectations ... So because he's been "nice" otherwise (other than living off you) ... He thinks he'll get away with this essentially cheating behind your back - because it's not classic, common garden cheating, he thinks you'll take it.

@thebestnamehere. umbrella DNS—

I work for one of those sites and I can absolutely guarantee without exception they all say whatever he is saying to you and laughing about it. They all, literally all of them, say the same things. Giving you the 'book' is an old trick. He'll wait until he thinks the coast is clear and go back to it, that's even if he stops in the first place. Has he got any way of paying for it so you don't know? Credit card etc?

When you end up staying with him because, let's face it these men are very good liars or you would have found out sooner, don't under any circumstances have a child with him. It isn't fair on the child.

@oldshoeuk

This relationship can be fixed!

He has a problem, but it's not a simple porn addiction. That doesn't cost £400 a month. So the payment, messaging etc is a deeper layer.

He has issues, he seems pretty honest about them and will open up if he feels safe. Unlike your ex he hasn't tried forcing any of this on you.

Regardless of his sexual or porn tastes the money/payment is something he needs to understand and get to grips with.

There is absolutely no reason why this relationship cannot grow and work if it's what you both want and assuming he is willing to get that spending under control. Obviously if one of you doesn't want to put the effort in it's over.

Jesus.

Really? He's been honest?

My incredulity is boundless

There are millions of men out there. You think this one is worth it.

If we cannot convince you this is not one to keep, then crack on. Sometimes we need to learn the very hard way.This is your life, choose how you want to live it.

I hate porn, but wouldn't leave someone for watching regular free porn. OnlyFans is much more interactive and I would consider this cheating in my eyes. Also the lying would have my hackles up.

The making you pay the bills citing lack of funds when spending so much on OF would frankly make me seriously consider leaving him. Because he's been using you to fin his habit. He may love you but he's also using you for your money.

Disgusting. The lying and saying he's agreed to no porn is also another line crossed.

I'm sorry Op, but I think it's over.

Giving you the 'book' is an old trick.

The only thing that book is good for is as a door stop for when he moves out.

(Or for beating him around the head with, but I shouldn't recommend that).

The fkg gall of him to give you a book to read .... He thinks, having manipulated you into financially supporting him, that you're soft touch and he can manipulate you into taking this too.

Get him this book (and get rid of him);

And you're not pathetic and ugly. It's nothing to do with who YOU are and what you look like and everything to do with his sneaky hidden thoughts about women as sex objects and his desire to feel like a fucking king who can pay and demand from women and live a cushy life while exploiting women on all sides.

You are worth a thousand of him. A hundred thousand. His mind is the one that's messed up.

Did you ask for that book at all?..
It’s all about him and his needs isn’t it. He was perfectly happy to lie to you and spend your money on his dick. It only became a problem when you found out and his cushy lifestyle was threatened.
So as part of the proposed solution you get a book which will help to bring you back in line, i mean which will ‘teach’ you to be a more supportive and understanding girlfriend. As poor thing now has a medical condition🤢 Your new assigned role now is to support him and i bet at some point this will be thrown back in your face as any anger expressed towards him will be reframed as ‘you’re not supporting me enough’.

Who is supporting YOU? Strangers on the internet as this scum is discouraging you from telling anyone in real life. Because if you did there’s a good chance you’ll get same reaction as on here and he knows it. And you might just listen as it would be people close to you.

I hope you can see clearly what he is doing here. He’s giving you a new role (‘the saviour’, supportive girlfriend) and is not allowing you real life support for yourself.

His efforts and counselling will last until you accept and internalise your new role. Then he’ll be back to his old habits but hiding them better. Cutting up the cards is just a trick of distraction, they can be replaced in no time. He still has bank account and whatever credit limit he has with them. So cutting up cards is just amateur dramatics.
You have an opportunity here to save yourself years of misery, choose wisely.

Seems like you love the false version of him and now you have found out who he really is... you can’t come to terms with it. Would you eat a sandwich which contained even 1% shit? That’s essentially what you are doing staying with this awful man.

He says he couldn’t tell me because he was scared he would loose me and he has been addicted since he was 19 years old when he first got a job.

What this actually means is that he knew you wouldn't consent to being in a relationship with someone who behaved how he does, but continuing that behaviour was more important to him than you having the right to choose your boundaries and select a partner who behaves within them.

What you've found and what he's told you are the absolute minimum he has done.

Please don't burden yourself with a relationship that will at the very best leave a constant fear of him doing the same again and have you regularly checking his behaviour. It cannot be a healthy relationship now because he is a toxic influence due to the length and extent of his behaviour.

This wasn't a one off moment of madness. This is who he is. He's someone who lies, someone who pays women to do what he wants sexually and someone who has had opportunity and means to stop previously (he could have spent that money on counselling etc rather than paying women, likely young and often vulnerable women, to act out his fetish online behind your back).

He didn't do anything proactive until HE thought HE might lose you.

He was only interested in changing when the consequences of his behaviour directly affected him getting what he wanted.

It wouldn't just be foolish to bring a child into this relationship, it would be selfish. You say a baby is off the table for now, as if it's still a goal to work towards. It is a fine goal, but not one to work towards with THIS man.

Your relationship will always have an undercurrent of you knowing he is capable of this behaviour. That isn't what a healthy, happy, stable relationship looks like. Don't bring a child into that.

If you stay with him, this will always stay with you. You'll feel differently about him, and won't see him in the same way. Eventually the love will die.
Just cut to the chase and get rid now.
I'm speaking from experience.
Even if he never does it again, the damage has been done, trust me.

Look OP, this doesn’t have to be your portion in life. He is not worth it. Let him be his own problem and wash your hands of it

Frankly I would be wondering if he has ulterior motives in being a mature student - it probably gets him closer to the women he’s been paying to see naked. He’s a “sex addict” after all, how will he be able to control himself and ensure his fantasies are online only? You can’t stop young and sexy students from wearing sandals

I feel for you OP. I can imagine you feel like your world has been torn down.

There are resources out there, some free and very effective such as SAA (quick Google and there's a fair amount of info) but HE is the one who has to want to do this. Otherwise it's fruitless and painful.

If I were in your situation, I would probably seek some counselling for my own sanity and to gain clarity if I actually want to stay with this man and put in the effort needed to work through the betrayal whilst he works through his crap. Any maybe he isn't ready too, which can be a hard pill to swallow.

Please remember this isn't about you, it's not because your unattractive or undesirable etc. He sounds like a typical addict.

I think you should end the relationship.. and start weaning yourself off it.

He will also have this addition and I’m sure he is hiding other issues from you.

If you think it’s difficult to leave now, wait till you’ve got mortgage and kids together and a divorce to go through.
Knowing what i know now i’d be out if i were you.

Reading your last comment made my blood boil. Makes me so angry how manipulative men can be! I cannot believe you are honestly making excuses for this lying, seedy pig. There’s really no other word for him.

Sharing the rent is not a reason to stay in a relationship with a man who lies, then insults your intelligence and disrespects your wishes. Not to mention he’s gross.

I’m more angry than you and I’m not even the one with him.

I just dont think he is worth the effort. I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of misery in future with him I really do

So putting this in persepctive.

He has apparantly had a porn 'addiction' from age 19. But enetred into a relationship with you, didn't tell you this, not because he was ashamed but because he wanted to continue with his 'addition'.
He is only seeking help for it AFTER you have found out about his 3 year stint on cheating. It is cheating OP.
SO your relationship during those 3 years, in essence, meant so little to him because not at any point during it did he attempt to stop or seek help. In fact he borrowed money from you to continue with it.

He is only sorry now because he has been found out. If he really had any respect and love for you he would have sought help long before you found this and at the very least should have let you know he was struggling with it when you started a relationship with him.
He didn't, because he isn't struggling with it. He likes doing it.

Addiction is the one they all pull out when they get caught. So you find it harder to be mad at them. Like they are ill and can't help it. Taking the blame off themselves.

As for not being able to afford your rent on your own. Go see your landlord or estate agent and tell them the situation you are in and that you need to take your name off the lease. Then move out. Leave him with the rent to pay.

If it was my dp done this, I wouldn't hesitate in blackmailing him into signing me out of the lease by threatening to tell everyone about his sick little hobby if he didn't.

Do not be embarrassed. he is the biggest shit out there. Get rid. ASAP.
YOu are worth so much more than this.