Only fans / cheating / porn addict

[Londongirl865]

This is my first post and I’m really looking for some honest answers. I’m feeling quite alone and not sure what to do.
Until last week I thought I was in the most loving, happy relationship. We don’t ever argue, we have many of the same interests and we are just so happy. We’ve spoken about having our first baby and I’m no longer on the pill. We have a home together and have been in each others pockets over lockdown as we’ve both been working from home. Anyway... I’ll cut to the chase he was showing me his bank statement and I noticed a subscription to onlyfans, and he denied using it claiming it must be an old subscription from before we got together (it was a pending charge for the day before - I’m not stupid). I asked him to leave because he kept lying and then I went on his computer to find thousands of downloaded paid for porn videos, this is money going out every month - he often claims he has no money so I cover him on many occasions, which I don’t mind, I earn more and I love him. I checked the dates he was doing this and it’s been throughout our entire relationship, even at times when he’s borrowed money off me he’s been paying for porn. For example I pay for all of the household bills because he says he can’t afford them, but because I earn more I can. The money he has been regularly paying out covers our bills and way more.... one month he spent over £400 on porn. I confronted him with all of the evidence and he told me he has a porn addiction (it’s also a specific type of porn which grossed me out... he’s been paying for pictures of random women’s feet amongst other stuff). I’m struggling to speak with friends about this because I’m embarrassed. We also have sex almost every day, so I’m just shocked that he’s doing this.... he said it’s when I go to bed and am asleep. It makes me feel sick as we discussed the use of porn when we first got together and both agreed it was not ok to watch in a relationship, or to at least hide from the other. He has also made comments on other people’s relationships / only fans and how awful he thinks it is to do this if you’re in a relationship.
He’s had a session with a sex therapist and he said he is committed to stopping and having therapy but I just don’t know what to do or if I can ever trust him again. In my eyes he’s cheated on me since we met, messaged women for intimate photos and paid for it. I’ve never felt the need to look at his phone or social media etc because we were in such a trusting relationship and now I’ve become someone I didn’t think I would be.
Has anyone else had a relationship with a porn addict? I just feel so betrayed and hurt. He’s also asked that we don’t tell people what’s happened because he’s so embarrassed about what he’s done/ what he’s into... so I’m having to pretend things are OK. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!

He’s only sorry that he’s not going to be able to afford to spunk 😂 ( sorry wrong word) £100 a week on his foot fetish because he’s knows that you aren’t going to subsidise him any more .

I doubt if he’s an addict, just a man who has a fetish about feet 😂 and in my opinion as far as fetish stuff goes it’s pretty common and probably one of the least offensives ones .
However you don’t like it and don’t want it in your life so it’s up to you what you do now .

@Ihatesalad

Yep I’m married to someone similar OP, all this had been talked about, he is very much a feminist kind of bloke— never ever suspected— found out when I thought our son as a teenager was up to no good (and I don’t mean porn) and monitored our router- and that’s when I picked up on it — all going on when I wasn’t there and Nor was son! He doesn’t know I know, I’ve kept my councel , I’m not actually totally anti ‘any’ but I am anti 5 times a week the minute I’m out the door. To be honest, he’s created a viscious circle for himself as I now have totally gone off sex and don’t 100% feel the same. I find it’s the hypocracy OP and secrecy that really really annoyed me. If we had watched stuff and he had said, ‘what me, I love a bit of porn frequently’ then you know where you stand— the fact they totally lie about their position on it means it’s like being with someone you don’t know that well

How do you monitor the router. Genuine question 😃

*I still cover the bills (electric, gas, council tax, internet, water etc) because he says he can’t afford that. He does pay his half towards the rent.

He has now sent all of his money to our joint account, and cut up bank cards / set up a new email account etc to show he wants to get better. He said he will just use our joint account from now on which I can access.*

One can imagine he's very eager not to lose his cushy number - both financially, he essentially lives off you .. and his respectable, nice, decent relationship cover for whatever fetish he feels he needs hundreds of images and videos of and can't find free.

I would leave. Start afresh, on your own for a while, then look into dating when you've done some work on what you want and deserve. I don't think you have a future together. Fair enough, he's trying now, but too much water under the bridge.
If you stay, it won't be a normal relationship in which you thrive, you'll be forever checking his phone, account, etc. You'll be like his bloody mother.
Let him sort himself out. He's not your responsibility.

The way I think about it with porn is ‘needs’ and ‘wants’ and someone who is using it very regularly , is usually in a ‘wants’ mentality rather than a ‘needs’ mentality.

This relationship can be fixed!

He has a problem, but it's not a simple porn addiction. That doesn't cost £400 a month. So the payment, messaging etc is a deeper layer.

He has issues, he seems pretty honest about them and will open up if he feels safe. Unlike your ex he hasn't tried forcing any of this on you.

Regardless of his sexual or porn tastes the money/payment is something he needs to understand and get to grips with.

There is absolutely no reason why this relationship cannot grow and work if it's what you both want and assuming he is willing to get that spending under control. Obviously if one of you doesn't want to put the effort in it's over.

£100 a week on his foot fetish

Foot fetish?

Thought it'd be something much rarer and more extreme.

It seems extremely doubtful he couldn't get materials free. He just get something out of interacting personally with the women he pays for images and videos.

*must

"I know it will be a completely different situation- but do you feel like he can change?"

No, and why would you want that for yourself and a child? He's been lying to you and sponging off you and getting his kicks from paying women to do as he tells them.

He's sick 🤢 a filthy pervert with no regard for women whatsoever.

Can't imagine sending my young kids away to him for 50% of the week. Which is what will happen because he's got zero respect for you and is trying to blame you for his lies and perversions.

Why are you reading the books he tells you to? Why are you so desperate for him? He doesn't even pay his own way! Sits there, shut away hiding and wanking away £400 a month. Vile

Yep. Leave.

There is no point. He's betrayed you. Don't have a baby with this man!

@Londongirl865

I know it will be a completely different situation- but do you feel like he can change? At least with drugs they can take drug test etc... I don’t want to be the police and look through his phone/computer for evidence.

Sorry to say but no, I don't believe he can/will. It's too entrenched. And the daily lies show he is not the man you thought he was. A lot of science now points to this being biological op. Listen to the podcasts below.

Paula Hall medicalises it and, of course, wants to offer hope of rehabilitation or she'd have no business. She talks a lot of sense but as the PPs (who have actual experience) have shown, the urge is too strong and the access is too easy. It's not like alcohol/drugs when they abstain. He will still have sex. Still masturbate. It'll still be easy to look online secretly. I would imagine he's slept with women too. Please move on. You're young. Don't waste your life on this man!

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/w3csyv0g

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p09c812w

"Well you can get rid, but the next bloke will have a porn addiction too. As I don’t think any exist that don’t."

you've got seriously low standards if you believe all men are porn addicts. Unless you're the OPs boyfriend?

I had a reporter contact me through here due to comments I made about children having only fans accounts.
Girls are finding their way to college quite easily.
Usually 16/18 year old white mc girls, that's what they are doing in their rooms.
If you are mc and have a dd, you better have a look at what she is doing, it's very common.
So, your dh is looking at young girls, the youngest I found was 14. One of my dd friends has 17k saved.
Open your eyes folks.

This must be a horrible feeling op. He sounds incredibly selfish - spending your money being one, but even worse is this,

He says he couldn’t tell me because he was scared he would loose me

He knew you wouldn’t like it. He put his own selfishness of wanting you, ahead of what was truly best for you. He wanted you, and didn’t really think or care that you would be hurt in the future. His need was more important than your pain.

Having dated someone with a “porn addiction”, that’s a really common theme. He talked a good talk, was romantic and loving but I noticed more and more that his needs were always more important than mine. He’d lie to me so he could do things that would hurt me. And he admitted that he knew it would hurt me, and did it anyway.

That killed my love (and more importantly, my sex drive ) stone cold dead.

I'd be very worried about all the lies. How easy is it for you to kick him out/ leave?

@RulesDontApply2Me

Well you can get rid, but the next bloke will have a porn addiction too. As I don’t think any exist that don’t. Just because you’re having sex everyday, doesn't mean it is satisfying. So either live with it, as he will always have it or leave him.

I’d more annoyed he’s paying for it. Tell him to get on Xhamster. It’s free.

Not true

A pretty basic definition of an addiction is something that negatively impacts areas of life, two being finances and relationships, this situation certainly qualifies.

Good he’s getting help, but you don’t owe him a relationship. This is a time to basically do what suits you. Putting the ethics of porn aside for a minute, what gets me and sticks out in your description is you sat down at the beginning of the relationship on what the relationship’s boundaries were re: things like porn. He went along with what he thought you wanted to hear with zero intention of follow through. That’s a pretty big lie of commission.

Finally please don’t let this knock your confidence OP, no woman could ever be good enough for him because he hasn’t integrated his sexual nature with the rest of his personality. I vaguely recall Germaine Greer saying that porn isn’t really demonstrative of us being liberated from our sexual repression, it’s about capitalising on and making large sums of money out of the fact we are repressed.

Read back all of what you just wrote in your opening post specifically with regards to your own actions: good solid communicator, can articulate boundaries, willing to step in to support a partner (and you didn’t come across as especially bitter about it even now!), obviously comfortable with your own sexuality. Speaking as a man you sound like a real catch and if anything your self esteem deserves to be going in the other direction.

The worst of it is that you were paying for these dirty photos and videos that would be the hardest thing for me to forgive. What a bloody piss take. I definitely think you at least need some time apart to work out what you want to do and also to show him how serious this is. I've read loads of posts on here who's men plead for forgiveness only to be found out again further down the line. Good luck it must be a terrible shock for you

It’s not just foot fetish.... that is just one of the kinds of videos pics he was paying for, I feel weird even typing what the other stuff was but essentially it’s not something you want your bf to be getting off to.... some of it was even speaking to camera, saying your girlfriend doesn’t even know what you’re doing etc asking for money and doing weird things on camera...like it just feels quite personal. It’s not just like normal porn, especially the only fans stuff.

He’s also definitely not looking at underage or illegal stuff on only fans. I have checked all of the ones he has signed up to and they are in their 20s early 30s. They are all sex workers / porn stars.

I am glad you are all being so honest on here though it’s really helpful to hear objective (kind of) opinions as I don’t feel ready to speak to my friends properly about it as I can’t help but keep thinking people will think it’s a reflection of me.

It won’t really be that easy for me to leave him. We can’t get out of our flat contract and I can’t afford to pay it all on my own, but money aside I really love this person so much, as far as I know he hasn’t ever lied about anything else and before this the relationship was really happy.

The reason for him borrowing money from me is that last year he quit his job as it was making him unhappy and he wanted to go back to studying as a mature student so I said I would support him through this if that’s what he wanted to do. Prior to that he would only borrow money occasionally just because I earnt more money than him (obviously if I knew back then in the early days what it was for / being spent on I’d never have moved in with him or borrowed him the money and he has always paid me back). It does mean he has lots more free time than me and us both working at home means he can do his work whenever he wants as uni is shut mostly still but I have to work core 9-5 hours. So he will often stay up into early hours on the computer “working” whilst I’m sleeping.

Reading my posts back I think I just sound like an absolute pushover - but I genuinely love him so much and I am in the position to help him with bills etc because I thought he couldn’t afford it and I didn’t want him stuck in a job he hated or unhappy. I suppose it does read like I have been truly taken advantage of and I can’t deny that. He is now saying he will pay for bills as he will stop the porn / now has 400 a month spare(?)

I guess I don’t have to tell him or even decide myself if I want to remain in the relationship right now. I think he needs to sort out the issue (continue with his therapy) and maybe we can revisit continuing the relationship. He has the option to move home to parents (he will have to continue paying rent) whereas I don’t have that, nor do I think I should have to leave my home because of what he’s done.

Hey OP,

I am so sorry you are going through this. From someone who has also experienced a similar situation I can absolutely relate.

My ex and I had been together for a few years when I found out he had been private messaging girls behind my back and engaging in sexual conversations. Following this I found out he was paying to chat to women on webcam chat rooms. I then found out he had a fetish for Transgender Females who still had their male parts. He had set up a private Tumblr page (I don't know how to use it) and it was filled with pornographic images of Trans women. I was heartbroken. Being in my very early 20s, self esteem shattered and being in an emotionally abusive relationship I was reeled back in until I met my now DP who has opened my eyes to how a loving and trusting relationship should be.

In my attempts to salvage what shred of relationship my ex and I had, I set up an adult sites restriction on his mobile contract and he did the same on his home WiFi but of course there are always ways. Since our split, he confirmed prior to meeting me he had engaged in oral sex with a man and that his new female fiancé has acted out some of his extreme fetishes, however he later confirmed she felt uncomfortable.

All contact with him has been ceased and it has taken a few years but I finally feel loved, wanted and beautiful again.

Please have a long think about this one OP.

I feel weird even typing what the other stuff was but essentially it’s not something you want your bf to be getting off to.... some of it was even speaking to camera, saying your girlfriend doesn’t even know what you’re doing, asking for money and doing weird things on camera...like it just feels quite personal

Mind boggled at what the other stuff is.

Of course if would feel personal - it's not pre-recorded porn with actors ... It's contacting, messaging, camming (?) etc with real women and it's sexual in nature, paying them for sexual.services and interaction.

some of it was even speaking to camera, saying your girlfriend doesn’t even know what you’re doing

This stood out - so part of what he's doing/paying for is actually being aroused by the interaction being illicit, being behind your back etc. - actually referencing you and decieving you ..... Quite honestly, that made me really angry on your behalf.

He's letting you pay all the bills for him except half the rent, he's quit his job (quite a luxury) and you're supporting him,he's been taking loavs off you on a regular basis to pay for sexual services behind your back ...and he's actually got the sex workers (to call a spade a spade) using your obliviousness, his deception of you ... As a narrative for arousal; for him to get off to.

I think is be in a police station by now for attempted murder if I came across stuff like that .... Fucking bastard.

You need to get your head out of your ass op, pronto.

This is not a decent individual.

Thank goodness you've discovered this before you got pregnant.

You've got the opportunity to dodge a bullet; ding put your head right in the line of fire.

*don't

He's a gaslighting, emotionally coercive, lying, cocklodging prick. There's nothing to save here, OP. I so hope you can see this before you invest more time on him.

Dear god, he needs to go back to his parents.