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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sexual assault or just got out of hand

143 replies

Fate32 · 25/04/2021 02:38

Partner and me have not been getting on for quite a few months, but still together (we have 3 children)

We still sleep in the same bed and both felt a bit frisky, he makes a move and I respond, nothing was said, but he starts getting very rough, mainly using his hands, couldn’t take much more (though I might faint) and he stops for a second and I ask him what he is doing, and I start to cry. Didn’t want to make a fuss as the children’s bedrooms are next to ours, he says he is sorry and sleeps downstairs and I go to the bathroom and I am covered in blood, it is all over the bed, my top etc, I go downstairs and tell him about the blood and he washes his hands.

I don’t know what to think, he has never done anything as bad as that before (been together over 20 years)

OP posts:
BlueDahlia69 · 25/04/2021 03:21

Oh my god ... are you okay ? do you feel safe 🌸

Pinkyavocado · 25/04/2021 03:21

Sounds fucking horrific! I’m gobsmacked you need to ask.

Aria2015 · 25/04/2021 03:23

That sounds so strange, almost like he's taking something out on you? That or he's acting out some tough porn that he's seen. I mean it's definitely crossed a boundary - there's a difference between getting hot and heavy and sexual violence and this sounds like the latter considering you thought you might faint and then were bleeding. A line has definitely been crossed. Do you feel safe now he's sleeping downstairs? If not, then you need to call the police but if that's not a concern for you, then you need to speak with him tomorrow and have it out with him. Personally I think this would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't trust someone to be intimate again knowing they'd done this, I'd be on edge the whole time worrying it might happen again. Sorry this happened to you, stay safe. Thanks

Aria2015 · 25/04/2021 03:24

*rough porn, not tough porn

Original poster
Fate32 · 25/04/2021 03:26

Yes I feel safe, just shocked that it happened.

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 25/04/2021 03:26

This sounds terrible I hope you are okay.

Do you think he has any idea how painful or bad things were for you?
Or does he think it was a period?
Does he know he hurt you?

RonaldMcDonald · 25/04/2021 03:28

@Fate32 you say he’s never done anything as bad as that before.
Has he done other bad things?

Jamboree01 · 25/04/2021 03:34

That is not right OP. He needs to go. Sorry 💐

Lullaby88 · 25/04/2021 03:59

I hope ur ok, that's really scary i'd be so shook up if that happened to me. Did he stop as soon as u wanted him to?

Jamboree01 · 25/04/2021 04:02

She asked him what he was doing and started to cry so it doesn’t sound like he did. No.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 25/04/2021 04:05

Wtf! OP sex should never "get out of hand", that's horrific. You say he's never did anything as bad as this, so I'm assuming he has done similar before?

KatieMarina · 25/04/2021 04:33

I'm sorry this happened. If you're asking whether we think it's SA or just got out of hand I don't think it's fair of any of us to judge that. That's down to you I'm afraid, you were in that situation.
Usually if something rough is happening it would need to be discussed prior to it beginning and you'd both need to discuss boundaries. You can do it in the heat of the moment but it relies on you both agreeing and enjoying it on the spur of the moment, which in this case you obviously haven't liked it.
If you don't feel comfortable around him you need to let him know or you need to get away from him for a bit.
None of us can say because we weren't in the situation. Technically speaking he didn't have your consent to do anything new and rough so it's possibly SA legally (although again, you were there and we weren't) but it's what it feels like to you and how you regard it. People sometimes are fine with rough and bleeding and feeling that intense. But as I said, it's usually a conversation before it happens where both people agree to it and discuss their boundaries and safe words. If you feel safe talking to him it might help you feel better.

I hope you're ok and know you don't need to justify yourself to anyone on how you feel, even if you do not blame him, you can always feel uncomfortable and not have to justify that to anyone.

Jamboree01 · 25/04/2021 04:36

👀 really. Blood? She cried? Not getting on but still sleep in the same bed?

This isn’t about safe words I’m afraid.

Jamboree01 · 25/04/2021 04:45

PS Op wasn’t trying to justify anything. She explained the situation and asked a question. This is not about having to justify anything. Your response is potentially dangerous.

KatieMarina · 25/04/2021 04:56

@Jamboree01

I didn't say she was trying to justify anything. I was putting it out there to let her know she doesn't have to. Since she's clearly not sure what she considers it at this point I was saying she doesn't need to try and justify how she feels even if she doesn't consider it SA, anyone can feel uncomfortable with something and that's fine.

And I didn't say she needed a safe word. I said these situations are usually discussed before they happen so both people can consent and make sure they both feel safe and comfortable. In this situation this might not be the same thing but we don't know the details and we weren't there to decide for her what this is.

Please don't start an argument under a sensitive post. This isn't for us to start on each other about. That's selfish. It's about the OP and how she feels and people offering advice and support. I didn't lead her towards a conclusion or push her into deciding anything. Everyone here is offering support and advice.

Jamboree01 · 25/04/2021 05:08

‘And I didn't say she needed a safe word. I said these situations are usually discussed before they happen so both people can consent and make sure they both feel safe and comfortable. In this situation this might not be the same thing but we don't know the details and we weren't there to decide for her what this is’

Abuse, violence or assault is rarely discussed prior to it being carried out. We are not starting an argument at all. Personally, I feel your support/ advice seems strange to me... and leading.

I’m not arguing, and I’m not being selfish. Genuinely worried about OP. She is in distress and doesn’t need to hear ‘justify or ‘safe’ words because anyone who makes a person cry, bleed and causes them to question what has happened to them is not a safe person to be around.

RantyAnty · 25/04/2021 05:18

Omg that's terrible. Yes, it is assault.
Did he have a knife or sharp object cutting your bits?

He needs to leave!

Iris27 · 25/04/2021 05:21

I hope you're OK OP. This does not sound right at all.

KatieMarina · 25/04/2021 05:42

I'm really not arguing. I'm here for the OP.

OP. May I suggest you call someone close to you who might be able to help you? Or perhaps a charity line who can help you with this? Whether or not you consider this SA or not you're clearly shocked and might need someone to speak to who can help you process what's just happened and help you figure out what to do next. Reaching out to someone you know or to someone trained to help might be a lot more helpful to you at this time.

Jamboree01 · 25/04/2021 05:47

I’m really grateful that you have changed your tune.

As I said, I’m not arguing. OP needs support and this has been the first step.

OP we are all with you. Please reach out.

tara66 · 25/04/2021 05:55

''covered in blood''? You and the bed and his hand? What?

Jamboree01 · 25/04/2021 05:59

Have not slept thinking about OP.

Fucking horrendous

Peachee · 25/04/2021 06:36

I think it’s assault whether you are willing to accept it or not. I’m so sorry this happened, it doesn’t sound like an action of love or goodness. It’s important you get real life support for this and co dude in someone who can give you an outside perspective. Someone you can trust and has your best interest at heart. Xxx

Peachee · 25/04/2021 06:36

Co dude??? = confide

Kittykat93 · 25/04/2021 06:51

How were you covered in blood?? Sorry I'm not understanding, but was the blood from your vagina? It would have to be ridiculously rough for you to be covered in blood surely ?? And if it was indeed that violent why on earth do you even have to question it?