DH just called me a *c**t, a w*nker and a selfish f*cling bitch

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Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic

Now the TV is up loud, he keeps telling me to f*ck off and giving me a death stare, telling me "Happy Saturday!", slamming doors and I can't go and sit with him as he will yell at me to f off

Because his alarm went of at 7.30 this morning as last night I told him to set it (he didn't have to, just knew he had things to do today)

Has a history of verbal/emotional abuse but always my fault

Currently upstairs shaking and scared, the cats are terrified and dog not happy either

Apparently I am selfish and don't look after him

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie - think he had this morning planned all along.

I am supposed to be seeing my family tomorrow but might not go now.

Things have been OK for a while but it's blown up this morning out of nowhere and it's all my fault

Relationship breakdown always takes two,it is never just one person’s fault.

This is completely untrue, and a very damaging message to domestic abuse victims.

There are a lot of steps and programmes and realizations that people make in order to get away from abuse.

The key is getting away. That's what they all boil down to.

Whenever someone leaves an abusive partner there will always be some (idiot) who is entirely taken in by the abuser. It is worth losing friends over. But as long as the victim is out of there it doesn't matter what a whiny frustrated abusive maggot feels about losing their punch bag. You need strong minded people to believe in you while you untangle the intricate layers of self doubt the abuser has encouraged and caused. Until you are string minded enough to look the maggot back in the eye and not give a shit what they think or say. The abuser doesn't matter. Getting out matters.

If you are physically safe now, get a shower and get dressed and get on with your plans for the day.

You will feel stronger.

Do talk to your DF. He asked if you are OK because he knows something is off. Having someone close know will also give you strength.

It’s nearly impossible but focus on not rising to his bait. No men’s shelters? “That is really a gap in needed services.” How are you? “I’m good, going to get a few things done today.”

Contact WA and start making a plan. It will take time. Definitely take any job you can to get out of the house and start earning a bit to save, and also to just have something of your own to do.

Many people would have to be in immediate harms way in order to leave their pets.

OP, your abuser is projecting when he accuses you of all those nasty things. That means he looks in the mirror, hates his own faults and gives them to you. If you listen, he will tell you all his dark truths packaged up as accusations.

An abuser loves to isolate their victim, hence deliberately creating a scene out of nothing to make you feel too awful to visit family. He planned it. If not the alarm clock, he would have found something to kick off about. Abusers are imaginative.

An abuser operates out of entitlement to control their victim and creates an alternative reality you both live in. He has you isolated from friends and family, jobless and broke: of course he believes he has "earned" the right to speak however he wants to you; he has worked hard to undermine your confidence and autonomy.

Physical violence is often rare or even absent simply because the fear of it makes you compliant. He doesn't need to hurt you - he only needs you to know he could and would. That controls you. He has you walking on eggshells while he cycles through a classic pattern of abuse.

Please check out a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I think you can access it free online. It changed my life!

Hi lovely, please speak to Refuge ASAP, take your cats with you. They can help you find temporary places where they will be fostered whilst you get yourself sorted.

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-about-pets/

Contact the cinnamon Trust about Foster care for your cat there are other organisations that will provide emergency care for animals while the owner flees you won't have to pay for your divorce if your on a low income and you don't even need to divorce him I didnt divorce my ex for five years he was abusive after five years they just rubber stamp it

you do know that he has prob done this to previous girlfriends and he will do this to the next one too. You may be an easy target - but this does not mean it is your fault. He will treat any partner like this. You cannot control this nor can you make him behave better. This is who he is.

Irrelevant but it really hurts that he says I sleep or rest all day. I do spend a lot of time upstairs but that is because I'm on the laptop applying for jobs or doing admin for my voluntary role.

He's just been walking around the house singing to himself. He does this quite a lot.

He's previously says I hate it when he's happy. This is another lie.

I'm dressed but not showered. Sat on the sofa still shocked. Lost any motivation to do anything but on the case if that makes sense.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them".

Please please talk to your df.
This moron is gaslighting you and it’s incredibly dangerous and unhealthy, it’s a way to see yourself as the one at fault, to make you put up, shut up and stay under their control.
Talk to your df, your db, offload and share how your life is. I would hate to see one of my family members in a situation like this and would do everything in my power to help them.
You’re so deep in this that you can’t see a way out but there IS ONE. No one should have to live this way, please confide in your family.

So sorry to read this OP.

What you are describing sounds like a textbook abusive relationship.

He has successfully alienated you from friends and family and has put you in a position where you are financially dependent on him and have no independence. This is classic abuse.

It is also very common for abusers to claim that you are the abusive one. My narcissistic ex loves to say this (apparently asking him to look after his own child is abusive )

All those posters who are asking why you haven't left or saying you must be at some fault clearly have no experience of abusive relationships. Ignore them. This is not your fault.

Please call women's aid asap and find out your options. I'm sure that with their help you will find the strength to leave and rebuild your life. Good luck OP.

The police on 101 will have someone who specialises in DV that you can talk to. Don't let him know you're onto him, not that you are making plans. He is at his most dangerous if he thinks you are leaving or planning to leave. Keep your plans secret. Get your essential documents together. Pack a bag and hide it where he will never look.

If violence is rare it's because the fear of it is all he needs to keep you compliant and walking on eggshells. If he ever touched your neck, you need to be extra cautious. Strangulation is the quickest way to death and it needs no weapons or preparation. Non-fatal strangulation is a new offence and taken very seriously. The fatal sort always has been, of course! There are only seconds between the two.

Get yourself safe. He can be forced to sell the house and split the proceeds. Women's Aid will advise you on affordable ways to divorce him.

Get yourself safe, please. You are worth so much better than this.

Oh OP, this is such a sad thread, please push really hard and make it your mission to leave this man ASAP. Does he go out or to work, or could you go out and call womens aid for advice? This is absolutely no way to live, I hope you're ok

You need to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as ebook or pdf if you search.

It sounds more like a mother and son relationship rather than husband/wife or partner. You made him set his alarm. Why, I'm sure he's big enough and ugly to set it himself.

You don't look after him. How old is he 12.

Its all your fault. How is it your fault. That's what a bully does manipulates you into thinking you're the one to blame.

Get out now. Please don't wait until you've got kids and theyre sobbing their little hearts out sitting on the stairs why he verbally beats the living day lights out of you

Look up the Freedom program and enroll on it. You don't need to apologise for existing. Get the Holly Guard app on your phone. The fact that his own mother warned you is a MASSIVE RED FLAG. There is always help out there - look up women's aid in your area and get some advice on how to leave this abusive relationship. You have nothing to apologise to him for.

OP my DH is similar. Also blames me of everything bad- even if it rains outside, it’s somehow my fault!
Sadly I’m foreign nationality here in U.K. so I can not do much, I’m dependent on him forever and he knows it.
I got not much family, actually only few in my own country of thousands miles away.
I got nowhere to go.
I got no money as I don’t work- he doesn’t wish too.
So I’m home the whole day, waiting for him to come and scream on me.
The other day I saw young neighbour opposite jumping into her car and driving away- I so much envied her.
The freedom, carelessness..to be able to do and go anything anytime anywhere..
I can’t go anywhere really. If I go into local shops, I get questioned where and why I go.
To buy something for me - I have to sell my own stuff I owned before I met him- to make money to afford stuff.
I used to live in London when single, had a good paid job, I was cool trendy with lots of friends. I bought lots of designer stuff which I still own some of them, slowly selling..
Anything breaks in the house, I’m to blame.

If our stuff gets broken like microwave, anything electrical he wouldn’t replace it.
He says I shouldn’t break it- my fault.

When I first started seeing him over 20 years ago, he was lovely and amazing .. but his family told me once that he faked everything to trap me- he was badly bullied throughout his school time so hence he is like that.
Sadly they live 8 hrs away and my family lives in non eu country I don’t even go for years anymore.

Many animal charities will offer foster care for pets of women fleeing domestic violence while they are in a refuge.

So many people here having a dig at you for telling him to set his alarm!

What they don’t seem to understand is that whether you did or didn’t tell him to set it the outcome would be exactly the same 🤷🏻‍♀️. It’s a no won situation for you....as it was for me.

It’s very similar....if he had a lot to do he would say to me ‘make sure I get up’ and my blood would run cold. If I ‘nagged’ him to get up I was in trouble and if I didn’t ‘nag’ him to get up I was in trouble. It’s all shit.

People who haven’t experienced one of these abusive people have no idea how their minds work. Those who sadly have experience of them know that it doesn’t actually matter what you do or don’t do because you’ll be wrong anyway.....even if you follow their ‘instructions’ to the letter you’ll be a stupid lazy cunt or a bitch who’s out to destroy them.

The police would go with you to collect your belongings, you can even ring them & ask them to be there when you leave. Just ring & ask to speak to an officer who specialises in domestic violence. What he is doing is abuse & coercive control, I was in your position, left with ds & the clothes we stood up in, I promise you it does get better than this.

oakleaffy
Sounds like a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship.

This^
If you don't already know about and understand co-dependency, and co-dependent relationships, then please start googling.

In truth it doesn't really matter how it got there, whose fault it is, etc. What matters is you're in one, and it isn't a 'happy co-dependance,' it's a deeply, unhealthy, unhappy one, and apart from him being an arsehole anyway, may be were he's getting a feeling he's a victim too, from.

He says "he has earned the right to speak to you however he likes" apart from that being rubbish, you don't need to "earn" the right to walk away. It is already yours, you were born with it if you are resident in this country, thanks to a lot of women before you who fought to give you that right. So take what is yours.

You need to end this horribly unhealthy situation and your, and your cats lives aren't going to get better until you do.

If you put your cats in a carrier and present yourself as homeless to your local authority you will be rehoused as a matter of priority. Just do it. Explain you are fleeing coercive abuse and you cannot go back. They have a duty to house you and in Covid it is easier. Also ring the police and tell them. Also your GP. You have to stop keeping his secret that's the first step.

There is a lot of help out there. You just have to be brave enough to say No More. Feeling suicidal is enough.

@BRB2021

Perhaps you could change to STBX (soon to be Ex), By "soon" I mean something like in the next year. So you have a vision of how it will be when you have managed to free yourself.

With help from MN, your DB and anyone else who can come to your aid, you won't need a year to get out.

There used to be a long running thread about abuse. Posters like yourself have what we used to call on that thread "spaghetti head." Realising what is going on is the first step to unscrambling your head.

Take it one step at a time. This allows you go forward without being overwhelmed.

@Newstaronhorizon

If you put your cats in a carrier and present yourself as homeless to your local authority you will be rehoused as a matter of priority. Just do it. Explain you are fleeing coercive abuse and you cannot go back. They have a duty to house you and in Covid it is easier. Also ring the police and tell them. Also your GP. You have to stop keeping his secret that's the first step.

There is a lot of help out there. You just have to be brave enough to say No More. Feeling suicidal is enough.

Unfortunately this is not the case. The council will very quickly find out that OP owns a house and she is not in physical danger. But please do get advice from Women's Aid OP.

Tell him one of your cats needs the vet, put both in the carrier, get in your car & go, or tell him you are nipping to the shop for something you forgot to buy. Just get out however you can.