DH just called me a *c**t, a w*nker and a selfish f*cling bitch

[21833efb]

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic

Now the TV is up loud, he keeps telling me to f*ck off and giving me a death stare, telling me "Happy Saturday!", slamming doors and I can't go and sit with him as he will yell at me to f off

Because his alarm went of at 7.30 this morning as last night I told him to set it (he didn't have to, just knew he had things to do today)

Has a history of verbal/emotional abuse but always my fault

Currently upstairs shaking and scared, the cats are terrified and dog not happy either

Apparently I am selfish and don't look after him

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie - think he had this morning planned all along.

I am supposed to be seeing my family tomorrow but might not go now.

Things have been OK for a while but it's blown up this morning out of nowhere and it's all my fault

He put a tracker in my car
Chilling isn't it 😳 this is the behaviour of a predator stalking its prey
Congratulations on escaping and owning your own life ⭐

Hi OP,

just wanted to tell you I'm so sorry what you are going through hugs

You are a wonderful person and deserve so much better.

I was in your situation 10 years ago and I left. One of the best decisions I made in my life.

From the looks of it you have family support so please speak to your dad or brother x

Call your DF and LEAVE! Your 'D'H is abusive and manipulating you. No one should live like you are in fear and treading eggshells every single day. I was in the situation once and I do not know how I lived like it. Unfortunately for me I didn't have the balls to leave because of my children but eventually he shacked up elsewhere.

Leave him divorce,and the house will be sold or he can buy you out.
He must be wretchedly unhappy too.
Relationship breakdown always takes two,it is never just one person’s fault.
Get a divorce.

He would do a very good job at convincing others that he is the victim and has only ever done nice things for me.

He's just been in to ask me if I'm alright. I said yes. If I'd said no then again he would've said I should stop being the victim.

I hate how he's making me out to be the abuser.

Need to find a way to call WA today but he's around. Their live chat is offline today otherwise could have done that.

Relationship breakdown always takes two,it is never just one person’s fault.

I disagree. It takes two for a successful relationship, but it only takes one to ruin it.

@21833efb

I know it's no excuse but his DM was abusive to him. We are no longer in touch with her anyway

I have never spoken to anyone about him, my DB had an inkling a few years ago but he thinks we're OK now and I can't bring myself to tell him otherwise.

My DD's partner had an abusive mo her growing up. She made excuses for similar behaviour because of that.

She wasted five years of her life trying to save him. Don't waste any more of your life lovely.

If I were you, I'd ring your DF, get in the car and go there. Your family clearly know what this man is like and they won't be surprised. You're actually in a decent position not working etc as it means you can just up and leave whenever you like.

You are trying to have an adult relationship with a man who is emotionally and psychologically a toddler, in terms of (a) his abilities to regulate his emotions and (b) his ability to see you as a real separate person in her own right.

Of course it's sad for him that something has gone very wrong in his own development which has left him so undeveloped. If you have an abusive mother it is hard to grow up emotionally and psychologically- because you haven't the tools. Many people do however enter therapy to try and work on this.

Your dh sounds like he has very little insight nor wish to do anything about it. He is still stuck in the stage where he thinks all problems lie external to him. He can't see the reality in much the same way that a deaf person simply cannot hear a sound.

We can understand why your dh might be like this as much as we like but bottom line he has serious problems and you need to stop living your life like this.

He's not in therapy. He accepts no responsibility. He has no wish to change.

You've got to leave.

@Amumtomyson

I need help too so following this thread

I suspect he becomes abusive before a family meet up because deep down he knows there’s a chance that you’ll go and tell everyone the truth.

By staying at home, you play into his hands.

Can you get up, get ready and leave earlier than he expects tomorrow? That might take the wind out of his sails a bit.

I’d also ask whoever it is you’re meeting to hold onto a few possessions for you, birth certificate, passport, old photos etc.

Sounds like a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship.
Almost as if you are the “ Child” seeking approval from cross daddy.
It is hard if only one person is working and the other doesn’t.. if no kids.

Following him about wanting forgiveness and hugs sounds like something you perhaps have learned in childhood..
His verbally arsey behaviour sounds similar- especially if his mother mentioned it.

Divorce is the only way, or live this wretched life for ever.

You don't deserve to be treated like this. You deserve to live happily and in peace.

Please phone your dad, your brother now. Please at least let someone know how you're being treated.

He put a tracker in my car

That’s truly scary, you do need to get away from him. You’ve had really good advice here re Women’s Aid and getting your cats fostered out. You can do this.

Please stop apologising to him! In your position I would try and communicate with him as little as possible, ie., not instigating any form of conversation. You said that the 'live chat' at WA isn't on today, and you can't call them because he's there. What would he do if you went out in the car, would he try to stop you? If so, call the police and tell them he's holding you against your will. However, if you can go out, either on foot or in the car, take your mobile, having put the number for WA in before you go, and call them while you're out.

@Mittens030869

*He put a tracker in my car*

That’s truly scary, you do need to get away from him. You’ve had really good advice here re Women’s Aid and getting your cats fostered out. You can do this.

That was a different poster, but anyway to my knowledge he has not put a tracker on my car.

@Miasicarisatia thank you. It’s the best thing I ever did and I’m really proud of myself to this day!

Okay, I apologise for the confusion, but anyway, the rest of my post stands. You can get away from this. You shouldn’t have to live the way you are.

@21833efb

I really did not mean to be selfish. I knew he had things to do today so thought he would want to be up early

I am such an idiot

I don't know what to do but I need to have a shower

One of the cats is sat underneath a stool up here in my bedroom (separate rooms).

He has you under his complete control, and it's likely he has for years.

He is the great untouchable and everything is your fault, you never think of him and his feelings, you do nothing right, you're worthless and nothing will ever become of you, you're nothing without him and you should be grateful to have him.

No. You are a shell of your former self, your husband is a narcissistic, controlling, abusive pig. I'd bet you're not getting jobs because of him - he doesn't want you to have any kind of independence.

He has hit you once, he will do so again. History shows that men who control and physically abuse their partners escalate as time passes and women wind up dead. All their own fault of course

There is a fucking cunt, wanker etc in your relationship and it is not you.

Please listen to the intelligent, wise, posters on this thread and contact Women's Aid. The book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft will open your eyes and emotionally set you free. The books even available for free download now - just do a, incognito, Google.

Absolutely no need for his reaction. Not saying anything to the contrary.

Just questioning Why does he need to be told when to get up? He’s an adults and if he has things to do it’s up to him to set the alarm if he wants to.

OP you need to leave.

If you are married you are entitled to half of the house, which may be enough to get you back on your feet again.

Cats protection offer a fostering service for domestic abuse victims, so don't feel that you cannot leave because of the cats.

Please seek help, you deserve better than living with that shitty man.

OP, you absolutely cannot continue like this. I can see you've had great advice already from other posters who are more clued-up than me on this stuff, but I wanted to add my voice.

Your posts show that this utter bell-end already has you doubting and needlessly blaming yourself, and it makes me sad for you. Please don't let the rest of it be like this, you're worth more.

Relationship breakdown always takes two,it is never just one person’s fault.

This is just so untrue and imo a really damaging message to give to someone who's already been made to doubt themselves needlessly. Very frequently it only takes one person to break a relationship.

You aren't going to have a life until you leave him.
Is your life not more important than a cats
If you want to live a half life, then continue as you are, it's only going to get better, and if he turns violent will your cats step in to protect you.
For God's sake go today, seek help, the cats are your least problem and it sounds like an excuse not to go.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm on the case.