DH just called me a *c**t, a w*nker and a selfish f*cling bitch

[21833efb]

Not really an AIBU but posting for traffic

Now the TV is up loud, he keeps telling me to f*ck off and giving me a death stare, telling me "Happy Saturday!", slamming doors and I can't go and sit with him as he will yell at me to f off

Because his alarm went of at 7.30 this morning as last night I told him to set it (he didn't have to, just knew he had things to do today)

Has a history of verbal/emotional abuse but always my fault

Currently upstairs shaking and scared, the cats are terrified and dog not happy either

Apparently I am selfish and don't look after him

Only last night he was talking about refuges for men and about how abusive women lie - think he had this morning planned all along.

I am supposed to be seeing my family tomorrow but might not go now.

Things have been OK for a while but it's blown up this morning out of nowhere and it's all my fault

OP thanks for reply - as he set the alarm himself he really does have something wrong with him - completely illogical and scary - does he not realize that? There can be no reasoning with him - I hope you see that.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4227418-Im-back-from-last-night-please-dont-delete

Really sorry OP, I'm just hoping the same kind people from last night may look on here. Thank you x

There are charities eg The Cinnamon Trust that will take pets on a foster basis until you can get yourself sorted with a house etc.

You must leave this man or he will destroy your life. Go to see your family, tell them what's going on and ask for support. Take the dog with you. While you're there contact women's aid. They will help you with an action plan.

The women's aid will have information about the links group where people volunteer to foster pets of anyone fleeing dv so your cats will be safe an you can leave.or you can contact the police tell them there is dv tingling and you fear for your safety.
You need to be strong now,don't let him make you a victim.take the steps you need to take.do it now.

He says I spend all day in bed or resting. This is not true. I do spend a lot of time upstairs but it's not sleeping - just looking for work or doing admin for my voluntary role.

I'm also up at 6am most mornings to let the dog out and feed her. I go to the gym most days too.

He's just had a go at me because I didn't get his clothes out of the washing machine after it stopped spinning and just said that I should stop winding him up.

He says he is a victim, and who would've thought after all the nice things he does for me.

He also won't let it go that there are not enough men's refuges and that I didn't like it when he said that women lie about abusing men.

I can see exactly what his game is.

You need to plan an exit from this marriage now.

Hi OP,
Firstly, you are not alone - you may not realize it but your friends and family will probably be more aware of your situation than you think. From what you've said your father or brother will be your best bet to inform first.

What you need to do is start making a plan - get items together (passport, national insurance number, mortgage paperwork, bank statements (don't panic too much as you will get legal help for this) clothes, medication etc)
Then check your local authority website - each will have their own women's aid support.
Make contact - you will be given an advocate who will help you access further help and support. Your advocate will be your first point of contact for help from solicitor, police and other agencies - they will be your voice in any MARAC meetings.
Create and emergency placement for cats - you mentioned friends that can help with this.
Your advocate will help you flee - I'm not going to lie here but you may end up in a shelter for a short while - Or they will help you stay - they will talk through all your options.

Now we have to talk about this weekend - if he gets worse and really can't get out then DO NOT HESITATE - DIAL 999. The police can remove him from the property and then bail him for 4 weeks, with an injunction not to attend the property or contact you.
If this happens you can then apply for an occupancy order (advocate will help you with this - don't panic). This order will help you stay in the property until sold or other arrangements can be made. It will also grant your husband right to access emergency accommodation.
You also need to start a claim with Universal Credit. When they get in contact with you tell them you are fleeing DV, you can ask for your payments to be fortnightly instead of monthly.
These steps will help you end the abuse, but it's bloody hard making that first step - the biggest fear is the unknown of becoming you again.
But you can do this!

My friend has just taken her first step to freedom after 28 years! Her soon-to-be ex isolated her from her family and friends but there was nothing we could do until she made the first step.
I've become her emergency accommodation to flee to but fingers crossed she got the occupation order last night. Even though she's not had to flee here, the police have already placed a marker on my property to be activated the second she walks in my door. Her husband stopped us from having contact eight years ago but the second she called I sprang into action - try to clear your head - you might not realise it but you may have someone like that in your past.
You can and will get through this - I promise!
Good luck - sending you a big hug and support xxx

P.s forgot to mention - record the abuse in your phone!

OP can I suggest that as you clearly find it difficult to talk to your family about what's been going on, that you write it all down in a letter to either your Dad or your brother, depending on who it is you're going to see tomorrow, then just hand it to them to read when you arrive. Please don't write down excuses for why your husband treats you this way, just tell them how hard your life is, and above all tell them that you need their help. This way, they won't interrupt you with questions before knowing the whole story, and you won't go off at a tangent while trying to tell them what's been going on. I do hope this helps in some small way.

Years ago he said he has earned the right to speak to me however he likes, and has recently said it again.

What on earth do you say back to this?

@21833efb

Years ago he said he has earned the right to speak to me however he likes, and has recently said it again.

What on earth do you say back to this?

Goodbye.

OP, you cannot live with someone who makes you so scared you are shaking.

Jessi's advice, above, is spot on. If you are in fear he will be violent call the police, that is what they are there for, to protect people.

Get a plan together. You and your cats. Call Women's aid. You need to get out. All the very, very best.

My ex used to do exactly this - if we were going to a family party on my side, he would purposely pick a fight half Ann hour before we were due to leave. It go to the point where we discussed it, I told him I knew what he was doing, and he acknowledged it, then at the next family party - the exact same thing happened!! And if I made plans with my friends and told him, usually with weeks of notice, he would ask " and what am I supposed to do?" Eh, make some plans for yourself dickhead, I'm not your mum!!

Get shot of him, you don't need to organise everything at once in regards to a divorce etc, just look at getting you and the cats out first and go from there, before he wears you down completely!!

@21833efb

Years ago he said he has earned the right to speak to me however he likes, and has recently said it again.

What on earth do you say back to this?

You say nothing back, you make plans to escape.

You leave. That's your reply.

I can see exactly what his game is
Good, now think of yourself as an eagle flying high above this situation, it's all laid out below you, you can see what he is and you can see what he's likely to do. You have the advantage of him, you can see above him and ahead of him.
Don't let him know that you are now in a stronger position, if he realises his instincts and his desire to dominate will make him start trying to crush you.
He's not very bright you can easily outsmart him, you just need to humour him

Please leave he purposely starts an argument with you the day before you see your family so you won’t go and become more and more alone and away from your support network.
You can leave with no money and nowhere to go it’s bloody hard (I did it with my two girls in tow and it nearly broke me) but you will get your life and your happiness back. Can you see yourself still living the life you lead in 5/10yrs from now? Or take life by the balls and go and things will be so different in half that time. Can you speak to women’s aid? Not when he is around? If you need further advice please PM me x

He said the neighbours are outside washing their car and can probably hear our argument.

He for now has stopped yelling, talking normally but still abusive. And going on about he is the victim.

He says he only gets 1 lay in a week (this is not true either)

Anyway sorry to ramble. Just helps to talk.

Have tried to apologise but just get mocked and sworn at.

You take the cats and leave, stay with your parents, be completely open about how he treats you. You block him and you get a job.

@21833efb

Years ago he said he has earned the right to speak to me however he likes, and has recently said it again.

What on earth do you say back to this?

You make plans to leave and you do it as soon as you can.

Do speak to Womens Aid asap.

And I'd get any job I could. Any.

@21833efb

I think he had this planned all along after saying yesterday that abusive women lie about being abusive, and that men's refuges are not commonplace.

I am still shaking and scared to go back downstairs

Forget about money and divorce for the moment. Just get out and go somewhere safe. ASAP. He's gaslighting you whilst abusing you, this isn't any way to live a life. You don't need money, benefits will get sorted. Get onto women's aid or similar. Don't let him drag you even further down.

You obviously need to leave, so get focused on making a plan. Contact woman's aid, and any other organisations in your area. Start to look into what benefits you'd be entitled to when single. Animal shelters may have someone who could foster your cats until you're set up in a new place.

You can leave OP! I did it 6 years ago with my little boy and my dog. Talk to someone, you need real life support.

Tell your brother and your dad. Tell an old friend or a colleague, just tell anyone. I told my colleagues and they helped me so much.

It isn’t easy but this is your life. You deserve happiness no matter what he tells you.

I’m so happy now. I have a lovely home, an amazing life and I’m starting to believe in myself after years of being told I was shit and at fault for everything, being randomly punched and spat at and putting up with ex cheating.

He tried to stop me, he put a tracker in my car, but I still did it and you can too!!!!!!

I know it’s daunting, I know it feels like the scariest thing but I promise it is no where near as scary as staying with an abuser xx

I was stuck in a horrible 15 year relationship a day finally got the courage to leave. Just wanted to say its hard but the best thing I have ever done!
4 years since then and im engaged to an amazing man and TTC. Life is wonderful now.
It will be the best thing you can do! Like everyone has said, please try communicate with family as they may have a back up plan for you and can support you through this.
Cat fostering is very popular now, put the cat in a foster and speak to womens refuges. You will get your cat back once you are settled xx

You don't need his permission or his acknowledgment the relationship is bad or his agreement that it is him that is the problem.

You know what you know and what he thinks about that is utterly irrelevant.

You will NEVER convince him he has done anything wrong