DH has left me. Cheer me up MN!

[DriftGames]

In 26, H is 31. Together 5.5 years, married 2.5, DD together 18mo.

He's always had flaws. Lazy, quite selfish (always made the plans, always did what he wanted to do and I just went along), plenty of flirting with other women in secret via social media, but he did look after me and through my rose tinted glasses I let all the shit slip.

After our wedding we decided to TTC DD1. Very excited, fell pregnant fast, all was great until she was about 3 months. I think I had PND but not diagnosed and lockdown hit. I don't live near any family or friends as I moved to be with him. He was furloughed for a little while (5 weeks) which was amazing but once he went back, it was back to me doing all of the parenting, night feeds (EBF and awful sleeper), the housework etc. It came to a head in June 2020 and he left. After some talking he came back and I admitted fault (unsure what for but that's narcissists for you).

Since June 2020, he's probably lived with his parents more than he has here. He knows he always manages to make the split my fault so I shower him with attention and he comes back eventually. Monday last week I asked him to help with DD at night as she's not longer BF and I'm exhausted and not coping well at work etc. He flew off the handle, asked me to pack his bags. I packed mine and DD's instead, left a note and then went to stay with family. We're back now. He's not seen DD. He won't give me house keys or make arrangements but is '100% done'.

Playing games? Maybe. Have I begged like a twat? Yes.

He says he's done. Because I asked him to help with his child.

I love him, but all said and done, please can you guys cheer me up and show me that me and DD absolutely deserve better and that I will get over this?

Congrats if you got this far!!

@Drinkingallthewine I responded 'OUR daughter is around her granny & uncle' and he put 'oh, coolio'

I'm prepared. I'll be devastated, of course, but prepared. I've actually had that conversation with my DM, that he will play best daddy but people will see through it fairly quickly when DD starts taking away time from their relationship & he gets lippy about it.

To add insult to injury, and potentially make me look very silly, he actually has an 8yo DS. Long story short, 9 years ago when we met, DS mum was pregnant but they weren't together. I said he had to be there for them both but decided it wasn't a responsibility I wanted at 17 and left, but then got back together 4-5 years later. At this point he had no contact with DS and didn't pay child support. I encouraged him to have contact and make amends from day one but he wasn't interested. Last august he said he wanted to have contact so I ensured I helped with this, and he's seen him weekly since. This just means that if I go through CMS it will reduce payments to both DD and his DS which I don't want!

he replied 'who's around my daughter??' So from that I would think he wouldn't have anyone around her that he wouldn't be comfortable with me having around her.

Mistaken thinking. You're assuming he applies the same standards to you as to himself, because you're a nice reasonable person. But you know, if you think about it, that's not true. It's why you split up in fact. He saw childcare as your job, not his, and still does. Double standard. He'll also assume he can tell you who should be around your daughter, while never thinking you'd get to do the same for him. Different innit?

I would advise two things here. One, don't have that conversation with him about new partners. You can't stop him doing any of it anyway, and it will only make you look jealous of what he's up to, and prompt him to ask about what you are doing and who you're allowing to be around DD. It opens the door for him to try to control that. Say nothing. Act like you don't care less about who he spends time with ever again. Your priority is your DD and your own best life.

Second, don't explain to him who is at your house ever or why. Don't give in to his sense of entitlement that you have to justify that. He left! Not his house, not his say so. Really don't store up trouble for yourself by thinking you have to reply to comments like this. I think if anything the 'not you!' that another poster said would be best. He doesn't get to leave but still have approval over your life.

“he replied 'who's around my daughter??' So from that I would think he wouldn't have anyone around her that he wouldn't be comfortable with me having around her.”

The opposite is true. He has a guilty conscience. He has someone waiting in the wings and he knows this is wrong so he is projecting on to you. I wouldn’t be surprised if they have met your daughter already.

I 100% agree with @WinterSunglasses

It's a pointless exercise talking to him about partners and not introducing them to your dd, he'll do as he pleases. As long as you continue to be the stability in her life, his partners coming and going won't affect her. My ex is terrible for this and has a constant stream of women, our dd now takes the Micky out of daddy and his 'girlfriends'.

I'd also not tell him who you have round your house, wtf has it got to do with him? As long as you keep your dd safe that's all that matters. Next time he asks, simply tell him it's none of his business who you are with or where you are, your dd is safe and that's all he needs to know.

I know it's create issues early on, but it will make things so much easier in the future. At the moment he's attempting to toe the line, as he doesn't want to look unreasonable, imagine how insufferable he will be when he doesn't feel he has to be reasonable any longer. He'll be telling you who and where you can and can't see or go whilst he swans around doing what he wants - errr no!

I think you need to say "Stop projecting your own standards onto me...." I'll move on when I'm good and ready.

Genuinely don't think there's an OW, yet. But could very well be proven wrong!

He was meant to pick her up at 12:30 but called at 12 to say he's 4 guys down at work so can't leave. Information he could have told me at 8:30 so I could have made other arrangements.

If there is an OW, good luck to her!!

So he his showing his intentions already DD isn't a priority and you will never be able to rely on him to have DD.

Honestly no more having her after work/popping in to see her.

If he wants contact let him sort out mediation and start a claim via CMS because I reckon he is going to be just as flakey about maintenance.

@RandomMess the idea was Tuesday after work and Thursday afternoons on his half day.

He's not had her one Tuesday, but two Wednesdays for 30 mins a pop and one Thursday afternoon.

My poor little girl deserves so much better than this.

Yes she does so tell him no more. No more updates or photos.

He can have her on Saturdays from 5pm to Sunday 5pm EOW or fuck right off.

@RandomMess he didn't even ask about her on the phone, just boasted about how busy he is now he's been promoted. I didn't engage, I just said well it's your choice. But not anymore.

I'm devastated for DD.

She won't remember any different he'll just be some vague uncle figure.

Just focus on plenty of reliable positive male role models in her life going forward

At least she doesn't have to witness his disinterest daily in her own home.

@RandomMess very true! Thank you. I think I'm just getting all down because of what he's done, again, to DD. I need you guys to keep me on my toes in times like this!

Sadly I think for your sanity reframe him as sperm donor and hope he exceeds your expectations of that.

Sadly I also think you will have to go via CMS for maintenance.

@RandomMess my mums been referring to him as that already 😂

If he has her Monday as planned, I'm going to get him to write something in regards to maintenance, an agreed amount and have him sign it. If he can't do that or agree a cost, then it'll go through CMS.

If I were you, I'd keep note of the dates and times of his visits. He doesn't sound too reliable, but it might help for you to have a record of events if he was ever plan on playing up x

Make sure you get him to agree to a reasonable amount of maintenance that factors in half an hour's contact per week. Cockwomble.

@DriftGames how are you doing? Did he agree to have DD tomorrow?

@IggyAce I'm doing okay thank you! Spending lots of time with family when not working and generally keeping busy.

He hasn't asked about her since Friday, I haven't text him. He said he was having her tomorrow (this was last weekend) but never said what time, though I did say it will be all day as I'll have made plans and won't be staying local. I may have briefly mentioned 9-6 but can't be certain, as I planned to speak with him on Thursday when he was meant to have her.

My plan going forward is to see if he asks about her today or mentions his intentions for tomorrow, if he doesn't then I will be going out with DD at 9:30am. If he arrives before that then he can take DD, if it's after and we're gone then he should have confirmed his intentions and made arrangements instead of assuming I will stay home all day waiting for him to arrive. I will not force DD where she isn't wanted and I will not stay at home and wait for him to maybe turn up or not, I won't let him control mine & DD's life that way!

Good for you, I hope you enjoy the rest of the BH weekend.

I hope you enjoy your weekend just read your whole thread you are amazing you are strong and you have got this x

@Mummapenguin20 @IggyAce thanks lovelies!

He's text asking how she is, if I'm sending her with lunch or if he needs to go to the shop. My reply was this:

'She's fine. You'll need to give her lunch and dinner but I'll send her with snacks. Get a pack of nappies and wipes to keep at your parents' too for when you have her. Pick her up at 9 and return her at 6:30'

He replied:

'👍🏼 what does she like to eat at the mo?'

Food. Provide her with food. That's basically him saying 'I've never paid attention to what she eats so please tell me'. I said 'picky lunch & hot dinner' - of course I'll worry all day about what she's eating but as long as it's food, she will be fine.

On the bright side I've finally sorted my new car and I collect it tomorrow! Then meeting a very old friend I've not seen for 6 years!

Wow how does he survive what do i feed her 🙈

@Mummapenguin20 I did BLW from 6 months so she's always had what we had - it's not like she's suddenly gone from purée and he doesn't know what to serve! Just useless.

@DriftGames it sounds like you're getting stronger by the day and things are becoming clearer for you. Well done 😘

He sounds unbelievably rubbish, but I think you sound like you're in your way to making some solid visiting and financial arrangements so big well done. Sooner you have set days etc, the sooner he doesn't have to keep you waiting around for him.

I'd hang off on the "when you meet someone else" talk, for until it actually happens. Don't feed his ego by letting him know you've thought about it and don't give him an excuse to argue with you.

You are one amazing woman, you've done great things and your little lady has got an ace role model. Take care xxx

Thanks so much @MrsNewms85! He took her today, I managed to get him to tell me his plans, he was meeting up with ExGF and his son and going on a day trip. Did this bother me? Massively. Did I show it? No. Ultimately my only issue would be if he tried to palm his responsibilities off onto ExGF but I don't think she'd put up with it tbh. ExGF & DS also met his parents today for the first time. First day he has his daughter after leaving his wife and he has his ex and son over for the first time to meet the family - I think this is weird but ultimately it's not my business.

I've had a lovely day, been for a loooovely drive in my new car & met an old friend ExDH stopped me speaking to when we met and generally just feel very positive.

When he dropped DD off we got into an argument and to cut a long story short I just said I don't love him anymore and we are both moving on so we don't need to talk unless it's about DD, so if we can arrange contact and maintenance now then there's only a few matters left to sort (shared debt etc which he has no intention of clearing) which can wait a little longer as it's under control. He just kept trying to get an argument out of me, but I managed to get contacts days and maintenance agreed so hopefully that's all the big stuff out the way.

As he left he asked how much my new car is 'robbing' me to insure. He's so annoyed about the car because he thought I'd be stuck in my old, low, impractical shitbox forever and I'm not so he's trying to dim the whole situation down.

DD just settling to bed (very late night for her!), I'm going to order a takeout and have a glass of wine then head to bed 😊