Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

37 and want a husband/family

243 replies

Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 15:46

A good friend of mine met a guy last year and is moving in with him already. Her ex was a total commitment phobeand dumped her as soon as she started to get serious about moving to be with him.

Another friend has just announced she's pregnant and I'm so happy for her. And another friend is getting married this summer.

Yet here I am, 1.5 years in, and the future is not spoken about with my boyfriend. The fact that we don't talk about it, makes me think there's no point in bringing it up- he alludes to one day, as in the future being able to afford an expensive home, and he's thinking of purchasing a big car for possible kids one day, but I suspect he's not a realist and a commitment phobe himself.

I'm scared of starting dating again, it just gets harder and harder, and I've been here so many times before.

But I should also draw inspiration from my friend who has found love, and when it works, it just works and can happen quickly.

Not sure what I want from this post.

Any advice?

OP posts:
seven201 · 15/04/2021 11:00

I'm sorry the chat didn't got well. It's so good you found out now though as there's still time. Go tonight and talk to him but unless he's changed his mind don't stay for the long weekend. Spend that time feeling sad for the end of a relationship, ready to pick yourself up again.

belle002 · 15/04/2021 11:04

Be ruthless and clear about you want. I have always said that I’m not here to waste time and want a family by mid 30s and that partners need to let me know if this isn’t on the cards as it’s very unfair to waste a woman’s time when she could be building a life with a man whose future plans are aligned. I’ve always found that men appreciate the confidence and honesty and they can either jump on the train or bow out. It’s not about being needy or wanting a baby with them per se, it’s just about stating objective facts about what you want and need and requiring them to be upfront and honest as well.

CoconutMaracas · 15/04/2021 11:04

I don’t think people are being horrible at all. We have all been in that drifting relationship and know that fertility isn’t something to be messed with. You have a timescale so being afraid to speak up or leave is likely to leave you childless. People want you to find your inner strength because you want 2 dcs and that won’t happen if you continue to drift. He has spelled out how he feels and unless he does a complete turnaround - you know what you need to do.

Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 15/04/2021 11:04

Thank you seven201 and A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 Flowers

OP posts:
Sssloou · 15/04/2021 11:08

I just didn’t talk about it practically in terms of timelines until last night.

It’s good that you have done this.
Know that his “non-committal” response is a time wasting, disingenuous “No”.

That’s hard for you to stomach. It must be shocking and tough.

Once you stop reverberating - know that the ball is in YOUR court 100%.

YOU get to choose by your actions or inactions if you are to be childless.

He has made his choice.

It’s simple. Time is just about on your side.

Get out. Meet some else or go it alone.

Or stay giving up your deep desires for him. Is he worth it? I have never met a man who was. The RS will then just erode as your repressed resentment will subconsciously drain any love.

Make a good choice

belle002 · 15/04/2021 11:09

Oh so sorry OP I didn’t see the updates at all! Glad you’ve had the chat and much better to know how he feels now and either be able to work on that or move on, rather than wondering for longer. He might change his mind but I would give him a timeline to do so (in your own head). And even though dating sounds daunting, it really doesn’t have to be - there are heaps of great guys out there! It will all work out in the end so keep your spirits up xx

NoatheQueen · 15/04/2021 11:35

This is such a good example of why friends in crap relationships drift apart or as a friend you say nothing
Friend A is miserable in their relationship and asks friend B for advice.
Friend B gives honest advice and says get out
Friend A gets offended and tells friend B off
Friend A makes friend B the problem and not her relationship

blowinahoolie · 15/04/2021 11:53

@NoatheQueen

This is such a good example of why friends in crap relationships drift apart or as a friend you say nothing Friend A is miserable in their relationship and asks friend B for advice. Friend B gives honest advice and says get out Friend A gets offended and tells friend B off Friend A makes friend B the problem and not her relationship
I agree with you. It's very important to be ruthless. I knew DH was marriage material early on so we got on with it all fast, even in my early twenties. Gives plenty time in case there had been miscarriages (which there were). Lots of time to create a large family if we decided to (which we did).

You have to be upfront early on about what you want from a relationship. Definitely not wasting 18 months with the wrong person.

Sandgrown1970 · 15/04/2021 12:01

You have to be upfront early on about what you want from a relationship. Definitely not wasting 18 months with the wrong person.

Everything the OP has written suggests she was upfront. She made it clear she wanted children. He repeatedly agreed he did too. Only now when she’s tried to bring up the specific timescale has he started coming up with bullshit excuses and doubts. If she has said early on “I want marriage and children” and he has said “me too” and got to the point of suggesting purchasing a car suitable for future children why wouldn’t she take him at his word?

And the whole “you must have low standards” comment is hurtful and usually said by women who were very lucky and met the right person young. And I say that as someone who was very lucky and met the right person at the perfect age. But my single, childless friends and relations have always had the “too low standards” or “too picky” comments bandied about at them. They can’t win. I can see why someone like the OP who has seemingly tried her best would find some of these comments unnecessarily harsh, judgemental and simplistic (ie the sperm donor suggestions).

Itlod1982 · 15/04/2021 12:08

I think the OP has made her intentions clear and is being really strong in communicating them and considering if the relationship has a future.

The only suggesting I've made is that I think giving him an ultimatum could be the worst possible solution as nobody should feel pressured in to children. If he agrees just to 'keep' her it could backfire and OP and her DC could be the ones to suffer as a result.

Hope it all works out for you OP Thanks

murbblurb · 15/04/2021 12:29

Neither of you are wrong but sadly you have different plans for life. He is realising he doesn't want kids but knows that a definite 'no' means losing you.

I'm so sorry but there is a tough choice to make.

KatherineOfGaunt · 15/04/2021 12:50

You may not come back and see this, OP, but I was in a similar-ish position. I was with my partner for 10 years before we got married (I was 36, him in his 40s) and we had our baby when I was 37. About a year later he told me in a discussion that he hadn't really wanted a baby but went along with it for me because I wanted one so much (although said he's very happy we do have one). I was so upset, although it's clear he loves our child and is a great dad. But at the time we were trying it wasn't what he wanted and I never knew.

We'd had so many arguments and even split up twice over the decade before we got married because he knew what I wanted but it was always a future thing for him. Eventually it worked for us but it's so hard along the way.

I hope you manage to have the discussion with your partner soon and I think you do need to tell him that this is what you want and he needs to decide very soon what it is he wants. If the two aren't compatible then you have to say goodbye to him. If you stay with him then you may regret not having children and there could be resentment towards him. If you leave him you may still not have children but at least you would have the knowledge that it wasn't another person stopping you from doing so.

Good luck and virtual hugs Flowers

Flyingbirdie · 15/04/2021 13:01

OP, I think you should talk to your DP first before jump into conclusion.
for example, maybe he is not worried about getting married with you, maybe he doesn't want to have a marriage but 100% committed to you, or he maybe one of their guys doesn't like weddings, or he is waiting to save enough money to buy your the ring.

What I am saying is, don't just come down to worst scenario first without talking to each other.

Miscommunication is the biggest problem in couple's relationships.

Marlena1 · 15/04/2021 13:03

OP, I was in a similar (ish) position age 33. The guy did something bad and I dumped him. I'll always be grateful he didn't run back grovelling as he always had before because much as I hate to admit it , I was scared of being on my own/going back dating and I probably would have gone back to him and wasted time. While I agree with a lot of what a pp said about someone who treats you like a princess etc being rubbish, there are nice guys out there who want what you want. My DP and me had the chat really early on and I was pregnant within months. I know it's hard OP, good luck.

Clymene · 15/04/2021 13:11

@Flyingbirdie

OP, I think you should talk to your DP first before jump into conclusion. for example, maybe he is not worried about getting married with you, maybe he doesn't want to have a marriage but 100% committed to you, or he maybe one of their guys doesn't like weddings, or he is waiting to save enough money to buy your the ring.

What I am saying is, don't just come down to worst scenario first without talking to each other.

Miscommunication is the biggest problem in couple's relationships.

She has talked to him. She's made it clear what her ambitions are and he's future faked her.

He's an arsehole

Fabiofatshaft1 · 15/04/2021 13:24

Whether he’s intentionally stringing you along, or he’s doing it unintentionally, he’s still stringing you along.....

As another poster said: He’s not ecstatic about marriage or kids, but he’s kicking it into the long grass to pacify you...... Or words to that effect, and it seems to be so...

Your comment about his comment about buying an SUV because it’s more ‘ family orientated ‘ and the fact you clutched to it like a drowning man does to a straw shows your desperation and hope that things will change.

I’m sure to him, it was just a ‘ backburner remark ‘ and didn’t really have much meaning to him.

Nobody posting on your thread is being deliberately hurtful to you, they care for you and your predicament and are just being brutally honest....

Something your bf can’t be accused of.

Everyone wishes you well.

Anotheruser02 · 15/04/2021 13:30

Oh god I was with someone like this, I still resent him now.

As soon as you put your needs on the table with someone like this you are 'nagging', gutless arse holes who can't deliver the news that they have been stringing you along will always revert it back to you that you are the nag, you are the problem in this conversation.

Sorry OP I understand. Flowers

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/04/2021 14:04

@Anotheruser02

Oh god I was with someone like this, I still resent him now. As soon as you put your needs on the table with someone like this you are 'nagging', gutless arse holes who can't deliver the news that they have been stringing you along will always revert it back to you that you are the nag, you are the problem in this conversation. Sorry OP I understand. Flowers
I think a lot of us have! It's very common, future fakers. In my case I was 31 and had moved to be with him and he was 39. When cornered he finally pulled the 'We have a good thing now why can't we just keep that going'. Nope.
Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 15/04/2021 14:24

Hi OP, Sorry you are sad and that some posts have felt unkind. This man sounds totally selfish and has been deliberately running down your biological clock with his future faking comments with no intention of giving you what you need to make you happy. Dump him now - or you will come to hate him for wasting your time and literally stealing your fertility.

Flyingbirdie · 15/04/2021 15:05

Sorry I only saw Op's original post, didn't see that they had talk already.

I just wanted to give sound advise, because sometimes we all does this, fell into the trap of assuming the worst of everything, but when we talk to each other about it, things is far different to what we imagined.

RosieLeaLovesTea · 15/04/2021 18:30

Hi OP he has told you his answer - not sure he wants kids or if he will ever want them. Sorry to say it but I think you need to part ways and find a partner sleep wants to same things as you.

anthurium · 16/04/2021 15:04

Lots of good advice from other users.

I just want to share my story. I know you aren't interested in solo parenting, however it really is a viable option.

I am currently pregnant via IVF using a sperm donor, aged 39. I was lucky and the treatment was successful the first time. I really gave dating a go after my divorce aged 36, however the longer the dating went on the more it made me realise that I was just panicking about my fertility, less so about finding a partner. Once I made up my mind it gave me more control of the situation rather than being reliant on a future partner to realise parenthood with, yes I would have liked that, but time was really running out.

Also, it'd be wise to go and get some fertility tests done so that you know where you stand. I discovered that I had a blocked tube unbeknownst to me, so had I actually not known this I might have wasted even more time trying to conceive the old fashioned way, not impossible but also not recommended for women aged 35>. Also, the state of your partner's fertility is important too, not to be assumed that everything is in order, it's impossible to predict without trying or having done some initial fertility tests.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

LivBa · 16/04/2021 17:31

@Loveadvicepls

noathequeen

You deserve a man who adores you, is straightforward and it straight up committed to you and loves you.

Not sure if he even exists Sad

Well of course you don't think they do OP @Loveadvicepls - you waste your time with the ambivalent men like your boyfriend! Stop being self pitying and take charge of your own life. Sorry if it sounds harsh but you a grown adult and need to face the reality of your own decisions. You may have already left it too late for biological children having wasted 3 years with this man and already 37 but there's still plenty of time to have adopted children with a lovely man (if biological children don't work out)
Dery · 16/04/2021 17:51

“There’s the possibility that even if you give up having kids to b3 with him,that the relationship will fail anyway. Then you’re left with lost opportunities to have a child, and you don’t have him either. I often read on these threads about men being reluctant to commit, then they split up and have children with someone else.”

Not RTFT but this with bells on. I know of women who have foregone children in order to be with a particular man only to have him go off when her fertility window has closed and start a family with another woman. That’s pretty rotten behaviour by the man but women have to take some responsibility for allowing themselves to be in that position.

What he’s telling you is he doesn’t want children with you. He may or may not have them with someone else in the future. He has the luxury of time, you don’t. You, on the other hand, have the ability to become a parent without anyone else’s involvement but he doesn’t. When it comes to weighing up the trump cards, that’s the one I would rather hold. You say you won’t have a child alone which is your prerogative but it exposes you to ending up childless.

KeflavikAirport · 16/04/2021 20:55

I met my DH at 36 OLD and have two kids. The good news is that at our age when it’s tight you don’t muck about so things can fall into place quickly. But you have to be ruthless with time wasters.