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Original poster

37 and want a husband/family

243 replies

Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 15:46

A good friend of mine met a guy last year and is moving in with him already. Her ex was a total commitment phobeand dumped her as soon as she started to get serious about moving to be with him.

Another friend has just announced she's pregnant and I'm so happy for her. And another friend is getting married this summer.

Yet here I am, 1.5 years in, and the future is not spoken about with my boyfriend. The fact that we don't talk about it, makes me think there's no point in bringing it up- he alludes to one day, as in the future being able to afford an expensive home, and he's thinking of purchasing a big car for possible kids one day, but I suspect he's not a realist and a commitment phobe himself.

I'm scared of starting dating again, it just gets harder and harder, and I've been here so many times before.

But I should also draw inspiration from my friend who has found love, and when it works, it just works and can happen quickly.

Not sure what I want from this post.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 17:06

Yes I think I might when I tell him my friend is pregnant
I can say ‘ do you see us having a baby soon?’ And see his response

OP posts:
peak2021 · 14/04/2021 17:08

I agree you need to make sure the question is not avoided. I sense commitment phobe but could be wrong.

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 14/04/2021 17:08

On the plus side things are opening up again, people are out. You’ve got absolutely nothing to lose by discussing it with him. If it doesn’t go the way you want it to, you’ll be saving yourself time that would otherwise be wasted.

Dervel · 14/04/2021 17:08

He is committed, he’s just committed to to what he wants and to the level that aligns with his preferences, and it looks like all his needs are being met so from his POV why change it?

If that doesn’t work for you and it sounds very much like your preferences are not taken into account in the relationship then it is time to end it, and move on.

I get you are hesitant to date again, and I don’t want to sugar coat it. Pickings are slim at this end of your 30s in the dating space. I hope your luck is in as I’m a romantic at heart and love a happy ending, but I’d brace yourself for the possibility that you may miss the boat re: having children. However I don’t see why you couldn’t get into a good marriage eventually.

EarthSight · 14/04/2021 17:09

He's 43????

I'm so sorry OP but I think he's wasting your time, and he knows it. He thinks that if he can coast along with you for another few years that by the time you start, trying it will be too late. Then, faced with IVF or adoption, he can say he doesn't want to go through all of that and hope that instead of leaving him for the tiniest possibility of having children, you'll stay and spend the rest of the relationship on his terms.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/04/2021 17:11

@Loveadvicepls

Yes I think I might when I tell him my friend is pregnant I can say ‘ do you see us having a baby soon?’ And see his response
Or you could say, " I want a baby soon, as I'm already 37 I want to start trying within the next six months. Are you up for that? If not, fine, but let's call it a day, as this is crucial to me."
A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 14/04/2021 17:12

I think saying you’ll miss the boat re children is unnecessarily pessimistic and harsh! You’ve still got time. But I’d maybe opt for a fertility check and consider freezing eggs if you do start dating again.

countrypunk · 14/04/2021 17:12

@Loveadvicepls

Yes I think I might when I tell him my friend is pregnant I can say ‘ do you see us having a baby soon?’ And see his response
Argh, don't say that. You talk like the decision is purely his. Say 'I want to have a baby and I want to start trying now. How do you feel about that?'

You need to get in the driving seat of your own life.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 17:13

@Loveadvicepls

Yes I think I might when I tell him my friend is pregnant I can say ‘ do you see us having a baby soon?’ And see his response
Still giving him all the power and agency. Why not have an adult conversation with him about what you want. He's got forever to get that. Why so passive? Are you that desperate to keep him? If he'd wanted all that he'd have done it already. Sorry, but your allowing other people to control your life is tacitly agreeing to yourself that actually, you don't want marriage and kids.
Rozziie · 14/04/2021 17:14

@Dervel do you reckon the same is true even with the pandemic? I feel so cheated, as I went into this aged 34, and am going to be 36-37 by the time it's 'over'. I was hoping there might be some nice guys who had also been forced to just sit and wait for 18 months but maybe not?

riotlady · 14/04/2021 17:14

@Loveadvicepls

Yes I think I might when I tell him my friend is pregnant I can say ‘ do you see us having a baby soon?’ And see his response
Honestly I think that’s too vague a question and gives him room for too vague an answer (“oh yeah babe of course I see us having kids one day”)

I think you need to be really, brutally honest about what you want. “I’m 37 now, and as you know I’ve always wanted children. I would really like to start trying within the next year. Is that something you’re up for?”

If he hems and haws and maybes, the answer is no.

Ohnomoreno · 14/04/2021 17:14

Babies are seriously overrated. I had an unsettled life as a child, but I had carved out a good career and was able to manage my insecurities. I have found motherhood really hard in that respect, much though I love my kids. It often feels as if it keys into my deepest flaws and finds me wanting.

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 14/04/2021 17:16

@Rozziie I think there’ll be some nice guys out there who’ve been forced to sit it out and wait. I know a couple who’re looking to settle down after this and hoping to meet someone - mid thirties and lovely

Dervel · 14/04/2021 17:20

I hope I’m wrong on that I really do, but the OP sounds like she is stuck in a pattern of meeting her partners needs whilst sidelining her own. That will require a fair bit of self reflection to overcome, and THEN she’s got to find a guy who is on the same page, have a little bit of time to see if they are compatible and get to try and conceive in a pretty short time frame.

I honestly find these outcomes really tragic, I’m a guy myself and as soon as I hit my 30s I come down very harshly on guy friends who string women along like this.

Wanting marriage/children is not an unrealistic expectation. If a guy isn’t making steps in that direction it’s best to end it and try to find someone who is.

Dervel · 14/04/2021 17:24

@Rozziie I really hope you find someone, but you have to prioritise yourself and your own needs here. My only advice is to filter out guys who aren’t interest by watching what we do and ignore what we say. A guy who is interested in commitment and a future will SHOW it and not just say it.

Cam2020 · 14/04/2021 17:26

I think sometimes men don't think on the same time scale as women because they don't have to. He could very well be serious about doing those things but is on man time - perhaps the fact that you haven't brought it up makes him think you're not ready for that yet? Or he could be a commitment-phobe and throwing you the odd breadcrumb. Unless you have the conversation, you'll never know.

Dont accept less though and don't be put off by starting all over again (easy to say, i know). If you feel you've compromised on sonethibg this big, the relationship will eventually sour anyway, so at least give yourself the chance to find someone else who wants the same things as you.

seven201 · 14/04/2021 17:27

I had to give my dh an ultimatum about getting married and having a baby. He would have coasted along if not semi forced into it. 8 years later we're still happy with a nearly 5 year old and we've gone through a lot together (bereavement, years of secondary infertility). Sit down tonight and tell him what you want and when. Give him the option of getting on board or ending the relationship.

If you do split up I think you should do a few rounds of egg freezing. I have a couple of friends who are late 30s who are just starting the process. It's very sensible if you want a baby one day.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 14/04/2021 17:30

Yes I think I might when I tell him my friend is pregnant
I can say ‘ do you see us having a baby soon?’ And see his response

Don’t do that. It manages to both give all the power to him, and make it an abstract concept.

@Rozziie I know some lovely mid-30s men who have been forced to sit it out because of the pandemic and are keen to meet someone to marry/have kids with... they are out there!

TakeYourFinalPosition · 14/04/2021 17:31

If you do split up I think you should do a few rounds of egg freezing. I have a couple of friends who are late 30s who are just starting the process. It's very sensible if you want a baby one day.

I looked into this at 27, funded by an employer, and everywhere told me I was too old for it to be worthwhile. That’s only a few years ago, but perhaps the advice has changed?

I could have paid for them to do it anyway, but the chances of success were really low.

category12 · 14/04/2021 17:35

Suggest you say:

"Hey dude, Nancy is pregnant, and you know what it got me thinking. I'm 37 and my fertility window is shrinking. If you see us married and having children together then we need to crack on with that."

Anything less than let's set the date and start trying you need to ditch the guy.

Bluntness100 · 14/04/2021 17:35

Op you are being passive. Just ask him where he sees rhe future and if he sees you both getting married soon and children and to define soon

If you can’t even ask the question then there is no way it’s ever happening between the two of you.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 14/04/2021 17:38

T met my last husband at 38 and he wanted to have kids with me, I had one long before I met him. This was after 15 years of being single.
The marriage lasted 20 years but he turned out to be infertile when we did all the tests, completely infertile so that was that.

MMMarmite · 14/04/2021 17:39

Or you could say, " I want a baby soon, as I'm already 37 I want to start trying within the next six months. Are you up for that? If not, fine, but let's call it a day, as this is crucial to me."

Absolutely this. This is one of the most important things in the world for you, right OP? So don't let him get away with "oh yeah darling, I see us having kids some of time, when the time is right".

If at 43 and after 1.5 years he's scared off by the direct question, then he's stringing you along and you're better off knowing that and moving on.

GreatestSh0wUnicorn · 14/04/2021 18:04

If you dump him you need to be very specific when you start dating again my friend was like you, ended up single at 36 was very clear on her OLD profile two kids by 40 married at 37. Another stayed with the maybe someday guy got dumped at 43 he now has kids with the next girlfriend.

Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 19:03

I just can’t face dating again Sad

OP posts: