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Original poster

37 and want a husband/family

243 replies

Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 15:46

A good friend of mine met a guy last year and is moving in with him already. Her ex was a total commitment phobeand dumped her as soon as she started to get serious about moving to be with him.

Another friend has just announced she's pregnant and I'm so happy for her. And another friend is getting married this summer.

Yet here I am, 1.5 years in, and the future is not spoken about with my boyfriend. The fact that we don't talk about it, makes me think there's no point in bringing it up- he alludes to one day, as in the future being able to afford an expensive home, and he's thinking of purchasing a big car for possible kids one day, but I suspect he's not a realist and a commitment phobe himself.

I'm scared of starting dating again, it just gets harder and harder, and I've been here so many times before.

But I should also draw inspiration from my friend who has found love, and when it works, it just works and can happen quickly.

Not sure what I want from this post.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 22:47

noathequeen

You deserve a man who adores you, is straightforward and it straight up committed to you and loves you.

Not sure if he even exists Sad

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 14/04/2021 22:48

@Loveadvicepls

He said he can’t give me what I want right now I explained I’m not asking anything from him right now, I just want to know if we are on the same page for the not so distant future He says he just doesn’t know This is so infuriating He’s not suddenly going to magically decide overnight is he? Sad Now the thought of losing him is awful as it’s a real possibility But at the same time he can’t love me properly if he’s so unsure
He's been clear, at least, at last. He can't give you what you want.

He knows what you want, he's had 1.5 years to think about it. He's saying that the answer is no, he will not take the next to step on this path. He's leaving it open that he want to walk that path at some later date, but not in the timescale you need, so that's useless to you.

Woodlandbelle · 14/04/2021 22:48

I would go with the intention of one night. But be strong and go home as soon as he comes out with the excuses. Which he had already started. Forget him. Go be honest starting the nagging talk already just because you bring up the future isnt good.

Bluntness100 · 14/04/2021 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 22:51

Bluntness100 I think you’ve confused my thread with the other one Flowers

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 14/04/2021 22:52

Yes I have and I’ve just reported it, sorry I thought you were the lady six months in,,

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 22:52

@Loveadvicepls

To be honest, I’m tempted not to bother going over for a long weekend. Maybe just tomorrow evening. I knew even before our conversation tonight that it wasn’t going to go well as we hadn’t talked about this stuff seriously before which was never a good sign. And he’s hardly going to jump up and suddenly be sure tomorrow is he? So what’s the point. Feeling glum. In the beginning he seemed so bloody promising.
I wouldn't bother with going for a long weekend. His initial answer to you tonight is his answer. This is the real him. Now he's backpedalling to keep you sweet. I'm older now but men like him with women in their mid 30s were a dime a dozen. They string the woman along with vagueness or even promises to get married/TTC 'in six months' 'in Autumn' 'next year' and then they change their minds. The women who allowed this (due to whatever reason, fallacy of sunken costs, etc) invariably ended up childfree not by choice or having fewer children than they wanted because they ran out of time.
Itlod1982 · 14/04/2021 22:53

FFS, You can't be 43, in a relationship and not know if you want kids 🙄

I disagree with some of the PPs who are saying to give him the ultimatum of having kids or walking away. I think this is a recipe for disaster in years to come.

If he's not 100% sure he wants kids with you and is enthusiastic and excited about it, walk away now! This is the easy bit...if he's not sure he's now how's he gonna cope in the future with a baby crying at 3am, less freedom,was money etc etc

It's harder than anyone expects so you need to be all in and you deserve to be experiencing it with someone who wants it as much as you do Thanks

Dervel · 14/04/2021 22:57

@Itlod1982 sound advice! 100% agree!

Mmn654123 · 14/04/2021 23:01

@Loveadvicepls

Yes I think I might when I tell him my friend is pregnant I can say ‘ do you see us having a baby soon?’ And see his response
Why not say ‘I’d like to have a baby soon’?
osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 23:01

I agree with ltlod as well. He's got away with 1.5 years of your life, he knew you wanted marriage and kids, coasted and stalled you with 'one day' then the one time you bring it up he spills the truth, then panics and comes back with twaddle about not wanting to argue and come spend even more time with me so I can sweet talk you with some future faking and sex. Nah. I got wise to these types when I was 30.

MoltenLasagne · 14/04/2021 23:02

Well that's that then isn't it? "I don't know" is just a coward's way of saying I do know, but I know you won't like it so I'm going to avoid the question in the hopes you'll drop the subject.

What an arse to have been stringing you along like this when you've been open about wanting kids. So sorry OP.

Mmn654123 · 14/04/2021 23:03

@Loveadvicepls

bakingdemon yes I said I’d need to be trying for a baby in a year and how my time is running out as I’d like two children I explained it’s now a reality and I’m at risk of not being able to have the family I want if I don’t start planning now He said he wasn’t sure if he wanted kids Altho when we were browsing cars last weekend he said the plus for getting an SUV is having kids one day... so confusing
Sorry I hadn’t read all your posts - he sounds like a ditherer!
Clymene · 14/04/2021 23:08

Yep I agree, walk away. You've been clear that's what you want and he's strung you along.

I think men who do this to women - let them fritter away their fertile years when they know they have no intention of doing the whole marriage/kids thing - are absolute scum.

@A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 -it's 18%

www.hfea.gov.uk/about-us/news-and-press-releases/2018-news-and-press-releases/press-release-age-is-the-key-factor-for-egg-freezing-success-says-new-hfea-report-as-overall-treatment-numbers-remain-low/

@Loveadvicepls - go and see your GP and get your fertility tested if you haven't already. That will give you a bit of a better idea of how long you have. I'm sure this isn't the romantic vision you had but you don't have the luxury of time. You need to know what you're dealing with to be able to make informed decisions.

You absolutely can have two children but you need to take control of your life. Stop being a passenger and drive.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 23:08

Altho when we were browsing cars last weekend he said the plus for getting an SUV is having kids one day... so confusing

It's not. It's called future faking. You throw a few crumbs at the person to keep them sweet so you can waste their time, knowingly because they know what you want.

But they can't waste your time if you don't let them.

Livelovebehappy · 14/04/2021 23:17

There’s the possibility that even if you give up having kids to b3 with him,that the relationship will fail anyway. Then you’re left with lost opportunities to have a child, and you don’t have him either. I often read on these threads about men being reluctant to commit, then they split up and have children with someone else.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/04/2021 23:18

@Loveadvicepls

bakingdemon yes I said I’d need to be trying for a baby in a year and how my time is running out as I’d like two children I explained it’s now a reality and I’m at risk of not being able to have the family I want if I don’t start planning now He said he wasn’t sure if he wanted kids Altho when we were browsing cars last weekend he said the plus for getting an SUV is having kids one day... so confusing
The browsing cars thing - he's a bit of a future faker. Just keeps that carrot dangling to keep you on board, but he's never going to follow through.Sorry. Sad

"To be honest, I’m tempted not to bother going over for a long weekend. Maybe just tomorrow evening."

That might be for the best. To be honest, after a year and a half together he should know what he wants. Saying he isn't sure is just more carrot-dangling, with added deniability.

Flittingaboutagain · 14/04/2021 23:23

I would go and have a face to face conversation, if only to assist you in emotionally coming to terms with the need to end the relationship because you are sadly not on the same page. It sounds like it'll be even harder for you to walk based on just this one talk.

I think he's saying he's happy with the status quo and likes the option of having kids and getting married. Unfortunately he needs to be with a 25 year old for this or someone who is at least ambivalent about this sort of future.

Palavah · 14/04/2021 23:23

Please book yourself a fertility MOT - get some facts. Information is power.

NoatheQueen · 14/04/2021 23:31

Of course men like this exist. But how will you know if you don't ask?
I stopped dating for a few years to get my shit together.
I met my husband at 35/ husband 43. Second date I said I wanted marriage and kids. He was on the same page. Perhaps not together but we wanted the same out of life.

We moved in quite soon. My husband has always been committed and devouted o making me happy. He has never back tracked or broken a commitment. You deserve this.
A few years later we're married and want a family together.

katy1213 · 14/04/2021 23:34

If he's 43 and hasn't mentioned having a family, I'd say that's because he doesn't want one.

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 14/04/2021 23:35

Ah I'm sorry that was his response. Still worth meeting face to face to discuss, but at least you can be prepared.

on the egg freezing front, not that this is the point of this thread, but here is more data on the success rates per age blog.scrcivf.com/egg-freezing-success-rates#:~:text=Women%2035%20to%2037%3A%20freezing%2020%20mature%20eggs,50%25%20chance%20of%20at%20least%20one%20live%20birth.

DyeHard · 14/04/2021 23:38

You could try asking him what if questions. Like how he would feel if you were already pregnant - happy, panicky, trapped. Or how he would feel if he knew he couldn't ever have children - relieved, disappointed.

BadLad · 14/04/2021 23:58

He almost certainly doesn't want one.

That stuff you said about not being able to face dating again. The same is probably true for him. So he won't go as far as to say explicitly that he doesn't want one in case you bugger off and he does have to date again or be single. Hence he's being vague, but the odds are he's made his mind up.

cheezy · 14/04/2021 23:59

I was in exactly your position OP, and know full well the agony of jumping ship and starting all over again. The uncertainty is dreadful. I've been lucky though, and you could be too. But it does require a big leap into the unknown.
(lucky in the sense that I've met someone vastly different to my ex who is keen and wants what I want)

Good luck

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