37 and want a husband/family

[Loveadvicepls]

A good friend of mine met a guy last year and is moving in with him already. Her ex was a total commitment phobeand dumped her as soon as she started to get serious about moving to be with him.

Another friend has just announced she's pregnant and I'm so happy for her. And another friend is getting married this summer.

Yet here I am, 1.5 years in, and the future is not spoken about with my boyfriend. The fact that we don't talk about it, makes me think there's no point in bringing it up- he alludes to one day, as in the future being able to afford an expensive home, and he's thinking of purchasing a big car for possible kids one day, but I suspect he's not a realist and a commitment phobe himself.

I'm scared of starting dating again, it just gets harder and harder, and I've been here so many times before.

But I should also draw inspiration from my friend who has found love, and when it works, it just works and can happen quickly.

Not sure what I want from this post.

Any advice?

Wrong thread

Just to add, leaving was SO hard, but one thing that propelled me onwards was the righteous anger at being strung along and fed breadcrumbs during my fertile years. So OP if you can tap into some anger it will help motivate you to leave this dead-end relationship behind.

He's 43. He knows if he wants children or not. He doesn't want to tell you the truth because he doesn't want you to leave.

Think about that. He's stringing you along knowing full well that your fertility is diminishing rapidly. So he's getting what he wants at the expense of you not getting what you desperately want.

That's not love.

I've said this before on mumsnet under a different name, but aged 30 I told my then boyfriend of 3 years he was to marry me and start trying for children or say that's not what he wanted and bugger off. He panicked and buggered off. I was sad for about a week at which point he turned up at mine with flowers and an engagement ring. I played a blinder though I say it myself! But the truth is I would have let him go. Even at 30 starting dating again is a big deal. Please you women of 30+ don't let these guys piss you about. If they don't know what they want after a couple of years, dump them and move on because it very soon will be too late. That's if you want children of course - if not do what you like!

I'll be honest I had a friend in your position - she stayed there for 3 years.. he buggered off..

She has never had kids and regrets it massively - If your OH does not step up - get out!

@LifeExperience

He's 43. He knows if he wants children or not. He doesn't want to tell you the truth because he doesn't want you to leave.

Think about that. He's stringing you along knowing full well that your fertility is diminishing rapidly. So he's getting what he wants at the expense of you not getting what you desperately want.

That's not love.

This.

I suspect he has done this to lots of women in the past. What’s his RS history? You are likely just another statistic. You sound v passive. Don’t fritter away your fertile years with this guy. He is getting everything he want out of it. Don’t let him take away your chance of motherhood. He knows what he’s doing. No man is worth not being a mother for.

At 38 without a willing partner, or a willingness to go it alone, your chances of having two children are slim. I know there’s plenty of women who have babies in their 40s but it is much harder, for many reasons.

I wouldn’t stay another day with this guy.

I had my daughter at 34 and now feel, at 38 myself, that I’m never going to have a second. It’s much more difficult the older you get. You must do something to change your situation as soon as you possibly can. Having children is really wonderful; don’t give up your chance for this waste of time.

Definitely get out now while you can. I made this mistake at 38. Met someone we fell in love, talked about kids and marriage. I figured by 40 we would be married with a kid on the way. But then a year and a half after we met he lost his job and moved cross country. So we had a LDR so that pushed the timeline out. I still thought he was on board then found out Jew was cheating. I was 40/41 and I knew that I would never have another chance. I’ve never found it easy to find anyone I click with so I knew it would be too late by the time I met someone else, if that ever happened.

So don’t waste your time. Either accept that you may not have a family with this man or leave now cause every day that passes you lose that day of finding someone that is meant for you to have a family with.

You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel without giving an ultimatum. Give him a bit of time after to soak it all in.
You may find that he wants the same as you but he’s questioning why you’ve never mentioned it.
Good luck, x.

@Rob1973

You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel without giving an ultimatum. Give him a bit of time after to soak it all in. You may find that he wants the same as you but he’s questioning why you’ve never mentioned it. Good luck, x.

Read the thread. Why the hell shouldn't she give him an ultimatum and hand over more time! She told him what she wants and needs, he said no go. She's moving on.

Most of my male friends are the same age as myself. Mid forties. Most have SUV’s, most now struggle to get into low slung sports cars or sports saloons. Mostly, the conversation is about topping up pensions or making shrewd investments because most want to retire early with some health.......

What most of them don’t want to do is take on massive financial debt or emotional baggage.

If I asked any of them, if they’d like to start a family in their forties, to a man,they would gag, and the resounding answer would be......

‘ No fucking way ‘

I have grown up children and grandchildren, I’m blessed, but if I started a new relationship and the lady said she wanted children, I wouldn’t let the door bang on my arse on my way out, I’d be far to
quick.

Many women keep that hunger and desire for children, well into middle age.....

I can assure you, In all but the odd circumstances, and there are of course, always exceptions, that to a single man in his mid forties, marriage and children are as welcome as a stake at vampires banquet......

Geddit

He’s gaslighting you.

@Fabiofatshaft1

He’s gaslighting you.

Yep!

@Loveadvicepls

To be honest, I’m tempted not to bother going over for a long weekend. Maybe just tomorrow evening. I knew even before our conversation tonight that it wasn’t going to go well as we hadn’t talked about this stuff seriously before which was never a good sign. And he’s hardly going to jump up and suddenly be sure tomorrow is he? So what’s the point. Feeling glum. In the beginning he seemed so bloody promising.

No, don't go to him.

You've told him what you want and frankly he is either aligned to your priorities or he's not.

There's no middle ground to discuss.

I've posted before about a friend who wasted her 30's on a man like this - who left her in her early 40's and married a woman 10 years younger and went on to get married and have multiple children with surprising speed for a person who'd claimed that wasn't the life he'd wanted.

It's done. He either doesn't want a family or he doesn't want one with you.

You might be afraid of dating but frankly I'd be more afraid of doing nothing and ending up utterly shafted like my friend (she's got a great relationship with nieces/nephews but it's not the same and she regrets not walking away).

Don't waste your life! Get shut. He's stringing you along. I know you say you don't want a child alone but can I ask why not? I know three women who have done it...similar ages to you. They were all single, all worried about meeting the right man and decided to take charge of their own destinies.

Why shouldn't you? Men can walk away from a family anyway...there's no guarantee that just because you start off with a Dad in the picture he's going to stick around is there?

No. And there are tonnes of lone women with children out there and they live perfectly lovely lives.

Don't saddle your offspring with a reluctant, resentful father/sperm donor. It's so unfair.

@FortunesFave

Don't waste your life! Get shut. He's stringing you along. I know you say you don't want a child alone but can I ask why not? I know three women who have done it...similar ages to you. They were all single, all worried about meeting the right man and decided to take charge of their own destinies.

Why shouldn't you? Men can walk away from a family anyway...there's no guarantee that just because you start off with a Dad in the picture he's going to stick around is there?

No. And there are tonnes of lone women with children out there and they live perfectly lovely lives.

Until there's an illness or accident and no one to take care of the kid.

He has told you multiple times that he is not going to reproduce.

You just aren’t paying close attention to his actions and slithering disingenuous words.

Perveen that can happen to kid with two parents on the scene though. As can multiple other problems....mental health issues, divorce, domestic abuse...all can scupper the 'perfect family'.

There's no such thing as the perfect family.Women who get married, have kids etc can still be left completely alone with children.

Helps if you have parents or siblings to support you though.

Don't go this weekend. He's told you who he is, so believe him.
I speak from experience. I gave my then boyfriend an ultimatum in very similar situation. He said he didn't want marriage or children, I knew I did, so I ended it and began to date other people.
He panicked, was suddenly so upset to lose me, and then proposed. But, deep down, I wonder whether it was ever what he really wanted. He is a reluctant spouse and father. I wish I hadn't forced his hand. And I wished I'd believed him when he said he didn't want all this.

Lay your cards on the table and tell him you are looking towards the next step and want to have children. Be very frank. State it's what you want and if he wants the same thing, great, but if not, to please let you know.

I know you are dreading the outcome but it'll be a whole lot harder if you continue to live in ambivalence. Maybe he doesn't know how important this is to you now if you haven't brought it up recently etc. Nonetheless best of luck.

At 43, he can have children for the next 20 or more years. You can't. You've got a very limited time frame if you want a family , and you've left it very late to realise that.

I can only suggest that you decide what you want - this guy with no commitment and no family....or a family on your own. Good luck.

OMG I can't believe what I am reading! A man has to be chomping at the bit at the thought of you being pregnant with his sperm for it ever to work!!

Babies are a huge strain on a relationship and if he is not an active helper in all that babies entail then it had disaster written all over it!

I cannot understand why you are trying to nag and force a man who clearly does not want to get you pregnant into this?

Men who say I don't know mean NO but believe it is being kinder not being honest.

I cannot understand why you are baulking at and dreading ending things with him when this is actually your get out jail card and passport to free you to find a lovely kind and new partner and husband to start a family with?!?!?

Of course you shouldn't waste any more time with this man!! Hurry up and end it and look forward to the rest of your life!!!

Oh and be sure that when the time eventually comes that he does want one, you can be sure it won't be you as that is when they usually leave having found a woman they find irrisistable to impregnate.

It happens all the time. Don't be that woman left childless and dumped.