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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

37 and want a husband/family

243 replies

Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 15:46

A good friend of mine met a guy last year and is moving in with him already. Her ex was a total commitment phobeand dumped her as soon as she started to get serious about moving to be with him.

Another friend has just announced she's pregnant and I'm so happy for her. And another friend is getting married this summer.

Yet here I am, 1.5 years in, and the future is not spoken about with my boyfriend. The fact that we don't talk about it, makes me think there's no point in bringing it up- he alludes to one day, as in the future being able to afford an expensive home, and he's thinking of purchasing a big car for possible kids one day, but I suspect he's not a realist and a commitment phobe himself.

I'm scared of starting dating again, it just gets harder and harder, and I've been here so many times before.

But I should also draw inspiration from my friend who has found love, and when it works, it just works and can happen quickly.

Not sure what I want from this post.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 19:07

That’s not a reason to continue in a dead end relationship i know
It’s more the dread of starting to meet men, going on awful dates etc
I’m not a bad catch but there’s a relentless stream of undesirable men which I feel like I can’t face again

OP posts:
category12 · 14/04/2021 19:09

Well, what's your alternative? Stick with this guy and throw away your chance of children?

Have the talk.

VanillaCokeZero · 14/04/2021 19:12

[quote Rozziie]@VanillaCokeZero we're in a pandemic!! What opportunities has she really had to date other people over the past year? Perhaps if covid hadn't happened she'd have dumped him 4-5 months in...much harder to do that if there's no social life, you'd be completely alone and dating is almost impossible. The pandemic has wasted a lot of women's precious time.[/quote]
All the more reason to hurry up and figure out whether this guy is going to be in OP’s future or not. It’s definitely been harder to date and I feel for people who have lost a year at an age where their fertility is starting to wane. People have continued to date during the pandemic though! It’s human nature, people will always find ways to get laid and procreate. I know within the guidance some people have gone on walking distanced dates or online dates, and then bubbled up as one another’s support bubble once it looked like things could turn serious. Just saying, a pandemic makes things harder but it can also give you an excuse to sit back and waste more time with the wrong person as it feels too hard to start again.

Having said all that from reading OP’s subsequent posts it seems she does realise the gravity of the situation.

Bellyundertit · 14/04/2021 19:12

Ypu started with talking about your friend. And that relationship making you optimistic about men,but your previous relationship making you cynical about men. Why did you pick him?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 19:13

@category12

Well, what's your alternative? Stick with this guy and throw away your chance of children?

Have the talk.

This. Do you have a pattern of hanging onto relationships because you hope he'll magically turn up with a ring and a Moses basket?

Deciding to stay with this man and say nothing or being passive about it means no marriage and kids.

Flittingaboutagain · 14/04/2021 19:16

Sorry OP. Men do exist who want to get on with committing and starting a family quickly.

As MN relationship boards show, people can change into shit partners after weeks, months or 10 or 20 years so sometimes it pays to push for what you want and when. I say this because he may come back with "yes I do in the future when we've been together longer".

Itlod1982 · 14/04/2021 19:22

@Loveadvicepls I really feel for you reading your post but I can't help but think you don't sound particularly in love with your OP?

Do you just want house/marriage/kids or do you actually want all of this with HIM?

The thought of dating again is definitely daunting (I personally hate it!!) but if this is your biggest concern about the relationship potentially ending then I think that says it all!!

I completely understand the longing you feel to settle down and have children etc but if you "settle" with him to achieve these goals, it's not great longer term. You could end up back dating in your 40s as a single mum....

Not meaning it to sound negative but it was just my thought from reading your post

GlitterBiscuits · 14/04/2021 19:27

Why can't you have a baby on your own?

Allwokedup · 14/04/2021 19:48

If you can’t have an honest conversation about your wants and needs (getting married, kids) then how could you ever get serious with him? I am astounded when people can’t speak to their partner about the future- how can they have one if you can’t even talk about it with them?

Rozziie · 14/04/2021 19:56

@VanillaCokeZero true for some maybe, but I have an underlying condition so definitely wouldn't have been dating and meeting strangers over the last year...I've barely left the house! Just saying for a lot of people there's been a very good reason why they haven't dated...it's not like a normal year where you could be out and about if you wanted. It's also been a write off for anyone like me who hates online dating and prefers to meet people 'normally'....there genuinely just hasn't been the chance. The timing really has been truly cruel for people in OP's position...knowing their relationship is going nowhere, but not having the ability to move on and meet someone else.

Clymene · 14/04/2021 19:56

Freezing eggs has a terrible success rate, even for young women.

If you want children OP, you need to actively make them happen. Sitting around hoping when time is not on your side is not going to get them.

blowinahoolie · 14/04/2021 20:02

Is this some kind of parallel universe 🤔 talking marriage and children is something I brought up fairly soon as I needed to know matter-of-fact if it's what he wanted so we could move on etc. Just be direct about it OP. This is one of these occasions when you don't beat around the bush! If he's interested, great. If not, part ways.

Ginger1982 · 14/04/2021 20:10

Do you live together?

blowinahoolie · 14/04/2021 20:28

@Allwokedup

If you can’t have an honest conversation about your wants and needs (getting married, kids) then how could you ever get serious with him? I am astounded when people can’t speak to their partner about the future- how can they have one if you can’t even talk about it with them?
I can't understand it either 🤷 I told DH what I wanted, how much it meant to me early on in the relationship. If you cannot broach serious topics after 18 months, that's not looking good. 18 months after I met DH I had given birth to my first child! I don't like to hang around 😂
LivBa · 14/04/2021 20:30

Why are you so passive about your own life OP Confused
If your boyfriend isn't talking about the future in real terms after 1.5 years and the life stage you're both at, get rid. At 37 you have no time to waste whatsoever.
This same boyfriend will continue to string you along while it's convenient then go off to marry and have children with a younger woman in his own time. Dont be foolish- it's your own future you're wasting. Find someone who wants the same things on your same timeliness (and don't move in with them until married).

AgentJohnson · 14/04/2021 20:47

I’m not passive and certainly awake VanillaCokeZero it’s why I’ve posted on here I didn’t let things drift. But then you write this... Things were great for 8 months then we both had doubts but now things are better It’s just we are not talking..

You should be talking to him but you’re not because you’re paralysed with the fear that you’re no longer on the same page. Marriage and kids are great and all but if you can’t communicate with the person you want to do those things with, then the chances of success at those things are greatly reduced.

A1b2c3d4e5f6g7 · 14/04/2021 20:54

@clymene I thought freezing eggs had a success rate (live birth out of the eggs frozen) per procedure of between 25% to 50% depending on the clinic, freezing process, and their mix of patients? I've friends looking at it now. its better to freeze them as close to 35 and under as possible for better success rates.

Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 21:25

He’s not sure he wants children
He doesn’t think the world is a great place and he hasn’t enjoyed life that much
Wonders what the point of bringing children into this world
This is all news to me

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 21:28

He then shut down and didn’t want to talk about it tonight
I explained calmly and sensitively how I want children and soon - in the next year
He said he didn’t know if that’s what he wanted too
Not sure what to do now - give him more time or split up and tell him he can let me know if he decides he wants kids but I won’t hang around

OP posts:
blowinahoolie · 14/04/2021 21:29

@Loveadvicepls

He’s not sure he wants children He doesn’t think the world is a great place and he hasn’t enjoyed life that much Wonders what the point of bringing children into this world This is all news to me
Time to part ways 👀
NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 14/04/2021 21:32

Is he worth sacrificing kids for? Would you resent him if he kept you hanging till it was too late? Can you imagine your life without him? Can you imagine your life without kids? Which outcome is better?

I’d definitely ditch him...in fact I did ditch my time waster even though I was deeply in love with him and couldn’t see my life without him. I’m still childless (as is he) and even so I have NO regrets about dumping him. Only regret not doing it earlier and not saying yes to the man who was desperate for kids and asked me out whilst I was in a relationship with the time waster.

Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 21:33

NameChangedForThisFeb21

Is he worth sacrificing kids for?

No, I don’t think so...I want a family.

OP posts:
Woodlandbelle · 14/04/2021 21:33

Is this after talking to him this evening. Honestly just leave him. 38 you still have time. If you dawdle on for another year or two then where will you be them. 40 will he harder Flowers Been there bought the t shirt but after an 8 year relationship

Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 21:35

Woodlandbelle

Is this after talking to him this evening.

Yes he’s not sure and didn’t want to discuss it further
I have mentioned to him throughout our relationship that I wanted a husband and babies

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 14/04/2021 21:36

give him more time

He doesn’t need time. He’s 42. He’s made his decision... now it’s up to you to make yours.

You can stay with him, but there are not children in your future with this man. Did you discuss marriage? Is what he’s offering you acceptable to you?

If not, your options are to go out and date - don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t be relishing that either, but you’d need to do it and be efficient at finding good people, and being headstrong about what you want, because you don’t really have time for the romantic ideals of a surprise proposal etc.... or doing it alone, if children are pivotal.

Neither of those are easy decisions. One is definitely not. But at least tonight you know where you stand Flowers

Have you got someone you could chat to about this?