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Original poster

37 and want a husband/family

243 replies

Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 15:46

A good friend of mine met a guy last year and is moving in with him already. Her ex was a total commitment phobeand dumped her as soon as she started to get serious about moving to be with him.

Another friend has just announced she's pregnant and I'm so happy for her. And another friend is getting married this summer.

Yet here I am, 1.5 years in, and the future is not spoken about with my boyfriend. The fact that we don't talk about it, makes me think there's no point in bringing it up- he alludes to one day, as in the future being able to afford an expensive home, and he's thinking of purchasing a big car for possible kids one day, but I suspect he's not a realist and a commitment phobe himself.

I'm scared of starting dating again, it just gets harder and harder, and I've been here so many times before.

But I should also draw inspiration from my friend who has found love, and when it works, it just works and can happen quickly.

Not sure what I want from this post.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Restlessinthenorth · 14/04/2021 21:37

This is an awful situation. But you've asked and he's told you. And be VERY clear about what lies beneath his words; there really is no suggestion he is even contemplating a family or is even ambivalent about it. Just move on. He's not doing anything wrong by not wanting a family, but please don't prioritise his needs over your own. He will do that for himself! You honestly never know what is round the corner. I wish you lots of happiness

MMMarmite · 14/04/2021 21:40

@Loveadvicepls

Woodlandbelle

Is this after talking to him this evening.

Yes he’s not sure and didn’t want to discuss it further
I have mentioned to him throughout our relationship that I wanted a husband and babies

In that case he is a dick. It's completely immoral to stay in a relationship with someone who's been clear that theywant kids, whose time is running low, and then refuse to make a decision on what you want and refuse to discuss it.
category12 · 14/04/2021 21:41

He said he didn’t know if that’s what he wanted too
Not sure what to do now - give him more time or split up and tell him he can let me know if he decides he wants kids but I won’t hang around

Why does he get to shut down and not talk about it?
I wouldn't hang around and "give him more time" - he's 40-odd, isn't he? He should know what he wants -if he's "not sure" it's probably that he's not sure he wants it with you, sorry.

I think you need to end things. There's no point dragging it out.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 21:46

@Loveadvicepls

He’s not sure he wants children He doesn’t think the world is a great place and he hasn’t enjoyed life that much Wonders what the point of bringing children into this world This is all news to me
Time to move on. Why waste anymore of your time? It's unsurprising, he's in his mid-40s, you're 1.5 years into the relationship and he's coasting along, throwing you a few 'one day' crumbs to keep you sweet. Now you have the measure of him, why give him anymore of your power?
GurlwiththeCurl · 14/04/2021 21:57

Please don’t waste your fertile years, OP. On our first date (me 30, him 35), DH asked me if I wanted children. I must admit I was stunned at the time, but loved his direct approach and honesty.

So, we did get married and had two DC, in my mid-30s.

You only get what you want if you ask! Good luck, OP.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/04/2021 22:00

I think if he was saying he wasnt sure what he wanted, or he didn't want the same things as you, would be kind of ok as you could either compromise or leave.

But someone not even willing to have the conversation to tell you how they feel...isnt really a relationship. I understand it's hard starting again but do you really want a lifetime with someone who wont even talk to you?

Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 22:07

So he called to say he doesn’t like to argue
Has invited me to stay at his from tomorrow through the weekend
And said we can chat more in person

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 22:08

@Loveadvicepls

So he called to say he doesn’t like to argue Has invited me to stay at his from tomorrow through the weekend And said we can chat more in person
I would consider this make or break and not fall for any string along bullshit on his part. Have you allowed men to string you along in the past? It's quite common. You really need to get in the driving seat.
NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 14/04/2021 22:12

So if you do go and stay, you do NOT let him avoid the subject and you make it absolutely clear to him that you are not prepared to give up the prospect of children for him, that you are NOT sitting on the fence about it and that if is IS sitting on the fence and can’t make up his mind, the decent thing for him to do is to accept he can’t offer you the future that you want or deserve. It’s fine that he doesn’t want kids or doesn’t know. It’s not fine that he’s wasting your time.

Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 22:28

He said he can’t give me what I want right now
I explained I’m not asking anything from him right now, I just want to know if we are on the same page for the not so distant future
He says he just doesn’t know
This is so infuriating
He’s not suddenly going to magically decide overnight is he? Sad
Now the thought of losing him is awful as it’s a real possibility
But at the same time he can’t love me properly if he’s so unsure

OP posts:
category12 · 14/04/2021 22:28

And how is stating your needs and life goals "arguing"?

If they don't match up, you need to know and it's not an argument or you being awkward. It's just facts.

I find it really irritating he's said he "doesn't want to argue". What bollocks.

Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 22:31

category12 it’s because he kept saying he didn’t want to talk about it, and I pushed it a little to say we have to talk about it at some point
He wanted to get off the phone and relax after a long day at work and said he’d prefer to talk in person
He said he was dreading it cos he feels like
I was nagging him and how unhappy I am with him ???

OP posts:
bakingdemon · 14/04/2021 22:33

OP, did you lay out for him bluntly that you if you want to be a mum you need to do it soon? What did he say?

It makes me so cross that so many men don't get this, or ignore it.

pollylocketpickedapocket · 14/04/2021 22:34

Why won’t you have a baby alone? What’s so terrible about that?

Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 22:36

bakingdemon yes I said I’d need to be trying for a baby in a year and how my time is running out as I’d like two children
I explained it’s now a reality and I’m at risk of not being able to have the family I want if I don’t start planning now
He said he wasn’t sure if he wanted kids
Altho when we were browsing cars last weekend he said the plus for getting an SUV is having kids one day... so confusing

OP posts:
pollylocketpickedapocket · 14/04/2021 22:36

@bakingdemon

OP, did you lay out for him bluntly that you if you want to be a mum you need to do it soon? What did he say?

It makes me so cross that so many men don't get this, or ignore it.

They do get it and ignore it!! Women are often better going it alone, have you seen the quality of men theses days? You are often better off a single mum
Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 22:36

pollylocketpickedapocket it’s not my personal choice

OP posts:
Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 22:37

have you seen the quality of men theses days? yes hence my reluctance to start dating again Sad

OP posts:
Rozziie · 14/04/2021 22:39

He sounds like a right selfish idiot. It really irks me that men in their early forties carry on like this...talk about Peter Pan syndrome! From what he's said it sounds like he doesn't want kids and is stringing you along. I would probably just leave it at this point. What do you have to lose? Tell him you want a family and you have no more time to waste with him. If he wants you and that, he'll make it happen. If he lets you go, well, he was never that into it, was he?

DeeCeeCherry · 14/04/2021 22:41

Why are all your eggs in one basket, drifting along with a drifter? You won't meet anyone via wasting time with him. At this stage in life, 1 year is more than enough to know someone's mind and there's little point staying beyond that if they clearly don't want what you want.

If you're specific about dating and don't bet on potential (actions speak louder than words) then you could meet someone, why wouldn't you?

Cockenspiel · 14/04/2021 22:43

It sounds like he is either stringing you along (he doesn’t want kids) and you will waste your child-beating years on him waiting to decide.

Or he will agree, but then spend years resenting being a parent and making everyone’s life a misery.

Either way, I’d be fucking him off quite soon.

Go for the weekend, be 100% clear what you want and when and if he can’t positively agree he wants the same, then you really should walk away. The heartache now will be a much lesser evil that in 2-3 years time.

sageflower · 14/04/2021 22:43

Just tell him try for kids now or lose you and be prepared to walk away.

Original poster
Loveadvicepls · 14/04/2021 22:45

To be honest, I’m tempted not to bother going over for a long weekend. Maybe just tomorrow evening. I knew even before our conversation tonight that it wasn’t going to go well as we hadn’t talked about this stuff seriously before which was never a good sign. And he’s hardly going to jump up and suddenly be sure tomorrow is he? So what’s the point. Feeling glum. In the beginning he seemed so bloody promising.

OP posts:
NoatheQueen · 14/04/2021 22:45

He said he can’t give me what I want right now aka he doesn't want a family or future with you
I explained I’m not asking anything from him right now well that's a lie because you are! Stop being so passive, own what you want and yeah you are asking him for something there is no shame in that.

I just want to know if we are on the same page by asking and wondering if means you're not.

He says he just doesn’t know he's a grown arse man in his 4ps he knows what he wants but he has it sweet with you.

He’s not suddenly going to magically decide overnight is he? Nope, he will never change his mind. Find someone who is excited by having a life and family with you

Now the thought of losing him is awful but it's not, he's wasting your time, he's not making you feel great about yourself or giving you security. He's not a loving person you should be with he's a dick. He doesn't love you, you are convenient for him and that's not good enough. You deserve a man who adores you, is straightforward and it straight up committed to you and loves you.

NoatheQueen · 14/04/2021 22:47

PS a man who makes you question the situation, who makes you scared of asking outright questions about your future is never ever worth it