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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you help me work out what just happened

88 replies

blondieblonde · 13/04/2021 23:43

I have been at an (online) event all evening since my husband came back from work and I emerged from it at about 9 hungry to find he had made himself dinner. I said calmly that in the circumstances he could have cooked and he started the most frightening behaviour. Everything I said to him he said back to me in a mimicking voice in a threatening way

'I've been at an important thing today'
'I've been at an important thing today'
'I am just asking you to cook in these circumstances'
'I am just asking you to cook in these circumstances'
all the way until I was crying and saying
'You can't talk to me like this'
'You can't talk to me like this'

I was shaking with fear and it reminded me of the worst bullying at school. Does anyone have any insight into what was going on? He has acted like this before, but not for a long time. I know it was unreasonable, but I just can't understand what happened. It woke up my daughter and made me shake with fear that anyone would act like that. I'm not bothered about the dinner thing, it could have been any issue.
Thanks

OP posts:

MadMadMadamMim · 13/04/2021 23:45

He's abusive and unpleasant.

I'd be planning on divorce after that. Who the fuck does he think he is?

HollowTalk · 13/04/2021 23:46

You know you don't have to put up with that shit. He sounds horrible. Are you in a position to be apart from him?

RachelRavenRoth · 13/04/2021 23:46

Agreed. Who the actual fuck does he think he is?

What do you want to do now?

Newworld2021 · 13/04/2021 23:48

Shaking and crying because he repeated you?

Sounds like hes losing it and maybe there is a much greater back story to this. I wouldnt be happy but wouldnt be shaking and crying. I’d be standing up and kicking him out.

Original poster

blondieblonde · 13/04/2021 23:49

If it was just me obviously I would go, but we have two kids. I'm just trying to work out what it is. Have you ever seen anyone acting like this? Is it bullying in the face of feeling criticised? It's so bizarre to happily make someone feel so dreadful and be so frightening - I am sure I have written it off before and brushed it under the mat but I am older now and want to understand what's just happened to me.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2021 23:49

He's a horrible, nasty prick, that's why it happened.

Original poster

blondieblonde · 13/04/2021 23:50

@Newworld2021 I feel frightened - I do. It felt like he had no self awareness.

OP posts:

Original poster

blondieblonde · 13/04/2021 23:51

I posted because I need a bit of help with understanding it

OP posts:

OppsUpsSide · 13/04/2021 23:51

Yup, he’s a tit.

Is there more a back story as to why it made
You shake with fear.

Original poster

blondieblonde · 13/04/2021 23:52

It's the look in his face that makes me frightened. He is pleased to be doing it - not angry - but almost smiling.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2021 23:53

He was being sadistic, that's why it has scared you so much.

Newworld2021 · 13/04/2021 23:54

Sounds like he got a kick out of tormenting you.

OppsUpsSide · 13/04/2021 23:54

If your partner scares you, and enjoys it to boot, there really is only one answer OP, you need to prepare to end the relationship.

MadMadMadamMim · 13/04/2021 23:56

Oh he's perfectly aware he upset and terrified you.

He enjoyed that feeling of power. It's likely he'll repeat it if he gets away with it. He's nasty, inadequate - and you can be perfectly certain he wouldn't have done that to his boss - or a bloke in the pub who might have knocked his teeth down his throat!

Get rid of him. He's not a decent, loving partner. He's a pathetic bully.

GroggyLegs · 13/04/2021 23:57

I would shake too OP - my adrenaline spikes whenever something confrontational happens.

Fuck knows why he's behaved like that - if he was emphasizing the words you've highlighted, it seems to me he's taken issue with your online event taking attention away from him or resentful of it?

Is he supportive of whatever you were doing? Not that it matters, his behaviour was vile & he's a prick.

Original poster

blondieblonde · 13/04/2021 23:59

GroggyLegs he is when it suits him/his self-image, but often sabotages my things when he feels otherwise. Many a time I have gone to an important meeting/interview crying

OP posts:

Original poster

blondieblonde · 14/04/2021 00:00

As I said I'm looking to try and understand what's going on - suggestion of sadism and enjoying it from a pp is useful. I know only if I can understand what's happened will I think about it properly

OP posts:

OppsUpsSide · 14/04/2021 00:01

Has there been previous incidents OP?

Original poster

blondieblonde · 14/04/2021 00:03

Yes a few of similar feelings/outbursts over the (many) years, but I am older and wiser now and won't take it. I'm trying to understand what it is & how unreasonable or unusual it is

OP posts:

Doona · 14/04/2021 00:03

To me this is very normal grouchy behaviour (for a child to another) . I would guess he was mad about being ignored when he got home, his fee fees were hurt. Then you tried doing the wrong script - Where's my dinner - instead of baby darling I'm so sorry I neglected you!! And so he acted out like an 8 year old. This behaviour would not scare me, but boy it would annoy the * out of me especially after having to deal with actual children all day.

OppsUpsSide · 14/04/2021 00:06

I don’t know how unusual it is in relationships as a whole, but nigh on non existent in healthy, happy relationships.

Mygardenisnotperfect · 14/04/2021 00:10

Agree sounds like my abusive ex who did this to me once or twice among many other tactics. I understand both why others are saying it’s annoying prick like behaviour and possibly abusive, but slightly confused as to why you were shaking with fear over it, and why you’re saying you were shaking with fear.

Sounds like it was the look in his eye, tone of voice, body language which may have been both intimidating and letting you know he sees you are frightened and is enjoying it and getting a kick out of it. It can be quite frightening to see the mask drop suddenly and realise there is someone here who means you harm and actively enjoys harming you. Plus if there is previous worse abuse it’s a reminder that he’s in charge and letting you know it basically. Your instincts are telling you that being with him is unsafe. You have a child as well and I would really urge you to contact domestic abuse services for advice and support.

CJsGoldfish · 14/04/2021 00:11

If it was just me obviously I would go, but we have two kids

And just what are you teaching them OP? You are modelling your relationship as their 'normal'

If you recognise that you would 'obviously' leave if you didn't have kids but happy to expose them to it, I despair.

GroggyLegs · 14/04/2021 00:14

So you're not allowed to be successful in your career, or to gain your full earning potential unless he approves?
Does he pull the same shit if you plan a night out or weekend away with friends?

Original poster

blondieblonde · 14/04/2021 00:15

Mygarden I think because of how he was enjoying the fact I was hungry and tired, because of the threat in his voice, and because I know he would rather double down than apologise, i.e. he has gone away to sleep on the condition I 'do not come upstairs' which means to sleep on the sofa presumably or he'll keep on with it.

OP posts:

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