Can you help me work out what just happened

[blondieblonde]

I have been at an (online) event all evening since my husband came back from work and I emerged from it at about 9 hungry to find he had made himself dinner. I said calmly that in the circumstances he could have cooked and he started the most frightening behaviour. Everything I said to him he said back to me in a mimicking voice in a threatening way

'I've been at an important thing today'
'I've been at an important thing today'
'I am just asking you to cook in these circumstances'
'I am just asking you to cook in these circumstances'
all the way until I was crying and saying
'You can't talk to me like this'
'You can't talk to me like this'

I was shaking with fear and it reminded me of the worst bullying at school. Does anyone have any insight into what was going on? He has acted like this before, but not for a long time. I know it was unreasonable, but I just can't understand what happened. It woke up my daughter and made me shake with fear that anyone would act like that. I'm not bothered about the dinner thing, it could have been any issue.
Thanks

[SpeedRunParent]

@StormcloakNord

A few thoughts -

1. Shaking and crying with fear is a massive overreaction.

1. He's a huge twat.

1. By staying with him "for the kids" you're teaching your children it's okay to treat other people like this. You're also decimating their standards for a healthy relationship.

I think telling oP she is over reacting is to have missed the subtext entirely. This misinterpretation has been covered above. The reaction will have had an autonomic basis, this man sounds dangerous.

[SpeedRunParent]

@Luddite26

^ i drinkchocolate milk this is a reply to your post.

Hear hear!

[SpeedRunParent]

@Botanica

My otherwise normal husband has done this a couple of times. It's awful, and I still don't understand either.

It's like he's been possessed. He got right up in my face, repeated me in a strange voice and looked at me with a face I didn't recognise. For those minutes I felt as though I didn't know him and certainly couldn't love him.


I don't know OP what's going on, but you're not alone.

I think you'll find that a slip of the mask, I'm afraid. Sorry but that should not be ignored.

[SpeedRunParent]

Haven't RTFT I'm afraid but I had a boyfriend that did this to me. He followed me around the flat during an argument one day, like a foot behind me, and mimicked everything I said. I'm no shrinking Violet but the lunacy of it shook me. I'm afraid I pushed him down the stairs. Once I'd made sure he was okay I shoved him through the (opened) front door too and chucked his things out of the window. (Obviously this incident was the straw that broke ...)
Mentally stable adults don't do things like that. Your DH could be dangerous. Think carefully about 'staying with him for the children', you could be putting them in danger.
Btw, I did subsequently pay my (by that time) ex-BF's train fare to Scotland so he could do a training course up there. I'm not totally heartless.

[DrSbaitso]

What would happen if you ignored him and went to bed anyway?

And yes, clearly he is an arsehole with huge psychological control over you and you need to get out. If you wouldn't subject yourself to it alone, why subject yourself and two children to it?

[MarshmallowAra]

Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that, inside the mind of angry men etc" is v good .. it's primarily about physical abusers but applies to all types.

[Franklyfrost]

OP, you don’t need to understand his behaviour. You understand enough to know it’s wrong and really that’s all you need to know.

Don’t stall with ‘Once I’ve really understood everything that motivates this man then I’ll think about the well-being of myself and my children’.

[MarshmallowAra]

Either way, men like that generally do not change. They're wired that way.

[MarshmallowAra]

It seems like he has to feel you are his inferior, and anything that challenges that and makes him feel.like you are his equal (or even superior) causes him anger & resentment.

It could be due to narcissism, as a poster above suggested, or it could be due to his mentality & core values around relationships/women .. or both.

[MarshmallowAra]

*mocking, not kicking!

[MarshmallowAra]

People have said it's weird that you were shaking from him kicking you repeatedly, but they're not getting that you instinctively knew there was a heap of rage and desire to assert dominance behind the behaviour .. regardless if he kept it cold and wasn't physical.

[Bythemillpond]

I know only if I can understand what's happened will I think about it properly

It is because he is an abusive self centred prick
You will never know why he really does these things. My friend spent 20 years married to someone like this. Trying to work out what was going on making excuses to remain with this person I think because she was scared of going it alone with children.
She finally kicked him out when her youngest went off to university.
By which time she was completely broken.

Don’t wait for years of having him chipping away at your self confidence and spending your time thinking about him and his words and actions and wondering when he is going to repeat it again.

Get rid now otherwise he will start in your children.

[MarshmallowAra]

In this incident, his mentality shines through very strongly.

He was very very angry that he, as a man and the male parent in your household was expected to cook for himself (and kids?) and most of all you, while you were on an extended work call/conference.

He was so angry that he felt compelled to punish you not only by providing no food (while he was majing it anyway) but by escalating your frustration at that when you when you came off the call into a mocking bullying repetitive attack - to make you extremely uncomfortable, and to make himself feel superior. He wanted to make you feel his anger, feel consequences for your (in his eyes) wrong behaviour (how dare you think he'll do housework or cooking at all but esp for you while you're working) . Then he compounded the attack by flouncing to bed and making it clear he was excluding you from your own bed and you should sleep elsewhere.

It's like a chimp nature documentary showing dominance & bullying played out in 2021. The only reason he didn't beat on you is that that's currently out of his "acceptable behaviour" list (but might not always be).

The fact he's tried to sabotage job interviews/your career previously confirms all this.

[Aprilshowersandhail]

If this was your adult dd's life would you tell her to stay if they had dc? Or would you help her find ways to away from him.

Your dc need protecting from him.
It is your responsibility to do that.

[MarshmallowAra]

Wow he's a nasty, childish bully.

And he appears to resent you having any success or what might be perceived as importance in life - hence sabotaging your job interviews in the past. It seems like if you pursue a career and do stuff related to it (esp if it "inconveniences" him in that it makes you unavailable to do domestic stuff for a spell) he gets v v angry and tires to punish you. One can only imagine at the mentality/values a man who acts like they holds ... Presumably not one where women are equal.

Does he often go off to bed and tell you/imply that you're not allowed to sleep in your own bed because youve had an "argument" (thus wasn't an argument incidentally, it was a bullying attack on you because he was angry you didn't cook, and worse still had the effrontery (!) to expect him to make you sine food along with the family's) and essentially tell you to sleep on the sofa or elsewhere. .. like a dog or a couch surfer.

That smacks again of seeing you/women as inferior and wanting to assert dominance. Presumably it gives him satisfaction and he thinks it's "correct" that he bans you from the bedroom and from sleeping in your own bed and he sleeps there comfortably, while you try to make do with the sofa. Presumably you often have work the next day and or all the work that comes with a household.

This isn't a man to have a good, healthy, fair relationship. He's twisted.

He has values re women and relationships that are incompatible with a good relationship.

[Bananalanacake]

You say you've gone to many interviews crying. Think about why, he doesn't want you to be successful. What a nasty shit.

[dieblauenStrumpfhosen]

After being with my ex for a while, who would behave like this, all it took was a huff or a look or one comment and my heart rate would increase massively. I would see it on my Fitbit suddenly jump to 100+ bpm.

I would also spend my whole day asking him if he was alright, sometimes every few minutes, to make sure he wasn't angry with me.

So posters saying this is an overreaction are imagining themselves with this as a one off. When you have seen how a tiny non-issue can escalate into having abuse screamed in your face, you do feel very scared and anxious when there's a confrontation.

[StormcloakNord]

A few thoughts -

1. Shaking and crying with fear is a massive overreaction.

1. He's a huge twat.

1. By staying with him "for the kids" you're teaching your children it's okay to treat other people like this. You're also decimating their standards for a healthy relationship.

[Bluntness100]

Ok, it’s not remotely normal to be shaking in fear and crying when someone mimics you. Generally you tell them to fuck off or walk away, or get mad. So something else is behind your reaction.

I’m also concerned about being allowed to go to bed. Where did you sleep?

[Outbutnotoutout]

Please make plans to divorce this abuser

Keep your head down, get ducks in a row and report to police any abusive behaviour.

Then present him with the divorce papers

[Insomnia5]

So what are you going to do about this op, to show him you’re not putting up with it any longer. Were you ‘allowed’ to go to bed last night?

[JessieOh]

Your shaking with fear response was your body telling you what your brain can't compute just yet.

It was telling you that you are not safe. That his actions were wrong.

I remember the first time I posted on here for advice about my relationship and my responses resolutely denying abuse, because I just couldn't see it, or didn't want to accept it. I've seen the same thing in other posters many times since. It's a hard message to take from strangers behind a screen especially as it involves changing your life and giving up on your current visions of your future life.

However, sadly these posters are right and his abuse will continue and likely escalate. I suggest you access the freedom programme online to learn the many different ways that abuse can occur and especially the cycle of abuse. Start to educate yourself and quietly make plans for your escape.

Once you can recognise the abuse, the posters on MN will be amazing at supporting you through the process.
Wish you all the best for your future.

[Theimpossiblegirl]

This sounds awful. Of course you're not overreacting. It sounds like there's a lot more going on too, but he's worn you down with confusion and self doubt. This is not normal or ok. You and your children deserve better. Posting here is your first step to getting out.

[BigButtons]

You are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out do it for your dc. They are already affected. The longer you stay the greater their trauma will become and it will affect them for the rest of their lives. Limit the damage being done to them.

[Daleksatemyshed]

You sound puzzled Op, what you need to feel is angry, how dare he treat you like this! He doesn't care you're upset and he's done this before to punish you. A man who has such a nasty attitute to his wife isn't a good DH or father, would you be happy for him to treat your daughter like this?
Time for a long clear look at this marriage and see what you'll have to put up with if you stay