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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you help me work out what just happened

88 replies

blondieblonde · 13/04/2021 23:43

I have been at an (online) event all evening since my husband came back from work and I emerged from it at about 9 hungry to find he had made himself dinner. I said calmly that in the circumstances he could have cooked and he started the most frightening behaviour. Everything I said to him he said back to me in a mimicking voice in a threatening way

'I've been at an important thing today'
'I've been at an important thing today'
'I am just asking you to cook in these circumstances'
'I am just asking you to cook in these circumstances'
all the way until I was crying and saying
'You can't talk to me like this'
'You can't talk to me like this'

I was shaking with fear and it reminded me of the worst bullying at school. Does anyone have any insight into what was going on? He has acted like this before, but not for a long time. I know it was unreasonable, but I just can't understand what happened. It woke up my daughter and made me shake with fear that anyone would act like that. I'm not bothered about the dinner thing, it could have been any issue.
Thanks

OP posts:

MarshmallowAra · 14/04/2021 11:26

In this incident, his mentality shines through very strongly.

He was very very angry that he, as a man and the male parent in your household was expected to cook for himself (and kids?) and most of all you, while you were on an extended work call/conference.

He was so angry that he felt compelled to punish you not only by providing no food (while he was majing it anyway) but by escalating your frustration at that when you when you came off the call into a mocking bullying repetitive attack - to make you extremely uncomfortable, and to make himself feel superior. He wanted to make you feel his anger, feel consequences for your (in his eyes) wrong behaviour (how dare you think he'll do housework or cooking at all but esp for you while you're working) . Then he compounded the attack by flouncing to bed and making it clear he was excluding you from your own bed and you should sleep elsewhere.

It's like a chimp nature documentary showing dominance & bullying played out in 2021. The only reason he didn't beat on you is that that's currently out of his "acceptable behaviour" list (but might not always be).

The fact he's tried to sabotage job interviews/your career previously confirms all this.

Bythemillpond · 14/04/2021 11:28

I know only if I can understand what's happened will I think about it properly

It is because he is an abusive self centred prick
You will never know why he really does these things. My friend spent 20 years married to someone like this. Trying to work out what was going on making excuses to remain with this person I think because she was scared of going it alone with children.
She finally kicked him out when her youngest went off to university.
By which time she was completely broken.

Don’t wait for years of having him chipping away at your self confidence and spending your time thinking about him and his words and actions and wondering when he is going to repeat it again.

Get rid now otherwise he will start in your children.

MarshmallowAra · 14/04/2021 11:29

People have said it's weird that you were shaking from him kicking you repeatedly, but they're not getting that you instinctively knew there was a heap of rage and desire to assert dominance behind the behaviour .. regardless if he kept it cold and wasn't physical.

MarshmallowAra · 14/04/2021 11:31

*mocking, not kicking!

MarshmallowAra · 14/04/2021 11:33

It seems like he has to feel you are his inferior, and anything that challenges that and makes him feel.like you are his equal (or even superior) causes him anger & resentment.

It could be due to narcissism, as a poster above suggested, or it could be due to his mentality & core values around relationships/women .. or both.

MarshmallowAra · 14/04/2021 11:38

Either way, men like that generally do not change. They're wired that way.

Franklyfrost · 14/04/2021 11:49

OP, you don’t need to understand his behaviour. You understand enough to know it’s wrong and really that’s all you need to know.

Don’t stall with ‘Once I’ve really understood everything that motivates this man then I’ll think about the well-being of myself and my children’.

MarshmallowAra · 14/04/2021 12:31

Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that, inside the mind of angry men etc" is v good .. it's primarily about physical abusers but applies to all types.

DrSbaitso · 14/04/2021 13:16

What would happen if you ignored him and went to bed anyway?

And yes, clearly he is an arsehole with huge psychological control over you and you need to get out. If you wouldn't subject yourself to it alone, why subject yourself and two children to it?

SpeedRunParent · 14/04/2021 14:59

Haven't RTFT I'm afraid but I had a boyfriend that did this to me. He followed me around the flat during an argument one day, like a foot behind me, and mimicked everything I said. I'm no shrinking Violet but the lunacy of it shook me. I'm afraid I pushed him down the stairs. Once I'd made sure he was okay I shoved him through the (opened) front door too and chucked his things out of the window. (Obviously this incident was the straw that broke ...)
Mentally stable adults don't do things like that. Your DH could be dangerous. Think carefully about 'staying with him for the children', you could be putting them in danger.
Btw, I did subsequently pay my (by that time) ex-BF's train fare to Scotland so he could do a training course up there. I'm not totally heartless.

SpeedRunParent · 14/04/2021 15:12

@Botanica

My otherwise normal husband has done this a couple of times. It's awful, and I still don't understand either.

It's like he's been possessed. He got right up in my face, repeated me in a strange voice and looked at me with a face I didn't recognise. For those minutes I felt as though I didn't know him and certainly couldn't love him.

I don't know OP what's going on, but you're not alone.

I think you'll find that a slip of the mask, I'm afraid. Sorry but that should not be ignored.

SpeedRunParent · 14/04/2021 15:14

@Luddite26

^ i drinkchocolate milk this is a reply to your post.

Hear hear!

SpeedRunParent · 14/04/2021 15:18

@StormcloakNord

A few thoughts -

Shaking and crying with fear is a massive overreaction.

He's a huge twat.

By staying with him "for the kids" you're teaching your children it's okay to treat other people like this. You're also decimating their standards for a healthy relationship.

I think telling oP she is over reacting is to have missed the subtext entirely. This misinterpretation has been covered above. The reaction will have had an autonomic basis, this man sounds dangerous.

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