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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you help me work out what just happened

88 replies

blondieblonde · 13/04/2021 23:43

I have been at an (online) event all evening since my husband came back from work and I emerged from it at about 9 hungry to find he had made himself dinner. I said calmly that in the circumstances he could have cooked and he started the most frightening behaviour. Everything I said to him he said back to me in a mimicking voice in a threatening way

'I've been at an important thing today'
'I've been at an important thing today'
'I am just asking you to cook in these circumstances'
'I am just asking you to cook in these circumstances'
all the way until I was crying and saying
'You can't talk to me like this'
'You can't talk to me like this'

I was shaking with fear and it reminded me of the worst bullying at school. Does anyone have any insight into what was going on? He has acted like this before, but not for a long time. I know it was unreasonable, but I just can't understand what happened. It woke up my daughter and made me shake with fear that anyone would act like that. I'm not bothered about the dinner thing, it could have been any issue.
Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
blondieblonde · 14/04/2021 00:17

CJsGoldfish as I've said no I won't put up with it any more, which is why I am now trying to work out what is going on

OP posts:
SheldonesqueHasGotTheWeevils · 14/04/2021 00:19

If you are scared by the look on his face and his tone, then there is a reason why you are scared.

Now imagine if he takes that same happiness making your kids feel scared.

The fact you have two children is not a reason to stay but a reason to be leaving.

No one should feel frightened in their own home.

Ladyellow · 14/04/2021 00:21

Why aren’t you allowed to go upstairs? Does he often banish you from your bedroom? What a horrible thing to have happened, i really feel for you. How old are your children? And how did he respond when your daughter woke up?

Original poster
blondieblonde · 14/04/2021 00:22

He did not notice or care that she'd woken up.

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 14/04/2021 00:28

@blondieblonde

It's the look in his face that makes me frightened. He is pleased to be doing it - not angry - but almost smiling.
This really disturbed me and I'm not surprised you're shaking and confused.

Either he's playing cruel mind games with you or being passive aggressive because he doesn't know how to communicate.

This isn't healthy or normal. Have you ever spoken to him about this weird behaviour?

HalzTangz · 14/04/2021 00:28

@blondieblonde

CJsGoldfish as I've said no I won't put up with it any more, which is why I am now trying to work out what is going on
I don't understand what there is to work out. The bloke is clearly a nasty bully who threw a strop at making his own dinner, then took pleasure in watching you shake and cry, and finished it off with don't you dare come up to bed.

By working it out, are you trying to find a reason to justify his behaviour. If so, sorry to say, but there is no justification for nastiness

Original poster
blondieblonde · 14/04/2021 00:30

Ruminating2020 I have tried, but he seems to have a policy to always deny and never apologise

OP posts:
Original poster
blondieblonde · 14/04/2021 00:30

I hear what you are all saying, thank you

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 14/04/2021 00:33

@blondieblonde This is controlling and abusive behaviour. Denying his behaviour and refusing to apologise are also red flags. It looks like he has no empathy to how his behaviour affects you. He doesn't have any respect for you op and your relationship is t a healthy loving one.

SheldonesqueHasGotTheWeevils · 14/04/2021 00:34

I have said it before but it is worth repeating.

I am always wary if someone never apologises for shit behaviour.

It means to me that they think they are entitled to behave how they like with no consequences.

How dare he tell you you can’t go to your bed when he is the one stropping.

OppsUpsSide · 14/04/2021 00:34

You’ve taken a big step by asking and seeking advice OP, hold on to that momentum.

Ladybird69 · 14/04/2021 00:37

This is just the start. You really don’t want to go down the rest of it. Please save yourself and leave NOW. I’m being serious things will get much much worse. Been there still having counselling now. Take care x

Chickmad · 14/04/2021 00:45

You deserve so much more than this OP. How dare he ban you from your bed.
With regards to the children. Would you think a partner of theirs treating them like he has you acceptable? They will grow up believing that this is ok.
You feeling frightened is a huge red flag. He enjoyed making you feel like that. And it won't be the last time.
Please look to find a way out. ❤

Gobbeldegook · 14/04/2021 00:45

This made my blood run cold.
You need to leave, he is dangerous.

If my DH mimicked me, I'd laugh and tell him to fuck off and he'd laugh and stop, that's how it's supposed to go.
The fact that he has instilled so much fear with a few words is horrifying. I really do think you and your children are in danger as long as he is around.
Keep courage. Be safe. Take care x

Anystarinthesky · 14/04/2021 00:46

I have never heard of anyone doing that. Pathetic.

It is so nasty, he wanted to make you cry, and utterly demean you.

Now you are not permitted to go to bed!

I am so sorry, you are going to have to do some thinking about your relationship, this won't be doing you any good at all.

Ruminating2020 · 14/04/2021 00:48

His behaviour will only get worse op. If he's never apologised for his behaviour before, then he's not going to change.

Consider leaving.

theuncles · 14/04/2021 00:57

@blondieblonde

GroggyLegs he is when it suits him/his self-image, but often sabotages my things when he feels otherwise. Many a time I have gone to an important meeting/interview crying
OP this is awful - you have often gone to meetings crying? So this behaviour is far from new. Plus the fact that you almost accept that what he said earlier means you have to sleep on the sofa (not that you'll want to be anywhere near him I'm sure) - implies that you've been banished from the bedroom before as well.

Sorry - but he is a controlling thug, and you do need to leave, as PPs have said. I think you know this - you haven't made excuses or said you love him, so I think you are ready to take control and protect your children. But you do need to leave - for your own sanity and to stop letting your DCs think this is OK.

It will be hard - and he will have rights to see the DCs and may be manipulative with them, but you need to be strong. Do you have family who can support you? Flowers

ExpulsoCorona · 14/04/2021 01:00

This was a really interesting documentary about coercive control. If you've got a spare hour by yourself watch it and see what you think: www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p08v5pwj/is-this-coercive-control

ExpulsoCorona · 14/04/2021 01:02

And then do the Freedom Programme.

BlueDahlia69 · 14/04/2021 01:04

what a vile jealous worthless controlling piece of shit he is.

sessell · 14/04/2021 01:11

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. It sounds as if he is jealous of you and trying to assert his dominance by putting you down and diminishing you. Are you more successful professionally? Some men find that hard, subconsciously. That doesn't excuse his behaviour at all - which sounds chilling. But it might help you understand it. I have seen it many times to varying degrees with the partners of successful women I've worked with.

Lovelydiscusfish · 14/04/2021 01:39

I hope you are safe now, OP.

This man is an utter fucking cunt. I’ve known a few like this in my time, and it’s brutal and of course it’s terrifying. They delight in causing fear, humiliation and pain in “their” women. And they will never face up to any fault, or say sorry.

Look after yourself please. You are worth so much more than this fucking sadistic pathetic loser.....

Onthedunes · 14/04/2021 04:01

Do you want a snapshot of your future ?

You are currently both quite young I'm assuming with young children, both on the same page, aspiring towards the same goals, you are a team bringing those children up.

You have seen his other side, glimpses of behaviour that has scared you. Your post suggests you are trying to figure him out, so you can control the situation.
You can't.
As you grow older, you will have less control over the situation and be at the mercy of him. He has no empathy, so all the things that happen over time, aging, ill health, loss of confidence will be met not with love and understanding but with contempt for you.
These are the good years with him, wait till he's older. You upset him by asking for dinner, what happens in years to come when you ask him to stop having affairs, stop being finanially abusive or stop physically and mentally abusing you.
I beliieve this man has the capability of being very cruel, you are not wrong to question this cruelty, please don't minimise it, look back at this post and remember it.
It is your body warning you, warning you of evil, don't ignor it.

Goawaymuppet · 14/04/2021 05:13

Everyone snaps occasionally and says something stupid or overreacts. But this isn't that! This is more sinister and nasty.
You're working and this has somehow provoked a very nasty backlash from him.
There is nothing to understand! He behaved appallingly and made you feel scared.
I've been married for 25 years - there have been many arguements but not once has my husband made me feel scared.

You need to leave this relationship. This is not a safe place for you or your children.

Eviebeans · 14/04/2021 05:16

If there's one thing the last year has taught me is that you have to seize life and live it in the best way you can. Be happy, have fun. So I think you need to do what it takes to make that happen. I don't think that includes him.

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