Can you help me work out what just happened

[blondieblonde]

I have been at an (online) event all evening since my husband came back from work and I emerged from it at about 9 hungry to find he had made himself dinner. I said calmly that in the circumstances he could have cooked and he started the most frightening behaviour. Everything I said to him he said back to me in a mimicking voice in a threatening way

'I've been at an important thing today'
'I've been at an important thing today'
'I am just asking you to cook in these circumstances'
'I am just asking you to cook in these circumstances'
all the way until I was crying and saying
'You can't talk to me like this'
'You can't talk to me like this'

I was shaking with fear and it reminded me of the worst bullying at school. Does anyone have any insight into what was going on? He has acted like this before, but not for a long time. I know it was unreasonable, but I just can't understand what happened. It woke up my daughter and made me shake with fear that anyone would act like that. I'm not bothered about the dinner thing, it could have been any issue.
Thanks

It sounds as though he’s a narcissist, I’m afraid, OP. The mask slipping, his jealousy and attempts to scupper your success, his enjoyment in your fear etc. I agree with other posters that his behaviour will get worse with time. Narcissists cannot be reasoned with. They are incapable of accepting they have done anything wrong. The only sensible thing to do when you’re faced with a narcissist is to get away from them. Do a bit of reading on covert narcissism and see if it sounds familiar. Good luck.

You pulled him up on his selfish behaviour and he 'punished' you for that by being nasty and threatening you by not allowing you to go to bed.

Sadistic, cruel and made you frightened enough to cry.
He's a disgusting piece of shit OP.
You deserve better than this maggot.

My otherwise normal husband has done this a couple of times. It's awful, and I still don't understand either.

It's like he's been possessed. He got right up in my face, repeated me in a strange voice and looked at me with a face I didn't recognise. For those minutes I felt as though I didn't know him and certainly couldn't love him.

I don't know OP what's going on, but you're not alone.

@blondieblonde

CJsGoldfish as I've said no I won't put up with it any more, which is why I am now trying to work out what is going on

As he was enjoying taunting and frightening you I'd suggest that you have found out what is going on and you should remove your children to safety.

End this relationship. He behaves like this because he feels you will leave as you are bettering yourself. He is in denial that it is his behaviour that will make you leave.
The worst part of staying with someone like this apart from the lifelong effect on your children is you will wake up one day and see how much of your precious life is wasted being controlled.
This man isn't just being silly or cruel he is twisted and sinister. Whatever your circumstances get him out or get out and tbh there is probably more support at the moment. Contact a domestic abuse charity today. Enough is enough. Don't feel ashamed it is his behaviour not yours.
It's always subtle enough so you don't think it's that bad. Had he punched you last night you would think it was different but the not letting you upstairs is so demeaning. It will turn to violence.
I spent 17 years with a bastard like this ended up getting strangled and my daughter getting him off me. That's most of my 20s and all my 30s lost when i finally got away too much damage was done to me and the children and too much time lost.
Get out get help.
I know what eggshells you will be walking on when ge gets up this morning. Take that step today contact a domestic abuse charity that is what his behaviour is. That is what you need to understand. Don't make excuses for him or think you can't or don't need to carry on without him you cannot carry on with him.
Please contact someone today. You have took the first step by saying it out loud on here. listen to what people are saying . This is not your fault.

I too believe you need to get away from him urgently and stay away from him.

Stop trying to work out the why of it and take action. The why is because he feels like doing it. You don't need to know any more than that.

Get away. Get divorced. He is the lowest sort of person and you need to minimise his influence on your life.

@blondieblonde

Echoing others responses that this behaviour is most certainly not normal !!

It sounds as though he has, over the years, tried and tested several 'techniques' for bullying and intimidating you, as a means of asserting his dominance over you

It seems to delight him and he really enjoys your distress doesn't he ?

Honestly, unless you want your kids to grow up seeing their mother abused and doing nothing to deserve it, or to protect herself/ them from it, then you really must act now.

This 'relationship' is so abusive , it's damaging you and the DC daily, even if you don't think the kids are aware, believe me, they are.

Get all your financial, medical, legal paperwork/ passports/ medication ready, then leave him.

I'd either be leaving with the kids, or telling him to leave (but make sure you have RL support present when you tell him), whichever you think would work best.
Make sure that there is always a 'witness' present at all times when he is present. (If necessary, move your mum/ friend/ relative in until you have separated, so that he never has the opportunity to start his abusive bullying behaviour with you again.

@Newworld2021

Shaking and crying because he repeated you?

Sounds like hes losing it and maybe there is a much greater back story to this. I wouldnt be happy but wouldnt be shaking and crying. I’d be standing up and kicking him out.

Agree with this. I don’t find that behaviour threatening? VERY immature but not threatening to the point of shaking and crying with fear. I think your overreacting

I don't think you're over reacting op, I think you've found out that your husband takes pleasure in upsetting you, belittling you and generally making you unhappy, I'd say that was quite an upsetting thing to experience.

What ORPHLIDS says:
read up on covert narcissism !
I had to do this, same period last year and my blood ran cold, everything I read was so chillingly what I was living. My specimen was textbook "covert narcissist" and after educating myself on that (on quora.com), I realised how these people are all the same and cannot change.
Please, do not stay with someone like that, they will ruin your life, your health, your friendships, your carreer.
The bloke is a bullying, childish, jealous, angry, unfeeling egostistical bastard who thrives on belittling and controlling those around him.
Read up, educate yourself on this and Leave !

Sorry this post isn't helpful. The relationship the OP is in has a level of abuse which makes somebody live in fear when many would turn and say up yours matey. The OP is reacting in the way the prick she lives with has conditioned her to. Possibly you know this and are just baiting on a thread about what is domestic abuse. If you really believe she has overreacted you are lucky to have lived a life free of this form of abuse.

^ i drinkchocolate milk this is a reply to your post.

You sound puzzled Op, what you need to feel is angry, how dare he treat you like this! He doesn't care you're upset and he's done this before to punish you. A man who has such a nasty attitute to his wife isn't a good DH or father, would you be happy for him to treat your daughter like this?
Time for a long clear look at this marriage and see what you'll have to put up with if you stay

You are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out do it for your dc. They are already affected. The longer you stay the greater their trauma will become and it will affect them for the rest of their lives. Limit the damage being done to them.

This sounds awful. Of course you're not overreacting. It sounds like there's a lot more going on too, but he's worn you down with confusion and self doubt. This is not normal or ok. You and your children deserve better. Posting here is your first step to getting out.

Your shaking with fear response was your body telling you what your brain can't compute just yet.

It was telling you that you are not safe. That his actions were wrong.

I remember the first time I posted on here for advice about my relationship and my responses resolutely denying abuse, because I just couldn't see it, or didn't want to accept it. I've seen the same thing in other posters many times since. It's a hard message to take from strangers behind a screen especially as it involves changing your life and giving up on your current visions of your future life.

However, sadly these posters are right and his abuse will continue and likely escalate. I suggest you access the freedom programme online to learn the many different ways that abuse can occur and especially the cycle of abuse. Start to educate yourself and quietly make plans for your escape.

Once you can recognise the abuse, the posters on MN will be amazing at supporting you through the process.
Wish you all the best for your future.

So what are you going to do about this op, to show him you’re not putting up with it any longer. Were you ‘allowed’ to go to bed last night?

Please make plans to divorce this abuser

Keep your head down, get ducks in a row and report to police any abusive behaviour.

Then present him with the divorce papers

Ok, it’s not remotely normal to be shaking in fear and crying when someone mimics you. Generally you tell them to fuck off or walk away, or get mad. So something else is behind your reaction.

I’m also concerned about being allowed to go to bed. Where did you sleep?

A few thoughts -

1. Shaking and crying with fear is a massive overreaction.

1. He's a huge twat.

1. By staying with him "for the kids" you're teaching your children it's okay to treat other people like this. You're also decimating their standards for a healthy relationship.

After being with my ex for a while, who would behave like this, all it took was a huff or a look or one comment and my heart rate would increase massively. I would see it on my Fitbit suddenly jump to 100+ bpm.

I would also spend my whole day asking him if he was alright, sometimes every few minutes, to make sure he wasn't angry with me.

So posters saying this is an overreaction are imagining themselves with this as a one off. When you have seen how a tiny non-issue can escalate into having abuse screamed in your face, you do feel very scared and anxious when there's a confrontation.

You say you've gone to many interviews crying. Think about why, he doesn't want you to be successful. What a nasty shit.

Wow he's a nasty, childish bully.

And he appears to resent you having any success or what might be perceived as importance in life - hence sabotaging your job interviews in the past. It seems like if you pursue a career and do stuff related to it (esp if it "inconveniences" him in that it makes you unavailable to do domestic stuff for a spell) he gets v v angry and tires to punish you. One can only imagine at the mentality/values a man who acts like they holds ... Presumably not one where women are equal.

Does he often go off to bed and tell you/imply that you're not allowed to sleep in your own bed because youve had an "argument" (thus wasn't an argument incidentally, it was a bullying attack on you because he was angry you didn't cook, and worse still had the effrontery (!) to expect him to make you sine food along with the family's) and essentially tell you to sleep on the sofa or elsewhere. .. like a dog or a couch surfer.

That smacks again of seeing you/women as inferior and wanting to assert dominance. Presumably it gives him satisfaction and he thinks it's "correct" that he bans you from the bedroom and from sleeping in your own bed and he sleeps there comfortably, while you try to make do with the sofa. Presumably you often have work the next day and or all the work that comes with a household.

This isn't a man to have a good, healthy, fair relationship. He's twisted.

He has values re women and relationships that are incompatible with a good relationship.

If this was your adult dd's life would you tell her to stay if they had dc? Or would you help her find ways to away from him.

Your dc need protecting from him.
It is your responsibility to do that.