Is this normal or controlling?

[user155694647]

Hello

Please can I ask for some advice? I've been with my husband for 8 years and I don't know if things are okay between us. I was only 18 when we got together and I felt so grown up but looking back I was a bit immature. I was unhappy at my parents and just wanted to get out and we moved in together and got married very quickly. We've no kids yet.

Our life is lovely most of the time, but I had a conversation with my sister and she said some things don't seem right and she was worried about me? Sorry if one of these is TMI but this is what I told her:

• When we watched the Bake Off I said I might apply next time as I love to bake and like to think I'm good at it. He said "why do you want to do that, you wouldn't win?!" this is an example but he does say stuff like this to me fairly often
• We had a really strange start to our sex life. I'd had sex before and he said he had too, but it took us two years to sleep together. We did other stuff just not full sex, and the first few times we did he told me how shit I was at it. He wants it often now but I don't enjoy doing it that much and I always have these things in the back of my mind and I never have an orgasm because I'm so worried I'm being awful or embarassing
• He has quite a good job and earns a decent amount and doesn't like me working. I work as a nursery nurse and I love it so much so that I don't want to leave but I have gone part time but he does bug me often about when we have kids I'll have to give it up fully and he wishes I would give it up now, that he can take care of us financially and he would rather me be home. I feel guilty that I don't quit because he says other women would jump at the chance. I would like to get a degree in early childhood studies that I can do at college while I'm working but he says there's no point doing it and getting into debt when we'll have kids soon and I won't be working then
• He doesn't like drinking or going out, so we don't really. We don't have McDonalds or KFC as he doesn't like them. He looks down on people who do do those things. I do things without him sometimes but not very often as he can be a bit moody about it and for example if I go out on a Saturday things will be miserable on Sunday and he might give me silent treatment which I really hate or he'll just be grumpy about everything

My sister said he seems controlling but I think that these are just the low points and anyone else in a relationship would have similar things they could say but people just don't talk about the bad bits of their relationships in public. She said I should post on here to see what other people thought?

Sorry if this is too long or I'm just being silly x

He's a dick. You're only young, get out.

And, yes, your sister is right.

Please for the love of god don’t have kids with him and expose them to this controlling behaviour.

Thank god you don’t have kids with him!

He’s awful

My love, thank god your sister is there for you.

Please listen to her and get out as soon as you can.

Yes he's controlling and an arse. Please don't have kids with him and give up your job, it'll be terrible.

So many red flags.

How often do you do what you want to do and how often do you end up doing what he wants, or what you think he would want?

Could you go away with your sister for a weekend without hassle?

Please don’t think you’re silly, or imagining things, please don’t blame yourself for any of this.

Men like him target women like you to break down and control the way he has done

You were young and vulnerable and he exploited that.

You will learn from this, you’ll get stronger and you will be happier

But he has to go.

Take good care of covering tracks though, keep yourself safe until you’re out

Don’t have kids with him it will get worse. Get out you are young enough to start again.

Your sister is right. It's not normal. And no my relationship is definitely not like that. Why on earth would a women jump at the chance to give up work. Some of us want careers and independence. Leave while you still can.

Hello, I'd say the first thing (about Bake Off) is just rude but not controlling; the second thing (sex) is very concerning and you are far too young at 26 (?) to have this miserableness in your future; the third thing (about work & career) is massively controlling and a clear sign that you are fucked if you carry on with him; the fourth thing (McDonalds) is personal taste but he's being an arse to push his views onto you so aggressively.
I know this is a clique but I am guessing he is older than you by a bit??
He is an arse, and at 26 do not fall for it!!! You have so much life ahead of you, choose wisely!!! When you have kids you are tied to their dad forever.
I don't have anything nice at all to say about your DH from what you've said.
If you like/love/trust your sister, she can help you. Good luck. Don't get stuck with an arse just because it seems kind/easier/fairer, because it will store up grief in the long run.

Ew

He’s isolating you and keeping you in a little box where you can never better yourself

I’m a few years younger than you and wouldn’t want to be in your position. This relationship sounds like hell

No, not at all normal. I've never had anything like this in any relationship I've ever been in. Those are all awful things.

Awful .
I would divorce him asap, Don't have kids with him!
Your sister is right, Its v.v. controlling.

Your sister is right. Please don't think that you are being silly.

He's controlling and it will only get worse if you have kids with him. He is trying to push you in to a situation where he had complete financial control over you. Listen to your sister and get out.

Listen to your sister.

He's controlling & controlling men only get worse.

I know he's all you've known & you've been together fir a goid few years, but you're young & you should get out. Be single fir a bit then find a decent man you can can have an equal relationship with. Not one who says horrible things, tells you you're crap & dictates whether you work or not or eat mcD's or not.

I know it's hard to hear, but you deserve so much more from life than this.

And yes, before you say it, I'm sure you're thinking 'he's not all bad/we have a nice lifestyle etc etc.

Life is about more than that.

Controlling and it will get worse when you have children.

Run

Your sister is right. You are walking on eggshells already. Do not give up your financial independence or have kids with this man.

I would absolutely hate to be taken care of! I love my job and I’m very good at it.

Make a life for yourself without this guy. He is controlling and unpleasant. You deserve better

Controlling yes. He want's to keep your world very small, just stay home, don't further yourself academically or career wise, why enter that contest.

He sounds like the type who would feel threatened if you made something of yourself beyond enjoying what he (the big man) can give you. The reason I say this is because I think he negs you, if you think about it hard are there any other things he tells you that you are not so good at as well as sex? Insecure men often want young girls with little life experience to keep themselves feeling like the 'main' person, the one that knows things, the one that can earn.

I read a very sad thread on her once by a lady who met her DH young like you and he felt like he was introducing her to life, I think she was maybe mid 30's by this point and had her own grown up tastes and preferences. This didn't go down well with Mr. sophisticated grown up, he resented her having an adult personality and being less in awe of him.

Do not get pregnant. This isn't a normal relationship Sorry

Oh wow I wasn't expecting so many responses and so quickly.

@mangosteensoda no I wouldn't be able to go away for a night or weekend without him. He always said he doesn't think people in couples should want to go away overnight and leave the other person.

@mistystar99 he is older but only 2 years

So he doesn't want you working, or taking a degree or going out, and gives you the silent treatment if you eat food that he doesn't approve of. And he's taken away your confidence in intimate relationships!

If you give up work and have children, you'll have no employment, no education, no money of your own, no time to yourself and no social life. You will be completely in his power.
Personally I'd run for the hills.

At the very least, insist on taking your degree, keep working and don't have children until after you graduate. Your sister is right.

He is very controlling. Please think about leaving him.

Jeez - this is bad, OP.

The odd thing (food etc) maybe you could overlook, but not all this.

The whole world should still be your oyster in mid 20s.

And I say that as someone who personally had no desire to travel much beyond 2 weeks holiday, and ended up in my home town anyway!