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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal or controlling?

167 replies

user155694647 · 13/04/2021 18:35

Hello

Please can I ask for some advice? I've been with my husband for 8 years and I don't know if things are okay between us. I was only 18 when we got together and I felt so grown up but looking back I was a bit immature. I was unhappy at my parents and just wanted to get out and we moved in together and got married very quickly. We've no kids yet.

Our life is lovely most of the time, but I had a conversation with my sister and she said some things don't seem right and she was worried about me? Sorry if one of these is TMI but this is what I told her:

  • When we watched the Bake Off I said I might apply next time as I love to bake and like to think I'm good at it. He said "why do you want to do that, you wouldn't win?!" this is an example but he does say stuff like this to me fairly often
  • We had a really strange start to our sex life. I'd had sex before and he said he had too, but it took us two years to sleep together. We did other stuff just not full sex, and the first few times we did he told me how shit I was at it. He wants it often now but I don't enjoy doing it that much and I always have these things in the back of my mind and I never have an orgasm because I'm so worried I'm being awful or embarassing
  • He has quite a good job and earns a decent amount and doesn't like me working. I work as a nursery nurse and I love it so much so that I don't want to leave but I have gone part time but he does bug me often about when we have kids I'll have to give it up fully and he wishes I would give it up now, that he can take care of us financially and he would rather me be home. I feel guilty that I don't quit because he says other women would jump at the chance. I would like to get a degree in early childhood studies that I can do at college while I'm working but he says there's no point doing it and getting into debt when we'll have kids soon and I won't be working then
  • He doesn't like drinking or going out, so we don't really. We don't have McDonalds or KFC as he doesn't like them. He looks down on people who do do those things. I do things without him sometimes but not very often as he can be a bit moody about it and for example if I go out on a Saturday things will be miserable on Sunday and he might give me silent treatment which I really hate or he'll just be grumpy about everything

My sister said he seems controlling but I think that these are just the low points and anyone else in a relationship would have similar things they could say but people just don't talk about the bad bits of their relationships in public. She said I should post on here to see what other people thought?

Sorry if this is too long or I'm just being silly x

OP posts:
EvelynBeatrice · 14/04/2021 14:37

The best guide as to whether behaviour is controlling is to look at what happens when you disagree or say no. For example, in a healthy relationship with a mature psychologically normal partner, if one person doesn’t fancy macdonalds or a particular type of food, they would say to the other, ‘but that needn’t stop you... shall I order you one; I’ll just have oven fish etc...!’ Its also abnormal in a healthy relationship not to want to see the other person fulfilled to maximum extent possible whether that’s in bed (!) or professionally by pursuing educational dreams.
Try saying no a few times. If you’re uncomfortable at the thought of even doing that, ask yourself why. It’s fine to consider the other's opinion, but in the end things concerning you personally are your call.

Dizzy1234 · 14/04/2021 14:40

Yep, run for the hills.
Your sister is spot on, he's trying to control you.
He doesn't want you to go to work, go out with friends, you can't have a night away from him and you can't even have a mcdonalds 🙄
If you give up work then you will be relying on him for everything then he's really caught you in a trap.
In a real relationship people, support, uplift and encourage each other, he's going to drag you down.
If you end up having DC with him you will be tied to the house with no money and no escape, please read some of the other posts on MN re control, read how other woman find themselves trapped.
Sign up for your course, better yourself and improve your life.
So what if he gives you the silent treatment, you do realise this is him controlling you, pack a bag and leave, he can't ignore you if you're not there.
If you don't we'll see you on here in 10 yrs time bemoaning that you're unhappy and trapped.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 14:41

He's a controlling abusive prick. PLEASE go back to your folks' or sister's house and divorce him. You're so young, don't waste your life on this twat.

doodleygirl · 14/04/2021 14:42

OP, I think you know the answer to this question. If you have to ask it’s already wrong.

You have a life ahead of you which could be amazing but not with this person.

transbadger · 14/04/2021 14:50

@doodleygirl

OP, I think you know the answer to this question. If you have to ask it’s already wrong.

You have a life ahead of you which could be amazing but not with this person.

I think this is true. If everything was ok you wouldn't be here asking. There's never a doubt in my mind that my husband is kind, caring, respectful and loving. I never think to myself "is he being controlling?"

Look after yourself OP.

Monr0e · 14/04/2021 14:52

Is it bad? It is truly awful.

It is all about what he wants, what he thinks, what you should do.

You sound completely worn down with no voice or opinions of your own. You are so so young, this does not have to be the rest of your life.

What else does he control? What you watch on TV? What you eat? What you wear? Imagine a life where the only person you need to consider when you choose something is yourself

ineedaholidaynow · 14/04/2021 14:55

Listen to your sister and leave him

DianeCherry · 14/04/2021 15:05

Just think about this OP. When you world has shrunk to the inside of your home and you have no job and no qualifications and no income, and he has an affair (which men like this so often do) how will you rebuild your life?

Don't get yourself into that position. Live your life, for you. Don't just let him wipe his feet on you every day.

emmylousings · 14/04/2021 15:09

Your sister is spot on. Do not get pregnant or give up your job. While you plan your exit, start the degree you want to do, it will help you build confidence and show him he can't push you around, or even more simply, make decisions for you. If possible discuss it with someone else you trust for another view IRL.

Bubblebu · 14/04/2021 15:11

i have not read the full thread but user155:

"I was unhappy at my parents and just wanted to get out and we moved in together and got married very quickly. We've no kids yet"

in particular the I was unhappy at my parents bit.

This is where it started off not quite right in my humble opinion.

And agree with others - do not have children with him....

Tubs11 · 14/04/2021 15:17

your sister is right! not a healthy relationship and like others agree you should walk away from this marriage before you are trapped.

Find someone who will treat you as an equal, life is too short imp

and well done you for wanting to study, suggest you make that happen as you clearly have an appetite for it

CraftyYankee · 14/04/2021 15:19

Every single person here can see the warning signs. Your sister has sent you here because she knew that would be the reaction. Please listen.

Nonmaquillee · 14/04/2021 15:22

You're so young, you can have a great life ahead of you but you have to get out of your marriage. It sounds so unhealthy.

Ugzbugz · 14/04/2021 15:27

Do not ever have children with this man, their lives will be ruined and manipulative and they will have a very distorted view of relationships. You need to leave ASAP.

Original poster
user155694647 · 14/04/2021 15:32

No @triffid1 he doesn't like my sister. He doesn't really like anyone.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 14/04/2021 15:34

He's controlling. Why did you get married as opposed to living together? You're so young, you could have a wonderful life.

At the moment you're not living your life, you're living the life he allows you to.

What do your friends think of him?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 15:38

@user155694647

No *@triffid1* he doesn't like my sister. He doesn't really like anyone.
Of course he doesn't, because he's a controlling, abusive prick.
Original poster
user155694647 · 14/04/2021 15:38

@Bubblebu I think growing up my mum was very bossy, I always felt like I was in trouble for something, there was a fair bit of shouting and smacking and I thought that my parents didn't love me. I didn't do well in my GCSEs and I did an NVQ instead of going to do a levels and Uni and I was such a disappointment to them.

My husband didn't like my Mum and would always tell me how horrible and controlling she was and I felt like he rescued me from it all but it gets to me sometimes, it feels the same, the same silent treatments and walking on egg shells and never having anyone say anything nice about me. Its like I went from being bossed around in my Mums to being bossed around by my husband

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 14/04/2021 15:47

Your sister is right. He is miserable and controlling.
You sound lovely and full of life and he's doing his best to dim your light.

You're so young and have your entire life ahead of you.
Going to uni would be a great experience for you.

Triffid1 · 14/04/2021 16:04

@user155694647 I'm sorry to be right.

He doesn't like anyone who might actually provide you with an alternative opinion or support.

Unfortunately, it's also not that odd that if your mum was like this you've found yourself in this situation with a man because you've already been conditioned by her. He shouldn't dislike her but be grateful because it was probably much easier to catch and keep you because of her in the first place [clearly I'm being facetious].

Agree with a PP, the best way to test is to say no. tell hi you are going out or you are going away with your sister or some other perfectly reasonable thing like getting a KFC. And if (when) he kicks off, you will know what the rest of us already do.

cordelia16 · 14/04/2021 16:07

Please leave him. Get out while you can and cut all ties. Live your life fully, without second guessing yourself and walking on eggshells. That is no life at all.

You don't think it's that bad because you've been dealing with it slowly over time. As an animal lover, I hate the boiling frog analogy, but it's exactly what's happening here.

In case you don't know it:
The boiling frog is a fable describing a frog being slowly boiled alive. The premise is that if a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out, but if the frog is put in tepid water which is then brought to a boil slowly, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death. The story is often used as a metaphor for the inability or unwillingness of people to react to or be aware of sinister threats that arise gradually rather than suddenly.

At this writing, the thread is 6 pages long. Not a single person has suggested you stay and work it out. Use your sister for support and get out of there. It will NEVER get better.

LondonJax · 14/04/2021 16:07

Your sister's right I'm afraid. No one should give another person the silent treatment for the occasional night out. TBH my DH is more likely to drive me to the pub or whatever and pick me up afterwards so I could have a few drinks!

And I agree with other people on here about the ridiculous situation with takeaways. DH will go out and get he and I a curry and drop in at the chip shop for fish and chips for DS or get a McDonald's for him as he doesn't like curry. You don't control what someone else eats (unless they're on doctor's orders not to eat certain things but that's entirely different).

The walking on eggshells won't stop - believe me.

MazekeenSmith · 14/04/2021 16:09

He's utterly dreadful
Please leave and start your life

DianeCherry · 14/04/2021 17:06

[quote user155694647]@Bubblebu I think growing up my mum was very bossy, I always felt like I was in trouble for something, there was a fair bit of shouting and smacking and I thought that my parents didn't love me. I didn't do well in my GCSEs and I did an NVQ instead of going to do a levels and Uni and I was such a disappointment to them.

My husband didn't like my Mum and would always tell me how horrible and controlling she was and I felt like he rescued me from it all but it gets to me sometimes, it feels the same, the same silent treatments and walking on egg shells and never having anyone say anything nice about me. Its like I went from being bossed around in my Mums to being bossed around by my husband[/quote]
When I had treatment for PTSD as a result of an abusive relationship, my therapist said to me "I can see my who patients are in a waiting room full of people, don't you think these perpetrators can see them too?"

You came from a controlling home, you will have had that written all over your face and he will have seen that and just reeled you in. You already knew what behaviours he wanted you to have, you'd had practice already.

Take heed of the advice here OP and leave this man.

Original poster
user155694647 · 14/04/2021 17:31

Can you ever not be recognisable like that @DianeCherry?

OP posts:
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