Is this normal or controlling?

[user155694647]

Hello

Please can I ask for some advice? I've been with my husband for 8 years and I don't know if things are okay between us. I was only 18 when we got together and I felt so grown up but looking back I was a bit immature. I was unhappy at my parents and just wanted to get out and we moved in together and got married very quickly. We've no kids yet.

Our life is lovely most of the time, but I had a conversation with my sister and she said some things don't seem right and she was worried about me? Sorry if one of these is TMI but this is what I told her:

• When we watched the Bake Off I said I might apply next time as I love to bake and like to think I'm good at it. He said "why do you want to do that, you wouldn't win?!" this is an example but he does say stuff like this to me fairly often
• We had a really strange start to our sex life. I'd had sex before and he said he had too, but it took us two years to sleep together. We did other stuff just not full sex, and the first few times we did he told me how shit I was at it. He wants it often now but I don't enjoy doing it that much and I always have these things in the back of my mind and I never have an orgasm because I'm so worried I'm being awful or embarassing
• He has quite a good job and earns a decent amount and doesn't like me working. I work as a nursery nurse and I love it so much so that I don't want to leave but I have gone part time but he does bug me often about when we have kids I'll have to give it up fully and he wishes I would give it up now, that he can take care of us financially and he would rather me be home. I feel guilty that I don't quit because he says other women would jump at the chance. I would like to get a degree in early childhood studies that I can do at college while I'm working but he says there's no point doing it and getting into debt when we'll have kids soon and I won't be working then
• He doesn't like drinking or going out, so we don't really. We don't have McDonalds or KFC as he doesn't like them. He looks down on people who do do those things. I do things without him sometimes but not very often as he can be a bit moody about it and for example if I go out on a Saturday things will be miserable on Sunday and he might give me silent treatment which I really hate or he'll just be grumpy about everything

My sister said he seems controlling but I think that these are just the low points and anyone else in a relationship would have similar things they could say but people just don't talk about the bad bits of their relationships in public. She said I should post on here to see what other people thought?

Sorry if this is too long or I'm just being silly x

user - Wed 14-Apr-21 15:38:44

i hate to say this but i only do because your comments in your above post remind me a bit of me. i did not get married anywhere as young as you but what you say about your home life and then your subsequent choice of life partner sounds familiar.

sub consciously you were attracted to someone who does (or certainly has the potential in the future to) have the same qualities and ways of interacting as your birth family / parents did with you.

ironic really if ending up with your husband was partly to get away from your birth family.

if you were able to live with your birth family without falling back into old patterns of communicaiton with them are you allowed to do that?

failing that who else / where else could you live if you were to move out?
this is your chance.
oh and whilst you are thinking about it please please please make sure your contraception method is as secure as you can possibly make it because falling pregnant at this moment would not be in your best interests xx

@mooonstone

Ew

He’s isolating you and keeping you in a little box where you can never better yourself

I’m a few years younger than you and wouldn’t want to be in your position. This relationship sounds like hell

Exactly this. Get out while you can. Ask your sister for help - it must be really distressing for her to see you living like that.

@user155694647

Can you ever not be recognisable like that *@DianeCherry*?

I think knowledge and recovery are the main things. Know what makes you vulnerable and work on resolving those things and no longer being vulnerable. Also, with knowledge comes the ability to recognise what you project. Your posture, whether you make eye contact, the pitch of your voice, self confidence, all of those things.

the takeaways thing is resonating with me now.
not because my ex husband did exactly that (he didnt and neither of us much wanted takeaways) but he had lots of "strange quirks" (that is how i thought of them at the time) which looking back were just wrong wrong wrong.

I am extremely slim (BMI about 19) very naturally, i have never gone on a diet and to this day i never had weighing scales in my home. my ex husband was and is similarly naturally slim.
however on the rare occasion i was sat eating a favourite chocolate bar (in the years when we were married) and i turned to him and said in passing "Want some?" he would always reply "No, I am on a diet". The first time he did it i laughed in his face it was so ridiculous - neither of us were had ever been or most likely would ever be on a diet.

But the more he did it the more i realised it was one of those very weird little mind games he was trying to play with me - it never worked but maybe it did work because i did eventually stop laughing in response when he came out with that little turn of response.
so anything you have excused or passed off as a funny little quirk of your husbands - think again. And good luck xx

Your story post sounds very much like someone I knew (eerily so) except that she had children. She started to doubt how healthy her relationship with her DH was when she heard other mums talking about how their DHs behaved. I remember once she wanted to go out with a few friends from work for someone's birthday and asked a group of us how much detail about the night (who would be there, which restaurant, which pub for drinks afterwards etc) we would need to be able to provide before our DHs would give us permission to go. It seemed to be a bit of an eye opener for her when we unanimously said we would not need to ask for permission!

She left him shortly after and he tried to make it difficult for her (he really didn't like giving up the control he had)! But she re-trained, got the job she wanted and has a much better life now.

"He looks down on people who do do those things"

yup.

another classic sign (small things which he says makes other people less than him / you and so do not associate with them or be like them)....

tell tale sign.

Thank you @bubblebu that sounds like something I can imagine my husband being like.

He isn't against takeaways overall, we don't have loads as he prefers a home cooked meal but we will occasionally have a curry or fish and chips. Just McDonalds or KFC he doesn't like.

Another similar thing is if we went to a cafe we might get cake but if I got chocolate cake, he will go on and on about it and how boring it is and it looks dry and I always get chocolate flavour and don't I want to try a different flavour, he will make me try his, and go on and on until I say I wish I hadn't got chocolate cake. There are tons of rules like that

I'm glad your friend has a much better life now @oppositeofbubbly

He isn't against takeaways overall, we don't have loads as he prefers a home cooked meal

By you, of course, and cleaned up by you, too.

These are not rules, OP, they are abuse. Please please please get out of there.

This man is vile.

Hi OP, I would agree with everything everyone has already said.
Please listen to your sister.
One thing I would add is that you've said he only acts like this some of the time as if it makes it's less of an issue. I just wanted to say that even if he's like this 10% of the time, it is still so so wrong (although from reading your posts I get the impression he's controlling every aspect of your life, you maybe just can't see it just now)

At 26, you should be having fun and enjoying your job and social life. You sound like a lovely person. You have years ahead of you to meet someone else. Please think about divorcing him. You could do so much better. These "rules" of his will get 100 times worse after you have kids and then you really will be trapped.

He's treating you like a possession rather than a life partner to cherish encourage motivate and grow together with
He's a prick ... vile ... listen to your sister

what Itlod1982 said about only some of the time / 10% of the time.

Same with me it was not all of the time but, with me, as soon as I had children it got far far worse.

Thankfully with my ex it ended up as total 100% neglect, multiple infidelity and abandonment. Controlling does not have to be active/physical/violent. Mind games and chronic neglect (interspersed with blaming you) can be as bad.

The chocolate cake thing you describe sounds so familiar. it is in the same theme as discouraging you / shaming you for musing about entering Bake Off. These petty things are one upmanship to him - he cannot just relax and love you as you are.

someone once said to me that if a man takes himself very seriously that is often a bad sign. take your work, take your family, take your commitments seriously but always be able to laugh at yourself.

all my (few) boyfriends and my ex husband could never laugh at themselves (or indeed laugh along at something else funny with me like something on the tv or something little like that) ....and i can now see that (for me at least) that turned out to be a very bad thing.

Listen to your sister.

He is controlling, manipulative and convinced he is superior to you. I'm sorry OP, but you're a bit part supporting character, a pawn in his chess game being pushed onto the squares he wants you to be on.

Do not give up your job - I don't imagine he will let you have access to money. Can you imagine having to ask him for £10 to go to the cinema with the sister he doesn't approve of?

You've had great advice OP. I just want to reiterate you are better than this and deserve better than him. I watched my beautiful mam walk on eggshells her whole life, DON'T be her.

At 26 I was living the life of Riley- i had taken a year out of work to travel across the world on my own. It's one of the best things I've ever, ever done. I'm not saying go and trek in Thailand, I saying you should be as free as I was to do exactly what you like without Mr Negative draining the lifeblood from you.

Be on your own, look into that degree and get your application into Bake Off.

There are tons of rules like that

They aren’t real rules though. You are following his instructions because you have been worn down and diminished by him.

Break free. You are definitely better than good enough. That’s why you started this thread - to rescue yourself.

If you're finding his behavior stifling now I promise you that once you have children and are totally financially dependent upon him it will get worse; and even if you decide to lock horns on the socialising with friends, taking your degree and working part time he will eventually wear you down. Spend a little more time on MN and you will see your story mirrored too many times and the inevitable outcomes. Keep your dear sister close and protect the relationship you have with her, she has your back.

He wants to reduce you to nothing, so he has complete control. He will never encourage and support you in your career or when you have children. Do the Freedom Programme and speak to Women’s Aid. You have got your whole life ahead of you. You can be free, get your qualifications and live your best life with someone who has your interests at heart.