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Original poster

Is this normal or controlling?

167 replies

user155694647 · 13/04/2021 18:35

Hello

Please can I ask for some advice? I've been with my husband for 8 years and I don't know if things are okay between us. I was only 18 when we got together and I felt so grown up but looking back I was a bit immature. I was unhappy at my parents and just wanted to get out and we moved in together and got married very quickly. We've no kids yet.

Our life is lovely most of the time, but I had a conversation with my sister and she said some things don't seem right and she was worried about me? Sorry if one of these is TMI but this is what I told her:

  • When we watched the Bake Off I said I might apply next time as I love to bake and like to think I'm good at it. He said "why do you want to do that, you wouldn't win?!" this is an example but he does say stuff like this to me fairly often
  • We had a really strange start to our sex life. I'd had sex before and he said he had too, but it took us two years to sleep together. We did other stuff just not full sex, and the first few times we did he told me how shit I was at it. He wants it often now but I don't enjoy doing it that much and I always have these things in the back of my mind and I never have an orgasm because I'm so worried I'm being awful or embarassing
  • He has quite a good job and earns a decent amount and doesn't like me working. I work as a nursery nurse and I love it so much so that I don't want to leave but I have gone part time but he does bug me often about when we have kids I'll have to give it up fully and he wishes I would give it up now, that he can take care of us financially and he would rather me be home. I feel guilty that I don't quit because he says other women would jump at the chance. I would like to get a degree in early childhood studies that I can do at college while I'm working but he says there's no point doing it and getting into debt when we'll have kids soon and I won't be working then
  • He doesn't like drinking or going out, so we don't really. We don't have McDonalds or KFC as he doesn't like them. He looks down on people who do do those things. I do things without him sometimes but not very often as he can be a bit moody about it and for example if I go out on a Saturday things will be miserable on Sunday and he might give me silent treatment which I really hate or he'll just be grumpy about everything

My sister said he seems controlling but I think that these are just the low points and anyone else in a relationship would have similar things they could say but people just don't talk about the bad bits of their relationships in public. She said I should post on here to see what other people thought?

Sorry if this is too long or I'm just being silly x

OP posts:
Pashazade · 13/04/2021 18:59

Please listen to your sister. He is telling you how he wants you to be not supporting you in being the person you want to be. He belittles you and puts you down. A good partner does the opposite. Does he like your family, I suspect he doesn't. Also I regularly go away without my husband, he is happy for me to do so, we love each other but don't feel the need to be in each other's pockets. We like the other person to be happy, so going away to have fun with friends or pursue an interest is a good thing in our books. It makes both our lives richer. Make sure you are using contraception and make plans to leave as others have said this will only get worse.

FelicityPike · 13/04/2021 18:59

It must have taken your sister an awful lot to tell you this opinion. She’s absolutely correct.
Is she in a position to help you? Can you stay with her for a bit for instance?

Chunkykitkat22 · 13/04/2021 19:01

I do believe these behaviours are controlling.

What I would say is instead think about this - is this the relationship and the husband you want? Can you picture living like this for the rest of your life?

I really am wishing you the best because you really do deserve better and to be with a man who brings you up instead of being insulting and pulling you down. It breaks my heart to hear there are women being told they are shit at sex by their husband - nobody deserves that.

Quartz2208 · 13/04/2021 19:02

The biggest is you only working part time OP so you are entirely dependent on him is a massive red flag and isnt normal coupled with the fact your dont enjoy sex means I would get out now while you can.

Increase your hours to full time and make plans to leave

category12 · 13/04/2021 19:04

He's incredibly controlling and he is eroding your self-esteem and sense of self.

FinallyHere · 13/04/2021 19:06

the first few times we did he told me how shit I was at it.

I really don't have to read any further than this. He is not a very pleasant person, get rid of him absolutely as soon as ever you can.

That is not how people treat each other.

Do you have anyone you can go to? Whatever else you go make sure you don't get pregnant. Good luck

Mumoftwoinprimary · 13/04/2021 19:07

Agree - he is controlling.

On the bright side - it sounds like you have a clever, kind and brave sister.

awesomekillick · 13/04/2021 19:07

Bad bad bad. You are being controlled. Listen to your sister.

Topseyt · 13/04/2021 19:07

Your sister is right. He is a controlling arse. You should be dumping him rather than even thinking about having children with him.

Bananalanacake · 13/04/2021 19:08

Don't you think it's odd he wants you to stop working even though you have no kids. A man who loves you encourages you to do whatever you want. Thank God you came on here and realised what a controlling bastard he is.

DeathToCovid · 13/04/2021 19:10

This is classic controlling and abusive behaviour OP, he’s trying to bring you down and keep you down so that he can control everything you say and do. Of course people in couples should have weekends away without the other person if they want, that’s healthy, and at your age these are all things you should be enjoying, not worrying about whether he will be upset with you about it.

Please leave him OP and live your life the way you want to, because he’s only going to get worse, especially if you’re financially dependent on him.

DO NOT give up your job, go back full time if you want and pursue your career. Listen to your sister and draw on her support. Please take on board what everyone here is saying x

Alreadyinmypyjamas · 13/04/2021 19:12

Do not, whatever you do, let him know what your sister thinks. He will start cutting you off from your family. You cannot let that happen.

ImInStealthMode · 13/04/2021 19:12

None of that is normal OP.

I speak as someone who considered some of it to be when I was in an awful and emotionally abusive relationship.

I also thought that 'long relationships all have good and bad, this is just what life is like'. I was completely wrong.

You're young, you don't have kids, leave now before it's too late xx

gincakecomps · 13/04/2021 19:13

I don't often comment but this post worries me. He sounds awful. Can you go back to work full time? Or do your degree? Is your sister in a position to help you? Don't have children with this man!

Trixie78 · 13/04/2021 19:15

⛳⛳⛳⛳

Leave

MangosteenSoda · 13/04/2021 19:15

@user155694647 people in normal couples make their own choices and it’s perfectly normal, and healthy, to spend time apart. Especially before kids.

I’m sorry, like everyone is saying, he’s socially isolating you and trying to make you financially and emotionally dependent on him. Your decisions are based around what he wants, not what you want because you know that will get you into trouble.

Good luck. Take the support your sister’s offering. She’s probably not your only family member or friend who is concerned about you.

HectorHalloumi · 13/04/2021 19:16

Oh God I'm normally Hmm at MNers finding red flags in a relationship. But this time I'm totally on board. He is so controlling and you are so young, you can't live like this forever and it will only get worse. Thank God you don't have children.

Run OP, run now and don't look back.

nearlynermal · 13/04/2021 19:17

OP, whatever contraception you're on: double it. Then think really hard about what the rest of your life is going to look like with this man.

4PawsGood · 13/04/2021 19:17

Would you tell someone they weren’t good at sex? It’s an awful thing to do. It sounds like he did it in a calculated way too. He’s trying to break your confidence.

Please think about the things he has said and whether you would treat someone this way.

Please keep telling your sister and other people in real life (if you’re still allowed to see them).

This isn’t ok or normal.

But you’re also allowed to leave just because it doesn’t feel right. You don’t need to classify it as anything.

CodyBurns · 13/04/2021 19:18

I really feel for you op. I know what it’s like to have your eyes opened to what you think is caring behaviour but is actually something more sinister. Please do not have a child with this man. Your world will get smaller and smaller until he has complete control over your life, your finances and your future. I’m sorry you are being abused by this man.

CliftonGreenYork · 13/04/2021 19:20

I'm a man and I can easily see that he is a dick. Don't be trapped in an unhappy and controlling relationship when there is happiness out there waiting for you.

ElspethFlashman · 13/04/2021 19:25

She's right.

You're in PRISON.

DartmoorChef · 13/04/2021 19:25

Please please listen to your sister. She is absolutely right and has him sussed.

Get away from this relationship now before it escalates to physical violence, before he has totally isolated you and before you get pregnant.

He is a controlling jealous abuser.

SparrowNest · 13/04/2021 19:27

Trying to force you not to work or study is extremely controlling, like an absolutely textbook attempt to make you dependent on him.

Other things make him sound like a manipulative dickhead too, but that ones the really blaring red flag.

Get the hell out while you can.

SparrowNest · 13/04/2021 19:28

Forgot to add that I’m speaking as current SAHM mum as well, I’m not one of those people on here who thinks it’s always terrible to be financially dependent on your husband no matter what.

The point is that he’s trying to force you, against your will. I’m horrified.